How do you guide your DC if you feel they are making the 'wrong' choice?

[changedmyname24]

Ds1 is in Year 11. He is pretty bright. Doing 11 GCSEs, considering a 12th & predicted 6-9 in all of them (probably a 9 in his strongest 5, 6s in science which is weakest area). He is working super hard & attending all extra sessions plus doing own revision.

His strongest subjects are languages, where he got 2 9s at PPE & he is at an international school, so this is encouraged, they do work experience abroad in Year 12 whether or not they take languages. They can choose A Levels or IB. He would easily qualify for their 6th form.

He also plays football in a local team & has done since age 5. He is a goalie, so not as much running around as others. He is not on the school team. Somehow, he has got into his head that he wants to play football in the USA at 18 & go to a college to study football post 16. My concerns with this are that his standard of football & fitness is not amazing & that it is quite a limiting career choice for him at such a young age. Plus the commute to the college he wants would be unaffordable for us, so he would have to work to fund it. DH is more for it, simply because it's football & because he (DH) did A Levels, did poorly & wished he had followed his dream from 16 or sooner.

DS will not listen to anything I say about careers or education or football, so I have no influence on him at all. The opposite in fact.

So, has anybody experienced this before? What do I do? I'm thinking just sit quietly back & support whatever happens? I just don't want him to get further on & regret it & be upset.

Yes, you do need to let them go and make their own choices, I'm afraid. Our DD1 was a straight A student but only wanted to do art. She did need to supplement her income for a few years working at Sains but now makes a living from art. We never stood in her way but it was (and still is a bit) a concern as to how that can pan out over many years and how rocky a life of self employment is as regards pension savings etc.

She's in her 30s now and her life is her life so we're just happy for her that all seems fab just now.

DS1 had a turbulent teen time, left home at 18 and moved hundreds of miles away to move in with a partner he met online. Best thing ever for him. He's now got a child with a different partner, a job and is quite the family man.

DS 2 went to uni at 17, did software engineering. His choice. Met a girl online in the States. Spent 2 wonderful summers over there with her. Great experience but, in so doing, missed out on internship opps offered by the uni. A mistake he is now paying for because, despite graduating with a first class honours degree, he is struggling to find work.

You just need to keep in mind that their life is not your life. Let them live it.

You need to let him do it.

Worth talking about back up options though in case of injury etc.

A levels don't really help as back up options as they are only really useful for getting into uni.

It's not clear from your post if you are in the USA?
Presumably for a sports focus the college would require a certain level of attainment in the sport?

Has he checked the entry requirements? The only people I’ve known to go to America to study sport have been elite players - representing their county at least (and one is a Lioness now).

Could he considers a six form football academy instead? I know of at least two locally, that are linked to lower league FA clubs. They offer football training plus coaching and other skills.

We are in the UK. He has actually been quite against travelling to the USA up to now, because he doesn't like their laws on guns & capital punishment, among other things. So quite a shock that he wants to live there!

He is looking at 6th form at a college/academy that specialises in it. Ipswich is his current favourite, it's about an hour by train from us.

I guess I do just have to let go & be his cheerleader. It's hard though!

As for checking entry requirements- he would get into college I think. As for the USA, he reckons he has talked to somebody on TikTok who is doing it & they think he would be able to get in at least at the middle level.

I think if he has a dream, even if you don’t think it’s the best path, you have to allow him to follow it. Otherwise if he hates what he ends up doing he could blame you for missed opportunities.

However, he plan as you describe it seems unrealistic and poorly researched. What does he mean by ‘play football in the US’? Who would he be playing for? How much research has he done into the pathway?

I live in the US and follow professional soccer and they recruit from a) their own academies, b) US colleges, and c) the normal international transfer market. The standard is sometimes described as between the Championship and League 1.

Your son’s best route into the US game would probably be to do A levels and then try to attend college in the US as an athlete, but he would need to be working on that now. At least he would be working on a backup plan alongside.

From the fact that your Dh is supportive I guess there’s more to his plan than it sounds like but I think it would be very reasonable to expect him to demonstrate to you that it’s realistic.

How is he going to fund the college in the USA? Full scholarships are getting rarer.

What qualification would he do? I know it is variable with some offering A Levels and others not.

Does the specialist football college offer other qualifications alongside? If so he can do those and he’ll have an alternative path afterwards. If not, worst case he does an access course or something later. It will be okay in the end.

But I am a little bit gobsmacked by your husband being so accepting of plans based on ‘someone on TikTok’.

My son plays in goal, and had the same dream as your son. We went with it, he's currently at sports college and decided that he doesn't want to do the whole USA scholarship thing. He is thinking about studying a subject at Uni he will need A levels for, and he is studying a BTec at college. 🤦🏼‍♀️
We let him follow his own path because I wasn't encouraged to follow my path by my parents and it damaged our relationship.
I would have preferred him to do A levels at the local sixth form college, but I needed to let him find his own way. As long as he has goals that are about wanting to achieve something (and it's ethical/ legal) I will do my best to support him. It was hard, but we just had to let him try, rather than resent us for not letting him.

And there are companies/ organizations that can help with the application etc which are useful. Someone put some useful info on here a while back when I was looking into it. Not sure if I can find the link

This is also what I'm scared of. I don't want to be unsupportive & for him to resent me.

I'm not entirely clear who he wants to play for. I think he wants to go to a football college & he tells me they have excellent facilities. Aside from the SM angle, he hasn't actually been in touch with any. He seems to think that if he does football here at a college that specialises in it, he will get watched & scouted. Again, I don't know how realistic this is. He tells me the US college will find travel, accommodation & fees. We have no spare money as DH was made redundant early in the year & I'm PT & a carer for disabled DS2, so I hope he is right on the finances!

I would like him to do A Levels in some form, but if he goes to Ipswich college, he will be out of the house 12 hours per day plus I imagine playing football matches/training so I don't see there being time. And he would need to work to fund his train fares.

This sounds very much like I will be in a year from now 🙈

I hope your son is doing OK.

This is worth looking at, thank you.

It sounds as if his plan is he will be magically scouted off to the USA and his football dreams will come true.

Unfortunately if he hasn't been scouted by a football academy at 15, it isn't going to happen.

I think you can either nod and smile, and let him come to his own realisation.

Or you can try encouraging him to make a better plan by contacting colleges, seeing what the fees are and if it is realistic without a scholarship, finding out what standard of football is required- and then him coming to his own realisation.

I think that is pretty much his plan! He is very mature in a lot of ways & not in others, sadly this is one area he is not 😬

I can't find the link to the threads on here, but here is one of the companies we came across.

www.futureelitesports.com/

They basically charge a fee to help with the application, but it hopefully gives your son a more realistic understanding of the process.

I'm all for people following their dreams , but not ones that would involve a very very heavy cash input from you- and I think this one would, regardless of a bit of part time work or not. Also if he's not an elite athlete I'm not sure he would get a visa anyway. I would look into costs involved and likelihood of visas and not sugar coat it if he expects you to be constantly forking out vast amounts. He most certainly needs to understand the realities and have a plan B - if he's not even on the school team it's not very realistic

Yes, as PP says, have him contact some college coaches and ask them what they’re looking for (you can find their details on the websites). There aren’t a lot of scholarships for soccer in US universities and most schools don’t offer financial aid to overseas students. Those that do are typically the most highly selective academically (ivies, MIT).

@changedmyname24 if it's any help OP - my son was playing from age 5 and was playing for the top amateur teams at 15 and league2 local town professionally at 16 - and was scouted at14.

US sports scholarships are extremely competitive.

I know students who have tried to get them.

If he hasn't been scouted and or is playing for a team by this point he has very little chance.

University (called college in the US) is even more expensive than it is here.

This company has some videos and advice.

www.ussportsscholarships.com/mens-us-soccer-scholarships/

Thank you. I actually think this too. He is decent, at town level, but not amazing. He is, however, amazing at languages & humanities at school. But how do I tell him this without breaking his heart?! Especially as he just thinks that I don't want him to do it because I dislike football 😥

Do all the research you can for him. Encourage him to do the same. Seek out independent advice - someone for him to speak to in person.

It’s probably a pipe dream, but it’s better that reality destroys his dream than you do, if that happens.

My husband is a really good musican - when choosing schools his Mum pushed him into not choosing the more music supporting school but the academic & what she decided would be right.

He is now 52 and always wanders the what if. He may have ended up in the exact same place but he would never know as he didn’t at least try that route.

For our own children we provide the support . My youngest dreams of being in stage and working hard - we will support but always in a positive manner ask her what the back up plan is what else brings her joy.

I would let him follow his own choices- you can't stop him anyway. But if he needs financial or practical support from you, I would make that contingent on him producing a realistic, properly researched plan. So he would need to actually speak to admissions staff, understand the criteria.