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Further education

You'll find discussions about A Levels and universities on our Further Education forum.

How do you guide your DC if you feel they are making the 'wrong' choice?

35 replies

changedmyname24 · 12/09/2024 10:04

Ds1 is in Year 11. He is pretty bright. Doing 11 GCSEs, considering a 12th & predicted 6-9 in all of them (probably a 9 in his strongest 5, 6s in science which is weakest area). He is working super hard & attending all extra sessions plus doing own revision.

His strongest subjects are languages, where he got 2 9s at PPE & he is at an international school, so this is encouraged, they do work experience abroad in Year 12 whether or not they take languages. They can choose A Levels or IB. He would easily qualify for their 6th form.

He also plays football in a local team & has done since age 5. He is a goalie, so not as much running around as others. He is not on the school team. Somehow, he has got into his head that he wants to play football in the USA at 18 & go to a college to study football post 16. My concerns with this are that his standard of football & fitness is not amazing & that it is quite a limiting career choice for him at such a young age. Plus the commute to the college he wants would be unaffordable for us, so he would have to work to fund it. DH is more for it, simply because it's football & because he (DH) did A Levels, did poorly & wished he had followed his dream from 16 or sooner.

DS will not listen to anything I say about careers or education or football, so I have no influence on him at all. The opposite in fact.

So, has anybody experienced this before? What do I do? I'm thinking just sit quietly back & support whatever happens? I just don't want him to get further on & regret it & be upset.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 12/09/2024 12:33

I am probably being dim- but do American colleges play soccer?

clary · 12/09/2024 13:05

Hey @changedmyname24 I know a bit about this (mostly through others who have done this kind of thing). There is a lot of work to get into a US college to play football. I know a girl who did it (a good footy player who is a girl is rarer so I feel like they have a better chance, and she was also very good) and she ended up coming home after a year so it wasn't great for her.

If your DS really thinks he will be scouted from his post-16 college course by a US team he is mistaken I fear.

Plenty of DC do a post-16 course with a footy team tho - nothing wrong with that. They take a qualification like a sport BTEC or similar. Again, all good, and more than possibel to go to uni with that - I know two lads who went to Leeds and Loughborough after a post-16 course with a local team.

Why does he need to travel an hour each way for the course? Is there nothing nearer? DS2 (who was also a gk - I saw was as he has switched to a different sport) could have gone to a course in our small city or even a course with the team he played for in a nearby town. There are usually opportunities all over.

Honestly tho - if he hasn't been scouted by now and doesn't play in the school team then it doesn't look great for a footy career icl.

Is his thought that football is not so big in America so he is more likely to get a spot than in UK? I mean to some extent that's true, but he would still need to research massively and be really good. The fees for US colleges are huge, like £25k per year.

I would look into other post-16 options that focus on football and steer him towards those - ones that are nearer - and suggest he looks at UK unis with the qual he gets.

clary · 12/09/2024 13:07

Also how much would he need to pay to get the train to Ipswich? Is it feasible for him to earn that much money? Doing what? Does he already have a pt job?

TwigletsAndRadishes · 12/09/2024 13:18

Okay, buckle in, this will be long, but I hope it helps.

My son developed a quite sudden ambition at 18 to do something he'd shown no great talent at, and frankly no real interest in either, up until he needed to choose a degree course. He had never expressed any real ambition or direction towards any particular career choice, so picking a degree to do was a bit of a chore, with no specific goal in sight. I steered him towards a degree in his favourite A level subject because it was a solid academic subject that offered flexibility for future careers and it was the only thing that made sense at the time. My logic was that it was a generic subject and at least he'd know what he was letting himself in for, having already studied it at A level and quite enjoyed it.

He then decided completely out of the blue that he wanted to do this particular vocational 2 year college course instead. Let's say for example it was 'X Box game design.' It wasn't, but that's a good example of the type of thing. I apparently at some point said 'but that's not a proper education.' I don't remember saying this, but he still hold it against me more than 10 years later.

The issue for me was that in order to get onto this 'XBox game design' course he would have needed to demonstrate a competence in IT which he was frankly didn't have. He hated IT at school. He liked the idea of 'designing XBox games' purely because he liked playing them, but was ignoring the fact that it was a very heavily IT based course, which was not his forte.

He'd also have to show a portfolio of work in the related subject, which he didn't have. Although the course didn't require A levels to get onto it, he didn't really have the specific skills they were looking for, so he would have been over-qualifed but in the wrong things. I felt that, even if by some miracle he was accepted, he might not enjoy or cope with so much IT based content.

He then said to me that he'd never wanted to do A levels anyway and he'd wanted to pursue 'XBox game design' since he was 16, but I'd not listened to him. I honestly have zero recollection of it ever coming up in conversation once. I think he was just panicking about uni, feeling pressured and was clutching at straws.

He ended up doing his degree in the suject I'd suggested, but hated it, and he did for a long while really hold that against me. I feel terrible that he didn't feel supported in his sudden 'ambition' and that I didn't take him seriously, but honestly, I just thought he was plucking this 'XBox game design' out of thin air for want of any better ideas at the time. I'd have supported him in doing absolutely anything, if I'd known it was a genuine passion or ambition and something he demonstrated some reasonable ability in. He thinks I was just obsessed with him going to uni and wouldn't take no for an answer. I admit I can see why it might have seemed that way to him at the time.

To be fair, he never actually said he didn't want to go, but I should have recognised the signs that he was having cold feet.

With hindsight, what he really needed, and what I should have suggested, was a gap year. He could have spent the year gaining the particular skills needed to pursue the 'XBox game design' thing if he was serious about that, or just take his time to think about what degree was right for him, or look into other options like apprenticeships. I regret that I didn't recognise that at the time. I also regret that he never felt he could come to us and tell us he was unhappy with his degree choice. We would have understood and supported him switching courses, even if it put him a year behind and cost us money. But he never said anyting at all. He was always so private, didn't open up to us much about anything and was not one to phone us often anyway, in spite of a good relationship, so we had no idea he was unhappy in his course. I'm not sure if he even realised that switching courses was an option, or whether he felt he'd have been fed up regardless because he didn't want to be there. He did graduate, but was in a bad mood for two years afterwards.

However, several years and several low-paid, non-descript jobs down the line, he is now doing really well in a management position, in a great company with real prospects for progression. His degree is irrelevant to his job and he ended up in that job entirely by accident, having gone in as a temp, quickly being spotted, recruited permanently, then promoted, twice in three years. He liked it there, they liked him and it just fell into place. It's certainly not the sort of job he'd have had ambitions to do at 18, but it's a solid career and he's loving it.

I don't know sometimes whether we should keep our mouths shut and watch them make mistakes, but at least it's their mistake to make, or to try to steer them towards what we think is best, only to have them resent us for meddling. But I think the advice I'd give is to listen more closely, and to read the unspoken signs. I think my son was giving off massive anxiety at going to uni and I just didn't want to see it.

Let them know that at 18 they have the time and space to try something and if it's the wrong choice, it's not the end of the world, there is time to change tack and try something else instead. You will understand and support them either way and they can always talk to you if they are feeling unsure or unhappy about their decision.

Octavia64 · 12/09/2024 13:22

CurlewKate · 12/09/2024 12:33

I am probably being dim- but do American colleges play soccer?

Yes.

Octavia64 · 12/09/2024 13:25

changedmyname24 · 12/09/2024 12:22

Thank you. I actually think this too. He is decent, at town level, but not amazing. He is, however, amazing at languages & humanities at school. But how do I tell him this without breaking his heart?! Especially as he just thinks that I don't want him to do it because I dislike football 😥

You can't.

Lots of teens have dreams they will never achieve.

If you tell them they won't listen and you'll be stuck in the mud old mum who stopped me getting my dream.

It's not worth even trying you have to let him make his own mistakes.

This is what he wants to go onto. He won't get a US sports scholarship but he'll come to realise that in time.

Beamur · 12/09/2024 13:28

I would steer him (positively) to fully research his dream.
I'd also suggest he does this in tandem with what an alternative path in the UK would look like.

Radiatorvalves · 12/09/2024 13:34

My DS is 17 and thinks I mainly talk rubbish. Over the past couple of years he’s talked about catering college (he’s a good if know it all cook), joining the Marines, studying business/a language/geography. I largely say “yes dear” as whatever I enthuse about sends him directly in the opposite direction.

Encourage him to seek guidance from the experts and hopefully they will let him down gently.

Peonies12 · 12/09/2024 13:35

You leave him to make his own decision. He’s an adult. My parents did this and I’m eternally grateful. If he wants advice he can ask.

grumpyoldeyeore · 12/09/2024 13:48

Why don’t you take him to uk uni open days and target those with strong sports programmes. The facilities at some are amazing. And also talk about the back up plan if he gets injured - so you are still supporting the football idea but in a practical way that he has a Plan B and C.

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