Are Smaller Unis More Nuturing? Your experiences please

[Goldenfigs]

At the beginning of looking at Unis for a shy socially awkward DS.

Which Unis have been nurturing and offer nowhere to hide. I am worried that my DS will just stay in his room, make no friends and not go out.

He seems fine but I must admit I don't understand him at all so trying to pick a nurturing uni so he becomes more social and confident.

thanks in advance

Whether he leaves the room and makes friends has nothing to do with the university. They might be different sizes but they're all huge institutions with thousands of students. Theres never going to be someone coaxing individual people out of their rooms. It's up to him to join societies, make an effort to get to know people and put himself out there. It can be very hard but it's up to him.

Even the smallest uni will have thousands of students with 50 plus undergraduates on each course. He will have to interact with people on his course and if he is in residential halls it's almost impossible not to meet people. Encourage him to join a club or society. It's quite hard to completely silo yourself from others at uni.

St Andrews is a small uni that has been very good for my quiet DS. He chose catered accomodation to be more sociable, as it has lots of international students the halls organise many social events especially during freshers week. It tends to have student social life built around student run societies (as its not in a big city with lots of clubs etc) which also suited him. It regularly tops student satisfaction tables so lots like it.
I havent got experience of large unis to compare though.

It might be about him finding his tribe rather than being something he isn’t (yet). Cardiff accommodation is relatively cheap and the cost of a house/flat that has a space for mixing and socialising is good value compared to other universities. They also offer quiet and non drinking accommodation.

It's up to your DC to pick a uni where they feel at home and that provides a course that they want. It's not for you to choose. Help by looking at course details on web sites and visiting/attending open days if they are happening, but the rest is down to your DC.

No uni can make your child leave their room or make friends.

You could pick the smallest uni in the UK and it won't make a difference if he doesn't leave his room.

Unis are not nurturing.

You have got completely the wrong idea of what they are for.

Your OP makes no sense.

Its like saying "I'm worried my DS will not eat healthily - which supermarket will make sure he is buying a balanced diet?"

I was a very shy, socially awkward 18yr old. I found that starting in a totally alien environment allowed me to reset and forced me to communicate. Most people who know me now would not recognise the 18yr old me.
I suspect that leaving home and the protective, easy environment kick started the latent party animal.
My DS 16 is acutely aware of his social awkwardness and has been frustrated over the last 18mnths that he has lost touch with his social group. However he has managed to find a girlfriend and realised that he has been overthinking the awkwardness. He has started to go to parties and reintegrating. Teenage angst affects every single one of them, it’s just that some are just better at faking it.
The best Uni will be the one that does the best course. He will thank you in the future if you guide his choice based on his current social needs.
Most 15/16yr old boys are socially awkward, don’t protect him. Let him fly and enjoy the man he will become. I am loving seeing my “little boy” become a man.

@54321nought

Unis are not nurturing.

You have got completely the wrong idea of what they are for.

Your OP makes no sense.

Its like saying "I'm worried my DS will not eat healthily - which supermarket will make sure he is buying a balanced diet?"

I’m afraid this is completely true.

I don’t think you should pursue this investigatory route, OP. Instead you need to guide him towards choosing a handful of universities that seem to offer exactly the course he wants to study. Then visit, virtually or in person, so he can see where he might feel at home (as regards town and university environment). Refine list, fill out UCAS form ...

Sorry should have read “he won’t thank you”

It’s an interesting idea though ... Imagine if UCAS categorised candidates according to current personality type. So you’d have entire campuses filled with shy room dwellers. And others where everyone raced around in war paint, hockey sticks raised, bellowing through the night.

Could catch on ...

Also, be wary of accidentally 'helicoptering' your son with visits every other weekend and daily phonecalls. I knew a few 1st year students at uni who constantly had their parents dropping in to say hello during the first term, doing their laundry, tidying up their room, dropping off shopping etc They never really let go and you could see visibly the other quiet kids growing up, finding themselves and growing in confidence whereas the 'helicopter' kids you felt still had one foot in the family home still.

Unis aren't there to care for your son im afraid. My dp is a lecturer at a small uni but even then he has 100 plus students and it's not his job to care for them. Hes there to teach them and marks their work and often gets over worked by needy students that email him all the time, even when he's off about stuff like needing help paying their rent etc. He can't look out for 100 students in that way sorry x

I studied in a small department at a medium-sized (though now considerably larger) university. There were about 120 undergrads in total, and we more or less knew each other, and all the lecturers, by sight. I'd say it was pretty nurturing - the lecturers knew us, too, teaching groups were small, and it would have been noticed if someone wasn't turning up or handing in work. Having said that, if someone was coping academically but not socially then I'm not sure that would have been noticed. So, depending on your son's subject, it might be worth looking at a small department, which might have more of a community feel even if the university itself is large. Just a thought, and probably depends on the subject - I imagine it would be difficult to find a small English department, say.

@Edmontine

It’s an interesting idea though ... Imagine if UCAS categorised candidates according to current personality type. So you’d have entire campuses filled with shy room dwellers. And others where everyone raced around in war paint, hockey sticks raised, bellowing through the night.

Could catch on ...

some halls of residence ask for noise level preference. You can prefer a loud of quiet hall

I'd suggest looking at campus/college based Unis.

Campus Unis tend to be more of a "safe space" for less confident students as they usually have shops/bars etc within the campus, rather than venturing out into cities etc.

College based unis tend to give a better sense of belonging and more social opportunities for those not interested in the pub/club scene, i.e. inter college quizzes, fun sports competitions, etc., and more likely to have college common rooms with pool tables, xbox, lounges etc.

I'm never sure about the sense of quiet halls TBH. If everyone is quiet then are they all just going to end up sitting in their rooms with closed doors? Surely it's better to have a bit of a mix where someone may make the first move?

Which subject is your DC looking at OP? Any indication of predicted grades?

Would a collegiate university suit him better? One with older buildings rather than brand new halls as they will have fewer people in each building and a smaller group mentality. I went to Durham and loved it. The colleges have different strengths and 'personalities' , a small bailey college might suit him like St John's , or the hill colleges have less of a brash public school presence. He'll also have a house parent as a fresher and lots of activities he'll be encouraged to attend where he'll meet people, but even then social relationships can't be forced on people who are happier on their own. I am an extrovert who was quite sporty when I was younger, so I went to one of the bigger Bailey colleges and loved it, but had more reserved friends I met through study who had found their place elsewhere and were very happy.

I went to a college based university. It was a good choice for me as it broke the mass of people down into manageable chunks and meant you bumped into people more ( also helped by third years living in. Also sport and music etc was at both college and university level so a v shit hockey player like me could play socially for the college thirds!

@54321nought

Unis are not nurturing.

You have got completely the wrong idea of what they are for.

Your OP makes no sense.

Its like saying "I'm worried my DS will not eat healthily - which supermarket will make sure he is buying a balanced diet?"

Utter rubbish. OP- check out other threads in the Higher Education section on MN. Aside from St. Andrews, others well-known for their pastoral care include Bath and Exeter.

Unis are research institutes who take in students to educate them. The lecturers are researchers, who teach as well, they are not teachers, and they are not trained as teachers, and they are certainly not trained in, paid for or given any time for pastoral care.

@sarahc336

Unis aren't there to care for your son im afraid. My dp is a lecturer at a small uni but even then he has 100 plus students and it's not his job to care for them. Hes there to teach them and marks their work and often gets over worked by needy students that email him all the time, even when he's off about stuff like needing help paying their rent etc. He can't look out for 100 students in that way sorry x

The academic staff are obviously not there to look after pastoral needs. 100 students? That's not many. Is it a very specialized course?

@54321nought

Unis are research institutes who take in students to educate them. The lecturers are researchers, who teach as well, they are not teachers, and they are not trained as teachers, and they are certainly not trained in, paid for or given any time for pastoral care.

The OP isn't asking about the quality of teaching.

I should add, I really had to force myself to be sociable. I am quite an extrovert when I know people but find reaching out/ making the first move hard. I think most people do. And few people will rebuff an approach.