Are Smaller Unis More Nuturing? Your experiences please

[Goldenfigs]

At the beginning of looking at Unis for a shy socially awkward DS.

Which Unis have been nurturing and offer nowhere to hide. I am worried that my DS will just stay in his room, make no friends and not go out.

He seems fine but I must admit I don't understand him at all so trying to pick a nurturing uni so he becomes more social and confident.

thanks in advance

54321nought Yes, we’ve recently had some fun with exactly that type of accommodation form!

Have to say I managed to sit in my room for three years at an Oxbridge college - collegiate structure doesn’t guarantee a sociable university career.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/higher_education

@Goldenfigs

Come over to Higher Ed. Far more informative from parents whose children have been through/are going through the system. There's a mine of information and many single threads about different unis in terms of quality of teaching, accomodation and general university life.

(and you certainly won't be jumped on for expecting anything other than Mr Bloggs getting your son's essay back on time!)

I don't think unis are nurturing in the same way that schools can be. Most have all sorts of support services available but it is up to the student to go in search of them and ask for help - they don't come looking for the student.

@DillonPanthersTexas

Even the smallest uni will have thousands of students with 50 plus undergraduates on each course. He will have to interact with people on his course and if he is in residential halls it's almost impossible not to meet people. Encourage him to join a club or society. It's quite hard to completely silo yourself from others at uni.

Not necessarily. I went to a university that had less than a thousand full time students on the campus. Could easily walk across the entire campus in less than 5 minutes. The whole town was only about a mile or so across. Loved it, I'm naturally an introvert & actually came out of my shell a lot there.

@Geamhradh

(and you certainly won't be jumped on for expecting anything other than Mr Bloggs getting your son's essay back on time!)

How rude!

Surely in any section of MN a fair proportion of posters will be guiding their children through university application, at any given time. And millions of us were or are currently involved in university study ourselves.

I’m sure the OP will read all around MN - but I haven’t seen anything on this thread that’s untrue or unhelpful.

It’s not like a boarding school thread where only a small section of the readership will be qualified to give advice.

What @54321nought said.

Uni’s cater for adults. The responsibility will be on your son. There’s no pastoral care as such, no one to make sure he gets to lectures or hands in his essays.

Personally I think smaller uni’s/cities are better for the less socially confident, it’s easier to get to know people. In my uni town there were only 3 nightclubs, each catered for a different demographic. I could walk in alone and find people I knew. Moving to London and not much chance I’d see people from uni outside of classes at all.

I would look at this in a different way - is he ready for uni? Would he be better off taking a year out and getting a job, learning some social skills and building up confidence? Then choose the uni with the best course for him.

@Seeline

I'm never sure about the sense of quiet halls TBH. If everyone is quiet then are they all just going to end up sitting in their rooms with closed doors? Surely it's better to have a bit of a mix where someone may make the first move?

"Quiet" doesn't mean closed doors and everyone ignoring each other.

It means that it's not going to be a "party" flat/hall with open doors to everyone and parties every week with unlimited booze (and drugs!).

My son's flat was designated "quiet", but from the moving in day, they'd go out together, shopping, walks, meals, etc. Within the flat, several would gather in someone's room to watch netflix movies or box sets. They'd spread out board games on the landing. Some would go online together to play multi-user computer games from their own rooms. It was basically a friendly group without the emphasis on drinking (though they all did drink, but not heavy partying style!).

You say you are at the beginning of looking so is he going onto Y12 or is he younger? I would say that most of the kids I have known have grown up a huge amount between starting 6th form and going to uni two years later. There is a fair chance that your DC will have learnt to cope better in social situations by the time he goes.

Suggest he goes nearer to home then its easier to get away. Also campus universities a good idea. My first thought was Lancaster but that's because it was the nearest campus uni to where I lived as a child.

Durham also struck me as a good one. Better academics. Some rumours of being dominated by private school kids who are very snobby though!

He should choose a uni based on his academic prospects and future plans.

Will he choose close to home if you suggest it?

@Badbadbunny - no I appreciate that, but if all the students have specifically asked for a quiet flat, there is a fair chance that they are all quite shy and not happy meeting new people. I just think it's better to have a mix of people so that some of the more confident ones can get things started.

[quote Seeline]@Badbadbunny - no I appreciate that, but if all the students have specifically asked for a quiet flat, there is a fair chance that they are all quite shy and not happy meeting new people. I just think it's better to have a mix of people so that some of the more confident ones can get things started.[/quote]
Things are different now with social media. The first thing they did on moving in day was set up a group chat. They were all posting on it straight away, all from their own rooms behind closed doors whilst they were unpacking and setting up their rooms! It's the modern equivalent of door stops! Makes things much easier for the shy ones as they're often happier posting on SM than dealing with new people F2F, especially in groups, as most shy people can cope OK on a 1-2-1 basis, but struggle if they're in the kitchen with, say, 7 other people!

SM is great - my DS had 'met' all his flatmates well before moving in day. But they still had to meet face to face which for some is really hard - especially if they really don't click.

@Seeline

SM is great - my DS had 'met' all his flatmates well before moving in day. But they still had to meet face to face which for some is really hard - especially if they really don't click.

It's easier in a "quiet" flat if you don't "click" with everyone else because they're less likely to be partying/socialising as much and more likely to be other quiet/shy students in your flat who you can do "quiet" things with.

There's nothing worse than being the "odd one out" due to shyness, social anxiety, etc., if everyone around you is a party animal - you either try to join in and get stressed/anxious, or you stay in your room and have to put up with the noise and after-party debris.

My DS chose a quiet flat because he really didn't want to end up in a party flat. It wasn't because he wanted to be anti social or hide in his room. He's quite shy etc but happy to meet up in small groups or 1-2-1. His "quiet" flat has been ideal for him because the others were just the same, so they mixed a lot doing things other than partying/drinking etc. which none of them have been interested in. But, covid permitting, they were going out for meals almost every week, going for days out to the likes of escape rooms, etc.

I think "quiet" is code for not wanting drunken parties, drugs and casual sex in the flat, rather than the dictionary definition which would suggest them wanting to hide in their rooms!

My Oxford college had peer supporters, welcoming student events etc. No-one would drag you out of your room, but there was a support structure if you reached out to it. It was easy to get to know people in a college structure. On the other hand the workload was tough and terms were short, which made it a quite pressured environment. I liked it overall but had some friends who hated it.

Does your DS have any specific interests? He might be best off with a uni that has a good club for his interest, that will give him a ready-made social life and a group of people he's likely to click with.

I went to a large university in a large city for my degree then a small university in a small town for postgrad. I am a quiet person and much preferred the smaller uni. In that particular town, the university was quite dominant and the whole town had a university feel about it. Everyone went the the same places. In a city, the university was only a small part of it.

I'd think about looking at a campus university in a smaller town. Obviously, there are no guarantees, but he might find it easier to mix in that sort of environment.

I think some universities are more supportive of students than others and they should all have mental health support. I hear good things about Edge Hill and Keele, so they may be worth a look if they do the OP's son's desired course. And maybe Hull?

I agree a campus university is probably easier to navigate than one that isn't although a smaller city may be ok too.

Harking back to the opening post...
He seems fine but I must admit I don't understand him at all so trying to pick a nurturing uni so he becomes more social and confident.

Leaving aside the point that this is university, not primary school - it's up to him to choose where he wants to study- if you don’t understand him at all, then why are you trying to dictate where he should go? Seriously, the process in which the student

• decides what they want to study
• looks at which universities offer it and where course(es) offered look the most interesting / potentially useful
• and the entry requirements are achievable
• and the location / accommodation / social offer suit

really does work for most people.

What does he want to study? Some subjects like e.g. History or Biological Sciences, offered practically everywhere, but others e.g. certain languages, or specific combined honours, at far fewer universities. By all means, be doing some looking yourself (I've loved having a poke around various courses and universities, online and in person, during the process with all three of ours), but in order to to be able to offer informed guidance, not to choose on his behalf.

The UCAS website itself (not just an application fom) and The Student Room are good places for (both of) you to have a rummage.

@Angrymum22

I was a very shy, socially awkward 18yr old. I found that starting in a totally alien environment allowed me to reset and forced me to communicate. Most people who know me now would not recognise the 18yr old me. I suspect that leaving home and the protective, easy environment kick started the latent party animal. My DS 16 is acutely aware of his social awkwardness and has been frustrated over the last 18mnths that he has lost touch with his social group. However he has managed to find a girlfriend and realised that he has been overthinking the awkwardness. He has started to go to parties and reintegrating. Teenage angst affects every single one of them, it’s just that some are just better at faking it. The best Uni will be the one that does the best course. He will thank you in the future if you guide his choice based on his current social needs. Most 15/16yr old boys are socially awkward, don’t protect him. Let him fly and enjoy the man he will become. I am loving seeing my “little boy” become a man.

I found this really helpful to read..thank you!

Dd can be anxious in some situations. It is helpful to remind ourselves that those social communication issues don't necessarily have to last forever. I can already see a bit of a change in her just through having her summer job which is encouraging

I just popped on to say, in my experience of a variety of University settings, it is the ethos of the uni itself not the size that is most important. Even given that some departments will be more supportive than others due to various factors like size etc.

I went to a collegiate university and it did help. However, the biggest thing that I found useful was joining things. I was part of a sports club and a couple of societies that helped broaden my social network. In simple terms it meant there were more familiar faces and people to chat to in the bar.

DS1 is off to Uni this year and has already left for preseason sports training so by freshers week he will already know a fair number of people.

My Ds was also very shy (and young) starting uni so I had similar worries about him.

He chose a campus uni so everything was close together on a smallish site. Self catered as he enjoys cooking and that meant he spent time in the shared kitchen.

We encouraged him to bake in freshers week & share his cakes!

We also got him to agree to leave his gaming PC at home so that he was not tempted to spend all his free time in his room.

I think it’s things like the above that will help a shy person make friends. Good Pastoral care is really a separate issue if they have particular issues while they are there.

@Edmontine

It’s an interesting idea though ... Imagine if UCAS categorised candidates according to current personality type. So you’d have entire campuses filled with shy room dwellers. And others where everyone raced around in war paint, hockey sticks raised, bellowing through the night.

Could catch on ...

Fgs could you be any more condescending and rude? A concerned parent is asking questions about her socially awkward dc and you felt the need to stick the boot in and make her feel foolish. Hope you feel so much better now.

I went to Cambridge then Imperial (PhD) and the difference could not have been more stark. Admittedly this was 20 years ago but to go from somewhere where someone on your course would knock on your door if you missed a lecture to check you were ok to somewhere where an 18 year old could be left in their room with flu for a week and not be missed (despite being in halls) was a real shock. I was horrified! So yes, there can be big differences and I would hope that a collegiate university might provide more support. None of my undergraduate friends ended up as non functioning adults due to support, despite what some advocates of ‘they’re adults they should just suck it up’ here might think. And I don’t think Imperial’s massive drop out rate was a surprise given the lack of pastoral care I saw.