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Further education

You'll find discussions about A Levels and universities on our Further Education forum.

Original poster

Kids leaving home for uni - how long to keep their bedroom the same for them...

36 replies

Isithalftermyet · 17/03/2021 14:58

Apologies if this has been done before. We are contemplating our eldest leaving home for uni soon. We have three DCs and are lucky that they each have their own bedroom. However the eldest has the nicest room and it has an en suite, which we added for them.

Do we
a) move one of the other children into that room straight away as it is the best of the bedrooms. Eldest can stay in the other bedroom or the spare room when they come home but no sentimentality for their childhood bedroom.
b) make the eldest's bedroom into our spare room, so eldest can use it when they are at home but would be redecorated as a spare room. We could then move second child into our current spare room which also has a bathroom, although not as nice as eldest childs room.
c) leave all the rooms as they are; second eldest doesn't get an en suite as they get older but eldest room stays as it is for when they are home and it doesn't feel like we have kicked them out!

We def want to keep a spare room with a bathroom as pre-covid times we have a lot of guests coming in and out of the house and it gives them privacy (and yes, I know we are so lucky to have the option).

I guess I'm asking how important it is for uni kids returning between terms to feel that they haven't had all their stuff stripped out of the house!

My DH had his room gutted out by his parents the week he left and he had the spare room when he was back between terms and he found that a bit harsh. My room stayed the same but actually each time I returned home I found it a bit more depressing - that I had progressively changed more each time I left but my room was like in a time warp...

I'm guessing there is no real right answer! Our eldest is definitely a homey type person...

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 17/03/2021 15:17

My room was kept the same until I’d finished uni and officially left home which is what I’d do; most students are home for several months a year and I’d imagine most of his stuff will be there too.
I’m the first few months of uni it can feel quite tough and I definitely felt quite homesick so to then lose my bedroom would make me feel like I didn’t belong anywhere. Plus with how things are with covid you don’t know how much he might be back

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 17/03/2021 15:18

Mine are still their bedrooms. They are only at uni. Back for the holidays. Probably back after uni is over. I think it’s unfair to give their bedroom away.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 17/03/2021 15:18

So c.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 17/03/2021 15:22

They’re back a lot and will presumably have to bring their stuff home with them each year if they’re moving from halls to private etc so I’d just leave it as is.

Although if I was one of your DC without the en suite - because you wanted to give a better room to guests than to them - I’d be a bit pissed off!

Bramshott · 17/03/2021 15:22

We have this dilemma - DD1 will be off to uni in the autumn, and her bedroom is much larger than DD2s. They have already agreed that they will swap rooms when DD1 goes to uni (seems only fair as DD1 will only be here half the time) but I'm really unsure WHEN to do it - while DD1 is still here, or wait until she (and some of her stuff) have departed? We will be making an effort to make the smaller bedroom nice for DD1 and it will definitely be hers rather than a spare room.

SewVeryLazy · 17/03/2021 15:25

I think it depends of a lot of factors.
How far away will be? As in are they likely to come home a lot or just for the holidays.
How will they take it if they swap? My older sister was a volatile teen and would have gone nuts, whereas I was much more laid back and didn't mind so much.
If you plan to swap I would approach it as being fair considering they got the best room to begin with. Make it so that the youngest will also get that room when the middle child goes to university (or middle child can choose at this point to keep a less sort after bedroom that they don't have to give up) and make the swap during the summer so that eldest can make one of the other rooms feel like their own before they go, instead of you doing it for them after they go.

SewVeryLazy · 17/03/2021 15:26

*sought after (obviously)

WonkyCactus · 17/03/2021 15:27

I was going to say a) until I read your last line about your eldest being a homebird. So now I think b) but I'd talk to them about it first and get their opinion on redecorating etc and maybe wait a bit before you do redecorate even if they are OK with it.

Bagelsandbrie · 17/03/2021 15:27

My dd is going to university and we won’t be touching her bedroom. She has the largest bedroom in the house. When she gets her own flat / house then we’ll move around.

IpreferInchyraBlue · 17/03/2021 15:28

Make sure however you do it that the eldest still has room to study in their room for when they are home either revising, on lockdown, or preparing for resits!

It does sound like space isn't your issue though.

Notaroadrunner · 17/03/2021 15:30

Ds shares with his brother so for him things will stay the same. Dd has her own room. When she goes to uni I imagine we might encourage a clear out but ultimately it will still be her room. Until they have places of their own and can bring all their stuff with them we'll probably keep their rooms as they are. However, if it was a thing that one had a bigger room or an ensuite it would make sense to allow the child at home move into the nicer room. As it stands both rooms are similar and don't have an ensuite.

My parents friends have sons living away for years. They still refer to the bedrooms as X Y Z's rooms and still have some of their stuff there, including clothes and college notes. I'd have had the lot cleared out long ago.

Original poster
Isithalftermyet · 17/03/2021 15:58

I'm surprised by how many people are saying leave as it is - I can see that maybe what we'll do is leave it for a few terms and see how homesick they are/how they feel when they come home for Christmas the first time and then maybe think about a switch...

It is a bit more complicated as eldest has a pet which lives in their room which they won't be able to take. Possibly later if they live in a shared house but even then it will be tricky. So this will be looked after by the child that would take eldest child's room. And although it would probably fit in one of the other bedrooms, it wouldn't fit easily...

MarkRuffaloCrumble We live in something that is like an old farm house - not grand honest, but the current spare room is off on its own and you have to go down some steps and then up some other steps and then there is a bathroom off it which is down some other steps... Whereas the other bedrooms are all together on the other side of the house. So its always seemed better to keep us all together and that was a natural spare room. But obviously less important for us to be all together now that the kids are bigger...

We did think about making one of the bedrooms more of a home office when the eldest leaves but maybe not seeing the general opinion is leave as is...!

OP posts:
FoxgloveBee · 17/03/2021 16:54

When I went to university my parents immediately moved my younger sibling into my room (AND got her a double bet, which id never been allowed to have...😂).

I stayed in the smaller room the handful of times I went home. I never moved back home as I met a man...then another...then another...etc.

It depends on what is best for your family. I didn't want my younger sibling to be stuck in the little room when I wasn't there so I wanted that for them. But it depends on your family.

BadFoot1 · 17/03/2021 16:56

I think it’s important they have a permanent bedroom where they can keep stuff. But I think it’s fair enough to swap the bedroom to a not so good one so the sibling who is there all the time gets the better room.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 17/03/2021 17:02

Mine is still the same. I'm 42 Grin

picklemewalnuts · 17/03/2021 17:03

Talk to him. My sons arranged between themselves to swap bedrooms when the eldest went to Uni.

Chemenger · 17/03/2021 17:10

Talk to him and see what he thinks. I've had 6 foot tall rugby playing engineering students weeping in my office because their bedroom is now a sewing room (I know this isn't what you are doing) and they feel they have no home to go back to. I would think as long as they have a space to call their own it will be fine. Knowing that they still have home to retreat to is a great comfort to students. When the going gets tough the tough quite often go home to mum for the weekend, and nothing wrong with that.

Original poster
Isithalftermyet · 17/03/2021 18:00

@Chemenger

Talk to him and see what he thinks. I've had 6 foot tall rugby playing engineering students weeping in my office because their bedroom is now a sewing room (I know this isn't what you are doing) and they feel they have no home to go back to. I would think as long as they have a space to call their own it will be fine. Knowing that they still have home to retreat to is a great comfort to students. When the going gets tough the tough quite often go home to mum for the weekend, and nothing wrong with that.
Ok! I promise no sewing rooms!

I think we'll keep the options open until after the have done a few terms - it doesn't help that DC1 is a hoarder so if we left it the room would probably be stuffed full of old toys/rubbish! We had a massive clear out in the first lock down and it was a bit of an eye opener!!

But 100% we want the kids to have the security to know there is always a welcoming home to come back to and their own space...

Thx all for the different perspectives!

OP posts:
greatauntfanny · 17/03/2021 18:07

I'd leave the room. If my parents immediately made my room the spare room I'd have felt pushed out at what turned out to be a very difficult, lonely time. Give your child the stability of their own room for a few more years.

Ask your other DC if they want the current spare room with the ensuite if you haven't already.

fiveoldteddies · 24/03/2021 11:05

DC1 has kept his room, but other dc do use it sometimes to study or even sleep in dc1's bed...

Seeline · 24/03/2021 11:16

I'd keep it as is for now.

I'm not sure how normal things will be from September. Most students have not had much time at uni this year, and have spent a lot of their time in their bedrooms.

In more normal times, I think they need to knw that they still have a place at home. It is quite likely that many will end up back at home after uni unless the economy improves very quickly.

katand2kits · 24/03/2021 11:17

If they have always had the bigger bedroom, I think it's fair to give a younger child who is still at home full time a turn having the larger room, rather than it sitting empty for more than half the year.

ExtraordinaryQuince · 25/03/2021 01:03

We did it after a year asit wasn't feasible for youngest to do gcses

ExtraordinaryQuince · 25/03/2021 01:05

Whoops ... do GCSEs in tiny room and oldest is only home for holidays (except the the pandemic came and messed up that theory!).

RAOK · 25/03/2021 01:08

C What happened to your husband happened to me. At least for the first year don’t make any changes.

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