Year 12 #2: Carols, commutes & a few stocking fillers

[Stickerrocks]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/further_education/3410431-year-12-1-gcses-are-sooo-last-year

If anyone would like an update about MIL, this us what happened:

DH spoke to her about it. Apparently, she had not considered telling someone they look gaunt is a negative thing to say but sort of accepted that it could be perceived that way. (What it is it with that family that they can never admit to having done something wrong and apologise?!)

There's a bit more to this. It always feels like MIL favours her other two grandsons over DS1 and DS2. We are always hearing how accomplished they are, and what their plans are for university etc. She never forgets their birthdays, whereas she's a bit hit and miss with my two. All four boys are about the same age. Even the gaunt thing was to do with the fact that one of them is 6ft5 and the other spends approx 4 hours a day in the gym.
So it felt like things had come to a head finally after 16 years of going unchallenged, and excuses being made for her.

DH was assuring me that if she seems unaware of our sons' good points then it's only because they / we don't tell her. So, I decided to rectify the omission because then she'll have no excuse.

A few hours after DH spoke to her about calling DS gaunt, MIL was back to boasting about her favourite DGS, who is the same age as DS1.
Over dinner, MIL tried to tell us for the second time this trip how well her other grandson did in his GCSEs last summer. I don't know what he got, apart from it was "mainly As and Bs", but I suspect DS1 did significantly better. Twice MIL told us that she'd made a special note of her other DGS's GCSE results (she has not tried to make a similar note of DS's results). So, I told her what he'd got subject by subject, and which A levels he is doing and which universities he's beginning to consider. She kept trying to butt in to stop me, indicating that she didn't like to dwell on academic successes and it's so much better when people just get on with taking and passing exams without making a fuss but I just brushed her objections aside and ploughed on.
It was really a bit of a polite stand off between us, and, amazingly I think DH was on my side!
Anyway now she knows. And next time she starts to boast about her favourite DGS again, I'll give her 5 mins and then start talking about what our two have done recently.

I know this is a derailment from year 12 talk, but parents and grandparents who make favourites and then don't even try to hide it, really appal me! So, maybe 16 years too late, but I've drawn a line in the sand for MIL over her 16 year campaign to make DS second best!

Well done Whistl. At least your boys know you and dh always have their corner. Are her other dgs her daughters ? I only ask because you sometimes find there is a thing between mothers and their sons whereby no wife can ever be good enough for them however amazing they are and by association their dc too. Don’t know if there is an element of that here ?

I’m afraid they came last.

Favouritism really annoys me luckily we’ve never experienced it from either side but I can imagine how galling it must be. Hope your ds wasn’t too bothered by the comment.

Whistl good for you! And I’m sure it’s much appreciated by DS1. It sounds like you’ve found the right way to deal with her but it’s very sad that she behaves like this in the first place.

Yes DH is the only son. MIL has a favourite DD and that DD's DS is the favourite grandchild. Then comes the other DD's son and mine and DH's two seem to be equally disregarded.

I suspect I'm not good enough for DH (too low class). Her thinking and way of looking at the world went out of fashion c. 1960, so I'm not too bothered if she thinks I'm her social inferior.
What I do care about is that she hurts DH with the way that she pointedly ignores his children, whilst slavishly following and reporting every step of the favourite grandsons life.
Also, I can't help this, it annoys me that she can't see that DH and I have raised two boys that we can be proud of.
Anyway I feel better now that I've basically stiff up to get about it.

It was the strangest thing, it was as though we were verbally fencing whilst both pretending that we were just having a pleasant chat at the dining table. And I won the round!

If it makes you feel any better Whistl my mil put a lovely post on facebook about the thank you card she got from our niece. She could 't post about the thank you cards from our boys as she didn't buy them anything!!

That's exactly what is like Shalom!
I remember when DS1 was about 5 or 6, we didn't a couple of days visiting MIL between Christmas and New Year.
She hadn't given either child any Christmas present at all, and actually had only ever bought one thing for them: DS1's high chair as his (belated) new baby present. We thought she just didn't give her grandchildren Christmas or birthday presents (or cards). In fact, I used to buy them cards from her when they were little and write inside them myself, just so they thought she loved them.
So, after leaving MILs, we stopped off at SIL's on the drive back home. Her DS was playing with an expensive digital camera and I complimented SIL on it. She replied that it was his Christmas present from MIL.

I think that was the first time, I knew for sure that MIL isn't concerned about the rights and wrongs of favouritism.

Well I know you are not my SIL but I wonder how MIL is pulling off this double life!

Whistl - that’s so hard. DS has had a lot of mental health issues over the last few years and some family members have shown no support- it is hurtful and very difficult to live with

My DH does not like me mentioning the unfairness to him (I assume because he is embarassed). Also I wouldn't get so irritated if she kept it to herself but things like the FB post or the I took DNs to the panto/cinema/show/anything comments are just irksome when she doesn't do the same or similar or frankly anything for ours. I sort of get the DD kids over DS kids thing (not really) but the other GCs here are DH's brother's kids.

Shalom do you think your SIL knows about the disparity? Mine definitely does - she was quite put out a few years back when all the grandchildren got an equal share in a generous cash gift from a distant relative one Christmas.
(I'd forgotten about that until just now. Her face was a picture! She clearly felt that something was amiss but couldn't work out how to justify changing the proportions do that get DS got more than everyone else put together!)
She looked a bit queasy!

DH is not happy discussing it either. I think that's why it's gone 16 years. He's been exceptionally creative over the years in finding excuses for his DM.
However, he walked back into the room the other day just after she'd finished insisting to DS1 that he is gaunt and I repeated what she'd just said to him in front of her (in a puzzled way) so she had an opportunity to correct any misunderstanding but she didn't take it.
I don't suppose she'll stop, but I think we now understand each other that her behaviour is going to be challenged from now on.

Hopefully you can make sure your DS s know its a function of the times and unfortunately quite common however unfair, and absolutely not any reflection on their ability or character.

I'm v fortunate not to have experienced any of this directly but looking back I did witness my paternal grandmother making life very difficult for my mother even though she went out of her way to look after her in her old age. Nothing she could do was ever good enough, she must have had the patience of a saint to put up with it.

whistl and shalom What horrific behaviour from your MILs! Really shocking that they think some grandchildren are more special than others and should be treated differently.

My FIL has consistently made my DSs feel that they are not good enough. FIL is sporty and very into football which neither of my boys are. They are musical and DS1 is particularly academic and these are not traits that are deemed worthy. He has not sought to engage with them and is very sneery of their achievement. It was only recently that he started coming to their concerts and by then, it was too little, too late.

FIL passed away in early December and crem service is tomorrow. DSs are not bothered and I'm anxious that they might appear too 'happy' at the reception afterwards. They didn't really care for him and unfortunately, his actions meant he never formed any ties with the younger members of his family. It's going to be the same with your MILs too - your DC will never remember her fondly. Sad to think it could be so different. May be a lesson for us all!

242 Best wishes for tomorrow.

Alex Disappointing outcome, but we tried.

Whistl & Shalom I know it's difficult when favouritism affects your DC. You try to brush it off when it's you, but nobody likes their DC being treated unfairly and snubbed.

We got delayed at the hospital yesterday and had forgotten to leave the lights on for DMiL before we left in daylight and she can't walk to get to the switch. I'm convinced DFil had a slight smirk on his face when he realised and considered it payback for her sniping & bad temper.

whistl - what can I say except "Woop, woop!! Go girl!!"
She sounds like a miserable stuck-up old b*gger and your boys aren't missing anything.
At least you can tell your boys they aren't obligated to visit her when she gets put in a home.........or ever again if they don't want to.

It sounds horrendous, all this favouritism. I’m lucky that my family don’t go in for it. I’m sure there are grandchildren, nieces and nephews that are perhaps preferred but that’s in private and presents are always pretty much exactly equal.

Mind you, that’s from my perspective. My parents had 7 grandchildren and my SIL felt her DS was less favoured. He was the only boy GC for a while and I think my parents found him very boisterous and a bit exhausting. He’s very sporty, though which my dad loved. My dad didn’t really get to know my 3 as well as he was ill and died before DS3 was 2.

On my ex’s side, my 3 were the only GC so no favourites there.

I keep asking my DSs which one is my favourite out of them and they all reckon it’s them!

DS1 is applying for jobs, like proper graduate jobs. It’s a bit scary! Suddenly realising that this halfway house time of them leaving home but coming back regularly for long holidays is coming to an end. Soon he’ll be properly moved away.

One rejection so far from Google! Expecting many more. It’s a numbers game, apply for lots and hope for a couple of interviews.

Sorry about the poll outcome Alexander

Felt like doing a fist pump and shouting 'yeah' when I heard how you put MIL in her place whistl (I may grow up some day)

Not seen any overt favouritism in our family thankfully - although my dad used to make it clear that he thought my brother was the bees knees. However, it turns out that he used to big me up to my brother (divide and rule!)

I don't think my parents have a favourite, but sometimes it feels very awkward in my family as one of my DN's has ASD and has found it impossible to get a job he can manage having left school without any qualifications whilst my other DN has life threatening special needs. Day to day conversations about DD make her sound like girl wonder by comparison (head girl last year, great exam results, sporty, confident etc) but each of their achievements are so far removed from each other. Sometimes I think my parents wish they had more mundane, middle of the range grandchildren who they could relate to. I hope that doesn't sound a bit weird.

Sticker no, that doesn't sound weird. It's not about treating them as if they are identical, it's about treating them all as if they are equally liked and loved.

I spoke to DS this afternoon. The whole thing was not water off a duck's back to him. I guess he's beginning to grow up and realise what is and isn't acceptable ways for adults to behave.
He isn't hurt by her thin-shaming him (is there such a thing?) but he minds that she was rude and he's fed up being told how great his cousin is. Generally, because of that and a few other things that happened, his patience for MIL has run out and he's no longer interested in her opinion of him. His analysis of her demanding behaviour over the last few days surprised me - I thought he had not been watching what was going on, but it turns out that he saw it and didn't like what he saw.

I guess that is something that will hit each of us soon, if it has not already. Suddenly, our DC will start forming their own opinions based on what they observe and our influence over them will dramatically reduce. DH has always tried to demand that our DSes see his DM as he does, and that they treat her with love, admiration and respect, but DS1 is not seeing much to admire and he's not going to be told what to think any more.

Wow whistl that is a strong response from your DS. Good on him.

Agree that our DC are no longer children who need to use parents as a filter to decipher social and moral codes. But scary as they might not be as confident as they appear. Hope your DS is OK in the face of conflicting expectations from your DH and his own feelings.

Happy New Year everyone!
Hope you all had a lovely Christmas and a good start in the new year and all our DC's can relax at least a little bit over their school break.

I was on the old thread, but DD4 managed to throw my laptop from the table and I hadn't enough money to replace it.
I try to catch up on the new topics now

We're fine. DS1 spend a lot of the break on his DT coursework and revising with DS2 for his GCSE. He also made good extra money for working over christmas (we don't celebrate, so it wasn't bad for him). People are often very generous with tips over the holidays . End of term report card was good. He's on track for all this target grades.

I had a great Xmas marred only by sibling rivalry. At age 37 and 38 I thought my 2 dds had grown out if it but they haven't ( sigh) . my eldest, no matter his much love and attention I gave her it was never enough and she does the least for me always feeling hard done by, thinking I don't spend the same on dgs as I do dgd (which is not true as I go to great pains to spend exact amount so there's no arguments though my dgs like his mother, never appreciates anything and I'm lucky if I get a thankyou. My youngest who dies a lot for me feels hard done by because her sister doesn't do much for me. I don't ask for anything and am stuck in the middle trying g to placate both dds. It can get really wearing and stressful. I told them both this Xmas that when I'm dead they can scratch each others eyes out if they want, but while I'm alive its about time they started acting like adults when they are around me!