DS Not Wanting to go to University

[Icequeen01]

I have a DS in year 12 and it is quite clear he is not keen to go to Uni. We suggested tonight we start having a look at some universities but we could see the panic in his face. We have reassured him that if he decides he doesn't want to go that's fine, but we just want him to see what his options are.

DS is so like me, a home bird. He has a close group of friends but he's not the partying/out all the time type and I think he would hate the socialising side of uni. I totally get why he doesn't like the thought of Uni, I never contemplated it myself as it would have been my worst nightmare, but was lucky enough to go on to have some fab jobs. However, it is very different for kids these days and it seems they have to have gone to Uni to get a half decent job, or is that just my perception?

DS is doing computing, physics and business studies at A level and seems keen on doing an apprenticeship in something computing related. I worry about this as I know decent apprenticeships are hard to find. He's a bright boy who is still at his grammar school for 6th form (didn't enter his mind that he could go elsewhere for 6th form as that would involve change!) but he lacks motivation if I'm honest. We also told him that he needed to remember that his friends wouldn't always be around as they would probably go off to uni next year but he told us that 3 of them have decided they don't want to go either!

Just wondered if this is unusual? It seems, particularly on NM sometimes, that Uni really is the only way forward and to not go will ruin their careers before they have started. I would be interested to hear if there are any other parents in this situation.

DS2 decided not to go to university, and it was something we found very hard to deal with, for all the reasons that you've written.

But ultimately, it's his decision. You can't force them.

We're still in 'this situation', 3 years on - he's working, but in a job that is fairly undemanding. And although it offers promotion prospects, that he could go for, he chooses not to go for them either.

Our son decided university wasn't for him and went straight to Sandhurst as an army officer from school.
Whilst most of his friends did go to university, he is better off financially and some are struggling to find graduate jobs.
A couple of others went into retail and are now on management training programmes. University isn't the only way......

I was expected to go and did.I didn't want to go, and didn't get much out of it except a fair bit of debt.I have a vocational job that I've never used my degree for.
All in all it would have been far better for me personally to go straight to work after a levels (or travelled a bit)...
For some people, especially now when a degree doesn't equal employment in the same way it might once have done, uni just isn't the right choice. There is nothing wrong in that-especially as your DS has another plan in mind.
There's nothing stopping him going to uni when he is a bit older if he wants to then...

Nothing wrong with not going to university, but I do think you are right to encourage him to have a good look at different options so any choices he makes are informed choices, and not 'I'm too nervous to leave home' choices.
That might include attending a local university. It might include looking into higher apprenticeships. that might include taking a year out and maturing / gaining confidence by working and earning even in a job that you might think of as being fairly unskilled.
It's probably worth going to things like 'What Career? Live' and 'The Skills Show' etc to talk to employers about different options as well as going to some open days.

In year 12 I didn't want to go either, applied anyway so I had options. I ended up going but stayed living at home, I realise now it was the living away that put me off - don't think I did one night out at the uni - I'm not a big drinker/partier never have been. You don't have to live the uni/student lifestyle - is there any local Uni's? I travelled about half an hour by train to get there each day (might be an option if your DS has a change of heart)

I didn't socialise outside of class at uni and never once went to a party during the 5 years I was there. So it's not necessarily part and parcel of going to uni.

Is it possible for him to go to a Uni local to where you live? That way he could continue to live at home and wouldn't have to be at uni for any time beyond his classes and lectures.

Is there no university within commuting distance so he could continue to live at home if change is an issue for him? Sounds like he is doing great subjects for university with a good future before him

My experience of grammar schools, if the one my DD1 went to is anything to go by, is that they peddle university as the be all and end all, and the only option. Not just to students, but to their parents too if they can get away with it.

It really isn't. Let him explore his other options and when he has finished see what happens.

Ds1 didn't want to go to uni. I dragged him round a few to look at but he really wasnt interested. He got a job instead and is really happy. However I'm not sure if he will ever be able to afford to move out! He seems very settled. He goes and visits friends who have gone off to uni but says he never regrets not going.

DS2 left school last summer. He had a place at uni in September and is really looking forward to it. He is working during his gap year and loving his job, but knows he needs to go to uni to pursue his chosen career (engineering).

University isn't for everyone Ds1 was very clear that he didn't want to rack up £50k of debt doing something he didn't want to do. And if he changes his mind, he can always go to uni later on.

Ultimately his choice though I understand why you're worried.

Options are:

Uni near home if there is one in commutable distance, or even one he could come home at weekends?

College near home.

Apprenticeship or job - lots of IT people go straight into work.

Go to uni when he's older, even just a year eg he takes a gap year, gets a job and in that time he may well grow in confidence/maturity. I did uni twice, once as a youngster then again at 31. I enjoyed it more and worked harder the 2nd time!

I've got a dd considering the same kind of options at the moment, it's hard, it's VERY hard biting your tongue.

It largely depends on what he would do at uni, and what his future plans are. With all the associated debt, and the large number of kids going to university, I'm not convinced it's all it's cracked up to be these days.
And I speak as someone who did it twice. The first time many moons ago when we still got grants, and mine didn't really lead anywhere even then. The second time took me straight into a career path and was before the fees sky-rocketed, but 8 years later I'm still paying it off and have a way to go yet.
Unless he is set on a career that needs a degree, I would think that in the current job market, decent A levels and a good apprenticeship is actually a better option than joining the crowds who come out university with degrees and struggle to find their place in the workforce. If he is capable of applying himself and has enough maturity to function in the workplace, I would actually push him more to an apprenticeship. I suspect the solid work and commercial experience would ultimately give him more of an advantage.

I have realised recently that off all the people I have worked with, those that are by far and away the best at their jobs did not go to university. One is self taught, he has an HND and loads of experience; one did evening classes whilst working; one stared working for his dad when he was 16. They all have a dimension of understanding that the A levels + degree route goes but give you.

University is such a huge financial commitment now, if he doesn't want to go, then don't make him. The option will still be there, but if he starts a degree he does not really want to go m, the. He'll end up with debt and no useful qualifications (a degree in a subject you hate is not useful).

My DD had two years after sixth form where she worked, passed her driving test, bought a car before she decided at 19 she would actually like to go to uni and she is now in her first year. She loves it and is out socialising but if she had gone before it would have been a disaster, as like your son, complete homebird and an anxious introvert.

My DS complete opposite, straight to Uni, hardly socialises there as working his socks off and will be doing a Doctorate next year.

Everyone is different and will find their own path.

You should go to the open days though as long as he doesn't feel under pressure as you are right in knowing what his options are.

Good luck.

Thanks so much for all the replies which, I have to say, are really reassuring. We do have a good university less than an hour away. My DH and I had thought this might be a good solution for him to think about and I know his school is arranging to take the 6th form there in the spring. We had automatically assumed he would stay there and I must admit it hadn't even occurred to me that he could commute each day. The more I think about it the more the idea seems the perfect solution and certainly something I am going to suggest to DS.

To be fair, his school has been really good in presenting all the options to the kids in 6th form and don't seem to be pushing them in any direction, which was a pleasant surprise for a grammar school whom I assumed would push them all towards university.

I have a lovely niece who left a great university last year with a first. She has no idea what to do with it and is now working as a receptionist with a huge amount of debt around her neck and I struggle to see the point of her degree.

I also agree about him being able to go later. My sister went at 18 and then again at 38 when she did a law degree and she now owns her own very successful law firm so I know you are never too old to change paths.

Thank you all so much for your posts. I can't tell you how helpful they have been and have really given me food for thought.

OP, also consider that he likely won't need to commute every day either. I did a double degree and was able to get my classes on two days of the week, so that made the commute etc. far more appealing. I don't think I know anyone who was at uni 5 days a week. Timetabling is generally pretty flexible, and the uni will often be willing to let you change classes if the ones you've been timetabled into don't fit.

Best of luck to your son with his decision. I can completely relate as I couldn't have thought of anything worse than living in dorms and going to uni bar every second night.

I work with a lot of students who clearly did not (and do not) want to go to university but went anyway because of pressure from parents, schools or just being swept along doing what everyone else does. It's not a good thing for anyone involved (including the motivated students who are stuck in classes full of apathy or outright antipathy towards learning).

The worst thing is that these students would do much better if they got jobs or apprenticeships and maybe came to university later on when they actually wanted to. Saying 'not now' after 6th form does not necessarily mean 'no, never'. Even if it ends up meaning 'no, never', that can be a better thing for the person themselves.

Just to add - lots of students commute in from home these days - it will reduce the costs. Also, with the subjects he is doing he should try to go for a degree with a paid placement year in year 3. If he can live at home during the placement year he can save and reduce the debt from the fourth year.
If your local uni runs the ITMB course that might be good for him with his A level combo. It is very vocationally oriented and designed by employers.

It never occurred to me to not go to university straight after school, and I worked hard and subsequently went to oxbridge (around ten years ago) - it seemed like the best way to get to my chosen field for which a degree was non negotiable.

My one regret, actually, was going immediately after year 13. In hindsight, I wasn't ready - I'd come from a very academic, single sex school and was doing a subject that tended to attract very outgoing type, and the social side was totally overwhelming. I got a lot from uni - I loved my time in a beautiful city full of interesting people and I threw myself into everything, and I made some great friends including my husband - but looking back, if I had waited for a year or two until I had grown up, got less shy and more comfortable with who I was (I was completely in denial about my sexuality for example), I feel like I would have enjoyed it much more.

Just because he doesn't want to go now, as others have said, it doesn't mean that's it. When I was at uni it felt it was the only way to get a job, but at work now we have just recruited a number of 18 year olds who are doing almost the same work as the 21 year olds, and this in a specialist area. Some of them want to go to university in a year for sure, others are trying out the area, and still growing up, before decide whether and when to commit to a course.

Good luck to him and you either way :)

Ds2 is a bright grammar school boy (just mention that as you have OP)- I have told him to think very carefully about university as he really hates academic work (both dh and I went to Oxford so we're not funny about universities )

I am currently even telling him to be careful about A levels as I cannot see him motivated to do well in them and I think he may well be better off doing something he will engage with. I am currently dragging him off to colleges and universities - if he sees a degree he likes and finds out it needs a levels at least he'll know why he's doing A levels. In the meantime he's seen a UAL extended diploma that he loves the look of.

My youngest (who didn't pass the 11 plus!) is an academic through and through. I am sure he will want to go to university to study something that involves spending a lot of time in the library.

Given the cost of uni I don't think anyone should go unless they really want to.

Why not look at the apprenticeships that allow you to get a degree at the same time? They're competitive but that doesn't mean he shouldn't apply. My friend's son qualified as an accountants via an apprenticeship.

DS2 dithered. He knew he wanted to go at some point but definitely had reservations. He had a gap year, work, travelled and came back raring to go.
He's very settled in his first year.

Of his seven flatmates all but one had a gap year.

And yes - I think uni when older can be very sensible. If you're not sure what you want to do it makes sense to wait.

Depends what he wants to do after uni.
Two of mine didn't go. One at 20 was made store manager after working for the company for a year. The other one at 19 was area leader, she started at 17. Both have people with degrees working under them. They both know that at any point they can go to uni and get a degree. Just at the moment they are working, enjoying themselves and saving up rather than incurring what 50k of debt. That's a daunting feeling for many, the thought of having so much debt. Unlike previous generations it's all loans, so many young people are now being cautious about going to uni because for them to do a second degree the reality is that's potentially what 100k of debt.
So in short, before making suggestions he needs to know what he wants to do long term. And does this need a degree.

Thank you all again for so many helpful replies. Some really great points which I hadn't really thought about to be honest. Again, it hadn't occurred to me that if he did commute to Uni it would not necessarily mean he has to go in everyday.

The more I think about him commuting to Uni the more I think this would suit him but still give him the opportunity to stay if he decides to spread his wings later on. He is currently learning to drive and has a little car (thanks to a small inheritance from his grandad) and he could even drive himself there. He is not enjoying learning to drive so this could also give him the push he needs.

I'm feeling much less anxious now thanks to all your replies and realise there are so many different options open to him and if he takes a little longer to mature and feel comfortable about leaving home then that's ok too.

Yea I had fellow students at uni who had long-ish commutes, we'd get our timetables and then they'd go to the faculty office and work out swaps so they only had contact time 2-3 days a week. They had access to academic libraries nearer home through our uni/council. It let them sort out car shares with other students from the same areas to keep transport costs down too.

Hi Op. I would recommend that your DS looks at applying to a university summer school. Your local one may do one or look at The Headstart courses. It will give your DS an insight into university and his subjects.
If he does decide to go to university, it sounds like he would benefit from doing a Gap year and working first. As others have said, there is no rush to go. My DD went at 18 and hated the whole experience. She dropped out and worked for 6 months. She has now gone to a more local university to do a different subject. She is living there but can get home in an hour when she chooses to. We also encouraged her to look at apprenticeships etc.
My DD2 is a real home bird but has also gone to university this year. She has chosen a campus university which she loves and comes home every 2 weeks (often on a Saturday until Sunday). Again I would have been happy had she chosen the apprenticeship route.