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Further education

You'll find discussions about A Levels and universities on our Further Education forum.

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Original poster

Daughter starting university

38 replies

macca21 · 14/09/2014 11:59

Hi I'm new to this so not even sure I'm in the right place. My daughter is off to university next week and I am making myself ill with worry about how she will cope. She's very quiet and shy and has not had any experience of clubbing etc and hardly drinks. I know that University isn't all about drinking but I am concerned that she will feel pressured. My main concern at the moment is the welcome party that occurs on the first night she arrives - I'm scared about her going with people she has only just met and then ending up losing them during the evening and being stuck for getting home. I know I'm probably being irrational but I'm even thinking of booking into a hotel that night so that I'm close by in case she needs me. Is there anyone out there who can give me any advice?

OP posts:

KatyMac · 14/09/2014 12:02

Make sure she has her address on a bit of paper & her phone
Set up an account with a taxi company if you are worried & make sure she has the number
DD has an emergency £10 "just in case"

& you brought her up,she is likely to follow your rules/ethos for at least a little while before she goes wild!

My DD is the same she left yesterday & I promise the first night your DD will be fine

Kez100 · 14/09/2014 14:44

Macca, I am exactly the same as you and my daughter could be described in the same way. Except my daughter went yesterday! I have heard nothing from her directly but I am a friend of hers on twitter and know from things she has posted on there that she was out last night with new friends, that most were drunk and at midnight the flats in their block were all piled into one kitchen. She had had a drink but wasn't drunk and was still really enjoying the experience beyond her comfort zone. Tonight is the party night and she has to be up for 9 tomorrow for her first course meeting!

In the planning before she went I gave her £15 to leave in her bag which was for a taxi should she ever find herself on her own and needing to get home.

I have only texted the once, to say we have found the thing she needs which she left at home and we will send it in the post tomorrow.

I think we have to let them go and suffer our feelings together in your thread here!

Original poster

macca21 · 14/09/2014 17:32

Thanks both - is making me feel a bit better but I know come next weekend I'll be a wreck. Not helped by the fact she has had a mini meltdown and now says she doesn't want to go. I've had to be all positive with her whilst secretly thinking in my head that I don't want her to go either! I'm hoping its last minute nerves and that all will be well next week - its just so hard.

OP posts:

KatyMac · 14/09/2014 19:37

DD is cooking her third meal - so I know she will be fed

She doesn't drink at all (yet) so fingers crossed on that one.

It will be fine

popcornpaws · 15/09/2014 10:49

My dd moved into a shared flat last week but just stayed a few days to get her stuff organised and pick up her I.D etc from uni as she doesn't actually start until today.
She has met the others that she is sharing with and they seem nice, she went back to the flat yesterday and she is now properly moved in.
She is only 17 so there are a lot of things during freshers week that she won't be able to attend but she doesn't seem bothered by that.
she text me last night to ask why smoke was coming out the oven door when she was cooking her dinner…

mumeeee · 15/09/2014 13:46

Hi macca21. I was a bit like you last year when my youngest daughter started uni. She was 21 so a bit older than some students but there were others the same age and older than het starting at the same time. Anyway she is dyspraxic and has other learning difficulties so more like q younger teenaager and she has always had difficulties socialising.? However she settled to uni life made friends with both her flatemates and students on her course. She also joined societies. We had some stresses with her worrying about getting assignments done. But she did it and passed her first year. She went back this weekend. She's back in halls with different people. When we said goodbye to her yesterday she was fully involved in helping freshers move in and she is helping with other freshers stuff during the week, She doesn't drink much and her friends are fine with that. Nor all students will drink loads or pressure others to do the same. By the way there is an empty nest thread over on higher education and you will find lots of supportive parents there.

Original poster

macca21 · 17/09/2014 19:32

Thanks all - I'm still stressing but hopefully she will be able to settle in and all my fears will prove to be unfounded. I didn't mention the full circumstances earlier but my elder daughter was killed in a car accident at the end of May so has been a difficult few months and hence why my thoughts are so irrational - I didn't really worry at all about her when she started Uni so I am trying to accept that she has to give it a go and if it doesn't work out, then so be it...

OP posts:

Lindor · 17/09/2014 21:48

So sorry to hear that Macca. I'm sure your daughter will be fine. My DS heads off on Friday, and is in halls sharing a flat with 4 girls and 2 boys he's yet to meet (unless you count facebook).

I'm concerned about him: alcohol, getting to lectures, getting work done, eating sensibly. But I'm sure they will all look out for and look after each other. He only turned 18 at the end of May so doesn't have a lot of experience of clubbing etc as places are so hot on ID nowadays. When he does go out, quite often he will just ask for a glass of tap water at the bar as that's what he prefers and it's free!

I'm sure your daughter will find like=minded people and settle in fine. It's a big step for us all x

KatyMac · 18/09/2014 07:37

Macca, I don't know what to say - I am sorry

My Dad is seriously ill just now, so DD & I havehad counselling all summer to help deal with the college transition. I hope you and your DD have had support

mumeeee · 18/09/2014 10:53

Sorry to hear that Macca21.!My thoughts and prayers are with you and your DD

MehsMum · 18/09/2014 11:01

Oh, Macca, . How horrible.

My DD who started uni last year is fairly anti-social, quiet, doesn't drink a lot, dislikes crowds (finds them vv tiring). Even she went to the welcome party, has joined various clubs and made some friends.

I think we always hear about the students who drink to excess, not the ones who have the odd pint and then go and swot away. 30 years ago it was all about students doing drugs, and my parents duly panicked, but nobody ever offered me any!

Kez100 · 18/09/2014 14:42

My daughter has had a really good first week. Her flatmates are great fun and they already take the mickey out of each other. My daughter has been out to some of the events with them but not all. She has signed up to be a Student Helper on Open Days and is really looking forward to the Ball as there is live music - she loves that and concerts, even though clubbing is not her thing. What is nice is that they have accepted her for who she is and they have not expected them all to be little clones of each other.

Long may it continue - especially when the work kicks in!

Good luck to all those going this weekend.

Original poster

macca21 · 19/09/2014 18:26

Thank you for all the support - it helps although I am still a wreck. I know she's got a sensible head on her shoulders and is unlikely to give in to peer pressure but I still worry.
Just got to get tomorrow out of the way now and then I am sure I will be able to relax a bit more.

OP posts:

Lindor · 20/09/2014 12:42

Hi Macca,

hope it all goes well today and you get your daughter settled into her residence. Let us know how it goes,

Original poster

macca21 · 21/09/2014 18:53

Its been a dreadful weekend - Me and her Dad took her yesterday and I stayed over in a nearby hotel - her Dad went home (we divorced earlier this year - 2014 has not been good to me at all).
We've had tears and her begging to come home already. She says she doesn't like her flatmates although she did go out with some of them last night. Hopefully the week will get better. I have been sat here in tears myself since I got back. I just want to tell her that yes she can come home but I haven't - I've made all the right noises and told her she has to give it a chance...

OP posts:

Kez100 · 22/09/2014 19:02

When does her actual course start?

Lindor · 22/09/2014 23:01

that's tough for you Macca. But hopefully she will settle. You're at the end of the phone if she needs you. Sending you hugs x

Original poster

macca21 · 24/09/2014 19:28

Thanks - her course starts Monday but she had introductory lectures this morning - said everyone seemed unfriendly....
She is very down and I just don't know what to do - she is looking at joining a couple of societies though so fingers crossed..

OP posts:

Kez100 · 24/09/2014 22:31

I expect unfriendly could be nervous? Hopefully next week when she can start work she will feel more comfortable.

My daughter started this week and is already inundated with work including a group piece and her text yesterday reported it as being the most useless group ever - however they met again today and have almost completed the task due for Monday (so not quite so hopeless after all!!!) I think first impressions when in such an alien environment might be difficult to rely on.

Watch out for a fresher flu! Loads have got it at my daughter Uni including her now :(

Original poster

macca21 · 26/09/2014 00:39

That's what I told her! Its not getting any easier and I've had her on the phone in tears this evening. Its so hard. I am going to visit at the weekend though. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't even consider this but she's still grieving for her sister so what the hell, she wants me to go so I'm going.
Dreading the Fresher Flu on top of everything else - will just make her feel even lower.

OP posts:

Kez100 · 26/09/2014 08:57

There may be a welfare help area for her at Uni as well Macca. My daughter had an incident yesterday and had to speak to her Uni student welfare services.

AMumInScotland · 26/09/2014 09:41

Oh that must be so difficult for you as well as for her.

A few things that might help -
The Uni will have a welfare section, and people will be looking out for freshers who are overwhelmed by it all - make sure she knows they are there for her.

Also, there will be chaplains - whether your daughter has any faith or none, they are there to help 'look after' all of the students, and are likely to also be providing quieter places to stop and chat over a coffee, see a friendly face, talk about things that are bothering them.

There will be a chance to see all the societies on offer and maybe sign up for them - if she's not into drinking/clubbing then this is a great source of like-minded people, as she can join up for a sport, or chess, or conservation volunteers, or whatever.

And the people on her course being unfriendly - more likely they are all also nervous and tense and not giving off 'cheerful and friendly' vibes, but that will settle down when they get a chance to know each other.

Original poster

macca21 · 26/09/2014 17:53

Thanks - I've asked her to go and see the welfare service but so far she hasn't - not sure what I can do other than frogmarch her down there! She's joined crosscountry and yoga to start with so will see if that helps too - although she has been on the phone yet again being very negative.
With hindsight I think it may all be too much too soon - I feel like I should have encouraged her to take a year out instead but I think we all felt she should at least try. Trouble is she seemed very together in the weeks before she went so everyone thought she would cope. I guess its a very different story when you no longer have family and friends around to give unconditional love and support.
Will see how she is when I visit .

OP posts:

Lindor · 28/09/2014 11:06

Hi Macca, it's good that she's joined some clubs. have you seen her over the weekend? Do her lectures start on Monday? Hopefully having a routine will help her. How are you coping yourself during the week - have you got things to do and people you can talk to?

Kez100 · 28/09/2014 15:37

Can I just add that five of my daughter flatmates (out of 6) have been in tears this week for one reason or another (some course choice, some over-drinking and generally rundown, some homesickness). Just so you realise it is a perfectly common process.

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