Daughter starting university

[macca21]

Hi I'm new to this so not even sure I'm in the right place. My daughter is off to university next week and I am making myself ill with worry about how she will cope. She's very quiet and shy and has not had any experience of clubbing etc and hardly drinks. I know that University isn't all about drinking but I am concerned that she will feel pressured. My main concern at the moment is the welcome party that occurs on the first night she arrives - I'm scared about her going with people she has only just met and then ending up losing them during the evening and being stuck for getting home. I know I'm probably being irrational but I'm even thinking of booking into a hotel that night so that I'm close by in case she needs me. Is there anyone out there who can give me any advice?

Well I've been up this weekend to see her and she wasn't great to be honest- she'd perked up a bit by the time I was leaving today. I have to say she spent all of yesterday evening with me and didn't get one text to ask where she was and then today no one asked her either - its no wonder she's feeling down - because she isn't interested in going clubbing they aren't interested in her. She is fed up with trying to talk to them about other things - they just don't want to listen.

She has said that she wants to come home but feels like she hasn't given it enough time.... she is going to see how this week goes but I'm not optimistic.

I'm assuming 'they' is her flatmates?
The thing is, they are probably all just focussed on their own needs and wants at this stage, finding people they have something in common with and trying to build friendships there. They are not automatically going to be lovely empathetic people who will notice that one of their flatmates is feeling unhappy and feel they have a responsibility to help her out.
She might wish it was different, but the average 18yo leaving home for the first time is going to be absorbed by their own issues, and they just won't assume that the flatmate who doesn't want the same things is in any way their problem. Sorry, that sounds harsh, but if they're thinking at all they'll be assuming she is finding her own circle of friends who suit her better.

It took me well into my first year to make friends, and I was just ordinarily quiet and shy, not grieving.

I do think she should give it longer - her flatmates aren't automatically going to become her friends, and she will have to go out and find people who will be. But if she's just not in an emotional place where that's going to happen, then that's something that nobody can push her into from outside. Has she spoken to a tutor, or the welfare service yet? I know most teens don't want to admit they're having problems, but honestly it can help to have someone tell you that these things do just happen and normally settle down ok - you can tell her that yourself, but you're her mum and that doesn't count! Someone at uni who has had similar conversations every year might be more believable.

Hopefully, this week she will have her course starting, her two societies and the welfare she can speak to. All opportunities to help her start the settling process.

Her course may even run icebreaker activities this week - my daughters did, but that might be because her course has a lot of practical elements. If they do, it is a good chance to get to know different people. Not necessarily new best friends but faces she will recognise around lectures and can say hi to or to simply have a coffee with during breaks.

Hi Macca,

How are you doing? Hopefully with lectures starting and work to be done your daughter has a focus for her days, and is keeping busy.

It's still such early days for them all, and even those who seem to be flying will have down days and moments of doubt. She is so lucky to have such a caring supportive mum.

sending ((hugs))

x

Hi - we are still no further on really and she is trying but not getting any positive responses. She isn't expecting her flatmates to be her best friends but its not too much to ask them to include her in things - she went into the kitchen today where there were 5 people in there - she said hello and only got one response. She has suggested to a couple of people on her course that they go for a coffee but got told they were busy. She knows that this was probably genuine and they might meet up another day but her confidence is already shattered so she is struggling not to take it personally. She has spoken to both welfare and her personal tutor and they have told her that lots of people feel like this so she needs to give it a few more weeks. Trouble is she is losing heart quickly and feels there is no incentive to stay.

I'm focusing on getting her through one day at a time for now to see if she can make it to a month!

When do her societies start? And when does her course workload and reading kick in, do you know?

How are you too?

Hi again,

well it sounds like she's doing the right things. Hopefully next time she will catch people at a good time for them. They're probably all still working out their timetables ,and getting other admin finished off before they start worrying about paying for their accommodation.

How about you, Macca, have you been able to get out and do something nice, or meet up with a friend? Are you working?

I finally found the time to meet up with a friend today, and it was so nice to be able to let it all out. I didn't even know I was holding it all in!

x

it's been a fraught few days which included my internet going down and for some reason couldn't access MN on my phone.

She decided to leave University and came home on Friday. It was a difficult decision for her and as she said herself she has never done anything so out of character before - normally she would persevere. However, these aren't normal circumstances and once she was home she said it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her so she is happy she has made the right decision.

She is going to reapply closer to home for next year and hopefully find some part time work to keep her occupied over the next year.

Its still not going to be easy but I think we will be able to help each other - we just need to be together for now I think and it was just too soon for her to go away. She says she is still glad she tried otherwise she would have always wondered.

Thank you all for the support x

I am really pleased that she is happy. Life is about trying things and she did that and under conditions I, luckily, have never experienced. I wish her all the very best.

So glad she has made the decision and is feeling happy about it. It must be a relief for you both. Wishing you both all the best

x

I'm glad she made the decision. My so. Decided to change course after his first year and although he managed to complete the first year he is so much happier this year. Maybe uni isn't for her, who knows but I have always said that life is never a straight line and there are branches and diversions that we come across. Being content and happy is so much more important.
A year out will probably give her a lot of confidence. Good luck to her.

Im worried to, my daughter as no fearn wants to live life, we are from Sheffield n she going to Liverpool im never gonna sleep again, she is smart, awkward in social situations n try to fit in to not feel alone. She will work at a weather spoons when she goes but i know mental health with catch her n i cant hug her to sleep, how to i let go im crying already n i av 3 wk till she is gone xx

@Ames2020

Im worried to, my daughter as no fearn wants to live life, we are from Sheffield n she going to Liverpool im never gonna sleep again, she is smart, awkward in social situations n try to fit in to not feel alone. She will work at a weather spoons when she goes but i know mental health with catch her n i cant hug her to sleep, how to i let go im crying already n i av 3 wk till she is gone xx

@Ames2020 this is a zombie thread so you might want to start your own

But you’ve got to let your daughter live her life - don’t be crying all over her and tell her you’ll never sleep again. This is her big adventure and it’s not fair to taint it with your feelings.

If she’s smart she’ll be fine and when she struggles it’ll be a learning opportunity. It’s great that she already has a job lined up, this will give her structure, help her with independence and offer a ready made social circle outside of uni.

When you say you’re worried mental health will catch her, what do you mean? Does she have existing mental health issues and if so does she have support set up? If not, why do you think she’ll suffer?