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Fostering

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Original poster

Am I being incredibly selfish?

54 replies

Bambooparty · 28/03/2025 18:58

We have been approached to be kinship carers. It’s us or my 60 year old MIL. We already have 2 young children, but the youngest will be in primary school this September. Financially, and practically we can do it. We have the space and I am SAHM.

But I don’t think I want to. We are just starting to travel more and have a little bit more financial freedom. My DH works long hours so I would be doing the bulk of the care.

I worry my children would get less of me and I wouldn’t love the child in the same way I would mine, which would cause untold damage. I also worry about my MIL having the child as she is very hands off, and I know the child would lack affection and interaction. My DH worked extremely hard to get himself away from that situation without any family support.

We also live at the other side of the country to MIL so wouldn’t be able to help.

I can’t help think things happen for a reason and I am worried it will haunt me if I don’t help this baby. I am so incredibly torn.

Please be honest and let me know if I am being selfish.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 29/03/2025 11:13

its the sort of thing you should only do if you both really want to.

Mischance · 29/03/2025 11:20

So hard for you.

If the mother was on drugs/alcohol during pregnancy there is a risk that the baby might have some brain deficits. I have family experience of this and it has totally sapped every ounce of strength and happiness from the adoptive parents for years with no sign of any let up in the future. The child, now adult, has subtle frontal lobe damage with serious effects on behaviour and socialization, leading to drug addiction and antisocial behaviour. These were not apparent to begin with as a baby. The only way to asses that future risk is to know the drug status of the mother during pregnancy and you need that information before even beginning to consider helping.

First and foremost you must consider your existing family and the impact on your children and marriage. Thereuis nothing selfish about that. It is your duty.

I can see how hard this must feel for you if the alternative is the inadequate care that your MIL might give, should she agree to this. But that is not your responsibility.

There are other alternatives too which you must discuss with the SWs.

The only condition under which you should take on this baby is if you and your OH are 100% sure it is right for your family. Nothing less will do.

And if you decide that this condition is not met then you.must turn down the request with no guilt.

WisePearlPoet · 04/04/2025 20:35

Blackcountrychik83 · 29/03/2025 11:02

I’m going through this at the minute for my Grandson and it’s hard work ! The assessment is so intrusive into your life and if you have to do contact etc .
I’ve been 90% sure I wanted this throughout it all and our final hearing is looming and I am now 50/50 .

Do I want social workers in my life , I’m in my 40s and have had my life back , been able to go on holidays etc starting the baby years again !!!

I’ve given up my job for this and I absolutely my Grandson from the very bottom of my being . I’ve done more for him than his own parents , I see him 3 times a week but facilitating contact and everything that comes with it just puts me off . I’m only now sort of realising that I painted a nice rosy picture in my head but I don’t think it will be .

Never mind the fact birth Mum isn’t a Mum to him at all so I’m now thinking maybe he’s better off going to a proper family who will adore him as much as I do . But can be a Mum to him coz I’m his Nanny il never be his Mommy . Do I want him pushed from pillow to post seeing his birth parents when they can be bothered .

Honestly it’s taken a good look into my heart to come to this decision coz I want the best for him and I’ve always said that’s with his real family but if I’m honest with myself , it probably isn’t .

I’ve spent months imagining him coming home but there’s always been that tiny piece at the back of my head that’s always questioned am I doing this for the right reasons ? And I’ve always been dead against adoption , never agreed with it but I am starting to wonder now .

I joined the kinship groups on fb and had to delete them coz they ain’t pretty and it’s hard work . You just have to be totally sure you want it . Good Luck x

Edited

Same here...deleted all the fb groups as they terrified me and so many posters had wrong information or didn't even know the process they were in. We have an SGO for our 4 year old GD, granted in February of this year. I am 60, husband is 65. We have been through every emotion possible and still mourn the life we won't have. It's exhausting, especially the last year dealing with obnoxious parents, social services and the courts as well as looking after a young child. For us it was the only option and no one else stepped forward. I couldn't bear the prospect of her being with strangers or being adopted. I don't regret it, we have a new normal and are settling into life as parents again.

Ted27 · 05/04/2025 08:10

@WisePearlPoet

You and your husband are doing an amazing thing for your grandchild.

I'm 60 this year and will continue to foster for a few more years but can't imagine a 4 year old!
Good luck to you all

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