Am I being incredibly selfish?

[Bambooparty]

We have been approached to be kinship carers. It’s us or my 60 year old MIL. We already have 2 young children, but the youngest will be in primary school this September. Financially, and practically we can do it. We have the space and I am SAHM.

But I don’t think I want to. We are just starting to travel more and have a little bit more financial freedom. My DH works long hours so I would be doing the bulk of the care.

I worry my children would get less of me and I wouldn’t love the child in the same way I would mine, which would cause untold damage. I also worry about my MIL having the child as she is very hands off, and I know the child would lack affection and interaction. My DH worked extremely hard to get himself away from that situation without any family support.

We also live at the other side of the country to MIL so wouldn’t be able to help.

I can’t help think things happen for a reason and I am worried it will haunt me if I don’t help this baby. I am so incredibly torn.

Please be honest and let me know if I am being selfish.

Is it expected to be long term? How old is the child? Do you have any relationship with the child at the moment?

Would it be temporary or long term?

I think the dc in question would probably better in a home that can fully meet their needs even if that's not you. That's not a criticism though, I would feel the same as you

I should have mentioned this, sorry. The baby is a newborn, I have put off seeing them as I am worried I won’t be able to make a logical decision after becoming attached as I absolutely adore children.

I have no doubt this will be long term. They are not doing anything to improve the situation and are currently in hospital under supervision with the baby.

It is cheaper for the LA to use kinship carers.

It may be better for the child too depending on the circumstances, but not if you are not fully committed.

Is the child older or younger than yours.
Will you get hassle from the child's birth parents.
Has the child been in a poor situation for a long time - that will impact them.

It may be they would be better off adopted by parents who can give their 'all' to them.

I would feel the same as you.
So no, you're not selfish, you're just aware of how much you can give.
Don't forget you're a person too, just because you're a woman/ SAHM doesn't mean that you're just a support human.

I actually mentioned this so the social worker and I asked if the baby should be adopted to have the best chance.

Her reply was that children have the most chance of thriving if they are placed with family. But I can’t help wonder if that’s true. I just know my MIL cannot be the best chance of this poor mite thriving.

It isnt cheaper to use kinship carers as you'll be assessed and approved as temporary connected persons carers and therefore will become a foster carer for the child

You could say that you'll do it for the duration of the proceedings but cant be and dont want to be assessed as a potential permanet carer for the child if the LA recommend that the child cannot be cared for by a birth parent or any other family member

There will be discussions and family exploration and other extended family members come out into the mix and might want to be assessed.

However if you feel it would compromise your care of your own children and not the life you want (ie you werent planning to have another child of your own), then thats fair enough, the child has to be wanted.

what relation is the child to you?

Is the baby a niece or nephew?

What is wrong with their own parents?

More details needed.

My honest view: If this happened, and it was my niece or nephew, or my best friend’s child, I would take them in. I would not want to and would have lots of misgivings but I would feel like I had to morally. Even though I would worry about the same things as you, I think I would feel like I could give them a better chance than my MIL (if she were as you described) or a stranger.

I am so sorry this has happened!

Nobody on her side wants anything to do with situation, this has already been explored. She has a large family but they have effectively washed their hands of her. Which unfortunately I understand, as you can only do so much help before you realise someone is beyond saving.

We were in the same position ourselves with the child’s father and did all we could to help. We lied too, stolen from and took advantage of at every opportunity.

Without going into too much detail, they are not my blood relative but my DH’s.

How is MIL feeling about it? Do you know? How is DH feeling about it?
I think you HAVE to make a selfish decision here because too many people, baby included, will suffer if you take it on half heartedly (I don't mean that you would, but it's the kind of situation that you need to be sure and committed to).
I think it's unlikely I would have done so when my dc were growing up. I probably would at 60 in MILs position.
The care system is very poor, so if MIL is considering it, I would not assume she would be a bad option - there's no good option here for the little one, just least worst options.

If this is a newborn still in hospital there will be further exploration of family as the proceedings play out, its expected by the court and also if there are any plans for adoption every stone has to be unturned to determine if there is anyone within family who wishes to be assessed. Thats not to say that those assessments would be positive, the assessor may feel that you or your MIL or whoever else might be assessed may not be able to provide permanency for the child if required.

However alternative carers, just like parents, do not have to be perfect, people and parents have flaws and its nearly always better for children to be brought up in their own family than stranger adoption

That said, SGO breakdowns occur, usually because utlimately the SGO carer just couldnt bond or treat the child as their own. Adoptions can also break down too, nothing is certain.

And of course not every case in proceedings ends with the children being permanently removed, parents can and do change.

Is the child likely to be affected by drugs or alcohol and need special care? That could take a lot out of you.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it must be unbelievably difficult.

If I made the decision to commit to this baby it would be an all or nothing situation. No parental contact at all especially if drugs are involved.

This is the only way I could take on a baby. Effectively the baby would be mine, adopted and my child.

It is not selfish, but it would be wonderfully generous if you were able to help.

I don't think you should do this. I'm an adoptive parent and it's hard. I think kinship care is harder still. You have all the responsibility and upheaval without the joy and excitement as it is not what you chose. Plus you have the rest of the childs birth family close at hand and muddying the waters. Good luck whatever you decide

You realise that most adoptions these days do have contact in some way shape or form?
Either by way of letter box contact or by open adoption which is more and more common.

Thank you for your kind words. At the moment she has refused a drug and alcohol test. I can only presume that’s because they would be positive. Beyond that we know nothing.

No you aren't being selfish OP
This isn't your child and you don't have to look after it at all .

Find out what brain damage the child has before even thinking about it. And the rest - addicts don’t always have normal babies.

They’ll prob tell you they don’t know/yet. Push for answers and forecasts.

If it were me, I’d do it cos the results I’ve seen were beautiful but DC weren’t too badly disabled at birth.

Whilst it's true children thrive best with family, and the courts will be looking at all and any family; it's also true that kinship placements very often break down.

This is understandable as these are placements formed out of wanting to do the right thing for a related child despite any complications for the family.

Foster families (not just the adult carers) need to withstand the challenges a traumatised child will likely bring with them. And those who come into fostering usually have had the time to think about this, reflect on their strengths, learn the advocacy skills required, had training in trauma and attachment styles and have had the time to explore the types of fostering that would best suit their family. They have spent time with their social worker identifying the best fit for them given the whole family's circumstances. All the while, the potential foster carers are getting the time and space to reflect on whether this is right for them, and if it is right for them right now.
This highly reflective assessment process is rigorous and long in an attempt to minimise placement breakdowns and disruptions later.

You sound like a kind person who wants to do the right thing. But it might take a while to work out what the right thing to do is. It might seem like an awful predicament but I really don't think it's selfish AT ALL to put your family first and say no or only agree to a temporary arrangement.

Far better for the baby's social work team to be working on finding this baby permanence with a loving, non-related family who are more than willing to rise to any potential issues than placing the baby with a related family who feel ambivalent or even slightly coerced. Not judging, in any way, this ask has implications for your whole family so you need to consider carefully.

Wishing you and the baby the very best of outcomes all round.

Honestly OP I wouldn't even begin to make a decision until you have all the facts. Taking on a child is not even comparable to becoming a full time carer.

I don't think you should do it. The baby could easily be adopted. What happens with the next baby. You could be in this situation again in two years time then they will guilt you to take a sibling. What does your husband think?

Does the baby have foetal alcohol syndrome?
I would be hugely torn- I would want to offer a stable home, with bonded carers. I’d also want to go in with my eyes open. FAS is hugely complex, and there is limited support. I’d certainly want all the information to think about long term implications.

@Bambooparty my STRONG advice before making this decision is spend some time reading about developmental trauma (impacts unborn babies as well as babies after birth). Read about people’s experiences of parenting children with it.

Go to the charity Kinship - they have amazing resources.

If it’s worth anything in your situation I would say no.

Think of the impact on your own children.