Am I being incredibly selfish?

[Bambooparty]

We have been approached to be kinship carers. It’s us or my 60 year old MIL. We already have 2 young children, but the youngest will be in primary school this September. Financially, and practically we can do it. We have the space and I am SAHM.

But I don’t think I want to. We are just starting to travel more and have a little bit more financial freedom. My DH works long hours so I would be doing the bulk of the care.

I worry my children would get less of me and I wouldn’t love the child in the same way I would mine, which would cause untold damage. I also worry about my MIL having the child as she is very hands off, and I know the child would lack affection and interaction. My DH worked extremely hard to get himself away from that situation without any family support.

We also live at the other side of the country to MIL so wouldn’t be able to help.

I can’t help think things happen for a reason and I am worried it will haunt me if I don’t help this baby. I am so incredibly torn.

Please be honest and let me know if I am being selfish.

Try not to see the situation as binary between "it's either us, or MIL"

What happens if you say no, is for social care to decide. It is their responsibility to decide whether MIL is up to it or not, and to support her if baby does end up there.

The only binary choice you have to make is "is this right for our family, yes or no?".

I think you HAVE to put your own family first. This baby is not your responsibility currently, and while I appreciate the guilt you’re feeling, you absolutely are not obliged to upturn your own DC’s lives to fix this.

i also agree you say a straight no and don’t meet the baby.

You can’t fix the whole world, and unless you immediately want to, this is not for you to fix. Adoption would be better for this baby.

Its not even at that stage yet anyway, the case will be in proceedings and will take months (it wont be concluded within the 26 weeks I doubt) to determine a final care plan for the child, so right now what this child needs is alternative care away from the mother, unless of course the judge decides against it as they will often prefer to see children kept with the parent in a residential unit or foster placement where the mum can remain with the child.

But if alternative care is needed now, that doesnt have to be the same carer that this child is permanently placed with at the end of the care proceedings.

OP, it’s likely they will find a foster carer quickly for the baby as it’s harder to find carers for older children than it is for newborns, as awful as that sounds.

As a PP said, if the baby’s mother is living a chaotic life, it could be just a matter of time before the next baby arrives. If you foster the first baby, you would be asked to take the next babies of course.

I know someone who fosters a child long term, since she was a baby and she is 12 now. The involvement from social services is quite intrusive with at least 5 visits a year for various appointments. When the birth parents get in touch they place demands on the foster carer for photographs and contact. The foster carer has other children but her focus is on the fostered child as she needs more support for day to day life.

Hello OP, I’m sorry you’ve been placed in this situation

My lovely friend (a single, bright, super brilliant woman) adopted a newborn from a similar situation. It has been utterly wonderful for her - she desperately wanted a child, and to have one from birth is so much better than older. The child had some early heath issues but is doing amazingly.

My feeling is that instead of adopting the child, you and your DH can use your intelligence and sway to advocate for the child, and see that MIL is NOT made carer. Submit all the ways that you know MIL, and describe how she is unsuitable; you can really expand on the reasons here.

It seems to me there might be a woman out there desperately waiting for a baby like my friend was, that could be so wonderful for this child.

Wishing you all the best

You shouldn’t do it if you don’t actually want to. Really you may become hugely resentful when the child has some level of attachment trauma and may even have further huge challenges if the mother has been abusing drugs.

If selfish means putting your own children first, then that's what you need to do, but I don't think that you are selfish. You do need to consider that you could all fall in love with the child and have them given back to their parents, or adopted out. The parents could remain unsuitable and you be asked to get into a very depressing version of baby ping pong. The child could have high needs from drugs or alcohol in pregnancy and you get no money or therapies from the local authority. If adoption is on the cards, then they could get less adoptable the longer they are with you as people want younger children.

I absolutely admire kinship carers, but it's not for the faint hearted.

Such a good idea to not see the baby.
I saw DN (DH's sister's baby) when she was born, underweight and scrawny due to the mother's smoking and alcohol.
I fell in love with DN instantly and so when there was discussion of us having her, I was all in. My dcs were 7-10. I was gutted when it fell through.
So many emotions to deal with.

So saying all that, I don't think you should feel pressured at all. I can't imagine taking in another person's baby when you don't feel it.

You could end up resenting the child and situation, and even your husband. It will affect the trajectory of your whole family's life.
Your responsibility is first to your own children.

Will your MIL actually say yes if you say no? I’d insist on having all the facts regarding drugs and alcohol, chances of child being adopted if you all say no etc before thinking about it any further.

Would you get more financial help if you took the baby on? What does your DH think?

You are not being selfish if you say no. You have to think about the children already in your family as well. We are thinking of adopting but whatever we do will have to work for all the family.

What an awful situation with nobody wanting to be involved. 60 is too old for a newborn.

I think they need to be fostered.

I don’t have any experience of SS at this “end”, if that makes sense, but I’ve seen what happens when it comes to older people. And there was a very wise poster on a similar thread a few years ago (where the OP was trying to decide whether to adopt her dead friend’s children) who commented, very simply, that social services don’t care about you, or your children or what’s best for your family. Their sole focus is finding someone to care for the child who’s “on their books” and find a solution to their problem. And once you’ve solved their problem, you’re on your own. And - if experience with the way they deal with elderly people is at all relevant here - I can absolutely believe it.

As a pp said, it’s NOT “you or MIL” - they need to find suitable care for that child. And you are the easiest options in the first instance. Doesn’t mean there isn’t another, maybe better, option out there. Please put your own family first and don’t feel guilted into a situation that isn’t of your making unless you’re sure that’s something you want. Apart from the impact on you and your own kids, it’s not the best thing for this baby either if you’re not 100% in.

Don’t do it. You don’t want to. You’re being pressurised. Think of your own family.

You can of course say no, and you should if you don’t think this is the right thing for the child and your family.

As for your MIL, your husband may well be included in the assessment process and it’s really important that he is honest about his concerns about his mother caring for the baby.

it’ll be tough to get through that as a family but I would be proactively sharing those concerns. She may be very different now but she may not and she is also much older with less patience and energy.

I don’t think it’s ageist to be a bit worried about her age and her ability to care for the child into adulthood.

How’s her health?

In some situations I think it can be better for the child to be adopted especially if there’s any ongoing family issues which could impact them.

If the baby is a newborn with no significant disabilities, they will probably get fostered quickly with a view to move to adoption. So that’s both a good and bad thing; they won’t spend ages in care, but could be moved very far away.
Do you think MiL will if you don’t? Trouble is that you will still be involved and will know how things are going, I think I’d always wonder what if? It will be the hardest, but possibly the most rewarding thing if you do go through with it.

Does your MIL want to do it? An older relative who wants to do it is going to be better for the child than a younger one that doesn't, so if she's happy to do it then maybe let her? That said, I'd hope that if I wasn't around and it was my child in the position of needing kinship care, someone in our family would step up.

Drug and particularly alcohol use during pregnancy is likely to have detrimental affect on child’s development. We have adopted and see this most now they are in teen years. Looks like our kids will need our input long in to adulthood. Also you will have family knowing where you are and potentially destabilising things. Only do this if you are 100% in. Good luck x

Ps social services do not know that this child is best with family AT ALL. This person is NOT an expert.

Speak frankly to SS. They may be prepared to provide respite for you. I grew up with my parents fostering we regularly had children while their normal careers went on holidays or day trips and often these were kinship carers. I’ve babysat for kinship carers while had a budget paid by SS. I don’t know the process personally but I believe you want to get these things agreed before taking the child because once you agree they are hard to get provided but when SS seeking a placement and facing paying for full time foster care placement they likely will find the funding for a decent amount of support to get you to agree.

be frank with them about what’s holding you back and see if there are ways around the challenges.

You will also get childcare funded hours. I believe children in care are exempt from any income caps on the funding should your OH happen to earn well.

if it’s a drug baby then do some research on how that impacts the child. My memories of babies going through detox is horrible they scream in pain the poor things.

ultimately you have to do what’s best for your own children. Personally I’d take the baby if I was able as I couldn’t say no but I have a disabled child myself now and would have to say no because of the impact on my own child. You would be doing nothing wrong saying no.

the other thing to consider is what happens if this family member goes on to have more children? You will be first port of call for future babies. I know one kinship carer who was in such emotional turmoil having cared for 3 children from the family member to then be wracked with guilt having to say can’t do anymore as she’s getting too old and struggling.

@Bambooparty
Hi, what a dilemma for you.
I'm both an adoptive parent and a foster carer who had also been approached to have my sons much younger sibling. So I have a number of perspectives here.

As someone else said, this baby is a problem to be solved for social services. Although support for kinship carers has improved, family are still the simplest, easier and cheapest option.
Generally speaking, remaining within the birth family is better for the child for a whole host of reasons, particularly around the child's sense of identity.
But there are all sorts of factors at play and it's impossible to say for this individual child.
What social services are not concerned about is you and your children.* *
Even if you have the space and finances, was a third child in your plans? Do you really want to go back to the baby stage? Adding another child will inevitably have consequences for your children, some of which may not crop up until a long time in the future.
I don't think it's at all selfish to take these things into account, you have to think about all the children, not just one.
So, your MiL. Do you think she is seriously considering it? A few years ago I was approached about a half sibling of my son. He was about 2 at the time, I was 55 and planning my retirement ! The thought of being financially responsible for another child into my late 60s wasn't appealing, nor was having to deal with the teen years at that age either. And I did believe that he would be better off with a younger family. As hard as it was, I made a decision taking into account my needs, my son's needs and the needs of the child. I said no and he was adopted very quickly.
I'm 60 this year and quite the thought of a new born at this age is frightening.
Can your MiL financially support this child into her 70s? What support will she have with a teenager when she is 75, when she will possibly have health issues. I would really hope she would have the sense to say no.
If your and your DH have genuine and serious concerns about her capacity to care for this child, both now and in the longer term, I think you should speak to social services.
Its also a very valid concern that the mum might have other children and SWs will be thinking about keeping siblings together.

Finally, do not say yes because you feel you should, do not feel pressured by social services or by random people on MN going on about how they would never let a neice or nephew go into the care system.

You and your DH have to make a decision taking into account the needs of multiple people, not just this baby.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Not selfish at all. It will have a massive impact on your own children.

The drug/drunk issue would also scare me. A friend adopted two babies who were removed from their mother due to drug and drink issues. Both of these children had awful problems with drugs in their teens and they are now no contact. It almost broke her, she’s a shadow of herself.

It can be easy to see a cute vulnerable newborn but the reality of bringing them up might be very different to what is envisaged.

I don’t see why the only options are you and MIL.

@FrenchandSaunders

The op is saying that the only options in the birth family are her family and MiL.

If both say no, the baby will be fostered and possibly adopted.

I’m going through this at the minute for my Grandson and it’s hard work ! The assessment is so intrusive into your life and if you have to do contact etc .
I’ve been 90% sure I wanted this throughout it all and our final hearing is looming and I am now 50/50 .

Do I want social workers in my life , I’m in my 40s and have had my life back , been able to go on holidays etc starting the baby years again !!!

I’ve given up my job for this and I absolutely my Grandson from the very bottom of my being . I’ve done more for him than his own parents , I see him 3 times a week but facilitating contact and everything that comes with it just puts me off . I’m only now sort of realising that I painted a nice rosy picture in my head but I don’t think it will be .

Never mind the fact birth Mum isn’t a Mum to him at all so I’m now thinking maybe he’s better off going to a proper family who will adore him as much as I do . But can be a Mum to him coz I’m his Nanny il never be his Mommy . Do I want him pushed from pillow to post seeing his birth parents when they can be bothered .

Honestly it’s taken a good look into my heart to come to this decision coz I want the best for him and I’ve always said that’s with his real family but if I’m honest with myself , it probably isn’t .

I’ve spent months imagining him coming home but there’s always been that tiny piece at the back of my head that’s always questioned am I doing this for the right reasons ? And I’ve always been dead against adoption , never agreed with it but I am starting to wonder now .

I joined the kinship groups on fb and had to delete them coz they ain’t pretty and it’s hard work . You just have to be totally sure you want it . Good Luck x

There is a lot to consider here. Firstly, there is a possibility that this is the first of a few or many babies. Your DH's relative probably isn't going to improve his life choices and probably doesn't use condoms or check that his partner is using contraceptives.

Secondly, babies born addicted are very hard work. They are hard to settle and disturb very easily, so the baby will not sleep well and will probably cry a lot. We adopted DC and both were born with issues and we heard from their foster carers about their early lives and it was hard work. One of our DC has continued to be hard work even now that he's in his 20s. I'm not saying that this child will definitely need massively more parental input than other children, but they might, and that could have an effect on your DC. It sounds like your DC aren't old enough to consent to this addition to the family or to understand the long term ramifications, so it's up to you to consider their best interests as well as that of the baby.

Thirdly, it's my experience from what I know of kinship carers (which is a decade or so ago now) that you won't get much support from social services because they are quite overstretched, but you will have to follow their demands because this is not your child. Things like having to get permission to take the child abroad on holiday, including telling them the dates and locations of everywhere that you intend to stay the night, or they might require you to allow the child to meet with their parents (possibly in a designated contact centre). There is also an outside possibility that the DM or DF will attempt to take back the child or turn up unexpectedly at your door or at their school. You might be forced into dealing with DH's relative when you have been trying to distance yourself. What I have heard from kinship carers is that social services will over promise on support, and then fob you off when you seek support, and will minimise likely future issues.

Sorry, it's a bit bleak.