The lowest of the low

[dorsetdame]

The lowest of the low is how I feel tonight. I wanted to post my own thread in regards to the one that has just been delated.

It was actually a shock to me how so many people seemed to feel about foster carers. They think we "get paid well" - in my area less than £200 allowance for a primary age child and that allowance covers everything, big and small, that they need. No wages, just the allowance. But more than the (lack of) money having been a foster carer for over 30 years and having adopted 5 of them the replies really upset me. We usually care for the most damaged children or those with the most complex of needs and as 3 are still with us in their 20s (no longer in care of course) I hoped we weren't doing too bad a job. But the harsh and unfair criticism of foster carers I read truly makes me feel so bad. Maybe because it is late and I know I have to be up in less than 4 hours for the school run, But I am now wondering as I go through life do most people think this way about foster carers. That we are lazy and uncaring. Are most people thinking I am in it for the money (what money?) and think I am doing a bad job? I usually have broad shoulders but tonight I feel like giving it all up.

I think foster carers are walking angels - yes like everywhere on Earth there are bad eggs that ruin it for others but I genuinely couldn’t be a foster carer I think I couldn’t cope so, it’s not everyone and I’m sure all the kids who have come through your door will always love you and be thankful for you

You do an amazing job.

Hi @dorsetdame

Night Watch here

I’m sorry but I have hidden your threads as they were getting a bit nasty (as you are obviously aware)
MNHQ will no doubt clean them up and reinstate tomorrow (I’ve asked them to do that)

Hope you’re okay

Agree - I saw that thread pop up on active and just knew it was going to go so terribly. I'm sorry OP, and to the OP of the other thread

Totally agree with PP that foster carers are walking angels, grateful to have people like you opening their hearts to children in the worst circumstances

@dorsetdame You have to stay off those threads. People go on just to stir things up because they are despicable human beings. Of course there are bad foster homes - just as there are good ones. You obviously are the latter. 🩷

People don't seem to realise that foster carers have given up jobs to foster. They need some sort of replacement income because they still have mortgages to pay etc, otherwise they will not have a home for them all to live in!

People who post on Mumsnet late at night are definitely not representative of the general population. Some posters get a kick of being nasty. They are trolls, sad little people who you should ignore.

There are also some lovely posters but sometimes, if you are unlucky, a thread gets overrun by the nasty ones.

Their will always be good and bad in every "job"
I know of a about 10 sets of foster carers. One was in it for the money and soon left. One was horrible. One was a new foster carer and struggled horrendously when her first "child" was a 17 year old with complex special needs when she'd said pre school and younger. The rest have been utterly amazing including my sons who I'm still in touch with over a decade later (he was in foster care before we adopted him) .
Unfortunately people who's children have been put into fostercare will always spread hate and lies as will other people who have nothing better to do.
Try not to be tempted to read the threads that you know are going to have negative comments.
You are wonderful ❤️

I am horrified you feel that way, and what on earth would those children do without you?
Honestly I am in awe of all foster carers. I always have been.

My dad was in foster care a lot as a child. It's a truly important job which we as a society need.

But damaged as an adjective to describe a human always makes me wince. Injured. Hurt. Wounded. Fine. But broken and damaged never the right words, I feel.

Hmmm two thoughts on this.

1. Being a foster parent is extremely challenging and it can be hard to deal with biological parents making demands when they can't raise the children themselves.

1. There are some shitty foster parents and they need to be called out as well.

My mom is/was a shit mom. My sister was abused by her foster family. I was abused by my adoptive family.

Foster parents aren't angels. They aren't demons. They are just humans.

And yes, refering to us as damaged isn't really nice.

We aren't objects. We are also human.

Thank you so much for saying this.

There is enough stigma around how damaged and broken we are.

To have foster/adoptive parents refer to kids in care as damaged feels really heartbreaking.

fellow Foster carer( and adoptor ) here and I get it. I have been so upset by some comments on here as well. Genuinely shocked by what I read at times.
Ditto comments about the cost of keeping children with medical needs alive and educating children with special needs. In fact I am sick of the whole narrative being pushed in the media about SEND children bankrupting councils etc etc and I stay off the assisted dying debates because you get people saying these children shouldn't have the money spent to keep them alive as they have no quality of life in the first place.

My children fall into that category and it makes my blood boil to see the ignorance and lack.of compassion.
So in a nutshell ...keep going and ignore as much as you can . Your children are lucky to have you x

I didn't see the thread OP and I'm sorry it's upset you.

I don't know anything about the payment foster carers receive, other than the multiple adverts that I regularly see popping up which suggests that you get £400+ for a child. I don't know why you only receive £200, but if other people have seen the same adverts as me, that would explain why they think you receive a lot more. Example attached.

Historically, I've had professional contact with foster carers. Unfortunately, not all of them fostered children for altruistic reasons, and not all of them provided a loving home. Like all walks of life, there are good, bad, and mediocre foster carers. I think it's wrong, and potentially dangerous to automatically label every foster carer as an "angel".

I have to say though, damaged children? Yikes. That's not the nicest phrase to use about an actual person.

I don't know you, but ignoring the reference to damaged children, you sound like a good person. I think the fact you've adopted five of your children and three are still with you in their 20s speaks volumes.

So please don't take criticism to heart. It's always the case of a few bad apples spoiling the barrel and when you're offering people payment in return for housing children, it may well attract the people who have the wrong motives - and when there's a dire shortage of foster carers, perhaps those doing the vetting aren't as choosy as they might perhaps prefer.

Some criticisms of foster carers are valid, unfortunately. That doesn't mean there aren't plenty of others out there doing an amazing job.

My son was in foster care as a baby as i had a nervous breakdown.

My sons foster carer did an amazing job and I adore her. She told me she couldn't have loved him more if he was her own, and it showed.

Thanks to her, when i got better i got my son back with no emotional (or otherwise) damage, and she set the thing up so when i got him back he was in a beautiful routine and happy. I followed her routine until me and my son grew into our own. I couldn't have done that alone.

We just spent Christmas day with her family (i don't have family or friends), see each other regularly, message often and i send her regular vids and pics of the mischief he causes haha.

She is not well paid. In fact i often pass her my sons outgrown clothes to save her costs.

But she is now a good friend, support, and most important - she is godmother to my son, who is now snoring next to me haha. That took a lot of trust my end, to christen him with her as stand in parent should anything happen to me. But i had no doubt i picked the perfect person, it wasnt even in question.

So from the other side, thank you for taking care of our babies when we cant ❤️

To add - no emotional or otherwise damage to my son. Me on the other hand, i will never get over my baby being taken from me and all that followed. But she made it so much easier knowing he was safe cared for and truly loved

@dorsetdame Foster carers are human. Some are wonderful people and some not. There are always different motives as to why become one: some wants to help like you while some thinks it's easy money (where they don't spend the allowance on the child but take it for themselves). If you are a good foster carer you are a godsend to the children and the family (if they recognise their mistakes and value you) and also to society. Hurt people hurt others so if you lessen that hurt and give love they will have love to give as well. You shouldn't take to heart what some people are saying : they are angry SS intervened and they try to make foster parents the scape goat for their inadequate parenting (which can be due to anything from mental illness to plain stupidity and cruelty).
Thank you for existing and making this world a better place!💐

It's lovely that you could recognise this and create a relationship to the foster parent. They, you and your child is blessed.

We are. Very much so. All professionals involved said that they'd never seen this type of relationship evolve so well which I think is sad. Why would i be angry or resentful of her? There were times i felt motherly envy which is natural but i kept that to myself, rightly so.

We went through hell. She made it less hell and now were through the other side and i have full pr now, and social services will no longer be involved after may (they are beginning to drop down services and visits now to see how we manage) we are truly blessed now.

I always say my son can't have too much love. She and her biological sons adore him. I cant ask for more.

I admire Foster carers

I think this is a bit of an odd take. There were some people with silly ideas about people making their fortune from foster care work but the majority of bad comments were directed at the OP and were very harsh and likely to have caused real suffering.

Thank you everyone for your kind words which I do not deserve. I just treat and love any child who walks through our door as I do my own children.

I am so very sorry to have offended so many people with my use of the word damaged. What I was trying very badly to express was that these amazing little human beings have had such harm caused to them by other people which has caused a scar, and is not an inbuilt character flaw, or special needs or disability (although I care for those with disabilities frequently and have adopted three of them). What I meant was they have had such harm caused to them and it is my job to love them, help them and hope they can at least partly heal. But I am obviously in the wrong is using that word, so could somebody please tell me the word I need to use instead so I do not offend anyone in future? I ask this sincerely. Thank you.

ps it is a word that the current social workers use too, so I thought it was acceptable. But I have now learnt it is not appropriate and thank you for teaching me that.

I am so sorry for my use of that word. I will not use it again and did not realise it was unacceptable. I hope you will accept my apology and know I feel quite ashamed of myself and honestly meant no disrespect.

And yes, refering to us as damaged isn't really nice.

I am so very, very sorry and can only apologise for my ignorance. It is a word our current social workers use and I had no idea it was so offensive. But I understand now and will not use it again. Though I do not know what word to use instead.

I gave a list of suggestions in my post. Your children may be wounded or injured or neglected or traumatized.