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Fostering

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Original poster

How to handle stealing

30 replies

Madwife123 · 12/05/2023 23:34

We are kinship carers fostering my niece and nephew.

We have noticed over the last few months money going missing. At first small amounts but recently my daughters birthday money and my adult sons money. We began to suspect this was being taken.

We were then informed that nephew, age 13, had been caught buying vapes in school and when his bag was checked he had a large sum of money on him, over £100. When questioned he admits stealing it. He has gone into bedrooms where he is not allowed to enter and searched to find this money. His response was he can do what he wants and we can’t stop him etc.

He is right. We don’t know how we can stop this. My daughter (10) is devastated to learn her cousin has been stealing from her and it’s really affected the household.

I understand this is related to his past and the trauma he has experienced but equally he needs to learn to stop. It’s impossible to watch him at all times as we both work and as we have discovered moving money into areas he isn’t supposed to access doesn’t work either.

Any advice?

OP posts:

AlienSupaStar · 12/05/2023 23:38

This sounds really hard.
My suggestion is to put all money in a lockbox that has a code.
I am sorry if that is useless advice.

snitzelvoncrumb · 12/05/2023 23:42

Is there a social worker that can advise you? It’s tricky as you need to set boundaries, but as you said it could be trauma related. Does he go to counselling? Could it be addressed there? I would talk to him about it, and hand out consequence’s but not go over the top. I would definitely discreetly put a safe in to lock away cash any any small variables.

BreakfastGold · 13/05/2023 09:58

That's very hard, but probably trauma related as you say. At his age it can also be about buying friendship /looking cool with peers which is hard to tackle at home.
In practical terms:
Change your arrangements for money in the home - can you go cash free? Plenty of families don't keep cash in the home any more.
Does he have a bank account /allowance? Perhaps a set up that gives clearer boundaries and responsibility would suit him.
But it's you need professional help to get to the root cause.
Keep a close eye out for signs he is being criminally exploited or getting into gangs. He is an absolute prime target sadly.

Fiddlerdragon · 13/05/2023 10:07

Keep a locked safe so he can’t steal anymore. I’d also be giving him chores to earn and pay back the money he’s already spent

Original poster

Madwife123 · 13/05/2023 10:25

He goes to counselling and had recently been discharged as “made excellent progress”.

It’s going to have to be an enormous safe! He has stolen perfumes, jewellery, a watch, phone chargers.

He has his own HyperJar account and pocket money. He can also earn extra if he wants. There is around £60 in that account that he hasn’t used yet. This isn’t because he needs / wants more money.

I am going to speak to social care on Monday. Will they pay back what he has taken? My daughter’s birthday money has been taken and I can’t afford to give it her back without borrowing money as we are barely making ends meet right now and seriously considering having to sell the house due to this.

My partner left a good job to take these children on. We have been scrimping by ever since and my own child has given up so much but we wanted to help them. As kinship carers we are treated like the bottom of the barrel. Limited support, almost no training and less allowance. I worry this is the final straw now.

OP posts:

wildfirewonder · 13/05/2023 10:35

Hi, I experienced this in our house as a child (so in the position of your children, my stuff was taken).

You need to lock away all valuables. We had door locks.

It could be related to anger, completely understandable as your children have a secure home/family and he doesn't. Money is complicated and often a proxy.

Try to get more counselling. Do you talk to him about his feelings?

He may be testing boundaries, to see if you kick him out. He may feel pretty unwanted.

I would be helping my kids to process their upset in response. It is hard when it happens but also the loss of money is not as bad as whatever has led to him living with you, presumably.

BCCGoAway · 13/05/2023 10:36

You won’t recover the money he has stolen, sorry.

I would go cashless for your DCs pocket money and yourselves.
I would get a locking safe as well.
I would get him back into counselling.

wildfirewonder · 13/05/2023 10:36

If you approach SS calmly and say you need support in order to prevent the arrangement breaking down they may help you as the cost if it does will be high.

BreakfastGold · 13/05/2023 10:42

Go back to social care and tell them you're struggling - don't sugar coat, make it clear things could break down. It'll cost them a lot more to bring him into care which is in your favour.

It's really hard and you've sacrificed a lot for little reward but I agree he may be testing you, possibly particularly in this way because he knows it's where it will hurt you the most. Try to hang on because another rejection for him at this age could be really hard for him and the care system is awful especially for teenagers. You're in the trenches now but it won't be forever.

bellac11 · 13/05/2023 10:44

If you are fostering him (actual approved foster carers) then you will have a fostering social worker and the child (if in care) will have a child in care social worker

Has there been a recent review, PPM or placement arrangements meeting? What about the safe care plan is that up to date?

There needs to be a network discussion under whatever mechanism to determine what support is needed to manage that behaviour, The best way to manage situations like this is for the adults to employ various strategies, training and interventions rather than things be directed at the child, you treat the child via your parenting.

If you care for him outside of fostering, what is his status, CHIN?

TomWambsgansSwans · 13/05/2023 10:50

@Madwife123 I have some experience of growing up with this except I was the one stolen from. Even as a young kid post-adoption he would steal food from the kitchen so it wasn't about just money, it was resources. I remember one birthday party where he ate an entire packet of 50 cocktail sausages on the table and he couldn't have been more than about 6 then.

First things first, speak to your social worker and ask for more support. On Monday make an appointment with school to talk through next steps.

Then when one of you is calm enough to talk to him properly, have a conversation away from the rest of the household and see if you can work out some next steps. Obviously the content of his HyperJar needs to go to repay your child for stealing her birthday money. Locks on the doors, including on the insides so your own children can have privacy in their own home, and don't have any money in the house.

The person who used to steal from me never really learned proper ownership boundaries (possibly down to adoption/trauma, but his sister managed to live her own life without stealing anything not pinned down). He ended up burgling a neighbour who called the police on him which is when it got serious.

I think social services can/should provide more support for you all - including him - as they will want to prevent the fostering relationship breaking down. It's really not easy.

Original poster

Madwife123 · 13/05/2023 10:56

@bellac11 We are kinship carers. He is on a full care order.

@BCCGoAway It’s impossible for us to go cashless, we live in a rural area where a lot of places only take cash. My daughters money that was stolen was birthday money given to her in her cards so outside of my control.

@TomWambsgansSwans I will be speaking to his social worker on Monday. If they can’t offer more support this is going to breakdown. We feel awful even thinking about it but ultimately my child has to be my priority.

OP posts:

Napmum · 13/05/2023 11:11

I'd say to him, "That's right, we can not stop you breaking our trust, but that this will mean that we treat you differently." Put in more rules and boundaries. Check out what he says when you can. Get him to check in more, search his bag. Tell him he needs to earn back the trust.

Send him back to counselling as this behaviour is not about money it's fulfilling an emotional need. He's lashing out at the people who ate showing consistency and that they care. This can be scary for traumatised kids. They lash out and push you because of it.

I'm not sure if social care will pay back the money he stole, but your can try pointing out that your lower allowance means you can't cover the costs of this. Definitely say how it is causing a relationship to start to break down and ask for advice and support.

SkyLarkDescending · 13/05/2023 11:22

If you have to use cash because of living rurally, you need to restrict his access to it. I think you should get a lockable safe for the cash. If DC get given cash as gifts etc lock it in there until it can be paid into the bank.

Stealing the other objects may take more time. Get him back into counselling and push for support from the social workers.

Mama1980 · 13/05/2023 11:29

I had care of my eldest under a SGO - had some similar sounding issues initially. Happy for you to pm me if you'd like to chat.

Godlovesall26 · 14/05/2023 17:53

Can you put locks on your bedroom doors as an initial measure while you try to sort out the deeper issue ? Keep as many valuables inside ?

If he’s stolen so much do you have any idea where all that money has gone to (aside the vapers?)

firsttimemum1230 · 14/05/2023 17:59

I don’t know how you’re coping but maybe in the future take the money rrom the kids and put it straight in the bank. He does need punishing for it. Just because of his trauma doesn’t mean he shouldn’t and doesn’t need to understand the right thing

Namechange224422 · 14/05/2023 18:03

You’ve had some good advice here about how to tackle things with your nephew.

With your daughter I would make a day to go into town just the two of you and open a proper bank account for her. Make it a nice day out, a right of passage for her.

I’d explain that what he did wasn’t right but give her a broad explanation about trauma behaviour. Explain he will be giving her the £60 towards what he stole and that you will make up the rest when you can afford it.

Make sure that the card doesn’t work contactless and that she doesn’t share the pin with her cousin. Ask family to put Xmas or birthday money into her bank account.

Throwncrumbs · 14/05/2023 18:25

Your partner gave up a good job to support this nephew, you are considering selling your home because you are struggling…sorry you need to put your child first. Her needs trump a child you have taken into your home who steals and doesn’t care. Whatever his problems are it doesn’t mean that your daughter has to suffer because of it!

Godlovesall26 · 14/05/2023 19:44

I’d be really worried about where on earth all that money is. If he’s been making profits from it he can return them (to your DD etc) I would suggest that as a way to try to know.
More worried about that for now than his attitude, who knows what he’s hopefully not got himself involved in

Godlovesall26 · 14/05/2023 19:51

How old is your niece ? She may know more but have been convinced not to tell you ?

Jellyx · 14/05/2023 19:57

Madwife123 · 13/05/2023 10:25

He goes to counselling and had recently been discharged as “made excellent progress”.

It’s going to have to be an enormous safe! He has stolen perfumes, jewellery, a watch, phone chargers.

He has his own HyperJar account and pocket money. He can also earn extra if he wants. There is around £60 in that account that he hasn’t used yet. This isn’t because he needs / wants more money.

No they won't pay back what he has taken.
You said he has £60 in his own account / he can pay back all of that and earn more money to pay any other debt.
He can also sell his own belongings.

How else will he learn. If he's traumatised it's even more important to put in boundaries! Stop permitting him to do this without consequence.

AmyandPhilipfan · 24/07/2023 21:16

How are things now OP? Is your nephew still with you.

Our long term foster son stole some money off us a couple of weeks ago. I found it quite heartbreaking as he's been with us 9 years. I did tell him how disappointed I was that I think of him as my son and yet he disrespects us by stealing from us. We're taking it back from his pocket money over the next few weeks and he had all his electronics confiscated for a couple of weeks. He also knows that now if I feel I need to check his bag or coat I will just do it, and that I'm disappointed that I feel I have to do that.

f0stercarer · 25/07/2023 08:42

Kinship carers need to stand up and demand financial support equivalent to foster carers. The going rate depending on age is £50-£65 per day. If you end the placement the LA will have to try and find a foster carer. In current circumstances where there is such a shortage this will probably involve commissioning an agency which will cost them a huge amount of money so paying you a decent allowance will still be a far cheaper option.

Jellyx · 25/07/2023 08:57

No - they won't pay back what is taken.
Put in normal boundaries for stealing. I.e he loses his £60 he has saved due to theft.

He should build up his confidence via doing other things

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