Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Fostering

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on fostering.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Birth mum buying gifts

39 replies

Louphi86 · 22/09/2021 19:04

Hi
We are kinship fostering and birth mum is insisting on buying gifts! I am uncomfortable accepting any gifts and if I did would result in an argument with my partner as he refers to them as guilt gifts. The child is 5 months old so does not understand gifts. I have repeatedly asked birth mum not to buy gifts. I have asked for advice from SW but no response. Does anyone have any advice. Birth mum is my sister.

OP posts:

October2020 · 22/09/2021 19:08

I don't have any experience with this but I did work with children in vaguely similar situations. Could you, perhaps, accept the gift and say something like 'we'll put it away for a gift giving time, like christmas'? Or if you wanted to be braver, you could refuse to accept and say 'keep it and give it to us at christmas, when we all give gifts as a family'.

Evesgarden · 22/09/2021 19:10

You have to accept them OP. They are gifts for the baby not you. In many years down the line how are you going to explain that the mother tried and you refused them to the child.

The SW are probably keeping very quiet about it as its a very tricky situation.

They probably are guilt gifts, but that baby isn't yours. You are being the caregiver and making sure the baby is looked after - not to deny contact or presents.

Maybe you should look at attending some fostering courses.

girlmom21 · 22/09/2021 19:24

You're fostering the baby. Your focus should be the baby and not your sister or the gifts. It's not your responsibility to stop her buying gifts. She probably does feel guilty but ultimately it's her child and, for whatever reason, she isn't allowed to care for them.
If you're having contact with her i would assume there's a possibility of her getting baby back eventually and it can only be a good thing for her to feel like she has some kind of a connection.

lifehappened · 22/09/2021 19:26

I got gifts from my BM that my Mum saved for me. I would have been really pissed off if I ever found out she sent gifts back or didn't give to me.

Pinkchocolate · 22/09/2021 19:35

You don’t mention having any issue with the gifts apart from your partners reaction, that’s sad. Whatever your and your partners relationship with your sister remember to keep the focus on the child, accept the gifts gracefully.

hollyhocksarenotmessy · 22/09/2021 19:39

Where's the harm in it? This is still her baby, whatever the reason for fostering, she's probably heartbroken not to able to have her baby. Guilt gifts? Well, maybe kinder to see them as over-compensating.

Unless she has been banned from any form of contact by a court, this is a small thing. Or unless she keeps turning up with 7' teddies you don't have room for.

You could suggest that a good way to show she cares is set up a savings account for baby and put money in as a gift instead?

Pebbledashery · 22/09/2021 19:46

I think you should put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel? Would you not do anything to show you cared. Whatever the circumstances that have led to fostering, she is still the baby's mother.. The baby hasn't been formally adopted and severed all ties with the person who bought them into the world. It's horrible to call them guilt gifts, she's probably torn apart.
How will you explain that his mum tried and you shut the door in her face? It's no disservice to you to just accept the gifts and store them up. The gifts are for her baby, not you.

Original poster

Louphi86 · 22/09/2021 19:48

Thank you for the mostly helpful comments. I should of been more specific. The gifts are mainly clothing. That is why my partner finds it frustrating. As I said the baby does not understand. The situation is an extremely difficult one for all parties involved. I will try the Christmas suggestion. I would never deny gifts that could be put away for the baby.

OP posts:

October2020 · 22/09/2021 19:49

The savings account suggestion is absolutely brilliant.

Original poster

Louphi86 · 22/09/2021 19:50

I am going to suggest the saving account. It’s a very good idea.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 22/09/2021 19:54

I don't understand why clothing is frustrating. Kids need clothes.

Ontheroadtorecovery · 22/09/2021 20:00

Kids need clothes why is it awkward. It's a good thing she is providing for her child in that way despite not being able to care for child herself

Ted27 · 22/09/2021 20:11

Hi I'm an adoptive mum, my son is supposed to have contact with his birth dad, who showers presents on his other children and can't be bothered to send my son so much as a birthday card. It has caused my son a lot of grief.
What are the exact arrangements, does your sister have a contact agreement? will the child grow up calling you mum or auntie Louphi?
She may well feel very guilty, she has lost her child, and all she can do is buy her gifts.
Have you told other people not to buy the baby gifts because they don't understand what they are.
If your sister is going over the top of masses of stuff try compromising with her. Tell her the baby has everything they need right now but maybe get them x for Christmas or buy clothes instead
kinship adoption is very tough, there will be lots of decisions like this. But if your sister still has a presence in your family, she has a presence in the baby's life, not allowing gifts will be difficult to sustain and the baby may well resent you for doing so

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 22/09/2021 20:14

The baby is fostered, she is baby’s mum. She is not ‘birth mum’ as she is the only mum. Baby hasn’t been adopted.

She has every right to buy clothes for her child and baby has every right to receive them.

You don’t sound very committed to promoting the baby’s relationship with mum.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 22/09/2021 20:17

You have to accept them, and for the baby’s sake it will be a good idea to take photos of them wearing the clothes for when they are older. Imagine growing up and being told oh yes BM bought you clothes but we binned them / no photos of them / didn’t care enough about your potential future relationship. I know that sounds a bit harsh, but that’s a realistic potential thought pattern the baby will go through when older. How much more gracious to say, oh look here is a photo of you in the jumper BM bought you.

RandomMess · 22/09/2021 20:17

Put baby in clothes take photos make a note they were chosen and bought by Mum.

User5827372728 · 22/09/2021 20:17

I would be thankful babies mum is wanting to provide clothes for baby and be a part of their life.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 22/09/2021 20:18

I also want to add, I think people who are foster parents are the angels who walk the earth, it’s a tough job so to you.

Poptart1986 · 22/09/2021 20:19

Thank you all for your comments. This has given me some things to think about going forward.

Alieninmybody · 22/09/2021 20:20

She's a mum buying clothes for her baby, why are you not comfortable with this?

TheWatersofMarch · 22/09/2021 20:20

I don't understand why you don't want the baby to wear the clothes her Mum buys. You are doing a great thing fostering your niece by the way, keeping her within the family.

Shellfishblastard · 22/09/2021 20:27

They may very well be guilt gifts. Obviously we don’t know the circumstances but in cases like this, gifts are sometimes all a parent can offer. The gifts will mean a lot to her, regardless of what your feelings are towards her.

Kinship is complex. So many mixed emotions. Often lots of anger and resentment. Try not to let this cloud your judgement over something so trivial.

That said, if the clothes are going to waste then there is no harm in suggesting something else.

PurpleDaisies · 22/09/2021 20:27

How on board is your partner with this fostering arrangement? There seems to be tension where there doesn’t necessarily need to be any.

Shellfishblastard · 22/09/2021 20:28

Just to add - there are times when it isn’t appropriate to share gifts with children. Older children not having contact where the gifts might be inappropriate, or cause additional distress.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 22/09/2021 20:28

She is baby’s mum. Legally, biologically, in every way. Whatever the future for baby, that relationship is going to be formative for her. You need to promote that and build on any positive. Damaging the relationship with mum can only be detrimental to the baby. And those clothes are going to be so important in showing baby that she was thought of, loved and wanted even though her mum wasn’t able to care for her as a baby.

Flip

1 2