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Fostering

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Original poster

Birth mum buying gifts

39 replies

Louphi86 · 22/09/2021 19:04

Hi
We are kinship fostering and birth mum is insisting on buying gifts! I am uncomfortable accepting any gifts and if I did would result in an argument with my partner as he refers to them as guilt gifts. The child is 5 months old so does not understand gifts. I have repeatedly asked birth mum not to buy gifts. I have asked for advice from SW but no response. Does anyone have any advice. Birth mum is my sister.

OP posts:

MushMonster · 22/09/2021 20:33

She is the Mum, not BM.
If she is seeing the baby, and family is fostering, I am assuning adoption has not been considered, so the target is to get them back together?
Just tell her if she is getting too much. Say baby got too many for now, so take a rest/ buy bigger sizes, later at Christmas, savings...
I think this particular point is not even an issue. Not sure if there are other issues between you.
Best luck, with baby and sister. Wishing you all a happy outcome

ButterflyAway · 22/09/2021 22:55

What’s the issue with a number buying her baby clothing? Why is that frustrating? The baby isn’t yours, it’s not your partners, the baby has every right to have clothing bought for them by their mum.

Lasttimeneveragain · 22/09/2021 23:01

Is she allowed contact with the child? If so, it's not an issue.

No matter how hard/difficult/bad the situation, your relative is a mother who has had her young baby taken away from her. That is emotionally hard and she probably feels a million times worse because the world is telling her it's her fault. Have some compassion.

cloudacious · 22/09/2021 23:16

She's not birth mum. She's mum.

You better get used to it. You haven't adopted this child and you simply cannot control her mother. It's pointless to try.

cloudacious · 22/09/2021 23:23

Why shouldn't she buy clothes for her child? It's the only bit of mothering she's able to do at the moment, for whatever reason. Why would you take it away from her and suggest a savings account.

These gifts may be treasured one day as evidence that she was loved enough to have something chosen for her. That means a lot.

We have had mums buying clothes that were not what we would have chosen. They do need to vaguely fit with the rest of the foster family so no we did not put the t shirt with the suggestive comment on. We stored it without saying anything. That's all you have to do.

If your partner is going to make his irritation a key player in this, your niece has her chances of a stable placement harmed from the outset. Keep the peace. They're clothes not hypodermic needles.

Ted27 · 23/09/2021 02:07

There are some harsh replies here. The op is well aware who the mother is.

The fact remains that for reasons which we don't know, the mother is not considered fit to keep this child.
The op has stepped up to keep the child in the family. That's not an easy thing to do, kinship placements can often cause great difficulty in families. The op will have to deal with this. That includes setting appropriate boundaries. And it will be a learning curve for everyone, the OP and her sister

MorriseysGladioli · 23/09/2021 02:24

Being unable to bring up your child, temporarily, I presume, shouldn't mean not being able to buy them a present!

Surpriseat42 · 23/09/2021 03:09

OP you sound a special person and all the more so taking these replies on board in an open way which I admire too. I agree with them, and if I wasn’t able to be with my child I would have the same need to love them in whatever way I could express it. I would actively welcome this as it’s not threatening in terms of contact and if she’s able to receive photos it might make a difference to her to have done something nice for her child.
It must be a complex situation though if your partner is reacting like this, and I do appreciate that as you know the circumstances and we don’t .

CombatBarbie · 23/09/2021 04:19

@cloudacious

She's not birth mum. She's mum.

You better get used to it. You haven't adopted this child and you simply cannot control her mother. It's pointless to try.

Our SWs and support workers and documents refer to mum as birth mum in fostering.

Thought it was only step mum's that weren't allowed to use the term......

lannistunut · 23/09/2021 04:23

Of course the mum is buying things, use the clothes.

cloudacious · 23/09/2021 09:52

barbie

I don't care how your SW describes it. The child's mum is the OP's sister and may well be returning to her. Unless she's on a path to adoption the OP will be talking to the child about her sister as mum. She would do well to give her that title and place without a fight, as hard as it is.

lannistunut · 23/09/2021 10:10

Birth mum should not be a contentious term imo, it is not a term you use to the child or in general chat at home but is commonly used to be clear.

FleasInMyKnees · 23/09/2021 10:32

Why does your partner object to mum buying her baby clothes.

gospelsinger · 23/09/2021 12:45

Im not kinship, I'm foster carer, but Parents do give a lot of gifts including clothes. It is more than we would like. Sometimes gifts are things FD is a bit too old for, sometimes they are things they've picked up 2nd hand and are actually a bit broken, sometimes they are brilliant and FD loves them and they give her a sense of connection with her family. I treat them as I would anything else. They are used and then passed on to a younger child in due course. If anything seems particularly special, FD may keep in memory box.
I'd recommend a mixture of sucking it up and accepting the gifts and also encouraging mum to do a bit less of it as you don't have the space for so much.

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