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Fostering

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on fostering.

Original poster

Fostering a relative’s child

37 replies

Countthosestitches · 09/08/2021 07:38

I have recently found out that a relatives child has been taken into care. He is a similar age to my own DC and has previously spent time with them at a family members house, but we haven’t been in touch recently, mainly due to covid but also because his parents and grandmother have all be struggling to look after him and didn’t respond to messages from me when I offered help and support.

I’d like to look into fostering him myself but don’t have any experience of this. Would his family have had to have recommended me? I’m not actually a foster carer but would happily look into becoming one for my family member.

Thank you.

OP posts:
CraftyGin · 11/08/2021 10:32

Placing the child with extended family is often ideal. Contact Social Care and tell them that you are interested in becoming a kinship carer.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 11/08/2021 10:36

Be very, very clear that you wish to be considered as a foster (connected/family and friend) carer and NOT a private arrangement. The former comes with practical and usually financial support. The latter comes with bugger all.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 11/08/2021 10:37

The best thing would be for the parents/carers to suggest you as a possible carer. Social services should be identifying a the possible places the child could go but if parents don’t mention you they may not be aware you’re an option.

SewVeryLazy · 11/08/2021 11:00

You can absolutely contact the local authority and tell them you'd like to be considered. If the child is already in foster care then they are unlikely to move them to you until after assessment are complete, but they would much rather you appear now than when care proceedings are almost concluded. Generally speaking the aim is for children to not end up in foster care for their whole lives, as this doesn't provide the same level of security to the child as arrangements where their carer has parental responsibility, so they are likely to ask you to consider becoming a special guardian. If you Google kinship care there will be lots of information on websites about how it all works. Definitely get in touch though, as it is always better for children to be placed within their family if there are suitable carers available

notacooldad · 11/08/2021 11:25

I really don't want to sound negative because fostering can be a great expierence for some people. It can also be awful and many young people that I work with come to the service I work for because placements ( especially family ones) break down. We have had children brought to us by the police in the middle of the night because placements have broken down

Just rhetorical questions but things to think about are why the child needs fostering. How will it impact your child? Is it going to be a long term arrangement. Do the parents accept that fostering is the right thing to do.
You don't say how old your child is but will the child have been raised in a similar way with the same boundaries. If not that can cause friction a, with the child that has never had boundaries and b your own child who may think their family member gets preferential treatment.

Another thing to consider is how the parents would feel. Sometimes they are really open to it but I have seen cases where they are resentful that you 'have their child'.

I'm not suggesting any of these things will happen and I'm not wanting to be condensending or anything but it is a huge thing to do if it is going to be a long term thing and it is things that I have encounted over the years.

There are of course some brilliant success stories as well. I just want you to go into this with your eyes wide open.

I wanted to foster my nephew many years ago but DH said no and in reflection he was right. However my nephew was early teens and had been arrested many times, had been free to come and go as he pleased and there was no way he would have respected our rules. DS who was 2 years younger would have been influenced by him. It would have been very complicated.

LIZS · 11/08/2021 11:30

Do you understand why the child is on care? Are there boundaries which need establishing with the parents and would you be able to reinforce this. The sw may have already explored family fostering but felt it inappropriate.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/08/2021 11:39

You need to think long and hard about how this child may impact your own children. Do you even have any information as to why he's been placed into care? It's nice that you want to help, but there may be some very serious behavioural issues involved.

drspouse · 11/08/2021 11:46

if parents don’t mention you they may not be aware you’re an option.

Parents may have some irrational (or even rational) reason why they don't want family carers, even though it's best for the child. For example they may think you think you're "better than them", may resent the idea that you would be considered OK when they wouldn't etc. This doesn't mean you can't be a kinship carer, just something to be aware of.

The SWs will also want to be sure that you know why the parents/grandparents can't care for the child now. If there is a relative that really can't see the child at all (e.g. abusive partner of mother) they may not be considering the grandparents because the grandparents think this is all fine and such a fuss over nothing and of course the child can sleep over with mum. So you need to be on board with the reasons for removal (and not talk to the child or the other family members about this being unjust/unfair/something you think should be done with). Not saying you should but you need to be aware.

Original poster
Countthosestitches · 11/08/2021 12:03

Wow thanks for all of the replies. My parents fostered for a few years (I was already an adult and not living at home) and I know some of the pitfalls after they had two completely inappropriate placements.

I don’t know the exact reasons that the child has been taken into care but I do know that my sister who is the grandmother has been caring for the child but she has mental health problems and hasn’t found it easy. I’m unsure of the reasons around the child’s mother not looking after her child but I know that she wasn’t taking the child to school. There will be other things going on but I am not close to any of these people.

I’ve tried approaching my sister but she isn’t being receptive and I’m wondering whether I should just leave things alone if I’m not ‘wanted’? Would it be ok to phone social care myself and explain that I’d like to be considered but then if it is something the family don’t want (I’m not sure why) then I can back off.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 11/08/2021 12:57

I’ve tried approaching my sister but she isn’t being receptive and I’m wondering whether I should just leave things alone if I’m not ‘wanted’? Would it be ok to phone social care myself and explain that I’d like to be considered but then if it is something the family don’t want (I’m not sure why) then I can back off.

I can't offer advice as it is such a huge issue and a massive commitment. However in your shoes I would be backing off. Your sister isn't giving you information for a reason.
I know you said your parents have done some fostering but some of the foster careers that we talk to have said how the role has changed so much in recent years with seemingly constant training and meetings to attend. Have you got the time for them? Have you got the bedroom space for a child? There is so much to consider.

drspouse · 11/08/2021 13:25

some of the foster careers that we talk to have said how the role has changed so much in recent years with seemingly constant training and meetings to attend.
I don't think this applies to kinship carers.
If your sister is not telling you what's happening this doesn't preclude you being a good option for care for the child. She may be unwilling to admit she can't cope, so doesn't want to talk about it.

Original poster
Countthosestitches · 11/08/2021 13:30

We do have the bedroom space and generally have the space/time/support network/money. The upbringing of my nephew is different to my own two in terms of boundaries. He is 6. I'll see if my sister gets back to me. She can be terrible with communication, very much down to her MH issues. I just think it would be a shame not to explore the possibility of him staying here rather than being with strangers.

OP posts:
dressupinyou · 11/08/2021 13:36

Your family not contacting you or putting your forward does not mean you aren't an option. They could have all sorts of reasons why they haven't done this.

If you are really interested and are prepared for a 16 week intensive assessment period which is detailed and intrusive then go for it.
If your initial assessment is positive, they may do a special guardianship assessment at the same time.

You do need to be prepared to do training, monthly visits from your social worker and the child's.
There'll be a fair amount of meetings-reviews, health and education.

You'd be supported through all that though.

dressupinyou · 11/08/2021 13:37

Forgot to say, do contact social care. They might not even know about you to ask.

crasscloud · 11/08/2021 13:42

I was a kinship carer. We were suggested by someone closer to the child. We had a two hour chat with the social worker, filled out some forms and had the child with us a few days later. There was no assessment whatsoever.

A social worker called once a week to speak to the child.

dressupinyou · 11/08/2021 14:01

@crasscloud

I was a kinship carer. We were suggested by someone closer to the child. We had a two hour chat with the social worker, filled out some forms and had the child with us a few days later. There was no assessment whatsoever.

A social worker called once a week to speak to the child.

That obviously wasn't fostering or an SGO then. This probably would have to be, and rightly so. That brings more support both financial, practical and emotional for the child and carer.
drspouse · 11/08/2021 14:05

Kinship care is different. I don't think SGO will be the plan immediately if they don't know you exist!

dressupinyou · 11/08/2021 17:11

@drspouse

Kinship care is different. I don't think SGO will be the plan immediately if they don't know you exist!
Yes, I was wanted to make it clear that what was described by the PP isn't really what the OP could expect if they put themselves forward.
CraftyGin · 11/08/2021 18:59

My understanding is that the difference between kinship care and special guardianship is in who holds parental care.

Kinship carers are foster carers, and parental responsibility is held by the local authority and the parent (usually).

In a SGO, the special guardian holds parental responsibility, so much more permanent without going as far as adoption.

The OP’s scenario suggests that kinship caring is more appropriate.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 11/08/2021 19:02

@GingerAndTheBiscuits

Be very, very clear that you wish to be considered as a foster (connected/family and friend) carer and NOT a private arrangement. The former comes with practical and usually financial support. The latter comes with bugger all.
If the child has been removed by the courts they wouldn't be allowed to place him with OP on a private arrangement. That would be an unregulated/unlawful placement. Private arrangements can happen without input from social services but if they are involved in the planning they must take responsibility for assessing and supporting the carers.
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 11/08/2021 19:04

Even connected persons carers need to be assessed and regulated.

Saidtoomuch · 11/08/2021 19:15

I would say at least try.
A friend of mine was in and out of care as a child due to her dm's mental health issues. Her mother would be sectioned and the friend and her sibling would be sent to another care home. She was abused in care and never recovered mentally. She is very bitter about the fact that she has a large extended family, aunts etc, and whilst they are forever saying on on social media they support her, not one stepped in when she needed them to as a child.

dressupinyou · 11/08/2021 20:50

@CraftyGin

My understanding is that the difference between kinship care and special guardianship is in who holds parental care.

Kinship carers are foster carers, and parental responsibility is held by the local authority and the parent (usually).

In a SGO, the special guardian holds parental responsibility, so much more permanent without going as far as adoption.

The OP’s scenario suggests that kinship caring is more appropriate.

There would still be a full SGO assessment and possibly a fostering assessment at the same time.
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 11/08/2021 21:03

There would still be a full SGO assessment and possibly a fostering assessment at the same time.

There wouldn't be both. The SGO assessment is a fostering assessment for connected carers.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 11/08/2021 23:26

The problem is that different authorities use different language to mean the same thing. Connected carers, friend and family carers, kinship carers. So if OP does want to get involved it’s very important she gets absolute clarity about what she is being asked to do, what support (practical and financial) there will be and what her legal status would be in relation to the child.

If the child has been accommodated voluntarily (section 20) then councils can and do wriggle out of their responsibilities by placing with family/friends and then trying to label it a family arrangement. But yes, if court involved then much more likely to be handled formally.