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Fostering

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Original poster

Are we likely to get turned down as foster parents

45 replies

treacle99 · 11/06/2021 23:59

Hi, ive wanted to be a foster carer for as long as i remmeber. Me and my partner have 3 children aged 6, 8 and 11. We have a spare bedroom and are very stable. He is happy to foster too.
My concern is that my partner was married previously. He is 42 now. He married aged 20 but they were only together for a year. During that time they had a baby. They split when his child was a small baby and he hasnt had any contact with his daughter since or tried to make any contact with her over the years. It seems strange to me that he could do this, if i had a child out there i would be fighting to see them. When i bring the subject up he gets defensive and says very little.

His daughter is now a young adult. I know if she contacted him he would absolutely be there for her and would have a relationship with her but for some reason he has never tried to make contact with her. I have suggested in the past that he makes contact with her but he says it so awkward but that he would like it if she contacted him one day.

He is a very good dad to our 3 children and i know that if we ever did split up he would be very active in their lives.
I feel like this is going to look very bad if we tried to apply to be foster carers as i dont see he has any good reason for not having contact for all these years. What are you thoughs? Is there any point in us applying?

OP posts:

supersonicsue · 14/06/2021 04:10

Sadly I do believe it could be a major issue during the assessment process. During our own assessments we were told that ex partners needed to be contacted, and additionally our now adult children, had to be interviewed too. I wish you luck and all I can suggest is telling them up front to see if they would consider you.

freedomontheway · 14/06/2021 05:26

I think the main problem seems to be his lack of insight into how his behaviour will probably have affected his daughter ( unless I'm totally wrong)
The assessment process isn't looking for perfect people who have never made mistakes, they're looking for potential carers who have lived experiences that they've learned from
It's doubtful your DH would have enough empathy for a child who is traumatised by not living with his / her parents
I guess it would be dependant on the individual assessing SW ( and the panel) but I dont think he should be approved as a FC

Skengman · 14/06/2021 05:50

I'd be wary you were both just doing it for the money.

Maybe he's changed. But I'd struggle to be convinced why either of you care so much for abandoned children when you've abandoned one of your own, and not even attempted to resolve the situation.

Chad23 · 14/06/2021 05:55

They will definitely want to speak to his ex wife and so I would think carefully about this prior to applying.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 14/06/2021 06:04

I think the problem is "when I bring the subject up he gets defensive and says very little". That's not going to fly when being interviewed!

LaurieFairyCake · 14/06/2021 06:07

The inability to be self reflective is the main problem - the defensiveness makes it even worse

He is financially supporting his child to CMS levels?

Patapouf · 14/06/2021 06:11

I suspect SS will take a dim view of this. It shows he has poor judgement and lack of insight but it also reflects badly on you for being with a man who doesn't give a shit about his child and has made no efforts whatsoever to make contact or build a relationship. If he cannot demonstrate an ability to emotionally support his own biological children how could he possibly support a foster child who may have experienced significant trauma and has complex needs?

Dinosauraddict · 14/06/2021 06:15

Yes I agree with the above posters. These children usually have very complex needs and need foster parents with an understanding of how trauma can impact lives. Not only has he not supported his own child in any meaningful way emotionally and physically throughout their childhood, but they have made no efforts to do so. It also sounds as if he will not be open, transparent and forthcoming when this needs to be declared and reflected on. I would be surprised (negatively so) if he was approved to be a foster carer knowing the extensive needs and support of these children.

SpaceRaiders · 14/06/2021 06:24

It shows he has poor judgement and lack of insight but it also reflects badly on you for being with a man who doesn't give a shit about his child.

I agree. The fact that he is waiting for his adult child to establish contact also speaks volumes here.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 14/06/2021 17:07

"It shows he has poor judgement and lack of insight but it also reflects badly on you for being with a man who doesn't give a shit about his child."

I also agree with this

"He is a very good dad to our 3 children and i know that if we ever did split up he would be very active in their lives."

Sorry OP but you really don't know that as he wasn't like that with his first.
Some men just play Dad and then when they split from the ex they move on.
As your DH still has never tried to contact his daughter or anything it shows he most definitely hasn't changed.

It would also be surprised if they approved you both.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 14/06/2021 17:08

I would*

SimplySteveRedux · 14/06/2021 17:15

The fact that he is waiting for his adult child to establish contact also speaks volumes here.

Yes. DP's father has several, over seven likely more, children by different mothers and dropped out of their lives very early, with the exact adage "they'll come to me when they need me". He was persuaded by a partner to make contact with DP some years ago and he was so Disney Dad it was unreal. He shit on DP and was in it for his jollies, nothing to do with caring. Thankfully the partner left him when the picture became clear. DP remains traumatised by the contact.

Any reasonable SW/Panel will laugh in this man's face. Thankfully.

UhtredRagnarson · 14/06/2021 17:22

Hopefully SS would not place a vulnerable child who may have been rejected and abandoned by a parent with someone who has done exactly that. That would be very remiss of them.

Allllchange · 14/06/2021 17:31

I would be saying he needs to make contact and resolve that part of his life before he can move forward. The fact that he won't discuss it implies it isn't resolved at all and he can't just pretend that child doesn't exist. Every agency is slightly different and it might be worth you contacting them and then doing an initially assessment. They will ask about birth children so it will be raised at that point and they will be clear what needs to be done before the time and expense of fully assessing you.

FelicityPike · 14/06/2021 17:37

Sorry but I agree with all of the above.
I would say you have virtually no chance of being approved.

ApolloandDaphne · 14/06/2021 18:03

I actually am going to go against the grain and say that you do have a chance. However it would involve your DP being prepared to do a lot of soul searching and discussing this at length and in depth during the assessment process. He would also have to be prepared for his ex to be contacted for find out what she has to say about what happened. He was very young at the time and there is certainly an acceptance that people change. I sit on fostering and adoption panels and I would want to explore this thoroughly at panel with prospective foster carers.

How prepared would he be to really take the lid off this to explore and reflect on why he hasn't been in contact with his DD?

flapjackfairy · 14/06/2021 18:10

I am a foster carer and have a close friend whose husband also had children from a previous marruage that he was not in contact with. They were fostering long before me and were excellent fc for many years so.it does happen
But as others have said he needs to be honest and upfront and happy to explore the issue in order to proceed.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 14/06/2021 20:10

It would be in really poor taste to explore this with the foster agency potentially contacting this young woman's mother for your own benefit to be able to foster though, not actually for the young woman whose father abandoned her.
Can you imagine having your Dad abandon you and then find out he wants to foster?!
What a smack in the face.

UhtredRagnarson · 14/06/2021 20:23

@Thisnamewasnttaken123

It would be in really poor taste to explore this with the foster agency potentially contacting this young woman's mother for your own benefit to be able to foster though, not actually for the young woman whose father abandoned her. Can you imagine having your Dad abandon you and then find out he wants to foster?! What a smack in the face.

Yeah, this.

supersonicsue · 14/06/2021 20:35

I sit on fostering and adoption panels and I would want to explore this thoroughly at panel with prospective foster carers

My thoughts would be that it was VERY unlikely they would reach as far as the fostering panel. My experience is that social workers have more yes/no thinking than the panel (with their wider views and differing professional experience) do.

ApolloandDaphne · 15/06/2021 09:26

@supersonicsue

I sit on fostering and adoption panels and I would want to explore this thoroughly at panel with prospective foster carers

I have not found this with the social workers who do our assessments. They are not yes/no at all. They have prospective foster carers do a lot of reflective writing as well as discussion then they pull out what they believe is relevant in their analysis.

soreenqueen21 · 15/06/2021 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

supersonicsue · 15/06/2021 11:08

I really wish I could say the same AppolloandDaphne but I sadly have not found that at all. It is very much a tick boxes, one size fits all type of assessment, and if a box cannot be ticked then the assessment does not continue. Certainly when I started 30 years ago it was like you describe, but unfortunately not in more recent times. But perhaps my area is the exception to the rule and elsewhere assessments are completed as you describe, as of course they should be.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 15/06/2021 13:00

"I would certainly hope you would be turned down. How could you have children with a man who had already totally abandoned one? I can never understand women like this, and there are so many of them."

I agree.
My Exs new wife was telling me how amazing he was with her kids after he abandoned mine.
She stupidly had two more kids with him.
A few years later she was back in touch confessed how awful he was and what a useless father he was.
I wouldn't touch a feckless father with a barge poll.
Yuck.

Original poster

treacle99 · 15/06/2021 22:29

Thanks everyone for your replies. Some very strong opinions on this one! Most of you seem be confirming what i thought... That us being approved as foster parents is unlikely. Im gutted as its something that i have literally always wanted to do since being very young.

Its a shame as i would probably get approved if i left my husband and did it on my own.... despite the fact that my husband provides us as a family with so much security and help and support.

My husband tells me that when his daughter was born his ex wife was already seeing some one else. My husband was away, in the army and when he came back his ex pretty much said she didnt want anything to do with him and she wanted her new partner to be dad. Im not defending him because i still cannot get my head around how he could have a child and not see her but its not as simple as abandoning her. Im pretty sure the 20 year old him and the 42 year old him but have responded completely different.

Flapjackfairy and appolloandDaphne thankyou for giving me some hope that there might be a chance (however small) in the future.

OP posts:

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