Are we likely to get turned down as foster parents

[treacle99]

Hi, ive wanted to be a foster carer for as long as i remmeber. Me and my partner have 3 children aged 6, 8 and 11. We have a spare bedroom and are very stable. He is happy to foster too.
My concern is that my partner was married previously. He is 42 now. He married aged 20 but they were only together for a year. During that time they had a baby. They split when his child was a small baby and he hasnt had any contact with his daughter since or tried to make any contact with her over the years. It seems strange to me that he could do this, if i had a child out there i would be fighting to see them. When i bring the subject up he gets defensive and says very little.

His daughter is now a young adult. I know if she contacted him he would absolutely be there for her and would have a relationship with her but for some reason he has never tried to make contact with her. I have suggested in the past that he makes contact with her but he says it so awkward but that he would like it if she contacted him one day.

He is a very good dad to our 3 children and i know that if we ever did split up he would be very active in their lives.
I feel like this is going to look very bad if we tried to apply to be foster carers as i dont see he has any good reason for not having contact for all these years. What are you thoughs? Is there any point in us applying?

The 42 yr old hasn’t responded differently though. Nothing’s changed.

I think that’s the issue - people change between 20 and 42 (although there aren’t many mums who get to make decisions like that and excuse themselves with their youth) but his actions make it clear he hasn’t. He’s had decades to at least try and approach his kid and hasn’t done so.

I can’t even imagine how hurtful it would be for his child to learn he wants to take on the children of strangers. Please don’t even try to do this.

the 20 year old him and the 42 year old him but have responded completely different

Social workers really appreciate that, and also those who have overcome difficult or painful situations. However, in their eyes, your 20 year old DH and the 42 year old one HASN'T responded differently because they still do not have contact with their (adult) child. I am so sorry though, it must be hard for you when his past is stopping you from doing something you so want.

Nobody who has completely neglected one of his children is a good parent.

For the daughters sake I hope the application is rejected immediately and it doesn't get to the point where they speak to his ex.

Can you imagine how shitty that would be for his daughter, he abandoned her but is trying to earn some extra money by fostering.

It's completely tactless for him to consider this.

Yes, i completely get that that it wouldnt be nice or appropriate for his daughter to be contacted by social service in this way. For that reason its not something i would be comfortable proceeding with anyway.

I can only hope that in time he establishes a relationship with her and it becomes a possibility in the future. I would absolutely welcome her into our family with open arms if thats what she wanted and that has always been the case. But obviously its not up to me to initiate that. Tbh, i cant get my head around why he hasnt contacted her and its upsetting me now to think about.

Lunar1 i am confused as to how you have come to the conclusion that he is trying to earn extra money by fostering. Its absolutely not the case. He has a good job, higher earner tax payer. I would have left my job to foster so we wouldnt have been better off.

My friend and her husband fostered. His ex had a child whilst they were together but she claimed he wasn't the father. I don't think he was on the birth certificate but don't know for sure. They had no problems being accepted as foster parents.

Don't forget that you probably won't get a work pension if you are a foster carer, so take that into account if you are accepted.

I don't think it sounds as though your husband has the empathy to be a foster carer, though. If he can't put himself in his own daughter's shoes, how can he do that for foster children?

And if he works full time in a tough job, does he really want to come home and face more problems from other children?

@UhtredRagnarson

Hopefully SS would not place a vulnerable child who may have been rejected and abandoned by a parent with someone who has done exactly that. That would be very remiss of them.

This. How can you not see that, op?

My conclusion that it is probably money motivated on his part is because I don't understand why on earth else he would do it. He isn't fit to foster vulnerable children.

I am speaking as a person who was abandoned by a parent so am not unbiased.

Even reading this thread makes me want to cry, just the thought that anyone could consider him a good parent is a disgrace to be honest. There are some circumstances where a person should be judged by the worst thing they have done. Nothing he has done since he abandoned his child can make up for that action.

"Nobody who has completely neglected one of his children is a good parent."

Absolutely.
I think you are making excuses for him OP.
He is no different now to what he was then.
He has no moral compass.
You made your choice by being with him and actually I think there should be some sort of downside of being with a feckless father. (Apart from the fact he is likely to do the same to you when you split)
They get away with far too much.

Tbh, i cant get my head around why he hasnt contacted her and its upsetting me now to think about.
Why the hell didn't don't you just ask him? I can't actually believe that you've wanted to foster children for "as long as you can remember" whilst ignoring the fact that their was a child of your husband's out there being completely ignored.
Neither of you are fit to foster anybody.

there

When my ndn fostered and then applied to adopt a dc both their ex spouses had to vouch for them. Imagine you are in a position to adopt one of your fosterlings and his ex speaks up...

and i know that if we ever did split up he would be very active in their lives.
You know no such thing.

Does he suspect his dd isn’t really his?

Glad to hear that you are not proceeding with this Op. Your husband shouldn't be allowed the opportunity to let another child down.

Do your dc know their father has another child? That they have a half sibling? If so how do they understand that and if not that's quite a family secret.

@GreyhoundG1rl

and i know that if we ever did split up he would be very active in their lives. You know no such thing.

The evidence suggests otherwise.

The fact that he is defensive and not open to finding out about his daughter, appears to be uninterested suggests some history or back story he hasn't shared with you.

To foster (or adopt) they really do look at everything and why he didn't step up as parent for his own child is a massive red flag!

We foster, we have children together and children ( adults) from other relationships.
My partner is very much involved in his children’s lives and always has been. His ex partner and children were all interviewed during our application.
My son hadn’t seen his dad for around 10 years, we had no contact with him at all. I didn’t even know where he was living.
They found him and interviewed him.
I’m not sure your husband would appreciate the intense questioning and intrusion into his life if he has brushed his past under the carpet.
The process is very intense, it may cause problems in your relationship.
I’d give up on the idea if I were you.