Thinking abput fostering

[rrbrigi]

Hi,

We would like to become a foster parent. We have one child who is 4. We have 4 bedroom semi-detached house. Both of us are working. I work 9-14.30 in the morning and my husband work full time, but most of the time from home (he goes to the office 1 day per week). We already spoke to the council, and they a bit concerned, because both of us working. I told them that we would like school aged children, so I can look after them after school, but they would like to know how we can cope with holidays. I told them in the same way how we do with our child we can have babysitter, nanny, child minder etc. They told me I cannot use other person to look after the children just me and my husband. They also told me I need to wait until my son start the school, because they need a report from the school. So we agreed we will continue the process in October.

I started to think about how we can sort this out. I am sure there are a lots of summer school and summer activities for foster children and my husband can change his working hours for the holidays (e.g.: I work in the morning and he works in the afternoon) and also both of us has 4-5 weeks holiday that we can take out or I have unpaid leave that I can take out. I am a bit concerned to leave my job, because than we rely on the fostering allowance and we need to spend the fostering allowance on food and bills, instead of helping for the foster child. And what about if later on it turns out that one of us has a serious illness and we cannot do fostering anymore and I cannot go to back into my carrier, because I won't have experience?
Probably we can do respite/break fostering, could you tell me how does it work? Do you have any experience with working and fostering together? Please could you tell me how do you cope with these things and is there any chance that we can be approved for fostering?

Thank you very much.

RRBrigi

Hi as your youngest is four you would most likey be looking at babies 0-2 (looking after children that are older than your own is not recommened )as such you would be required by most LA to have at least one person at home full time this usually is certianly the case for under 5s also most pre school children have high vloumes of contact with borth parents , sibling as eventually adoptive parents.

You would most likey not be able to relay on your hoilday as if you use them all up for foster children ss would question what who happen to your own children if they became sick and you have no more leave

Meetings come up all the time things can happen so fast i have often had thngs happen in the moring with meetings set up for the afternoon

I would say espically at the start of a placemnet and towrds the end your in and out of meetings alomst every day

And as a carer who looks after children under 6 many of the babies are so ill with drugs ect you most likey wouldnt be ale to work

Our current placemnt i was up at 2am every night for the first 6 weeks i lived in a onsie and all the meetings had to be moved to here because i was so knacked (thank god sw understood) their would be no way i would then after being up from 2am be able to then get to a full time office job

Have you thought about weekend respite

I would agree with MrB and say that one of you really needs to be at home whatever the age of the child. Children who are fostered are much more needy (understandably) than other children and they need lots of your attention after school etc if they go to school.

They don't really need you just slotting them into your life. They need so much more than that.

Often they can be off sick more often than other children (stress does make them more susceptible to illness) and don't forget you can pick up all these bugs too.

Also, I agree that there are many meetings.

Good luck and respite could be a good way to start.

Lots of good points above. I just want to add that even if you fostered a school aged child a lot of them spend a lot of time out of school - some through walking out, others from being sent home/suspended.

scarlet5tyger oh can i also add even if you have school age child when they arrive at placemnt tyey may not even be in school or sw may nit be able to secure. School place until almost the end of the plcement or they may refuse its not like with our own children were you can just budle them in the car and take them any way

Because of the fear or what a foster child may be like many schools fight to keep the children out or make life very hard also you may have a situation were the chikd for their own sake may need to be pulled out of the school.

Hi op, you say you would be able to use a baby sitter, child minder or nanny like for your own child, depending on the child this could be detrimental to them. They could be traumatised, frightened, show defiant behaviour or many other things. Also, with the summer activities, the same reason applies.

I hope you don't mind me saying this but if I was a social worker, instead of a foster carer, I would say no to you fostering because of you both working and especially if you couldn't see the reason for this.

Sorry, I don't mean to offend you

Hi,

Thanks for all of your answer. I understand your opinion and of course we need to think it carefully before we start or won't start fostering.
I have a couple of other things that I would like to discuss with you.
SW would like us to be a good example for these children. Would not be the best example seeing us working, taking care of our family and see if you respect your work you can have money and you won't have financial difficulties. That is what we would like from them, is not it? To learn how to be part of the family and everybody in the family has a vital role to keep the family together and financially secure. How good example is for them to seeing me at home without job, just looking after the kids and when they come to me and say "I would like a scooter, piano lesson, bicycle etc..." and I would say "Sorry darling, but it is out of our budget" instead of go to work and get the money for a nice holiday, a nice birthday party, for nice toys etc. I know you would say these are just things, but it is not true, you need these things to have a nice childhood, get nice memories. That is what we would like to show them, they part of our family and yes, they have role to play in the family and they can realize that being part of the family sometimes is challenging, but a good thing. So when they grow up and have a family hopefully, they can give everything to their children what the children need. Of course I am not speaking about yacht and cars at the age of 18, I am speaking about small things, but these small things can help us building up our memories and these memories can help us out when the time is difficult in our family life.
I think the other things we need to show them that the roles in the family need to go on. I am a mother my role is to look after the kids and go to work to make sure that everybody is financially secure. The father has a role as well and the kids have roles as well. Kids need to grow socially as well and they need to be part of the community (go to school; go to the park and go to play with other children). Of course as a whole family we have role as well, loving each other and spending time together as much as we can. But I ask you how good quality is the time that you spend with the children in the park physically, but in your mind thinking about how you can afford a new toy for them, or how you can pay the next food bill, or can you buy yoghurt for them or not, etc?
I think the other things that we would like to show them how to become independent. It does not mean you should not spend any minute with them but let them become an independent, self motivated person. ?Show me how to do it myself? /Montessori/. I think that is a very good saying. I think being behind them is not the same than holding their hand, they need to have their own mistakes, but they need to learn to accept the consequences and learn from their mistakes.

May I ask one more question, do you honestly think you could not give more to them if you could spend the fostering allowance on the child only?

Being a foster carer is a highly skilled and responsible role. Maybe it is not the right time for you to be thinking about fostering if you could not afford to give up work. As others have posted you need to be available for the child and the many meetings that take place. If you have a child who is not of school age you cannot work. Children who are fostered have had very difficult lives. They need to attach to a primary care giver who is around for them all the time, to provide an emotionally secure base.

Lots of families have to say no to requests from their children for toys etc, we all have budgets.

Maybe you could contact your local authority and ask for a social worker to come round to discuss some of these issues and they could provide some information to you to help you to understand why what you are suggesting wouldn't fit with the needs of the children.

Op i dont want to sound harsh but i feel you may not really understand fostering At all and what a foster carers roll is these chikdren are damaged in some cases ill from the trauma and abuse thats been inflicted

My fc was with drawing frim drugs so was physically ill even going out in the wind would be agoney for them

These children dont want THINGS what they want is to come home from school and some one to be their most oster children have had their fill off being passed for person to person no matter the reason also as already stated regaurdless of you wanting to set a good example in practiacl terms what would you be planning to do with say 6 year old child who spoke no english that didnt have a school place while you were at work

For some foster children espically younger ones as their carer they may be the only one you will eat or speak to how would that play out of you placed them with a nanny

I my self have had a child who simply would not eat or drink unless i was their simply i could not leave that child with any one

Also on your last point what i offer comes at no cost i offer a lovng home free frim hurt,abuse and pain and safe haven

rrbrigi If you can't give up work perhaps you could think about getting involved in another way eg volunteering via a charity to mentor children who are in care, or working with a children's charity? That would also give you some valuable experience of what it's like for some of these children so that if you did want to go ahead with fostering later, you'd have more to draw on?

Yes, if you have a foster child you would be an example for them, of course you would ,but not necessarily because you go to work.

There are so many other ways of being an example and making an impression. Before learning about the importance of work the foster child will, possibly for the first time, learn about the importance of her/himself. Someone actually putting her needs first...

If they come and ask for a scooter, bike etc you take what they are asking seriously and either say yes for Xmas or birthday or else yes now.

If you think by fostering and not working you wont be able to afford the basics like yoghurt for heavens sake then it is your duty not to do it.

A foster carer doesn't run a hotel, OP, they care for very vulnerable children. What do you think you're getting paid for as a foster carer if you're also working part time?

I think you have the wrong end of the stick really.

A single stay at home mum on benefits can be a foster carer. You working doesnt make you a better foster carer, nor does possessions. They need a huge level of care and often emotional support.

Most children in FC have suffered some kind of abuse. Do you really think that what they are in desperate need of is holidays, toys and a 'mother' figure working?

I fear you have missed the point OP.

Will it become harder to recruit foster carers in this economic environment? It is very difficult for families to only live on one wage.

Haven't read all the posts but I am a foster carer and this is my situation- I foster a 14 year old boy. It is a long term placement. I also have a three year old and five month old of my own. I work part time, three full days. During the school holidays foster son goes to summer schemes etc, which we pay for and the council have no objections. I foster for an independent fostering charity, TACT, and they are fantastic. I also know several of their other carers also work. Good luck!

But you know, scarlett, that most LAs insist on your children being at least two years older than the children being fostered?

they need to have their own mistakes I presume you mean make their own mistakes.....well some children in foster care will have been living with their parents mistakes, and living in chaos.

When a child comes into foster care will not be the time for teaching them to be independent, they might have been very independent and self sufficient anyway. The period in foster care is initially for safety, helping them pick up the pieces of their broken lives, loving them and boosting their self belief. Showing them how wonderful they are not for them to be shown how wonderful you are working

Not in edinburgh obviously! We were offered ten children before we eventually fostered child a- we wanted to make sure that the placement would be successful and were realistic about what we could manage. As I said, I am with an agency, not local authority. We have had foster placement since my daughter was 18 months old and I have since had another and it hasnt been an issue. I personally think their is far too much red tape and not enough common sense, hence the massive shortage of carers.

Hi,
Thanks for the replies from all of you.

I started this thread, because I have not got any experience with these children, and I wanted to find out a couple of things.

My husband family has a foster child (long-term) back in our country and they can manage to work until the child is in school (both of them).

I strongly agree with you that the most important for these children is love and warm, safe homenobody denial that these are far the most important things for them.
But I do not think going to work keep me away from these goals. I do not think because I work the child would get less from us. It is just a lot more work for me to organize everything. I assume you use someone to look after children as well, when you go out for a dinner, or somewhere else with your partner just two of you?

Of course a single stay at home mum on benefits can foster, but what happens if something goes wrong, and she cannot foster any more (i.e.: illnesses or not getting on with the child). Or what about if the law will change in 10 years time and let?s pretend they cancel all benefits or change the whole system and there won?t be fostering any more. What she should do? Panic and give her child to foster care? We would like to give lots of love, and a warm, safe family home for these children, but why would I risk my own family?s financial future? /Probably you already found out that I am an accountant /

Bonnieslilsister, you say leave the fostering if I cannot afford the basic for them. Just because I would like to give them more not just ?basic? I do not think I am a wrong person. How do you know that the child would not be in better care in my house than in a children home? Just because I do not want to leave my work? I personally think they would miss a very good place to live if the council would say ?no?. Go to work show them responsibility, show them that I am responsibly not only for myself but for my family as well. Probably these children coming from parents where none of them work and can see the damage that it caused on their family. If they learn that we are not only responsible for ourselves, but for other (our family, etc.) as well hopefully they can use this skill when they have their own family.
I think independence is coming from self belief, if you do not believe in yourself you won?t be able to do amazing or even basic things. You need to teach them independence when you have a long term fostering otherwise how they are going to do it themselves when they need to start their own life. Or if you have a younger child and you tech the child how to eat alone, dress alone, washing teeth alone etc. and the child goes back to her birth parents it can give a huge difference and more time for parents. More time for parents make less argument etc?

Scarlet, thanks to let me know, that there are out someone who works in part time and foster in the same time as well. Your situation is even harder than mine, because you have 2 young children. I have only one child.

I would really appreciate to hear from other foster parents who work and foster in the same time. But any opinion much appreciated.
Thanks.

So, OP, a little boy arrives at your house in the middle of the night. His dad has just been arrested for beating up his mum, who is now in hospital, and no relatives are suitable. The little boy is distraught and clearly neglected.

You are meant to be at work at 9 am. You have a meeting with an important client. Your husband has to go to work, too.

What would you do?

Let's say you are allowed to take some time off. After two weeks he is returned to his mum - you've had to take that time off. Then you get another child. This one has been beaten up by his mum and is bruised and bleeding. You have work the next day. It's with the client you cancelled last time. What would you do?

Now if you said you'd have a handy childminder, do you think that's realistic? These children have come to you at a terrible time in their lives. Do you think it's right to hand them over to a childminder shortly after meeting you? A childminder with several other children to look after? And why should the childminder keep a place open? Sometimes you'll need a place, sometimes you won't.

Be realistic, will you?

Imperial, I don't think the OP would want to be an emergency foster carer, which is the scenario you are painting. With long-term placements I would imagine that taking a couple of weeks off at the start of a placement should ensure that things will run fairly smoothly. It would still be hard and of course with the likelihood of more problems at school etc and contact visits is potentially disruptive to the foster parents' jobs but presumably they will have factored that likelihood into their thinking process.

I think it is perfectly possible to do long term fostering and work-especially if you foster an only child. I think it is a misconception that all children in care need huge amounts of attention and support. My own foster child has had no issue with me working, and I also think it has indeed been good for him to see that adults working is a good thing. Every child is different and there may well be a child that would be perfect for the op. My foster son also has two younger siblings in care and both their foster mothers work part time, so my situation is not a one off.

I thought I always will get a call and the SW will discuss the placement with me. If SW calls me that they have a little boy (who you mentioned ImperialBlether) I would feel very sorry but if I think I cannot manage I would say no. Of course I do not know how it feels to say no for a child who needs help (probably I would be very said after that), but I know there are other children who need help too.

You don't have to take every placement offered- you can choose to only do long term, non emergency placements.

So probably the long term fostering is better for us than other options?
I though in the first 2 years you cannot get long term placements just short term placements ( but I know short term placements are still not the same as emergency). I live in South East.

Probably long term fostering or weekend fostering. (respite). We're considering doing this as well, but will probably apply for respite fostering to start with until our own kids are older and both at school.