Thinking abput fostering

[rrbrigi]

Hi,

We would like to become a foster parent. We have one child who is 4. We have 4 bedroom semi-detached house. Both of us are working. I work 9-14.30 in the morning and my husband work full time, but most of the time from home (he goes to the office 1 day per week). We already spoke to the council, and they a bit concerned, because both of us working. I told them that we would like school aged children, so I can look after them after school, but they would like to know how we can cope with holidays. I told them in the same way how we do with our child we can have babysitter, nanny, child minder etc. They told me I cannot use other person to look after the children just me and my husband. They also told me I need to wait until my son start the school, because they need a report from the school. So we agreed we will continue the process in October.

I started to think about how we can sort this out. I am sure there are a lots of summer school and summer activities for foster children and my husband can change his working hours for the holidays (e.g.: I work in the morning and he works in the afternoon) and also both of us has 4-5 weeks holiday that we can take out or I have unpaid leave that I can take out. I am a bit concerned to leave my job, because than we rely on the fostering allowance and we need to spend the fostering allowance on food and bills, instead of helping for the foster child. And what about if later on it turns out that one of us has a serious illness and we cannot do fostering anymore and I cannot go to back into my carrier, because I won't have experience?
Probably we can do respite/break fostering, could you tell me how does it work? Do you have any experience with working and fostering together? Please could you tell me how do you cope with these things and is there any chance that we can be approved for fostering?

Thank you very much.

RRBrigi

I personally would speak to a not for profit agency and avoid local authority completely.

To be honest op you can go to am agncey but be warned may la are not useing agnceys unless nessasery

My supervisor has been told no child is to go to a agancey unless every la bed has been filled you eill now find may tales of angcey carers going with out placements for months on end

Also most la and even aganceys recommed you do not foster children older than your own as as a foster my self i would say dont do it their are some who do and those are usually very experinced carers but i really would say its not a good idea usually the sw are crazy and just come out with rules out of thin air but really its very good advice

Also even with a long term child you may get a absonda or a child who has no school place what would you be planning to Do with that child?

Even long term placemnts needs flexabilty sy a child yu have absonds after going out with mates and by 7 the next morining still no sight what would you do just go to work?

If their is delveopment and emegncey meeting is set up os your work flexable?

I thought SW matches the children with the foster family. Some child would like to be the oldest, some the youngest and some does not even want a sister or a brother in the foster family. On my La's website there is an advertising about fostering and the FC is the oldest in the family. The family has 3 birth children and the oldest one at least 5-7 years younger than the FC. And the FC also saying that she always wanted to be the oldest children in the family, that was the main reason why she left her previous foster family.

I would deal with the FC like with my own son. Of course they can get ill and stay at home from school and probably in the beginning can happen that FC goes to somewhere else with his or her friend but not in school. But he or she will have a very good example and can see that we take our job seriously, my son take the school very seriously and he or she can see if you learn like me or my husband you will get a very good job and it will be easier for her or him to look after his or her family in the future. All what I would like to say it is just teaching them the good habit. In my house there is no excuse to not to go to school or not behave in the school and the FC will learn it very soon, because if he or she won't go to school or behave badly he or she needs to accept the consequences (e.g.: I will take FC to the school gate and wait until FC goes in, no TV or other things that FC would like to do etc...). I even can speak to FC's teacher to sort it out.
What do you mean they won't have school places? Then I will speak to the SW, because that is very naughty if the child cannot go to school.

But as I said in my previous message before the child come to our house I will know everything from him or her and probably won't choose a child who do not have a school place because it would be a very bad example for my own child as well.

My work is quiet flexible, because my son has health issues and we go to the doctor with him regularly. I do not think it would be a problem to take out some days to sort these kinds of things out, and also I can take 1-2 weeks holiday when the child arrives in our house.

rrbrigi its nit about the foster child wanting to be t he oldest its about protecting your won children agaisnt abuse, and the very adult things these children have been trough the foster chikdren may be displaying very sexulised bahviour or very voilent bahviour your 4 year old would be unlikey to with stand the bullying ir sexual advances of a 14 year old or you may find that yur own child because so because so young will pick up the swearing and or voilent behaviour

Yes sw do try to match but the long and short is if there is a spear bed and a child needs it thats usually were they end up even in long term sw can never fully tell you what trauma a child has been trough police and sw may have responed to one insident in the home but that child may have been suffering for years

A child may have been removed for neglect and later down the line you find they also have been sexualy abused

How will you know everything about the child rrbrigi i have been fostering for neigh on 7 years and i havent had a child yet i have known everything about

Also even if a child has a school place when they arrive its often hapoesn they need to leave their current school due to parents making a secne or due to the trauma of moving their behaviour becomes such that they are asked to leave.

Sorry this is the first time i have said this i will probley get flamed but from what you are saying i really dont think you understand the task at hand and may not be suited to fostering

Their i said it good luck if you do go ahead

A 3 or 5 year old children can be as violent as a 14 year old child. Kicking, hitting, speaking rude, etc... Of course FC going through a lot, but that is why FP are to teach them that these things are not acceptable behaviors or you just let them continue to be violent and speak rude so when they become adult they go to prison instead of having a nice family.

If you cannot explain it to your own child that why the FC behaves so badly and make your child understand that the FC behavior is not acceptable, but he or she need a bit of time to learn it, than yes, probably fostering is not the best option for these parents. Let me ask something Mrbojangles1. If you have a BC, does he or she hit you or speak rude with you because he or she see other children doing this with their parents? Mine definitely NOT. Teaching children that every people different and there are good and bad behaviors and just because somebody behave badly it does NOT mean you need to be bad as well. That is what as a parent I teach to my son.
My husband parent has a foster child who has behaved badly sometimes and my son saw a couple of occasion. Does he hit me, because he saw it? NO. Did he ask me why my husband foster brother did it? YES. Did I explain it to my son? YES. Oh and probably I should not let my son nieces and uncles see my son, because they speak rude sometimes?

People it is about parenting and communication for both ways with your child and with the FC. You cannot hide your child from the bad things, they are exist in the world, but you can teach them how to cope with bad things and how to Distinguish between good and bad things.

And what do you mean abuse my child? What do you think where I will be when it is happening? In the pub? Or work? When I work my child is in school and my husband at home.

Look its your life i am just trying to give you the some knowldge in the 7 years i have been fostering

If you think their is no chance a foster child could abuse your child then thats up to you

If you cant see that by having a child that is older than your own you not only putting your own child a physical risk and that also by changing the postion of your oldest child by making a foster chlld the oldest you will more than likey change the dynamics of your whole family

Like i siad begire their are some carers that do this nit many and they are usually very exprinced

"Mrbojangles1. If you have a BC, does he or she hit you or speak rude with you because he or she see other children doing this with their parents?"

a older child who lives in your home is modelling behaviour is very diffrent from your birth child seeing random children out about that haven been abused

For inatsnce your child will not have seen children out side the home defacting on the floor.

And i am nit being rude but your son seeing your inlawas foster child is a whole diffrent kettle of fish that havein a foster child placed in your home

I am not on the pannel so it wont be or me to decied if you could foster or not but i really think you have a lot more thinking to do

Thanks MrBojangles1.

You are right that I have a lot to think before we decide. Probably I will discuss all of these things to the SW try to be as honest as I can with her or him and we will see what happens.

Just to say nobody can be a 100% sure that he or she can do fostering and enjoy fostering before he or she tries.

Hi rrbrigi,

I agree with so much of what you say. You appear a lovely family with much love and space to share your lives with other children. I admire you for that. Your own child could also benefit enormously.

However, what other people are saying is also true. I am not an expert by any means but I have adopted 4 children, have long term fostered 2 others and also do respite fostering for those with complex needs. In my experience it is almost impossible for both partners to work outside of the home when you are a foster carer. There are SO many statutory visits (by the child's SW and your SSW), regular reviews and meetings and also contact with the child's birth family which in the eyes of SS HAS to come first no matter your own particular circumstances. Even with just one foster child it will be a very unusual week if you do not have several meetings/visits to attend. You will usually be expected to transport the child to and fro from contact visits (for a young child this can be most days) - and contact will be at the birth families convenience rather than that of the child (however wrong that is). However, as your husband does work from home it may be possible for him to attend these meetings/visits on the mornings you are at work while you do the same in the afternoons and evenings.

I am unsure as to whether SS would 'allow' you both to work though. I know our LA would not and have very firm rules, and although this may seem unreasonable to you now, I did realise that were right once the child/ren were placed with us. Other LAs may of course differ. I also realised that no matter how lovely a family you are you cannot alter the child's past and the resulting problems because of it. I underestimated that at first, believing that enough love, strong but fair parenting and time would make things right. But that is not the case (unless I am particularly crap at parenting) and know now that I can make a difference, but cannot expect a child to behave/respond as a child with a happy start in life can. As they reach the teenage years I have found that even more challenging. The most important thing is giving the child your time and always being there - and although all you say about working is true and your attitude is responsible and sensible, I'm afraid I think SS would think being a stay at home parent is more important. It was a hard lesson to learn that you do often have to cast aside your own personal values and beliefs and do things SS way. And some of those ways I still personally disagree with - but nonetheless if I want to be a foster parent I do have to toe the line. I was once told a wonderful parent does not always make a wonderful foster parent as it can be quite different with different priorities. Maybe it shouldn't be that way but sadly it is. There have been many times when my own (adopted) children's needs have had to come second to those of the foster child. I am forever juggling other appointments because SS do now take kindly to any fostering appointments to be altered...though to be fair they often involve many professionals and are difficult to re-arrange. I have found though that the foster carers life/needs do come last. And one last thing, my LA would be unhappy if we were to leave a foster child with a babysister/nanny/childminder, and certainly would not accept this on a regular basis. Again other LA's may differ.

Unfortunately having a foster child does mean you are opening yourself up to alligations (for me that is the worse part of fostering) and that can impinge on your own child/ren. I did not realise how common alligations would be. You also have to alter your house rules to try and minimise that and to protect your own child from any abuse. I remember being aghast at the thought my husband and adult sons were advised never to read the foster child a bedtime story in their bed or never having the child in your bedroom at all. They are small things but an illustration that the things that are 'normal' for your own son cannot necessarily repeated for a foster child. It is so sad that this has to be the case.

I hope this does not sound negative and there are certainly a million positives to counterbalance. My advice would be talk to your LA (and neighbouring ones) - maybe they are less rigid in their criteria than ours. But you know this.

I really hope it works out for you all. Good luck!

To give you an idea of the amount of meetings you will be expected to go to OP, it goes like this:

There will be a placement agreement meeting within a day or two of the child being placed with you, then a 28 day review, then a 3 month review, then regular six monthly reviews, in between these reviews there will be medicals, PEP meetings, monthly statutory visits from the child's social worker, monthly visits from your supervising social worker, CAMHS and other therapy/ intervention appointments and health visiting appointments depending on the age of the child.

And this is not even taking into account contact arrangements which could be monthly, weekly or even daily depending upon the plan for the child.

These are just the basic committments and don't account for the very real possibility of the child's education placement breaking down/ exclusions, illness, any kind of OT or health input or additional meetings you may need to have with the social workers.

If your employment is flexible enough to cope with taking time off for several appointments per week and you're lucky enough to get one of the very few children who are 'undamaged' enough to be able to be passed between childminders and holiday clubs then it might just work, but in my experience such set ups are incredibly rare.

Cornishsue, I just wanted to say what a thoughtful and well balanced point of view your post puts across.

The only thing I think I can add to this topic is that although I am now a "stay at home parent" I VERY much consider foster caring to be a job. If it were given the professional recognition it deserves there might not be the need for this topic at all.