Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Fostering

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on fostering.

Original poster

How on earth do you say goodbye?

39 replies

BusterTheDonk · 13/12/2011 20:42

Heard today our beautiful little people are moving to their forever home soon after Christmas. They have been our life for the past 16 months.

They are our first and have completely captured our hearts. They are 2 & 3 and we have covered so much ground with them - we adore them.

The professional part of me is really strong and knows it was always part of the plan and I must do this that and the other.. and then I crumble once they are in bed and struggle to think of life without them.

People say your first are the hardest.... how can my heart be so full of pride (proud of them) and breaking at the same time?

Please hold my hand... Sad Sad Sad Sad

OP posts:
EllenandBump · 13/12/2011 20:53

Hopefully, you will not have to say goodbye to them, hopefully you will still be allowed contact with them and to be able to see them continue to grow. I was with a girl at school who still goes back to see her foster mum, and she is now in contact with her real mum.

I wish you all the best. And you can always be proud of them, you have played a big part in their lives. xxx

sharenicely · 13/12/2011 22:00

Oh no poor you, no advice as I still have my first placement and am already dreading the day she leaves. Are they being adopted?
It's up to her new family isn't it re contact?
I know with my little one they've told me I will be able to do respite for her so I feel like I won't ever lose touch with her which makes things a little easier.

At least you have Christmas with them.
Sorry nothing I say will make you feel any better but at least you have taken the plunge and fostered. The number of people who say to me "oh I couldn't do what you do as i couldn't hand them back." Oh you think I'll find it easy do you? Aargh .

Original poster
BusterTheDonk · 13/12/2011 22:14

Thankfully we are happy with where they are going.. its to family.. the family say they want to keep in touch, but I'm not honestly sure that's in the kids best interest.. only time will tell..

I think its just the fact that I may drop them off one day, and its then decided that they don't come back that night.. or ever.. probably for the best so they don't see me cry Sad

I read a quote on here once saying they leave with a part of your heart, only to make room for another to come and fill it...

OMG, no-one could have prepared me for this heartbreak..

OP posts:
catsrus · 14/12/2011 10:36

my friend has an adopted son that still has regular contact with his foster carer - at first they went back to see her whenever he asked, which was quite regularly, now it's more (7yrs later) "we haven't seen or spoken to X for ages, shall we give her a ring?" like keeping in touch with a favourite family member.

I don't see how it can be in the children's best interests to not have contact with you tbh, you have been an important part of their lives.

anji9012 · 14/12/2011 13:29

Watching this with interest, will have to deal with this ourselves some time soon, (waiting for a forever family)
Hmm

addictediam · 14/12/2011 13:42

My parents were foster carers (we plan on fostering once our children are older)
The last child they fostered was a baby girl. She was 3 weeks old when she came to us and 2.5 when she was adopted. She was the last because my mum was heart broken at saying goodbye to her. Tbh we all were, I was 12 and remember the day like it was yesterday!

I dont have any advice but just wanted to say be strong and know that this move is in their best intrests. Another child will come along that needs you more than these do, they are going back to family :), the new child will have no where to go and you will make a huge diffrence to that child's life, just as you have done with these children.

threeandcounting · 14/12/2011 15:58

Sorry, can't offer any advice, but can appreciate how you feel.

Both me and dp have been asking the same question. We have had lo since birth and lo is now 7 months old. I feel I have completely bonded with him and we are already dreading the day he goes, although that maybe not for some time yet (hopefully) as not sure what the plan is for his long term future.

Enjoy Christmas with your little ones, and I am sure there will be lots of hand holding on mn for you when you need it.

You will have made a huge difference in their lives x

EllenandBump · 14/12/2011 17:05

Its probably better for them TO KEEP IN CONTACT with you, you have been a massive part of their lives and their emotional up bringing.

You should be proud of all that you have done for you, and their family should be grateful that you have looked after them so well.

BIG HUGS (sounds like you need them. )

xxx

scarlet5tyger · 14/12/2011 18:59

Hi Buster, I've been through what you're going through now a couple of times and although it's never easy it does get easiER. It's true that the first move is the hardest. I'm still in contact with the first child I had but to be honest I find it really difficult to see her - I wasn't happy about where she went or the care she's now receiving and I always come away wishing I could bring her back with me. It's nowhere near as strong as it was the first time I saw her though - probably because I have my hands full with other foster children now - and I do have all the lovely memories to think back on.

Make sure you take lots of videos now, if you have a video camera. If you don't then buy one! I treasure the videos I have of all the children who've moved on from me.

The first few days after they go are the hardest - I try and cross my placements over now so I don't have that empty nest feeling. On the other hand you might want a bit of time to yourself - just make sure you have plenty of treats planned.

One of my own current LOs is also leaving shortly after Christmas and I'm going to miss him terribly as he's been with me since birth. I'm planning to make the most of Christmas with him then get that bed filled as quickly as I can!

scarlet5tyger · 14/12/2011 19:05

Sorry, me again! Just read this part of Buster's post - I think its just the fact that I may drop them off one day, and its then decided that they don't come back that night.. or ever.. probably for the best so they don't see me cry

This shouldn't happen. There should be a proper handover plan, with the children spending increasing amounts of time with family before leaving you. This gives both yourself and the children time to prepare for the move. I'd be complaining to the highest level if a child who thought they were just going for a visit never came back to me - your home is their home at the moment after all.

Original poster
BusterTheDonk · 14/12/2011 19:42

To be honest scartlet.. I raised this earlier with my SSW, as I think it may lead to insecurities/trust issues with the kids, and I don't think its a good way to start their new lives..

It was on the advice of the kids SW that it happened like this.. and that SS would come for the clothes/toys etc the next day.. and that I shouldn't say anything to them about the move.. again, I think a bit of age appropriate preparation would help here..

I guess they've all got their opinions about how it should be done, and as its my first I just sort of took her advice, but the more I thought about it, the more uncomfortable I felt, and thankfully my SSW was horrified that she was making us do it like this... emails are flying around to hopefully come to the best decision..

They are just beginning to spend more time with their new family - I'm supporting that fully and feel really positive about it - I just don't want to feel like right at the end, I "tricked" them... Sad

Also agree with EllenandBump in that I want any contact to happen between us in the future to be at the parents initiation.. its their call (literally) as to whether they think it'll be beneficial and not unsettling.. maybe after a couple of months a quick pop in to see them for a brew?

Thanks for all your support everyone.. keep it coming!!

OP posts:
SquidgyBrain · 18/12/2011 12:51

BTD - short on time just now but my LO leaves in the new year too - we can hold each others hands - we will get through it promise we will

Original poster
BusterTheDonk · 19/12/2011 11:59

Oh poor you too Squidge.. Sad

We are now doing some things (unbeknown to the kids) for "the last time".. trying so so hard to feel positive about it all.. just have weak moments every minute or so now and again.

Least we got the SW to back down Shock & agree we can 'prepare' them..

Give all your LO's a special cuddle

OP posts:
Rubyx · 20/12/2011 00:35

i don't know how i will take it, my first placement was for 4 days and i still miss the little girls smile and the boys boisterousness.... my current is going to be around 5 months and i kind off have a leaving date so am focussing on that and trying not to get too attached, but i look at her and smile and just feel those heartstrings getting pulled.. nothing you can do about that,, otherwise you couldn't foster i suppose... hope it goes smoothly, take some time out for yourselves go on a weekend away or something

EarthMotherImNot · 20/12/2011 07:14

I hate to be the bearer of bad news Buster but Dh and I fostered over 80 little ones, many of whom were placed for adoption. From the first in 1989 to the last this year, it never got any easier.

The only up-side was that I learned I would recover and move on. Funnily enough many of the lo's have visited with their parents once they settle into their new lives and when they arrive not only do they not recognize us, I don't feel the same bond towards them. They "belong" to someone else now.

I hope this helps. Due to illness I may not be able to return to fostering and I'd give anything to be in your shoes right nowSmile

Original poster
BusterTheDonk · 20/12/2011 14:54

Thank you for taking the time to respond EMIN (and everyone else..) .. I know you are having your own struggles of your own at the moment... I remember too well your pain at your last LO leaving Sad

The day after boxing day we are going to try and explain in really simple exciting words what is happening... I think it will break her heart.. ours too..

Just at this moment I hate, hate, hate my 'job'.. I love the kids.. just hate this bit... I pray I've got the strength to keep putting myself through it...

x x

OP posts:
EarthMotherImNot · 20/12/2011 15:55

A wiser person than me once said that you should consider this the price you pay for the joy you've had. Seems a bit expensive sometimes thoughSad

Moomoomie · 20/12/2011 16:11

Ellenandbump.... The term is " birth mum " not real mum. Because I for one will tell you my 3 girls are mine. I am their real mum and always will be.
Op. you sound a fantastic foster care. We have seen two different sorts of foster cares with our adopted girls.
I will say you have done so much for these children. Good attachment, firm boundaries. Unconditional love. I wish their we're more foster cares like you.
We still keep in touch with our youngests FC.
They have become good friends.

EllenandBump · 21/12/2011 17:22

sorry no offence meant to anyone with the term real mum sorry did mean birth mum, A parent is a parent based on the love and care they give and not the genetics

Moomoomie · 22/12/2011 10:43

None taken. Ellen. It is just a bugbear of mine.

TulipsfromAmsterdam · 22/12/2011 11:06

Good luck BusterTheDonk. Can feel the pain you are going through and this thread has had me in tears.
We are in the middle of our assessment and I think this must be one of the hardest things to deal with as foster carers.
Have a lovely Christmas with your little people and hope everything works out well :)

chocaholic2011 · 22/12/2011 16:30

We are the same, first placement, from birth will be moving on early next year so can I join the hand holding??? Lol!!! Sw have now started talking about a specific couple which sort of makes it a bit easier I think!!! For the person who has adopted would you mind posting about things you found helpful/unhelpful for the foster carer to do during the intro weeks?? Or anyone else with any experience/tips!!! Xx

Moomoomie · 22/12/2011 20:52

We have adopted twice, so have been in contact with two sets of FC. Both poles apart from each other.
I will admit the second carers were far and away the best.
With the first I felt like I was taking their children away from them. I was not. I was trying to get to know my daughters, who they had been looking after. I could do nothing right in her eyes, and she made the intro week an ordeal, that it did not need to be.
The second family were a joy, they new we were her mum and dad from the onset. From the moment they placed that dear little baby in my arms, they never picked her up, or did anything with her, unless asking me first.
They welcomed us into their homes and lives, and the intro was a joy.
We are still in touch with them and see them a few times a year. They still are FC and still doing a fantastic job.
I think the best advice I can give is, to remember the new family will be as nervous as you, they will have been waiting for this time for so long. Just go with the flow don't follow the set pattern to the letter.
Sorry for the essay.

threeandcounting · 22/12/2011 21:36

BusterTheDonk - Hope you don't mind me asking, but how long has it taken from the decision that lo's are going to a forever family and actually making the move?

Trying to prepare myself for how long we will have...

Thanks for starting this thread, it's nice to know others are in the same position as I find it hard to explain to other friends at times how hard I think this is going to be...

minceorotherwise · 22/12/2011 21:42

Just wanted to say, you lot are amazing. No idea how you do what you do, but without people like you these children's lives would not be enhanced and quite often saved.