how to cope when gone

[danceteacher]

we have been fostering a 11 month old baby since leaving hospital at 6 weeks old. the change in l/o is unbelieavable. from a screaming baby who was badly with drawing to a very clever bright lovable little character! l/o is being adoptated in the next few weeks and we dont know how we are going to cope. its our first baby placement and we all love him as our own. hes had no contact with birth family so has only known us. any advice would be greatly appreciated.

No advice as we are just starting on the journey and applying but wanted to send you ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))).

If it helps.............my friend adopted a 9 month old baby who had been with F/C since birth. They are a lovely family and LO has adjusted really well. She is now 4yrs old and a very happy, loved little girl.

Sharon xx

I would love to sugar coat my reply but that would be doing you a disservice.

It will be horrible.
It will be heartbreaking.
It will be an emotional nightmare.:(

BUT..............it will get better slowly and when your next placement arrives-that lo will need all of the love and care shown towards it that you have poured into this lo.I don't know about you but I cannot foster properly unless I pour everything into the lo and that leaves you bruised and sore when they leave but for me it is the right thing to do and imperative (in my book) for me to do my job properly I have to love them completely and as if they were my own.

The safe,secure and loving environment that you have provided means that this little fella is now ready to be adopted and you should be so proud of yourself.A fantastic job well done and there are plenty more who will need the same loving input from you.

Even though I don't know you I am sending you lots of cuddles and positive thoughts-I know exactly how you feel and I really empathise with you.

There is a wonderful mumsnetter called EMIN who has much,much more experience than I on this subject-she fosteres only babies now so hopefully she will find your post and reply-all I can do is offer you my best wishes.

Love Minnerva xx

A friend of mine fostered a lo for 2 years from her drug dependant birth. She was adopted about a year ago. My friend had a family picture done professionally the day before saying goodbye. She does feel a loss but knows that lo is very happy and secure in her new home and that it was because of her that lo had the start in life she really needed. The photo hangs in her lounge next to one of another child who went on to be adopted too. She said you will always miss them. It never gets any easier to let them go but by keeping a photo it reminds you that what you yourselves go through is for the greater good of the children that need you. Allow yourself to be sorry that they are leaving and feel what you need to feel. Letting go is never easy on the heart and you should let out those feelings before accepting and moving forward. I am sure you will barely have time to put away the toys before another lo needs the love of your family again. I hope this helps in some way.

nothing useful to say having never experienced what you are going through, just wanted to send you thoughts and hugs

I,v just experienced this from the opposite side .
Yesterday me and hubby picked up a 9 yr old girl who we are now permanently fostering ,she had been with her foster carers for 2 years ( short term placement! ).
We felt like child snatchers as the lovely foster carer was understandably distrought and we had to drive away with a sobbing child in the back of the car .
We have made arrangements for the carer and our fds sister ,who is still with the carer to come to ours for tea in a couple of weeks when hopefully the child will be a bit more settled.I think this has helped the child and the previous carer.
I dont suppose these situations can be avoided and cause so much heartache for the children and the carers who have to let them go after months and sometimes even years.
Try and think of the good you have done for the child and take comfort in that .
best wishes caz x

Hi danceteacher

As Minnerva says (ps thanks Minnerva)
it will be horrible and awful and the worst feeling in the world, but......that means you've done a super job!

Imagine caring for a child you don't love, how much worse would that be?

You have loved this lo and done your utmost for him and thats all you can do.

I always write a long letter to lo telling them about their time with us, how much we loved them and how hard it was to let them go.

I cry buckets while I write it and I have to go back to it many times before it's finished.

I find doing this strangely cathartic.

Allow yourselves to grieve, it's normal and honestly it does get better.

That time is a great healer cliche is actually true.

Good luck

thank you all for your lovely messages. i am the same as you minnerva you can not do your job properly if you dont fall in love with them, and who could not after all this tiny little one has been through! we thought nieveley at the begining that something inside would hold back as the child was not a birth child. how wrong were we its made us all love him even more. weve had our s/s/w here this evening and she talked to our children to see how they were feeling,but we do feel we cant open up in front of her as she seems to analise everything!
emin that is such a brilliant idea about writing a letter as we have made him a memory box.
l/o will always hold a special place in our hearts as he was our first baby and longest placement, as we are new to fostering. i just dread the quiet in the daytime when hes gone.

I too don't know how i would/will cope in this situation.

I too believe you have to allow yourself to fall in love with them - how can you not.

Our 2 lo's turned up with a teddy and their toothbrushes in hand - nothing else. That image makes me cry now and I think will stay with me always.

Some people already are saying 'oh, i couldn't look after 'other peoples' kids'.. my answer is that it doesn't matter - they are "kids" - it doesn't matter past that.

In theory I think that well, i have to let them go, it was always part of the deal, and to let them go will make room for new ones, but I can imagine myself now sobbing typing messages on here looking for a way to cope.

You sound like you have done amazing things - you should be very proud of yourselves and I'm sure he will be in your hearts forever. I wish I could say losing the first will be the hardest, but I think if you do your 'job' (ha) properley, it will never get easier.

From the sounds of yet, your days won't be quiet for that long if social services are worth their salt - they'll be asking you to take on more in no time.

From a very inexperienced carer, a HUGE HUG to you all.. talk about the hardest job in the world!!! Hold on to the good you have done, and have in you still to do for some other lo's.

:)

danceteacher

Your comment about thinking you could hold back reminded me of a placement we had in our very early days as foster carers when a baby was placed with us aged around 1 year old.

It quickly became apparent that lo had a problem which needed surgery urgently and I was asked if I could go into hospital with lo and stay with her.

I agreed naturally but it turned out that surgery meant the lo's life would be more of a challenge from then on in (don't want to identify exactly what surgery for confidentiality)

The entire time I waited with lo until her op I kept silently telling myself

"this isn't my child, this isn't my child, I can do this!"

This worked until I had to carry her to theatre and hold her while they gave her an injection.

They assured me she would be out for the count as soon as the jab went in.
As I left the room ushered out by a nurse I peeked back and lo said, quite clearly, "mama"

I lost it big time and cried for the entire time she was in surgery.
We cared for that lo for 3 years and, to this day, she remains my secret favourite placement.

Hi danceteacher

read this yesterday but didn't have time to reply, everyone has given you good advice, esp about the lettera and memory box. I always do a book about thier life with us and as enim say's its very healing.

I usually do all my crying and griveing befor the child goes, i find the actual handover very hard, so that when they have gone it's a relief its all over. if that makes sense. I do still really miss them and as someone says it does not get easier the more you do. they are all hard.

BUT and its a big but - you are hepling to make a family, you are giving the new family something they have wanted and yearned for for a very long time. Just imagine that for a moment, imagine thier joy and happiness.

that is what keeps me going really, knowing i have done the best i can for that child and knowing how much htye will be loved and wanted.

Plan something nice for you and your family in the days after your lo goes, something special.

Keep a few mementos too, a memory box for your family is a good idea, you can add to it with each placement.Then in the future you can look back with happiness.

Remember what a good job you have done and be kind to yourself and before you know it the next lo one will be with you and you will have survived and thrived.

hi all
a quick update. we started introductions this week. things are going ok and are very intense. lo seems to like them, but will still seek us for comfort. at what point should lo be comforted by them and not looking for us?
as for how we are all feeling we havent had time to dwell on it yet, but im sure thats just around the corner!

Hi danceteacher, intro's are intense aren't they. Often feels like your home isn't your own anymore no matter how nice the new family are.

Your lo will probably still look to you for comfort until you aren't there anymore, if you see what I mean

When is lo due to move? and (nosy) do you like them?

hi enin
lo due to move next weds. we do like them, but not sure if they are right for lo. theres health issues that i cant go into, which just makes us concerned about lo safety. but hey what do we know as we are just 'foster carers'. lo seems to like them, but is always looking out for us.im sure it will all be fine and we are just over protective! god we will miss him though.

"we are just foster carers" I know exactly what you mean.

It took me quite a while before the penny dropped that our opinions as foster carers only ever mattered if they were the social services opinions as well.

Oddly enough adopters are very often more worried about the foster carers than the social workers opinions of them. I've lost count of the families who've said afterwards "we were so scared you wouldn't like us and we wouldn't be given the lo"

On occasion I have felt that social services were making a (whisper) mistake and have been made to feel that I'm just jealous of them if I've spoken up.

Really all you can do is note everything down and pray.

It's awful when they leave though so I do feel for you

lo s/w was here on the first meeting and saw something happen with regards to a cup of hot coffee and lo hand. but if they saw that and are still quite happy with the match, then anything we say will only hinder ourselfs. we also feel abit like what you see is not always what you get with them.like they are trying to impress us.
would it be a good idea to take notes of their meetings or would they think this is unapropriate?
its soooo good to have someone to talk to about it who knows how this all works apart from s/s.

Sorry danceteacher, only just been able to get some free time. New baby possibly arriving next week so social worker been on and off the phone all afternoon.

I wouldn't personally take notes while they were with you but I'd note stuff down as soon as they left, and I'd discuss it with my link worker as well as the lo's social worker. Don't worry too much about hindering yourself, hopefully ss will see it for what it is, your concern for lo's safety.

Adopters are usually very nervous of anything "going wrong" so they will be trying to impress you but lo's safety should be paramount.

sorry emin just got back from work. think we will mention something to link worker, but she seems to read into things. we were acussed once of wishing lo of having an illness after being given the all clear for it, to make it harder for lo to be addopted and we could keep lo longer.you can imagine what she was told to do!

Hi danceteacher, I've recently adopted an 11 month old baby girl who was fostered from birth. She is a very special little girl, and was very special to her foster carer, who clearly loved her to bits. One of the things they don't warn you about in adoption preparation is how you will feel like an evil child snatcher as you take a baby away from the only mother figure she has ever known. I know her foster carer found it very, very hard to let her go.

It's probably no consolation to you right now, but I want you to know how very deeply we appreciate all the love and care the foster carer gave our little girl, helping her overcome a traumatic start to life and blossom into a sunny, funny, bright little character. She was up all hours of the night, every night, to help a troubled little soul feel safe in the world. She opened her heart, offering complete love despite knowing that the child would be taken away. Our daughter came to us with bag upon bag upon bag of presents bought for her by her foster carer, along with pictures for her wall, little baby bangles etc. But more importantly, she came to us from someone who gave everything she had to try to amend for her rough start to life.

Our daughter's foster carer has been the most important person in her life thus far, and no words can express how deeply we appreciate that. We hope to maintain contact and visits so that she can always play a part in our daughter's life. We will always be grateful to her.

thank you hester. what a lovely sensitive person you are. i think its wonderful that you still allow contact with foster carer, sadly i get the impresion that we wont get this privalage. lo is such a star and has come from being well behind in development to being 6 months advanced in age. adopters have however mentioned sending our children birthday cards with pictures, so fingers crossed they will.
emin forgot to mention you must be so excited about your new placement and what a lucky lo to be placed with you.

What a lovely post hester As foster carers we pray our adopters will be just like you.

Mostly we have been lucky and are still in touch/have visits from quite a few of our previous placements.

There are a minority of adopters who drive off into the sunset never to be heard from again but, thankfully, they are the minority.

Our last adoptive family send us updates regularly and were kind enough and generous enough to invite us to lo's baptism recently.
I cannot begin to tell you how much that meant to Dh and I.

danceteacher, thank you we are very excited knowing that an as yet unborn baby will be joining us soon and not a little nervous as we still have a 7 month old here.

I wonder if we qualify as totally mad

emin i think we are all mad, you have to be to be a foster carer. lo is having a sleepover tonight with new parents.how horrible does it feel here without lo. its sooo quiet and i keep going to check los bedroom and then remember. im sooo not looking forward to waving goodbye.

danceteacher - you will be fine (keep saying it to yourself and you may just believe it)

we are all here to hold your hand.

when is moving day?

Thats very young to have a sleepover danceteacher! Our local authority doesn't factor sleepovers in until the child is older, say around 2.

It must be very hard for you I will be thinking of you this week.

oh my god tomorrow is d day. im a complete mess now, i dont know how im going to stand there and wave goodbye tomorrow. it feels like im giving my own baby away. i know hes going to have a lovely life and caring parents but its still a horrible feeling letting go.

Huge hugs!

Having not yet get to the point you are at yet, I have no words of advice, but hang in there

we will all be here holding your hand and offering shoulders and tissues

Hoping that it is as easy as possible