Army wife....do I or don't I????

[gr8kids]

Sorry for long post - Can anyone please help. I would like to know the ins and outs of army life. We've been living apart and now feel it's time for me and the kids to move with him (probably next year when his back from Afghan. It will be alot cheaper. It's costing too much at the mo. DD is 15, DD 10 and DS 3. The biggest worry I have is that DH mentioned that pending on the situation we might have to put kids in boarding school, over my dead body will I do that. I am a full time mum right now and the children are my life. I'm planning on doing a 2 year part-time course in Sep to get a sports massage diploma. So confused as to whether moving with him next year would be a good thing. Any advice please would be much appreciated as I'm tearing my hair out at all the things that could go wrong. Worried I won't fit in with all the army wives, I'm completely clueless to army life.

Don't worry -I know someone who has just recently married someone in the army and she's moving her 3 children into a married quarter with him. Until they married, she also knew very little about army life but has learnt very quickly because she's had to (removals/MQs ect).
The negs from you moving are:
is your 15yo doing gcscs this year or next/
Can you do your course in many places in the uk?

The pro's are:
The army is like one big family most of the time and there are loads of people who will help you with things you need to know.
When your dh is away, there'll be friends you can rely on to take the kids from you for a rest, pick up from school etc if you get caught at pick up etc.
You get to see loads of lovely places in the uk and abroad.
Your children will become more socially able to interact with others and very adaptable.
The army welfare service make it their business to look after families as much as they can.

we're moving back with DH next year as we just can't carry on living apart; not good for the children or our marriage. I can't wait to get back to where everyone knows your circumstances and you don't have to spend forever doing small talk with civvies who aren't as good at making the effort with newcomers (I speak for myself).

Thank you sooo much I now feel that its not the end of the world and know exactly what you feel when it comes to civvies and small talk. So sick and tired of these woman who complain about having their husbands work late and never there at tea time to take over blah blah blah. What about 24/7?? Anyways, I think it will be a good thing and needs to be done as you said for a few good reasons. Eldest is busy doing GCSEs now. Not sure about the course though but will look into that. Eldest dd is going away for an adventure week through british legion in August, thats her first time and should be good for her to meet teenagers in the same situation as her. She is very against the idea of moving so not sure what will happen with her. Although not sure if we should just make her come along. She could do college anywhere surely.

boarding schools - some do, some don't. if he picks up an o'seas posting where the curriculum is not compatible with the educational stage of your dcs (generally only gcses/ a levels tbh) then you would have to decide whether you were going to let him go unaccompanied again. but it is likely that the kids would move schools frequently, and it depends on the dcs how they will cope with that. dd1 is 10 (grade 5/ yr 5) and in her fifth school. it hasn't affected her educationally (still top set/ g&t/ local able child program/ whatever/ wherever we are) and she is a very well rounded girl who is used to making friends etc. the other two have been a bit luckier (at 8 and 6 only in their second school - although if you add in pre-schools you are talking about 4th and 6th settings lol). here there are only a couple of families with dcs in boarding school. most kids are here in the local school. (we are in an isodet o'seas). if you are the sort of person who wants their child to go private, then the army gives you that option, but it's by no means a given. clearly if you do take the boarding school option, then you are expected to go wherever you are sent . my mil would kill me - she spent her whole life trawling her children round the globe. my dd1 was born in germany, ds1 was born in canada, and dd2 was born in scotland. they get packed too

as luciemule says - people are in the same boat, so once you have made a bit of an effort into integrating into the community, there are plenty of hands willing to help out if you need them.

work/ study - can be a bit more complex as you never really know if you are going to be in one place long enough to finish the course/ become established in the job (or find someone to employ you if they know you are moving next year...)

that said, i've managed to study (on and off) for a degree and two masters (one pending finishing as we keep moving...) and i do work, although it is very much on a 'what's available' basis at each location. currently we are o'seas and i work in a local credit union. the remoteness of the post means there aren't really any skilled jobs available, but the enormous cultural benefits and experience for the family outweighs the downsides (taking one for the team )

as for 'fitting in' - we aren't exactly identikit stepfords, so i'm not sure which particular stereotype you don't think you fit into... (but i can guess)

our patch includes radio presenters, lawyers, nurses, teachers, bank clerks, sahms, jewellery makers, party planners, brownie leaders, sports fanatics (assuming you are sporty, there are a million freebie opportunities to make the most of), professional triathletes, chefs, tarot readers, librarians, counsellors, nct breastfeeding counsellors, and a few ex-military (who generally don't shout about it). most of them aren't working here, so about 70% are sahms. we are a pretty eclectic bunch! like anywhere else, you make friends as you go, and pass the time of day with everyone else.

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lol, don't want to talk to me, then?

So sorry, wasn't meant to do that You've given me alot to think about. I suppose it's difficult right now to know whats going to happen especially because we haven't a clue where he'll be sent. Feel excited yet anxious. Such a big move. Scary stuff...because once we move we can't go back to how it was. What if....who knows hey!

that's the thing, really. it sort of is putting your life into someone else's hands from a location point of view. once you know where you will be it's much easier to get your head round it, look at schools/ colleges/ activities/ jobs etc.

it can be quite fun, once you've got used to moving so much.

You can go back to how it was if you rent out your house and then have an MQ. If you don't like it and find you preferred the space for yourself, then give the tenants notice and move back. For RN wives this is quite common, so you'll get time living together, time weekending and sea time, and then it all starts again.

Know what you mean about some Army wives though - I spend time actively avoiding some of them as they'll rope me into something, and I do not want to play. My life suits me and I don't want to do stuff for the bazaar / car boot / coffee mornings etc etc.

Yes, I can imagine it to be fun. Change is as good as a holiday and all that... Well it's what we both want so one way or another after the initial shock I reckon it should be ok. (well fingers crossed) Got to try and be open minded about all of it.

We moved from s coast up to London when DH was sent to Northwood. Children were small and I wasn't working...why not?

Fast forward 2 years, and we're still in London, children are settled at school, nursery, and I have a great job I like....and DH is in Middle East.

While I am sort of on a patch, to be honest I don't really mix with others...it is a matter of time (or lack of), and not because I am antisocial!! I catch up with some at birthday parties...but can't be doing with military wives of a certain type.

Go for it, I would say. If it doesn't work out, there are other options, and if you are happy to move around, boarding school shouldn't be necessary....although there is obviously continuity of education to consider.

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I have to say, and I know this isn't the same for all families, we've never had a problem with schools. They have always been lovely. As long as you have a look at the website, go and see them if you can etc, then you can find some really nice ones. Luckily, we've always known friends who's kids have gone to the same schools/preschools so if you choose carefully, continuity of education shouldn't be a problem.

As it turns out, the school we specifically chose when moving back into our own house last year, isn't as great as I first thought..... despite it having been my old primary.
My top tip - if you like the head, then you're onto a winner! If not, you're up the creek with no paddle!

The idea would be to move with him to Chilwell, thats in Nottingham. Now obviously I don't have alot to do with army life but have heard a few things that it's awful rough over there and schools are bad. Its so scary not knowing. Feel like I have no control of what's going to happen.

If you drive, couldn't you send your children to a school further away. Some of my friends drive 10/12 miles to take their kids to a nice school.

Yes I do drive. I'll have to check into the schools and see what they like. I have no facts on any of the schools or anything. Maybe if there are any forces wives that are in Chilwell, I'd appreciate some information please.

I married and moved in with my husband just over 2 years ago now, aged 31 and having lived in 'civvy street' my whole life. I have three children from my first marriage who are now aged 14,9 and 6.

My children have adjusted well to the life here (we are in Northern Ireland and live inside the wire) and have lots of friends. Having always hated the idea of boarding schools and saying I would never, ever send my children to one, my eldest weekly boards (he is home every weekend) at a school an hour or so away as the nearest comp. is horrendous. We did look at teh local Grammar too, but DS decided he preferred the boarding school when we looked around, and he loves it there so much. In fact, DS2 is nagging like mad to be able to attend the same boarding school and has been doing so for the last 18 months!

I haven't adjusted so well to life in an army family/as an army wife. I hate that it can be very cliquey and the gossip and back stabbing can be horrendous. One new wife here was actually forced to go and live unaccompanied as some of the other wives 'ganged' up against her and the welfare office were about as useful as a chocolate teapot at helping her. I do expect that is the exception rather than the norm, but nevertheless!

There are a lot of benefits to army life, and they do outweigh the negatives, but it can just take a bit of adjusting to really.

Thank you for your message midori. It helps to hear all sides of life in the army. Just wish I knew if I'm making the right move.

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Bottom line is that HE is in the Army not you. Yes, there seems to be an Army wife stereotype, I've met several in Brussels, but underneath it all they are women and mums just like you or I, and whatever their husbands may be, the wives do not have the rank, so any attempt to come one over should be met with 'Oh? and what's the date of your commission?' or, 'I didn't realise wives had ranks, I thought we were civilians'.

You don't have to 'fit in' with anything; you've been doing your own thing for years now presumably like I had. I still do my own thing on my own terms. If I like people or want to get involved in something I do; if I don't, then I won't. For instance, we are in Brussels, have been for 4 years. I've chosen to get involved with ds's school, not the Forces community. Some of my friends are Forces wives, but that's because I've met them through school things, not because we've gone to Forces things and met there and all we have in common is the job.

It's different for me perhaps as dh is Navy, and there isn't the expectation that we move around with out dh's like the Army families tend to, but that is beginning to change, you're proof of that.

I think you need to suck it and see. I moved here on the basis that if it didn't work, I could go home again. Why not do that?

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I am about to move to live with my husband in RAF quarters. I really didn't want to move as my kids are settled in school here. I was an army wife years ago and it was not ideal for me. I have been told that things are different now. I miss my husband so much and want to live with him. I just hope the kids will be fine too.

I can completely understand why you are nervous. I am too. But I think we will be fine. For me its about keeping my family together in one place.

Sorry you feel the same as me. Wish I could give you advice to help. Its so tough knowing whats right or wrong. As you I also miss him soooo much and don't enjoy him being away from us. Kids taking it hard too. It doesn't seem to be getting any easier being away from him. Our kids are also settled and thats the reason I never moved with him but like you say its keeping the family together thats important. If we together as a family surely that should help get through life a little easier.

I am an army wife and have been for the last 15 years. I have three kids 15, 13, and 8 and have enjoyed every minute of being married to the army. We have moveed around a lot and my husband has had lots of postings which we have always followed him around including overseas. My boys are very well rounded and i dont feel that all the changes they have had in their lives has had any negative effects on them. I do get lonely when he is away for long periods but my kids keep me going and everything i do i do for them. My kids have a variety of activities that they partake in and i think that this helps to pass time when we are on our own. Education wise they are all doing well at school and i feel that moving around has not effected this it has just given me three boys that can adapt to any situation and are very sociable.
I am proud to be an army wife and would not want it any other way.

Thank you mumo I am certainly feeling much better now after alot of thought and know this is the right way to go. This is what needs to happen as a family. Really looking forward to it now and quite excited actually. Havent told kids yet as waiting till dh back from afghan when he will be away from nov this year till may. Don't know how the kids will take it but at the end of the day we their parents and we decide what the best things are for them and we both know this is the right way to go. Its going to be lovely....obviously not without up and downs but then again thats just life.

mumofthree - how have the boys coped with leaving their friends every couple of years or have you been lucky enough to remain in a posting for a good few years at a time?