Anyone elses DH go quiet on them while they're away??

[Mercy2]

My hubby, is a fantastic, loving man and an
amazing father! when he's at home!

He's been away an aful lot training with the
BRF unit to deploy to Afghan in March.

He's great when he's here, but when he goes
away he goes ages without texting or
calling.
The last few weeks he's been away and has
most evenings and weekends free.
He just doesn't call.
he never asks how me and his son are, and
when i ask him why? he says he doesn't know!
This time, its been 13days since he last
called, and he's switched off his mobile.
His friend's wife said he was actually sat with her DH when they were talking on the
phone but said he wasn't gonna call.
GGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

When he comes home in 2 weeks, he'll expect
me to just slip back into our normal life.
Its driving me insane. I keep bursting into
tears. I know its so hard for him, and he
works so hard. But I wish he would make the
most of the chances to talk to us before he
goes away for 7 months.

I'm so angry with him but dont want to spend
our last weeks before he goes away by
argueing.

Any advice from wise ladies welcome

X X X X X X X

My dh used to be like that, and it is difficult.
Sadly something had to happen to shock him out of this behaviour...however, it is not something I would advice, iykwim.
I think all you can do is talk to him and try to make him understand how you feel.

Sorry, I reaLLY DON'T HAVE ANY ADVICE, (ooops, caps lock) , but just wanted you to know that your dh isn't the only one behaving like that.

thanks hun, I have tried talking to him.
Its gotten so hard, I sat and talked it through with him over xmas. He promised he'd never do it again.
I just don't know what to do.
It started the las time he was in Afgan, when he went 5 weeks without calling. And he was in camp Bastion where there are lots of phones.

I know i have to shock him somehow, just dont know what.

I would hate myself for the whole 7 months if we argued loads before he went away!

Thanks for ur reply.
x x

You have my sympathy. My DH is similar - but he's like that whenever he's out of the house, so I'm used to it!

Is it possible your DH finds it much harder to be away from the family than he likes to admit? There seems to be such a contrast between the home DH and the away DH.

I think that sometimes living in the present i.e. focussing on where you are and what you are doing helps you not to miss your 'other life' so desperately. I'm not making excuses for him. You need more contact and he needs to understand that. I'm just suggesting there may be a genuine reason for his actions in that he could be operating a self-preservation tactic to help him get through the tours.

hey, motherofgirls, i agree. I don't think he does it intentionally. HE's a lovely sweet man, and to be honest, sometimes a bit of a softie. on the quiet of course. lol.

Its just such a silly thing for me to get upset by. It can be so easily rectified.
I am such an understanding person, and I'm willing to be there for whenever he needs me etc, but i just want a wee text every once in a while.
Its making me feel that he doesn't care about us.

Thanks
M x x

I think the worst thing is when other wives are getting the texts and phone calls! If all the boys were the same, it wouldn't be so bad but I know I always feel unloved and resentful when others tell me how often their DH gets in touch when he's away from home. We have been married almost 15 years and I am still learning to rise above it!

I tell myself he knows I'm strong and independant and can manage perfectly well on my own. This is all true and I'm sure the same goes for you, M. If you try really hard, you can see it as a compliment

You could be describing exactly how i am feeling! lovely to know that there's someone who understands!
Cheers hunny x

And lovely for me to hear not everyone's husband is in touch all the time! Perhaps we should start a support group!!!

Yep, I may get a text if I text him first, but that is about all, he never phones (never has and I have given up asking him too, but then again he never used to phone his parents either!)

He went to South Africa Saturday, I have had a text to say he got there.

That is all, nothing else on it, just 'Got here OK'

Men!

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus - it's so true!

Mercy2 and MotherOfGirls I know how you feel I had that when DH was away, but when I did ask him, why there was no e-mails or calls he said the que was really long and after a long day he couldn't be arsed to wait for them to become free. My friend had that and her DH had e-mail access everyday and still didn't e-mail.
It's not a silly thing to get upset about when they're out there it's natural to worry when you don't hear anything, what would your DH say if you didn't contact him ie. no letters, no parcels and no e-mails with pics of DC attached.

it has gotten a little out of hand now. His Sgt Maj has wind of the fact he doesn't call. He's only training for Afghan at the min, but hasn't phoned for almost 3 weeks.
He's switched off his phone. We haven't argued, or had any probs,and he's had EVERY night off free to contact us. . In fact befor he left we were really happy.

My little boy has been poorly and needs to go to hospital for further tests that my DH doesn't even know about.!
Anyhow, my friends hubby is a Cpt, and he's apparently let rip about DH, saying he's treted me really badly, but still he hasn't phoned. and there Sgt Maj has gone mad!! says he needs to giv his wife some(and i quote), "DAM RESPECT!!!"

I feel that its been taken outa my hands now, and goten a little out of hand.
I don't know if i should'vbe stopped it getting so far!??
I am dreading him going to Afghan, if its this bad when he's only a few hours away, what'll it be like when he's in Afghan??

M x

I'm sure it isn't your fault it has escalated. If your DS is poorly, his dad needs to know about it. The very least he can do is to check in with you from time to time to make sure everyone is okay.

I hope having other people involved will make him realise the impact of his actions.

Thanks hun,
Still no phonecall today, in spte of all this happening I am totally at my whitts end with it.
I don't know what to do. .
I am not even angry any more, i've gone past that stage. I just want him to care enough to phone.
I think he's too stubborn and stupid to realise that he can put it all right by calling! He was supposed to have a long weekend this week, but i've found out today that he's been put on to work through it.
He hasn't even had the decency to let me know that. As far as heknows i will be waiting to c him on friday!!

SO FED UP WITH IT ALL!!!!

Sorry for moaning, I don't have many friends over here, and the 2 i do have are surely sick of hearing about it now x x M x x

You poor thing. I do know where you are coming from. My DH's behaviour often leaves me feeling he doesn't care, which leads to my confidence taking a dip and me generally being miserable. Obviously, when I'm miserable he is even less likely to do and say the things I'd like him to.

I know it won't help at this moment, but have you thought about counseling? Sometime when he is around, of course! Relate can be very good (although not cheap) and may help you each to understand the other's thoughts and feelings.

In the meantime, try to remember how good it can be when he is at home.

Oh god,, It just got worse.
His OC just phoned me, now they think there's something psychological wrong with him!!! I tried to explain there's nothing wrong but its just how he is.
I know that his behaviur in totally unnacceptable, especially as he has a baby now.
Its just crazy as it seems to hav blown up totally out of proportion. .

I do think that 3 weeks without phoning is awful, especially as he has been told that our son is not well.

I could really do without this just a month before he goes to Afghan!!!!

GOD i HATE being a bloody army wife sometimes.
Really sorry, as i know i am starting to RANT on about it...
M x x x

It doesn't seem right and I would be extremely concerned and upset if I was you. Perhaps it shows the system is working? I hope that between you everything can be worked out - and if the OC is able to facilitate that, so much the better.

Good luck with it all. I hope you resolve things before he goes to Afganistan.

The Oc phoned me this evening and said I was a "FLAPPING ARMY WIFE". I wasn't flapping! i just wan my husband to be back to normal.
I didn't even want his blooming bosses involved!

HE lied and said everyone had there phones taken off them! its rubbish, he's just bck-tracking now! I know this isn't true coz My DH's mate has been textin me to see if I am ok! TYPICAL!!!!!

My DH is only a L/CPL and we live on the Patch in Northern Ireland. (HOLYWOOD).
Our families officer is away in England and the 2IC isn't very approachable.

I am just gonna sit tight and wait, I think my DH needs to talk to someone, but with him almost ready to deploy on Herrick 10 its not gonna happen till later this year!

I am so muddled up about it all now! i just don't know what to think.

Thankyou so much! just for being there!!!

My husband has been an OC and I am shocked that your DH's OC used those words! I would have thought that the Families' Officer would have been around while the guys are away training. Isn't there anyone in the families' office you could talk to, just to explain where you are at and to get things into perspective? I can see it will be hard to resolve things before your DH deploys but this isn't how you want to start an unaccompanied tour.

I kow! i couldn't believe it. I have given up now. I've heard through the grapevine that my hubby is home next friday. He still hasn't actually called himself..... .

The families office 2IC is not very approachable and heis the onl one there this week.
thanks hun, for talking to me!! xx x x

Good luck for Friday, M. Try to stay calm and explain your situation when he gets back. Maybe you could write something down during the week? My DH and I find we can often tackle difficult issues by email, rather than face to face, simply because it gives us the chance to think clearly and express our feelings without the emotions getting out of hand. (Getting upset / angry with each other.)

Whatever happens, I'll be thinking of you and I'll be here if I can help in any way.

Thankyou so much hunny, you're advice and support is very gratefully recieved!
I have written a letter to leave out for him, and I'm going to be out when he gets home. I thought this would give him time to think about what I have written, and hopefully let it sink in!
I have promised myself i'll stay calm!
Lets hope i manage it.

Hugs, M x x x

WELL......
after a weekend of shouting, crying,talking, walking out,coming back, more crying. we finally seem to be getting somewhere.

I genuinely thought we were gonna end up splitting up. but he seems to be seeing sense.
We'll see hey????
Thanks for your support ladies! hopefully i'll be on here discussing happier matters from now on!
x x x x x x

Hi M. I have been watching out for a note from you and I am so pleased your weekend ended well - even if it was hard work getting there.

I'm sure there will still be ups and downs along the way but it sounds like you both want things to work out, which is the most important thing.

Good luck

he dropped the bomb shell when he left to had back for training that he has decided he needs to sign off after this tour!!! I don't know what to make of it relly.
I am worried that it isn't really addressing his problems, should i grab the chance to escape the rubbish army life???? or encourage him to face hm problems and stay in???

I know one thing! I am seriously dreading having to say goodbye to him in 4 weeks as he heads to afghan!!!!
Oh the plot thickens!!!!!!!
M x x x