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Forces sweethearts

If you have a family member in the Royal Navy, RAF or army, find support from other Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Married quarters and the 'unmarried'!!!! Would really appreciate any advice

26 replies

Nixz · 20/04/2008 23:31

About 4 years ago, DP was given a married quarter in Colchester, i was in Uni at the time and didnt want to move as i needed the support of my family and friends for childcare(i live up north), our daughter was just starting pre school and DP was supposed to be getting a nice posting to Harrogate. So we didnt move together, just travelled between the two houses. I'm not entirely sure why he was given the quarter, possibly as a place for our daughter to stay with him? Or for us to be a family? (We have been together 10years)
Anyway, he ended up with a posting in Manchester which suited us all. However, he has just gone back to Colchester and for some reason, we cant get a quarter now. I realise they are for married couples but we cant afford a mortgage because of the rates for first time buyers at the moment and the rents there are very expensive. We have saved up for ages and are just about to go ahead with IVF, so we need to be together and we are skint!!!!
Can anyone offer any advice or loopholes that they are aware of in the system (all hush hush!!) - we are pretty stuck with things at the moment. Cant see a way forward. We really dont want to be apart from each other again, we have been through so much these last two years, he has had major surgery and we have had a rough time going through fertility treatment and bouts of depression and upset. He was married for a very short time before we met but his wife has disappeared and he cant reach her for a divorce! We have tried for a long time!
I really dont know what to do about this situation. Im angry that people in civil partnerships can get a place but not us!
I'm sure some people will think im expecting things handed on a plate but we just want to be together and cant afford it without making huge compromises.
Any Advice would be really really appreciated, thanks

OP posts:
littlelapin · 20/04/2008 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Nixz · 20/04/2008 23:48

Yes, we can get a quarter that way but officially, I shouldnt be living with him. So when it comes to the electoral register etc, then its a problem.
Apparently, the families officer in his battalion says that the army are selling off a lot of the properties they own and also it is civvies who sort out the accomodation now. Therefore, everything is done 'by the book', anyone found living in the accomodation or gaining it by false info can be charged with fraud and there is a huge waiting list for people who arent married who have applied for quarters. I dont know how true all this is, my dp is usually on the ball and is always one step ahead when situations like this arise, he always seems to have something up his sleeve!!! Just not this time!
Thanks for advice on divorce, will check its the same for scottish law.

OP posts:
littlelapin · 21/04/2008 00:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

laura032004 · 21/04/2008 07:39

I've just read the JSP, and although your DP would be eligible for a quarter if your DD was living with him, you would only be able to stay there for 56 days in any year (unless your DP was serving unaccompanied on detachment).

However, it might still be worth putting a case forward, and seeing if they have any surplus quarters. Perhaps if your DP was to start legal proceedings towards a divorce, that would count in your favour.

saltire · 21/04/2008 07:50

I know a couple who have lived in sevral MQ's together. They aren't married, but they get round it by claiming that A) His older child lives with him/visits regularly, and B) He and his current partner have 2 children together and they have no whereelse to live. I know they went to SSAFA, Padre,RAFA etc and got a lot of help and advice from them.
I personally wouldn't go to SSAFA, as I don't like their so called "confidentiality" issues.

Original poster
Nixz · 21/04/2008 10:50

Sorry for complete ignorance Saltire - but what are all these accronyms? What is SSAFA?

OP posts:
littlelapin · 21/04/2008 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bethoo · 21/04/2008 11:03

your dp was probably given a house as there were some available at the time. chances are that where you are now there are not enough houses to spare.
chances are you will have to rent i am afraid.

Original poster
Nixz · 21/04/2008 12:32

We are going to exactly the same place as we were before and there seems to be a lot of houses that are empty. We have had a good look. I have been looking at the rental prices, and the rent is more than I earn in a month!
I need a new job!

OP posts:
Drusilla · 21/04/2008 12:42

At one of our previous postings the Sgts Mess was horribly overcrowded so some people were put in spare quarters (misappropriated quarters) as there was nowhere else for them to go. Could this be what your DP has before at Colchester? However, they were absolutely not offered to co-habitees. You may have to accept you are not entitled to be housed and look at other options

catzy · 21/04/2008 13:32

We do not live in married quarters but I know someone who found an empty property and then put a case forward for that property and got it. Was a case of why can't we have it when no one else has. But this was a few years ago before civies started doing admin.

I think you have a good case to put forward as you have children.

You could let you DP get the place on his own and then move in later. They are unlikely to boot you out and if they do you'd only be in the same position as you are in now.

Alternatively, its rent or get married. Not sure which is the lesser of two evils

Original poster
Nixz · 21/04/2008 16:20

Rent Rent!!!!!!!
Drusilla - Dp had the quarter before because of our DD, but i see what your saying.
If he said, he has a DD and needs to have a home for her then we would get one straight away. Maybe thats what we need to do and then sort everything else out after.
I suppose as long as we dont sign anything or say its just for them and not me...then technically....we havent lied!

OP posts:
Drusilla · 21/04/2008 18:44

Bear in mind, though, that (I think) he is still not automatically entitled to a quarter just because he has a DD. He has to be the parent with custody to be able to demand an MQ. That's how it was a couple of years ago anyway, may have changed since then.

Original poster
Nixz · 22/04/2008 08:47

In his battalion, the men used to get a MQ for when they had their DC. I spoke to DP last night and he told me that the civvies have now got a few of the quarters and have kitted them out with 'issue army furniture' and are giving them out at weekends for these circumstances. His family officer didnt know anything about this.
We have been in touch with the CAB for advice on divorce proceedings, at least thats one thing.

OP posts:
dorisofdevon · 22/04/2008 09:00

Hi my husband is one of those horrible civvies housing officers ( i'm ex navy that's why I lurk occasionaly) they do play things very much by the rules largely becuase there is now with all the selling off, a greater demand on the housing stock, so even if there appear to be houses available locally they can not move you in only to move you out in 3 months time as you are not entitled one rule for all and all that!

As for moving in anyway tis very risky as if you are found out ( needs only one stroppy neighbour,with PMT!) it breaks the terms of the lease and eviction proceedings would be commenced, the only way you may be able to get around this is if you had an offical address elsewhere so nominally not co-habiting, personnally FWIW being married makes life so much easier if that's what you want....... Good luck

Original poster
Nixz · 22/04/2008 10:45

Dorisofdevon - whats your husbands favourite tipple? What are his favourite sweeties....just purely out of interest!!!
Why are the army selling them off though??? When my DP returned from Afghan last time, he was living in a bloody portacabin!!!! I dont see why we cant rent one, its not as if we have just met, we are a family and need their help!
Grrr!

OP posts:
catzy · 22/04/2008 17:36

DH says its alot more strict now the civies are about.

It's so annoying that forces don't recognise common in law. At least you might be able to get the divorce sorted out.

Hope you get something sorted out.

Original poster
Nixz · 22/04/2008 20:05

Thanks all
Saltire = thanks for your suggestions. We contacted SSAFA today and they will give us full support. They said that becuse DP's battalion are deployed, they have to save some quarters for people who may come back injured and thats why there are lots of empty ones around. They put us in touch with people within the army welfare who are nothing to do with his battalion who can help and they are fairly sure we wil be ok.
Fingers crossed, would hate to spend my IVF money on a bloody deposit! Would rather live in a beach hut on Clacton Beach!
Thanks for your help - watch this space!

OP posts:
VanillaPumpkin · 24/04/2008 17:22

Good Luck. You really should get a quarter imo. Fingers crossed!

catzy · 25/04/2008 12:25

That sounds like good news Nixz. Let us know how you get on.

Original poster
Nixz · 29/04/2008 12:36

Update - on the advice of the SSAFA, we submitted our application and the DHE or whoever deals with the applications are being very difficult and can not justify giving us a quarter.
Im at my wits end now - We have had so much to deal with over the past 2 years and it feels like we keep hitting a brick wall.
At the moment, we rent from the council, we have looked at the rental prices for Colchester and we cant afford them and we cant get a first time buyers mortgage at the moment with repayments we can afford.
I am still being treated for depression after I had a breakdown following treatment and surgery for fertility and numerous failed attempts at conceiving.
Im not a charity case and there are families who are worse off, i understand but I just want a bloody break! Something that doesnt involve a fight!
I dont know if Im sad or really angry!

OP posts:
VanillaPumpkin · 29/04/2008 16:31

. Go back to SSAFA with that info. You might have more of a case on compassionate grounds. This sucks! Don't give up. You have to push for things sometimes. Good Luck!

Original poster
Nixz · 29/04/2008 18:42

Thanks - we have already told them. They actually told us to lie!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nixz · 29/04/2008 18:43

We wont give up, we cant really but its just another battle I was hoping we wouldnt have to fight!

OP posts:
catzy · 29/04/2008 19:55

Feel for you NIXZ. I agree with Vanilla. I would keep up the fight, I know its hard but it might get you want.