in the navy, do i stay, or do i go

[cheekymonk]

Hi there, I have been in the royal navy for over ten year with teh 12 year half pension point tantalisingly close. Over the past 3 years since ds was boen in 2005, the majority of my time has been at sea - during which time my wife has endured three family bearevements, pnd and a gall bladder op. While I was able to offer limited support with the gall bladder op, I was not allowed home to support my wife with pnd, or the family bereavements. To make matters worse, I was reverted from Leading Hand to AB in July last year. The only real amount of time I had shoreside has been August last year till December (aided by npfs), and December to April this year due to joining a ship in refit. Now that the ship is back at sea my wife is totally fed up, having been reminded of all the comings and goings, and with a 7 1/2 month deployment looming in December (away for Christmas) she is naturally at the of her tether. I dont want to rock the boat on the ship as there is the prospect of regaining promotion this summer, although anyone who knows anything about navy life, this cannot be guaranteed. This leaves me with a dilema. Do I stay till the 12 year point and reap the financial gain (being able to pay off a LSAP with the navy grant), or do I leave soonest to avoid any further strain. My family are in Scotland, and my wifes family are in Herefordshire. Without being cruel, they have got their own problems, and cannot support my wife and ds effectively as much as they could. When I was away last weekend at sea. My wife took ds now 3yr old to see Nana, but constantly asked for me. This only adds to the pressure on me to leave soonest. Just wondered what you all thought as I'm sure there are many other families in the same predicament.
Many thanks.

oh god, my heart always goes out to people who marry into the forces they have a strength that I don't. Problem is you are talking to the wrong people, you need to talk to your wife and come to a joint decision. Personally I would say tough it out until the 12 year half pension point. If your wife knows that is the end point it might be easier to deal with the time you are away in-between.

Could your wife move nearer either her family or yours for more support? Have you also talked about what life will be like when you are back on shore full-time, what you will do for work etc?

Good luck.

Many thanks libra1975. The biggest problem is that most of my avenues for advice are pro-navy, where I know my wife uses mumsnet a lot for unbiased advice. She has thought about moving nearer her family but that would cause more problems than it would solve. As for what I would do once I left, there are plenty options, and I am looking closely at the job market

I would stay for your 12 year pension and gratuity. It's not that far away, and you will have terminal leave, resettlement leave, EVTs etc. That will mimimise your sea time.

I can sympathise with your wife. My DH is away at the moment and I am dealing with 3 children (one with SN), a part time job, a terminally ill father and no family nearby. But you cope, and if there is an end date in sight I imagine your wife will cope too, especially as the financial pressure may ease.

I'm not the best person to ask in my current frame of mind but i do think life is too short.
If financially you can leave, and you can find work and be with your family then I would do it.
No-one ever died happy that they spent more time at work. You should be with the people you love if thats what your heart is telling you.

Crap opinion maybe, but its just my take on life ATM good luck with what u decide

i would stay for sure, no way would i give up on the half pension so close to your 12 years.

people can say all they want that money does not make you happy yadda yadda but you cant do a hell of a lot without it.

the security of a good pension is a luxury not many people of our generation will have and i would not be giving it up.

i understand why you are worried about your wife but we forces wifes are madeof strong stuff

Stay for the pension. You have the finishing line in sight. You sound very thoughtful and lovely. Work out your leaving date so that you both know what you are aiming for.
FWIW I winge to dh about never having time off when we need it, extra hours and duties with obv no overtime, having to live where we do, the chance of him going ooa, the constant courses etc, but I am 100% behind him in reality and would be mortified if he thought about leaving for me. Having said that he is RAF and things are different and I have not had to go through half the stuff your poor dw has .
You have both survived through so much, hang on in there. Easier said than done I am sure. Good Luck!

Thank you for such constructive and thoughtful advice. Its not easy trying to decide what is best for us as a family in the long term. I thin if we make it definite that I come out at 12 year point and make plans towards that we could perhaps survive this final lap!

I would stay in and get that pension...it is too good to lose. The worst thing about being married to someone in the RN is that it seems like a never ending vista of sea time and separation. We've been married 22 years, and sea time and weekending has accounted for 16 years of that, so I can see her pov. However, if you can get promoted that will presumably bump the pension up, and if you get that when you leave it gives you far more scope when job hunting, as you can factor in the income from that.

If you can tell her you will certainly come out at the half pension point then she knows that there is a time limit on how long she has to cope. However, do you want to come out of the Navy? What will you do afterwards? Do you live in MQs? Where will you live when you come out? This has to be a decision you are both happy with, as you will resent it if you come out before you want to. There are times when I wish dh wasn't in the Navy, and I grew up knowing the deal as my Dad was in, but he loves it and is happy, and it provides us with a nice standard of living. I also quite enjoyed sea time when it happened, as I could get on with life when he was away.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Thanks both. We have bought our own house but have money issues, ie. an iva so that complicates things a bit.
Its hard because our son is noticeably so much happier and secure when I am home and I don't want anything to affect him in long run...

It wont affect him in the long run, i am a Navy munchkin and although it was hard watching my Dad go off to Sea for months at a time it has not scared me for life! Mum had 4 of us and did struggle sometimes.

Your wife has probably been through the worst by the sounds of it. It can only get better

My dh is Navy too and has been away a lot, he is due off for a 9 month deployment in Jan next year. We have 6 children 9-11 months. It is hard and i do get upset but i knew what i was getting in to when i married him and will support him as long as he want to stay.

I think working towards a leaving date is a good idea and talking to your wife is a must.

Good luck and lovely that you are seeking advice form other women in the same position

We are an army family with 2 and a bit years till 22 year point. Oh how I wish dh husband had come out a 12 years! Try to keep going 'till the 12 years, we can all keep each other going.

Do YOU want to come out? How does your wife feel about you staying in or leaving early. If money is not good staying in until you get some financial reward would probably be best.

When a long deployment is looming, its always alot harder. My DH is on 7mths away. Building up to it, is the worst bit. And we were both thinking is it worth it all. He has 4.5yrs to go.

We had alot of problems and few years back and were considering throwing it in. In the end we moved back to our home town so I had family around for support. He commutes. This has definately been the best thing for us and I don't think we would have worked out if we hadn't done this.

The biggest question for you is do you want to come out? You have to condider life outside the navy and I think it would be wrong for you to leave just to support your wife. What if your marriage didn't work out? (i'm not saying it won't) but if you knew it wouldn't would you still leave. There is no guarantee that life will be rosey outside. Nor any guarantee of promotion if you stay in. If you do stay in will your marriage take it?

I feel for you. Its such a hard decision, but a really important one that you need to make together and both be happy with.

I wish you loads of luck, what ever you decide.

I would usually say that you can never get a childhood back. However in this instance your DS is so young that if you leave after the 12 year mark, you will still have alot of his childhood to experience on a daily basis.

If this was me and DH I think we would aim to grit our teeth to that 12 year point; maybe your DW could literally stick up a planner on the wall to count down the days till that happens! And even write down some plans of what you are going to do as a family when you can so that she has something to aim for and look forward to.

Good luck.

Hello cheeckymonk. Im a Navy wife. My dh is a leading hand. We have an 8 1/2 months old. We are currently living in MQ as DH is doing a course so he hasnt been away since ds was born but was away whilst i was pregnant. I totally understand how your wife feels. We live 250 miles away from 'home' and now with ds we dont get to go home as much as we used to. Being in kind of the same situation as your wife and probably feeling the same as she does too i would say to stay for the pension. Tell her to think to the future and how things will be with and without the money. In the long run it will be the best decision but i know it doesnt make things easier in the short term.

Since my ds was born ive found it really tough, to the point that we even had our march out booked and i was going to move in with my parents as i couldnt cope with this was of life. We were so close to DH leaving Navy but i know that if we can at leat get to 12 years it will make a big difference to our future plus i know how much DH loves his job and i know he would do anything for me so im trying my hardest to keep going for him.

Hi Sandy,
Keep going! it's tough.
I have been hanging on in for years now, planning what my house will be like with DHs pension. Is your name a play on your current posting BTW??

Ha ha glucose, yes it is. Navy??

No sorry Army - but we have been tri service so I have had the frightners put on me
by Navy wives in the past
DH is from a small town very close to where you are posted, and understand why you had your march out booked.
We are about 40 mins on the train from you if you fancy a trip out one day!

We have set a leaving date of 1st Feb 2010 so will be putting notice in next year. Have had a long chat and we both agree. MIl won't be too impressed but we think it is best decision for the family in all respects. Thanks everyone for your advice.
DW does seem happier to have an end date in sight.

Why won't mil be impressed? She thinks you should leave sooner? She can't understand the FULL picture I am afraid unless she is an ex forces wife herself .
Feb 2010 will come round quickly and you will finish way before that with resettlement etc etc. Good luck. Hopefully you will feel better now a decision has been made. You will appreciate the money and it is not too long really.

I'm sure that with a goal like that in mind, you will find things will improve. Do you think you will still get your promotion this way?

Is there anything you can do to make your wifes life easier whilst you're away? Is your DS in nursery or pre-school? This does help as it will give your DW a bit of free time.

I am very lucky in that I get a lot of support from my parents and my MIL, not just support in what they do, but also how they think, as my dad is in the RAF, and my FIL was in the RAF. That background makes them much more understanding when I'm miserable that DH has left for days/weeks or months!

MIL thinks being in navy is having a damaging psychological effect on son and wife so drops alot of hints about being leaving now. She thinks by staying I am putting money over family.
Families, eh?! Still, we have made our decision.
Thanks everyone once again for all your advice and opinions.

Yes laura032004, I should still get promotion in June as I was previously a leading hand but got demoted due to not getting on with previous boss!
Ds is in nursery 3 days a week while dw works. We can't really afford for ds to be at nursery to give dw some free time but we maybe can evaluate this while I am away as I earn more then.