Life as a military wife ADVICE

[Twinmummy22]

Hi, I’m going to try and keep it short and sweet. Basically I am a mum to 4 month old twins and my partner is wanting to join the army. He has some army background, also family in the army, knows exactly what he wants to do, knows exactly what it entails etc so I’m not going to go into that. But for me, I need advice on what life is like for the wives and the family side of it. We would all be moving with him into marriage quarters but my issue is we both have massive families that we’re so so so close to and I have a huge amount of support at home so me moving away would be a huge shock! I’d lose the massive family support, I’d miss my whole family, I just don’t think I could move away from them! My twins would also miss out on having the family around us 24/7! This is the only thing actually putting me off going. Also the fact of the twins having to move houses and schools every couple of years and never being able to truly settle. Could I just have some real insight what it’s like as a military wife and raising a family? I want the good, the bad and the ugly!! However, most of what I have heard has been pretty negative but there’s got to be some positives in it considering many people do it and stay? Thank you! X😊

Navy wife

I'd seriously do your homework if you think the houses are nice. There might be some nice ones, or ones that look nice superficially, but the repairs and maintenance is a huge issue and you can't do anything about it.

DH weekend commutes and I live at home with the children. I'm a teacher with a fair few forces children in my school. I would never move with my husband because of the disruption to their education.

Also with frequency of moving - I know the army is more settled but DH can be moved far more frequently than you'd realise. He has been in jobs less than 18 months before getting moved on. I couldn't move that frequently, especially with school age children.

Also I'd say the social side is very variable. There might be some places which have more going on but a lot of the more extravagant social occasions have gone because of either budget or covid and people can struggle to make friendships other than superficial, school run type friends.

Pros - well we're sticking with it for the pension but I would never have chosen for myself or my children. And neither would DH.

So why did he leave in the first place? Surely he wasn’t happy and left the first time round? What does he do/ want to do? Is it shift work or normal hours? Are they expected to deploy a lot? In small chunks but often? Or in big chunks but only every few years?

My husband is already in the military when I met him, I’m not from the UK so have no family around and he’s pretty much NC with his family. He’s not an officer so we have a little bit of stability (expecting a new posting every 5 years or so rather than 3, also if he gets promoted it might come with the caveat that the promotion means a house move). We have our own house rather than being in MQ, MQ tends to be not amazingly well maintained but it’s so cheap.

What about your career? With twins do you intend on going back to work at some point? Does your job have a lot of opportunities up and down the country or is it quite niche?

You definitely won’t see either side of the family as much as you do now, makes it really hard if you ever need emergency childcare etc… as the kids get older, they’ll make friends and then will have to move/ their friends will move regularly. You’ll feel like a single mum whenever he’s got a long deployment and get shitty comments from people saying ‘you chose the military lifestyle’ or ‘I know how tough it is, my husband was away for 2 days once…’

do you/ kids have any health issues? A lot of military wives I know struggle to find NHS dentists/ continued referral to specialists once they’ve moved. I know you’re not ‘supposed to’ be disadvantaged by the move but you will

For us, it no longer suits our lifestyle now that we have two young kids. He’s got two more years until his 22 year point and will be getting out then.

Goes back to the whole why does he want to rejoin question? Is it for the money? Does he miss the thrill? Why does he want to uproot your support network to go back to the army so that he is potentially away for 6 months at a time leaving you and the kids in a different town with no family support?

Also forgot to say, RAF wife here. I’m under the impression that RAF is more stable than army in terms of postings etc

It can be a hard and lonely existence.

you are away from family, friends and your husband

your children have to move frequently

at the end the result is usually a husband who can’t settle on civvy street, children who didn’t forge strong bonds with friends and you are unlikely to have a career either

of course your situation may be different - maybe he will be home every night, maybe you will only be a few hours away from your family

but honestly everything is centred around him and his postings. There really is very little benefit to you and your children

if he can earn a decent wage outside then for everyone’s sake he should stick to that

I take it you know the notice period is rather long to leave the Army?

also as a previous poster pointed out there is a lot of cheating. A huge amount. Don’t doubt that for a minute - you could even Google that

Yes I’m well aware of the notice period. I also know there’s cheating that happens but I don’t need people to predict either my partner or I are going to cheat on each other..?

He left due to family circumstances which I’m not going to go into and the fact he was 16/17 dealing with it all. He loved the army. Ever since he left he’s thought about it and thinks nows his time to do it. Definitely not about money etc, because we’re on a lot better wages now than we would be, but not everything is monetary. The be all and end all is where our family would be happiest and what would be best and being better opportunities for us. For him, he thinks the army will bring more opportunities and he will be happier career wise as that’s always been his dream. He also has family in the army so has his ideas of what life could be like. For me, I think there’s more to life than what we’re doing now but I just don’t think that’s the army. There’s a lot of opportunities and I have seen what life could be like but I don’t necessarily think it’s better than what I have now. That being said it’s a family decision not just one of us deciding which is why I wanted to get an insight on life for me. We know the ins and outs of his army life, what he’ll be doing, what do expect and what I’ll have to deal with in regards to moving and his deployments. I just wanted to know my side of it and what I would be signing up for. Based on these replies, all my negative feelings about it have basically been confirmed. Im not that worried about my career, mine can follow me anywhere if I wish to do so but I’ve thought about all that side of it and know about all of that. It was just about what I was to expect of the actual life x

I have done a lot of research. I know houses can be very questionable from what I’ve seen. I also know there’s decent housing. We have family and close friends that have been/still are in the army. I know the good and the bad from what they’ve said. I’ve researched everything I could to know what to expect. This hasn’t been a quick decision. It’s been years of ifs, buts and maybes. There’s no question about me going with him, if he was to do it then we’re doing it as a family. If I’m heavily against it, we’re not doing it. Luckily my children are very young so if after the 4 initial years I know I hate it then we can move back and their lives won’t be disrupted too much as they wouldn’t have started schools yet. But if I’m unhappy the 1st year in, another 3 years is a long time to be unhappy for. I don’t particularly want the military life. However it’s a big thing for him so we are trying to make a decision as a family and what would be best. I know the ins and outs of what to expect from his side, the deployments, the frequency of moving we could be looking at, literally the ins and outs. However, I don’t know the ins and outs to my life. I know about giving up my career, which I’m not worried about - my career is very flexible and follows me if I wish to do so anyway. I’ll dread the deployments and I will hugely miss my family. But I am an overthinker and tend to get stuck in the negatives when it’s something I don’t particularly want so I thought I would get an insight as to what life would really be like for me and from the responses, all my worries have basically been confirmed which makes my decision easier but also harder! X

Stay where you are let him go.

I haven't rtft so sorryif I'm repeating.
We weren't army, but RAF. In the groups of people we met during our time married and in the forces (7years) there seemed an equal split in how families managed -
You get quarters and you move with him. Everything revolves around the husband's job which impacts schooling and your career (potentially, the chance for remote working will have helped this). You don't have your own house and the quality of conditions do vary a lot from base to base. You can build up good friendship networks as you're in the thick of it, but remember these groups are also totally transient. On the plus side we now have friends all over the UK (and abroad). You're on your own during deployment.
OR
You pick somewhere to live as a family (near family) and he travels. Commutes if possible but otherwise lives on base during his working shift and comes home during his time off. Downside is obviously less time as a family, but for that you get stability. You can own your own home, though obviously you have extra expenses in terms of commuting costs and accomodation (sometimes the commuting costs can be accounted for in extra pay, at least in the RAF). Less impact when he is away on tour etc. Downside is less invovlement with the military community and you're more likely to be surrounded by friends and associates who don't "get it".

We moved twice together and then settled. Ironically then he didn't move from that base.... But he finally left. For many reasons, not just the travel, but we realised we wanted kids and the lifestyle just didn't suit our wants going forwards. There are pros and cons to both. When we settled and bought a house, I can't describe how much I missed the excitement of waiting for movement instruction. Setting up in a new place, finding new favourites (cafes, shops etc). But I also felt an overwhelming relief I could have a career, and actually make plans for the future. It was a really mixed bag.

If he was 16/17 when he left then he's gonna have to do the whole 6 months of training again.

Military families are advised to keep their foot on the housing ladder, even if they get MQ. It's all too tempting to sell your house if you get MQ, but you need to think long term and what will it be like back on civvie street eventually, when your DH retires from service. It will be made a lot easier financially if you still have a property rather than having to start from scratch.

Not military, so I can only comment on the relocation aspect of the job. I married someone whose job evolved into one that required frequent relocations. Every 18mths/2yrs. We always had relocation packages, but it was down to me to deal with all the practicalities of moving. I was at uni during the first move, had to transfer, which didn't run smoothly and it cost me my degree. I've never had a proper career, despite eventually getting an equivalent qualification.

It's difficult to keep friendships when you are constantly moving. My Dad had cancer at one stage and I spent a lot of time travelling back to see my parents, I felt dreadful that I wasn't there to support my Mum, fortunately we didn't have children at that stage or it would have been impossible.

When we had kids I often had to do things alone, DH had to travel or work at short notice. The kids have grown up not close to our family, my DD is particular really resents this. She went to 4 different primary schools and struggled dreadfully with this, the initial moves were fine, everyone loves the new kids, but it was hard for them and me to break into established friendship groups. They also missed a lot of school as transfers aren't seamless and whilst schools all follow the same curriculum, they don't do it in the same order, so some topics were covered 4 times, some not at all. We ended up paying for tutors to fill the gaps.
Often I had to fight to get a decent school and the kids haven't had NHS dentists for years. It has been difficult to get consistent care for health issues.

Every holiday ends up having to fit in visits to family and as a pp says, it is always you that travels as you were the ones that left. There's resentment at us not seeing them enough, but once the kids get older it's difficult fitting in lots of visits, with school exams, revision and their other activities.

DH was made redundant and we didn't get to relocate back near family although DD got her wish to go to just one secondary school, but she struggles with friendships, is insecure and we are possibly looking at a diagnosis for ASD.

If I could go back in time I'd choose not to relocate constantly. We now live somewhere I wouldn't have picked to live. Wish we'd just stayed put in the first place. I also feel ( and this sounds odd), that I've left little bits of myself all over the place, I never feel settled anywhere.

Have to confess I can't understand why you would choose this life for your kids, if you already have good prospects. Don't under estimate how lucky you are if you are happy, settled, financially OK and close to family where you currently live.

Have to confess I can't understand why you would choose this life for your kids, if you already have good prospects. Don't under estimate how lucky you are if you are happy, settled, financially OK and close to family where you currently live.

I agree 100%. I can't think of one military family that I know who likes the life now they have children. All of them spend their time trying to find a compromise that allows stability for family life.

Joanna Trollope A Soldier's Wife is quite good about some of the issues.

We’ve looked into everything from what he needs to do etc and he doesn’t need to do the training again. Possible a refresher which is a couple of weeks but he doesn’t need to go through all of the training again

Yeah we will still keep our feet in the property ladder

Thank you for this insight. Although not specially military related, it’s gave me a good insight into moving around. All of what you’ve said is what I was worried about really. The thing that eased my mind was that I have twins so they’ll never be facing new schools alone and they’ll always have each other but that was the only kind of positive about it really. We have came to the agreement that if we do go then no matter what I will be moving back to our home town with them when they are nearing secondary age so that they can be at one school and one school only. Such a hard decision to make as there is a lot to consider! There’s good and bad in everything - I can say good and bad points about staying where we are - but my main worries seem to be confirmed x

Op

you don’t really want to do this - please don’t it’s only a job and there’s nothing in it for you and the children.

it’s not fun, exciting etc I have a feeling you will really regret it if you go.

your life at the moment sounds great but go to a married quarter and everything you had once had and relied upon will be gone

honestly he is being v selfish

Great advice here, however not as simple as it sounds if you plan to live in a quarter and rent your own home out. You become a landlord, which has legal and financial obligations. Your home essentially becomes a business asset, you need to complete a tax return annual and pay interest on your earnings. In my experience it's a lot of hard, stressful work and tenants rarely take care of your home in the way you would. It requires a bottomless pit of money and you need to consider how you would cover the mortgage between tenants etc (oh and you also need to change on to a consent to lease/buy to let mortgage). It makes me shudder looking back on that time in my life. Don't do it, OP!

I was going to say that given your closeness to family that staying near there and DH commutes would be a good option for you as a family. But you seem to have made your mind up! Good luck.

Military wife here, DH is RAF and has been in the forces since we met. We're married 15 years with 2 kids. In that time we've lived in the three countries, six houses. We've done a mixture of married quarters and our own place. We've always kept our own home, let it out a couple of times. Once eldest started school we decided to live in our own house. I wanted the kids to have stability, and I wanted to keep my job. He's done one posting nearby, then he went away and came home most weekends (with a deployment in the middle) and now he's back at the base near us.

I do envy people who have their family nearby. Ours aren't. Even though we bought our own house and settled, we chose a place that was kind of in the middle of the places he's likely to be posted to and it's not close to any of our family. We do have fantastic friends though, they are worth their weight in gold. It's not easy but it works for us.

Just a word of warning, and I stress this is only my opinion, not the same for everyone. I had a great job, fairly senior and intellectually challenging. I took voluntary redundancy, had a baby and followed my DH to his next posting. I lived on the married patch and was utterly miserable. It was bitchy, and I just didn't fit in with the endless coffee mornings and charity events. It's not for me. I'm much happier now with a wide circle of friends (mixture of military and civi) and I have my career back.

You say he started out and left whilst still only an older teen, and yet he’s still sure it’s what he wants? It’s a very different thing to consider as a teen as opposed to a married adult with kids, I’d doubt he really does know how it will be as much as he thinks he does, a few months as a teen doesn’t qualify anyone to state they know what they wish to do

Cons - pads are generally a dump; army life is a bitchy political nightmare; birthdays, Christmas, births of future children, literally any special occasion or, really, straightforward weekends will be ruined because they do not give a fuck about family life; you won't live near your family; because you become the default parent, work is hard - you'll do every school run, every sick day, every everything, that is hard without a flexible employer.

Pros - maybe you'll get access to a free gym; there might be a nice party at Christmas; you'll likely get subsided holiday clubs; you'll probably make some nice friends who are equally as fucked off as you.

Essentially if you don't like having a husband, it's a great plan because you get the financial benefits of a husband without the bother. If you like having a husband, it's a bad plan.

The other option is to stay where you are and have a weekend husband. Plenty of people do that.

It's probably not what you want to hear. We were Civis and now we're not and it's bullshit. I'm lucky to have extremely flexible employment and earn more than my husband so I live in a nice house nowhere near camp where I've made my own life. But ultimately, I don't have a marriage anymore, our child has a dad who visits sometimes.

I haven’t put all our life in this post. I was just asking for pros and cons for a military wife. Him being in it as a teen isn’t his reasoning. He knows the ins and outs, he knows the career he wants, he has a very military orientated family. But for me, I don’t. I don’t know how life will be like as a wife. I have my own idea that’s pretty negative but I wanted it from all perspectives hence the post.