Life as a military wife ADVICE

[Twinmummy22]

Hi, I’m going to try and keep it short and sweet. Basically I am a mum to 4 month old twins and my partner is wanting to join the army. He has some army background, also family in the army, knows exactly what he wants to do, knows exactly what it entails etc so I’m not going to go into that. But for me, I need advice on what life is like for the wives and the family side of it. We would all be moving with him into marriage quarters but my issue is we both have massive families that we’re so so so close to and I have a huge amount of support at home so me moving away would be a huge shock! I’d lose the massive family support, I’d miss my whole family, I just don’t think I could move away from them! My twins would also miss out on having the family around us 24/7! This is the only thing actually putting me off going. Also the fact of the twins having to move houses and schools every couple of years and never being able to truly settle. Could I just have some real insight what it’s like as a military wife and raising a family? I want the good, the bad and the ugly!! However, most of what I have heard has been pretty negative but there’s got to be some positives in it considering many people do it and stay? Thank you! X😊

With regards to “knowing how often we’d be moving” I meant I was aware that there are a lot of moves - not meaning that I know exactly how long it would be before we had to move again. Career wise there isn’t really an issue for me. With my career I could get a job anywhere and it’s very very flexible, I get to choose as and when I work - that’s if I wanted to keep my job. I would probably be a SAHM for the first few years at least. We’ve both got the agreement that if I become unhappy or it’s creating issues for us that he would leave whether he wanted to stay or not (after the initial 4 years), us and our family comes first and always will. I definitely don’t think the army wife life is all sunshine and roses and coffee mornings. In all honesty I think the opposite. But there’s got to be some good in it for people to stay in it for so long. Every military family I know have stayed together, it depends on your relationship as a couple. I know the ins and outs of the military life and career like there’s no tomorrow. Just need good insight on what life is like for the wives and families x

Not following him is out of the question for me. We either all go on none of us go. I’ve seen some lovely housing. We have family in the military and my closest friend who was a military child all have had lovely homes. Yes there can be some questionable ones but not every house is bad.

I think OP that you’re a little rose tinted glasses there. Some marriages do last (21 years and counting here), but many do not. There’s quite a lot of infidelity (I saw this myself). Even ended up in a brothel on on run ashore (long story - I thought it was a bar). If you like moving about, don’t mind your husband being away (on exercise/deployed), you may be fine. You may get on with the wives. You may find you’ve nothing in common with them. I was a serving officer at the same time as DH. I couldn’t stand much of the nonsense while I miss some things about that period of my life, MQ life is not one of them!

Pros:

Most people living in quarters are of a similar age, have kids and are in general friendly. Here everyone has Halloween decs up and planning a mass trick or treat night and party.

Quarters are a lot cheaper than rent.

Most camps will have wrap around care/nursery and school either on camp or within walking distance. Our nursery is amazing, the kids have "days out" regularly on camp to the local gym to place with the crash mats or to the park.

Kids play outside and are generally safe on bikes or going to the park, 20mph speed limit. Most camps have a good play area, skate parks etc. ours also has a toddler room with free toddler classes.

Gym on camp at discount rate. Some also have swimming pools.

I rarely lock my front door (we live behind the wire and it's quite nice that we have guards on the gate)

Cons:

Living away from family sucks.

Non-military friends don't get it at all. Nor do work when you say you have no childcare because DH has been sent away at short notice and you can no longer come in. The amount of times I've had "can't her grandma look after her?" She's lives 5 hours away.

Family/friends from home expect you do go home to visit and rarely in my experience do they come and visit you. You will find out who your real friends are unfortunately.

Being a single parent for 4-6 month ReALLY sucks (there is welfare on camp and friends on camp do check in though)

If you have problem with the house like heating takes ages to get fixed.

If you live behind the wire you need to book parcels onto camp, which is a ball ache especially when they don't all carry ID and you have to lug the kids to the guard room to collect your parcel.

On the whole it works for us and I like living on quarters, but it's not for everyone

There’s no issue for me career wise. My career I can have anywhere and it’s very very flexible - I can choose when and where I work. I want to be a SAHM for at least the first couple of years anyway. In regards to nothing for the children, all of the military children I know past and present have all loved it and loved the opportunities that they get. In regards to housing we have family and friends in the military and all their housing has been lovely. The marriage quarters that our family are on seems lovely and most people have jobs and get on very well so depends where you’re based and who you’re based with really. When my friends family moved around they always loved everyone and were just one big community together. It will differ from person to person x

I completely agree and was about to say the same as @Radiatorvalves perhaps because we’ve also had the insight of both serving and know what truly goes on. You’re free to make your own opinion, but just because your family and friend had good experiences that isn’t always the case. I think the judgment here has been pretty balanced, you’re just choosing to ignore the bad because it doesn’t fit what you want to hear. Some of the advice here has been great. Like all things there is good and bad, but it is a really demanding lifestyle, that sadly does really not value the contribution of the women and families. With the future accommodation model they are moving away from the idea of core patches too, so you may need to also get used to the idea of living separately anyway and him coming home at the weekends.

I agree with @Ithoughtthiswastherehearsal. I'm the higher earner in our marriage and have been for years so I stayed with the kids when my husband was posted and it meant I did long hours and all the childcare and house things. It was really hard and I resented him a lot at times. It also had a massively negative effect on my ability to progress my own career as I was solo parenting so didn't have the flexibility to really go for it. I was also dealing with kids who were stressed and upset about daddy leaving for months at a time. The resentment breaks a lot of marriages.

The forces was great for my husband and he's definitely benefited from it. He got to go to all sorts of interesting places, do interesting things, and learn new and useful skills. It might have been ok if I'd been willing to give up my life and career to enable his, or if the things I'd wanted had maxed out at being a stay at home parent with kids and a decent house.

Also remember that the salary and pension are much worse now. Financially we were hardly better off than if my husband hadn't been working because off the extra childcare and convenience costs.

I definitely haven’t got rose tinted glasses on at all - I find this quite rude to be honest. Just because there are infidelities and some marriages don’t work out what makes you say mine won’t? You don’t know me or my family so cannot make that judgement. Yours has lasted as you’ve stated. I also don’t look at the military life style with rose tinted glasses either. In fact, I feel the complete opposite about it! It’s never appealed to me and I’ve never really wanted to live it. I have family and friends in the military and see it from their side which is all really positive and they’ve loved it. But as it’s not something I’ve really wanted so I’m straight away thinking of it very negatively so I wanted to get peoples experiences that aren’t family or friends so I can make a good decision for myself and be happy with my decision.

We didn’t say yours wouldn’t work, we can’t make that judgement and I hope to god it does work. We were just saying it’s common that they don’t because of the additional pressures it puts you under- there is no judgement in that- it’s just luck and stubbornness that mine has survived. We’re just reporting our lived experiences to help you make an educated choice. But I honestly wish you all the best, and hope it’s a wonderful experience for all your family.

@Rosebud890 you’ve reminded me of one incident. January and very cold. Some rooms had no heating (downstairs loo). We had asked for this to be looked at, and nothing had been done (life in a blue suit eh). The whole thing then froze … could flush loo. Heating stopped working. By the time I got through to someone they said they’d get me a hotel room.

really? I had 2 toddlers and had just got them to sleep… And DH was of course away in Scotland, the Falklands or somewhere else. No family around. I managed because I do.

And this may not be particularly relevant but DH was a Captain (ie a Colonel equivalent) at the time. I was so delighted when we moved out and I could shower (no shower fitted “because you’ve got a bath”)

Thank you so much for your reply! This is literally what I wanted, pros and cons etc. I get that it’s not all good - I definitely don’t think it’s all good that’s why I’m asking for advice etc because all I can do is think about it negatively!! But everyone is being very negative about it, but there surely has to be some pros otherwise why are they still there? And why do some people love it? I’m regards to career, there isn’t really an issue for me, my job is very flexible I choose where and when I work and for the first few years I want to be a SAHM anyway! I’m regards to family, I know they’ll travel but I am expecting to do the travelling anyway as it’s us that would have moved away so it’s us that should be making an effort to come back in my opinion. But yes being away from family is a huge con for me! All the pros you’ve listed are exactly what our friends and family in the military have all said and all love too! X

COULDN’T flush loo

I definitely am seeing the bad as I’ve thought about it so negatively since he said he wanted to join. I don’t want to move away and I don’t want the army life really so if anything is “not fitting with what I want to hear” it would be the good comments! But from what family and close friends have said they’ve loved it and when we visit them it does seem lovely so that’s why I wanted to get peoples opinions from experience so I can see the good and bad, not just my bad thoughts x

I just wanted to build on the earlier comments around autism and neurodiversity. I think if you have children and are seriously considering this, it’s worth considering how you’d handle things if your child had additional needs as there’s many significant barriers without even taking military life into account.

DS has various additional needs. He had an EHCP from 2.5, however has never been able to access 1-1 support he needs, placements in specialist settings, speech therapy, etc. due to constant delays caused by being posted at short notice. Local authorities get 8 weeks to transfer an EHCP to their local format, no time scale for implementing it, which means your child goes for months at a time without appropriate care. You may struggle to find a childcare setting, or school, that will even take them. Our last posting was 8 months ago, and only last week was a school place sorted for DS. We already know it won’t likely meet his needs, but due to moving ‘mid year’ we have no other options. It’s shit for us and him. Obviously this may not impact your children, but I think it’s important to be aware of. Their needs simply won’t be prioritised.

Career wise I’ve never been out of work, but have needed to be quite accepting of ‘get what I’m given’ and taking things below my grade when telling my line manager it’s time to fill out a compassionate transfer form again. I’ve ended up very isolated, childcare provision has in general been poor in our last three areas with long wait lists, all social activities like coffee mornings happen in the week when I’m at work and I’ve had plenty of wives actively refuse to be friends with me on the basis I work and am less available. As a previous poster had said, as you move, you suddenly become expected to drag the family around the county to your home town at weekends which wears thin fast.

We’re going to be settling over the course of the next two years and DH commuting. It’s just not sustainable anymore. Sorry, I appreciate this sounds very negative.

I think if you want to be a SAHM quarters are a good choice. If your career minded it's a bloody nightmare.

For us, I'm ex military so I did have a good idea what to expect. I know DH career comes before mine because that's how the military works (the whole service before self crap - but it has to be that way for it to be disciplined) and it does feel like a very old fashioned set up. I'm not career minded, I love spending most of my days with my daughter and I pick and choose my shifts (bank contact with the NHS) around what everyone else is doing.

If your DH is set on the military but not specifically army take a look at other services too. We're on a tri base at the moment and the RAF tend to get better treatment in general.

I’m NHS bank too so yeah very flexible and as much as I do like working I would happily be a SAHM. He 100% wants to be in the army and not RAF etc. He used to be in the army so just wants to go back into what he was doing x

At the moment there’s no issues of special needs and nothing on either sides of our family so we’re not concerned about that aspect - although I appreciate it could still arise! We’ve spoke about everything we possible could cover and if there’s anything affecting me or the children then we’d come first in that aspect and he would leave when he could. I’m regards to travelling back home we’ve set that expectation for ourselves as it’s us that’s moving away so it should be us travelling and we know we will make the travels as our family is a huge aspect in our lives x

I had no support and was very lonely. Best thing I ever did was move back home and him then commute and come back at weekends.

Reality of moving and schools...

My DD was without a school place for two months after one move. I don't mean in a preferred school... no schools had places. This could be doubly hard with twins! She was finally admitted to her sisters school on appeal (a week before this they were planning on sending her to a school 25mins away by taxi...)

We also laugh about how she did the same topic in three consecutive schools.

On the plus side they are both very good at talking to unknown children. (Younger DD has a special knack for befriending children who can't speak English) They can be bit reliant on each other for friendship (9&11 now).

I'd love to know where this lovely houses are. Mine always seem to have green carpets, woodchuck, atrocious curtains and at least one problem requiring regular visits from maintenance. I think during Lockdown the person I saw most of outside DDs and DH was the electrician.

My DF was in the army, my DH is in the army. There is some really good stuff, there is equally, if not more, some absolutely shit stuff. They can go away a lot, at very short notice. You can wake up one day and everything is normal and by midday everything is fucked and because you are the one left behind, you have to deal with it. The job will always come first. You say you have friends who have lovely houses. It’s pot luck. I’ve lived in a lovely detached new build. We have also marched in to a house where the carpets were covered in every stain and smell imaginable. Good luck getting anything fixed. It’s not nice to say it but rank will play a huge part in how you are treated. Job changes every two years means potentially moving every two years. As a child, I enjoyed this. But it’s easy moving from a military school to a military school. Not easy moving from a military school to a civilian school. By the time I was a teenager, I hated it. I was sick of having to make new friends. The anger issues - I’m sure anyone who’s partner served in Iraq or Afghanistan can relate.

The good stuff - it can present some amazing opportunities especially if you get a posting abroad. The pay is good considering your housing is cheap. They get a good amount of annual leave often in line with the school holidays. Mess dos can be fun and if you enjoy drinking, it’s bloody cheap. The pension is good, even if not as good as it used to be.

It can give you a good life, with a lot of laughs and you will experience things you would never otherwise have the chance to. But you need to bear in mind that the job will always come first. The army doesn’t care that you’re ill, or you have family members who need you, or that you have a holiday booked and paid for. You need to be prepared that at some point, you will be disappointed and let down.

I am a military wife and there isn't much I like about it. Not sure where other posters are based but I'm on a 'super garrison' and get none of the perks people have mentioned. Our local playgroup can't even get enough volunteers to run weekly. The reality of being a single parent for extended periods is really really hard. I have just done 6 months with a newborn and toddler. If you plan on being a SAHM with zero childcare, periods your partner is away will be really really tough. It might improve once the kids are school age but I'm not there yet.
Our house is nice (new build) and good size, of course the cost of accommodation is a big pro. But the kids are really unruly and run riot, footballs hitting windows and doors constantly, cars getting scratched from bikes, shouting and swearing from the (very basic) parks until late.
So why do we stay? pension of course. It's not as simple as if you hate it then leave once you have been in for a few years. You also may be surprised that if your partner loves it and you are miserable, he may not want to leave.

I think if most wives had a choice then they'd definitely rather live a normal civilian life with their husband working 9-5.
There isn't really many perks in terms of emotional welfare. It's lonely, tiring and stressful.
The kids mostly make the best of it, but overseas postings aside then I think 99% of them are disadvantaged by military life compared to that of a child who only ever knows one primary school & one secondary school, in an area surrounded by family support.

The career itself can be rewarding though, DH was a late joiner, he'd been stuck in a dead end, minimum wage job for 6 years before signing up. He had zero qualifications & zero real life experience. Within 6 years of him passing out of training, he'd promoted twice, lived in 3 different countries and travelled to 4 more. The money he's on now is far more than he could've earned on civi street, he has a decent pension and our rent is dirt cheap.

He loves his job but if he could get the same wage & career prospects in a civilian job then he'd sign off tomorrow, as I think 99% of NCO's would.
It's not great for family life in my experience.

If you're both happy now, with good careers and support networks, then I wouldn't advise giving that up for the army.

When a pupil with an EHCP moves LA the EHCP must be transferred on the day of the move, or within 15 days of being informed if the old LA weren’t informed of the move at least 15 days beforehand.

The new LA have a statutory duty to provide the provision in F as soon as the EHCP is transferred. If it isn’t provided you can enforce it. If the old school is too far away to attend the new LA must arrange alternative education whilst amending the EHCP.

Within 6 weeks they must inform you whether they are going to reassess and when they are going to review the EHCP. The AR must be held within 12 months of the last one or within 3 months of the transfer, whichever is later.

Here is IPSEA’s page about moving LA’s.

Even when you move mid year there are limited circumstances the LA can refuse to name your preferred setting, unless it is wholly independent. No spaces and being full isn’t enough of a reason on its own. Although the LA may force you to appeal, which is a long wait.

If your husband has done the basic training and is just rejoining that is half the battle then 😊 as he will know what he is going into even if you don’t know ‘first hand’!

I have to confess I love our life. We aren’t 9-5 type people and ok we have no kids (not by choice) but he is forces and I am NHS, we both of us like having a job that makes a difference and we have been able to make two very different careers work although there’s been some compromises- we didn’t live together when we first got married cos I didn’t want to move to his posting! We do now though.

I think there’s pros and cons to anything but if you never get out and experience things they won’t come to you. Overseas postings are rare but there is a lot of variety within the UK. You could live anywhere from city life in central London to the absolute back of beyond in Norfolk and there’s different things to do depending on where you go. If you are the sort of person who takes advantage of those things you will enjoy it, if you are the sort of person who doesn’t like to go out and doesn’t like new things you will find it harder. You could meet amazing new friends or you could think they are all divs! You could find a new hobby or you could be bored shitless. But any of those things could happen at home too. Being a military wife has definitely made me more adventurous in my own life.

I’m currently a military wife and I agree with a lot of the posts above. My husband joined later on, decided to decline a commission, despite having a masters, earns about 1/3 of what he did before hand. I lived separately until we had children and gave up work, although I have a little part time job for something to do earning 1/4 of what I did before. I can see how for a lot of younger people with few qualifications the army offers a much higher standard of living and security though. The salary for the work my husband does is incredibly low, he has offers from private contractors for £100,000+ regularly whilst he is stuck on a corporals salary. It’s really frustrating!

The adjustment in standard of living has really taken some getting used to (I.e we’ve had no hot water for eight weeks now thanks to Pinnacles general incompetence!) although we have a nice new build!

My husband works away a lot, he’s done three six month deployments in the past two years plus all the weeks here and there. The first starting during the pandemic when our daughter was ten days old which was tough.

I haven’t found socialising particularly easy. I’ve made friends with some officers wives that I have more in common with however you are excluded by your husbands rank from lots of social activities. The JNCO social events absolutely aren’t of interest to me or my husband really. Then once you’ve made friends you have to move or they move so you are back to square one!