New RAF Wife. Love my hubby, HATE living here!

[LottieEm]

I married in June this year as DH and I were fed up with only seeing each other a couple of times a month after nearly 5 years together. I have two children from previous relationship (now 7 and 11) and they missed him too so getting married and moving us to where he is seemed like a good idea. We knew it would be hard leaving friends and family back home but were positive and optimistic and raring to give it a go.
However, 5 months in and it's horrible. We're in XXXXXX and it's just so much worse than I thought it would be. I find the base really weird like a really crap Butlins at end of season! There's nothing here! And no-one and I mean no-one has even acknowledged my exsistence! I have never had trouble making friends in the past I've moved around a bit and have friends all over the place but here it's just not friendly. I thought there'd be a real sense of community but it's non exsistent. Furthermore, I feel ancient compared to a lot of other wives. They all seem to be really young (like early 20's ) I'm late 30's and as it's mostly Army here too RAf are in a monority. Must be honest I find military life all a bit strange any way and the welcome briefing only made me feel more like a duck out of water. I've never been one to follow the herd and I'm quite independant but didn't appreciate such comments as "let us help you find a little job! How patronising ? " a little job" for the little wife! " I've actually had an interview for a job with the council but failing that I can do some supply teaching but just the assumtion that your life is put on hold whilst you follow your man aound is just pre-historic to me!
Trying so hard not to be negative and smile at people but starting to feel like the crazy lady who smiles to herself! my DH is so great and hates seeing me down, he's doing all he can to cheer me up and it is good being all together at last. But my daughter (11) is not loving school being teased for having a different accent and things like that.
To add to this I'm 12 weeks pregnant. We're chuffed to bits and I'm sure the extra hormones aren't helping but now all I can think is how much I want to go home to be with my supportive friends and family.

Any advice for a new wife in a weird place be gratefully received.

No real advice but you know that if anyone local to you reads this you'll be outed? I might be tempted to repost omitting location.

Well, you have a couple of choices.

Mine for the most part was to stay in my house and not move with dh, so when he wasn't at sea, we weekended. It was hard at times, but I had a career.

5 years ago he got another posting abroad (he was abroad already), and as we had done two years of seeing each other every six weeks, I decided to resign, pull ds out of prep, let the house and move. It worked, and although I don't have a job, I have had time to get involved in things at ds's school, whereas when I was teaching, I couldn't.

The Forces are mobile, and serve where sent. If you are married to someone in the Forces then your choices are as above. You have to try and make the best of it. It is difficult and a royal PITA at times, but you could (and I hate these) go to a coffee morning as a way to meet people. You don't have to just be friends from the RAF wives...you may find some Army wives your age. You need to join in with some of the things that are on either on the base, or in the community, to get started.

take the first step - invite some of your DHs colleagues and their wives over for drinks and nibbles one night. They might also be sat at home, bored! Once you've met them, you can invite the wives in for coffee one morning and get to know them better.

I am ex forces, but not great at the wife thing. However, most forces people are pretty friendly in my experience. I do think Hatti's suggestion is a good one - the wives can be difficult on their own (don't shoot!) - but if you meet them in context with husbands, it might be much easier.

So far, I have stayed put. I don't like moving around, and I don't want the children to have that disruption. So when DH goes toScotland next year, I am staying put in London.

Good luck with the pregnancy, and hopefully things will get better for you soon.

Thank you, feel better already :)

LottieEm - whereabouts are you - obviously don't post your exact location! I'm newish to this way of life but would happily welcome a new friend x

Also wondering where you are as I am a RAF wife but on a base with lots of army too.

I have moved around a fair bit with my DH and am in my late 30's and yep I sometimes feel like the old bag on camp compared to the young wives.

Life can vary greatly depending where you are posted. I have been on some bases that I have hated so much because of the difficulty tryind to make friends and get to know people and others where the social life is fab. I dont think its just down to location its about the type of people you meet when you are there.

If you are anywhere near me I would be only to happy to meet you for a cuppa and invite you out with us all one evening.

All I can say is stick with it. Smile and say hello to people. Do you have a Hive where you are? Go in there and get to know the staff. Explain how bored you are and ask if there is anything going on that you could get involved with. Believe me I have got myself into all kinds of boring stuff that does not interest me much in the past just to get out there and maximise my chances of meeting people.

The thrift shop (if you have one - ask in the Hive) is another place you could meet people, volunteer to help, its not just ths staff you'll get to know but people coming in as well! Its not a bad place to get to know people!

How long are you likely to be at this posting? Before now things have been so bad I have been known to count down the days until we move. When I moved from our last base I left and had absolutely no one to say good bye to after 2 1/2 years! Thats how shit it was, so I do know where you are coming from.

I always tghink it's best if men follow women's careers and women earn more than men. Can you not get a much better paid job than he has and live off site and he is the little man on the minor wage and you outearn him. As long as you are earning nothing or a pittance you'll have no power or control and have to follow him as the little wife.

May be he could stay at home with the new baby and you go back to full time work for example? No reason it should be you at home in 2011. Plenty of full time working women support men at home.

If she's on a base Xenia, then the housing will be cheaper than a private rental, and they are also limited by having to live within so many miles of the base.

In Xenia land, yes, it might work that she could get a job and outearn him, but if you want to be married to someone in HM Forces, then it's either weekending or moving around with them if you want a marriage, and both take their toll in different ways.

Even if you do outearn him, he will still not be at home doing the childcare if he stays in the Services, as the needs of the Service outweigh everything else.

er, they eventually got married because they wanted to be living together and not just seeing each other a couple of times a month after 5 years of doing just that. so i'm guessing they want to live together. and that means where he works because of his job.

op, forces wives are fine. you need to get yourself out there. it's more difficult with school age kids, but it's not impossible. and as you are a teacher, you should probably know that a large percentage of the wives (well, officers wives anyway - stand by for huge stereotype ) will be teachers themselves. or nurses. and they will also have had to decide whether to follow their own career or follow their spouse.

but it is what you make it. it really really is. find out what's going on - offer to volunteer at the school if you decide not to find paid employment - they should bite your arm off. and it might lead to an offer of employment the next time a job comes up.

or volunteer elsewhere. i assume you are in the uk. contact your local volunteer centre and get on. or ask around camp and i'm sure there will be plenty for you to get on with.

i will reiterate though - because your children are older, you have missed on the 'how to get to know military wives' training, which largely centres around breeding and women finding stuff to do that is small child freindly.

you could always have a baby. problem solved.

seriously - there are always loads of pg women on bases, you are about to have more of a social life than you can cope with.

make the most of it. x

i'd love to know where you are though. we've been about a bit and i can think of a few possibilities!

madwoman love your phrase "how to get to know military wives training". It is though very true I did have done the long course 23 years... I was once in a very similar situation to the OP, sadly we had just been posted back to our own Regiment when it happened. I vowed after no one came to say hi when we had moved in just before Christmas (22nd Dec) that I would always go and say hi to any new neighbours in the street/area. So maybe you can keep your eyes open for more new arrivals.
You say that the Base has nothing in it. Bases in UK are where DH/DW work and often don't have many facilities unless you are very lucky. This keeps the costs down by using facilities in the local community. If you are abroad then there tends to be more facilities but even those are being cut.
Presuming you are in UK, branch out into the community. Do you DC do guides or scouts or similar. Another chance to meet other parents and potential friends. Good luck!

OP you have only been there 5 months so have not yet settled. IME you spend 6 months getting to know a place and hating it, 12 months happy with really great friends and then the last 6 months hating the fact that you are going to mover again and packing boxes so that the removal men don't put the toilet brush in with the kitchen drawers

Honestly having a baby will get you into a whole new social circle and as an "older" mum you will be the experienced GOD of childcare and they will all want to be your best friend. Oh and don't be scared of mixing with us army riff raff we are nice too

Ahh pimmsgalore you made me smile :) I guess I was just wondering if it was just me or if it was all military bases having never lived on one before I had nothing to compare it too. Here in NI I'm told it's a bit different but not sure how. Expectation vs reality I suppose and I just expected to make friends really organically as soon as I moved here so had a slight wobble when that didn't happen.
However, really appreciate the positive comments and advice ..much appreciated. Have been to the Hive and been to a coffee thing (although they're not v regular and only people who work here seen to go, but still all very nice!) And there's a xmas shopping do on that I'm up for too.
As for the work thing I'll happily temp untill this baby comes along, suits me fine. Not sure where Xenia gets the idea I'm a money driven career woman (should I dig out the shoulderpads? ) Although a qualified secondary teacher I was made redundant from my last job as a Youth Project coordinator for an Arts Charity (no money there I assure you, but that's not what motivates me). And like many other skilled people in the forces DH 's salary does not reflect his worth (but that's another discussion). So any extra income is always welcome esp with another bod on the way!. But I do believe there must be plenty of knowledgeable, talented, skilled wives on base who have much to offer that the lovely old chap who did our welcome brief seemed to overlook (that was all).
Nevertheless, my redundancy and the longing for us all to be togther decided our move for us and I don't regret that at all. I love having DH home at 5.05pm and when I watch him sit with DD helping with her geography homework I know it's worth it. Esp since I'm crap at geography!
Feelling positive about the future, lots to look forward to and deffo up for hanging out with some army riff raff :o

the lovely old chaps are always the worst. he'll be retired soon.

i won't start on the fem stuff, it's bad for my blood pressure and i've got waaaaay too much ammo to get involved in yet another feminism/ military discussion.

that said, i've got about a week before i hear if i'm able to finish my msc (all this moving round plays havoc with your studying) so if i get the go ahead i'll be back on here looking for spouses who want to talk about their lot. (and i'm especially interested in support networks and gender, and would love to chat with someone in NI. i was almost posted to aldergrove in 1993 lol, but went to bruggen instead. tis the closest i ever got, although dh has been in and out of the province a few times. no chance now, but i'm sure it's very different.

Wondered onto this thread by accident and realised you seem to be ni. I've no connection with the forces apart but live near Belfast. If you aren't from ni and would like a bit of a steer on our ways pm me.

Ignoring Xenia (enlightened and empathetic as always)...Anyway! Get stuck in, it's not the age/service etc part that are making you different it's just all new to you. We are all in the same boat and understand. Get down to the Hive or the mess and see what's happening, knock on doors, do the pot luck suppers or have a house warming. The best door openers are children! Gawd bless em. You'll find other like minded friends through them I'm sure! Good luck!

If you're in NI, then think I know where you are, having just moved out of NI in the summer. I have a couple of friends living there, one works in the Hive and is super friendly and lovely, so do pop in and say you're new, she has children. They both love it there, but are more used to forces life.

My DH and I got married after 4 years together and moving onto an army camp after 30 odd years of civilian life was a real shock to the system, it's something else entirely. I found the attitude to wives ridiculous and very patronising and still do tbh in a lot of ways. I remind myself though that a lot of the wives are young and literally leave their parents to get married, so what i find patronising is probably helpful to those starting out. Everyone told me not to go to the coffee mornings, but I found them great, not the bitchfest I'd been told to expect and a good way to meet others. I have also learnt to chat to anyone and everyone and to 'be brave' and go to things alone if I have to at first. People are generally friendly I have found.

OP I know how you feel - were on the patch, not inside the wire but not too far and I'm treated like a leper (sp?) we have a house but no kids (currently 6 months pg) and I have a career and actually currently earn more than DH.

No one speaks to us, no one acknowledges us - it's almost as if the fact we don't have kids and I go off to work is a black mark against me. I thought living on the patch would be quite fun and would let me meet lots of people and have a good group of friends. So far I feel like I'm forcing myself on people by just saying hello or good morning.

After over a year here I've given up with it and luckily have a great group of mates from back home and I'm able to see them a bit. I've also joined some clubs which are mostly civilian women and hoping I will be able to keep up with them even after the LO arrives. Joining classes and clubs would the best way round this IMO.

Best of luck with it all!!! Xxx

Hi InsomniaQueen I'm wondering what sort of clubs you go to locally? I have thought about doing something too but not sure what. I know there's a bumps and babies group on here that could be worth a shot in the New Year. It's a funny 'ol place though isn't it? :) Also wonder if your maternity care is at the local Area hosp and your experience of it. I'm now 4months pg and although have 2 other sprogs my last pregnancy ended in mc at 7 weeks and really nervous about the way things happen here as seem so different from back home....although must say everyone been v nice at the hospital so far.

I used to go to pole dancing lessons which I totally loved but unfortunately they moved the class and the new location is a bit to far to make it worth going, then I found out I was pg so I just didn't bother but will be looking for a new one once the baby is here (fingers crossed).

I go to aquanatal which is great and actually run at the pool on camp so you have a mix of military and civilian women there.

I'm going to do baby massage and mummy and baby group once (hopefully) the LO arrives. There is also a group of mums that take their babies out on country dog walks with them, as we have a pooch I want to do this too.

There are lots of mother and baby clubs here - all have posters and stuff up in the local surgery so that is a good place to start or you could look at the 'MN local' pages to see if anything good is happening near you that you would be interested in.

I similarly had an MC previously and so have been bricking the whole process but I've found things here to be pretty good. Due to the size of the military population no dependants are able to use the on camp med centre. So my care is overseen by the health care trust for our local area. I would say that my MW care has been amazing - the Dr care has been very hit and miss though. From what I've seen care during pg varies massively depending on where you live and what number child it is. If you feel that your not being seen enough ect then you can always contact your MW who will be able to go through everything with you.

My sister was living near Aldershot in late 90s and she was only RAF Officer`s wife amongst all the army wives in the street.....her husband was in Kosovo and she had a small baby....no one spoke to her at all!!!!

LolliEm have u settled in yet? Are u able.to send me a msg on here?

I'm a Navy wife and have moved all over the place for years. My children (young teens) are now several hundred miles away in boarding school, as we can never tell where/when we will move, so it gives them stability (and they love it). I miss them a lot, say no more.
I have always tried to get involved with the local community in some way, sport, volunteering (reading in schools), church (choir, Sunday school), writers groups etc. I have a dog, and that's great, as you have to get out and always see people. It's not easy, but it helps to have non military contact with people. In the end though, you just have to put yourself out there, and that can be tough sometimes. Good luck

I've heard people from DP's work say that Germany is a much better posting in some ways for their wives because there's more of a community and people get more involved with social events etc. Here people just sort of totter along like they did at home but on their tod. It's sad to hear you're not loving province life- I'm the opposite as this is home to me! DP's posting is up in about 13 months and it'll be "shit or get off the pot" time for me. Two things put me off becoming an army wife-

1. Scary cliquey wives clubs
2. Having to follow DP round (possibly to Germany if he goes down the SIB route) with limited career options and no friends or family near. Hmm!

Make that 3- I've seen the PAD houses.

I hope you've made some chums and things aren't so glum for you. NI isn't so bad, there's plenty to do if you've got transport (which you need if you're in A'grove/Crumlin- middle of nowhere doesn't begin to describe it. Unless you like plane spotting, then you're sorted).