DS told me he's 'Sad at Daddy'...

[TheVeryLazyLadybirdPlus1]

DH has been away for 5weeks now, DS (3.3), always says goodnight to Daddy when he goes to bed.
Tonight he said night night and then started crying, I asked him what he was crying for and he said 'I'm just sad at Daddy.' I asked why and he wailed 'Cos he's gone!'

Yesterday morning he was playing and then just started crying and shouting 'Daddy!'.

Its the first time DH has done a tour since DS was born and I just feel totally out of my depth.

We've told him that Daddy has to go and help people and he'll be away for a long time but he'll come home as soon as he can.

What do you tell your DC?
Anyone got any tips for helping them through it?
Its only been 5 weeks, got another 5 and a bit months to go!

Wish I knew the 'right' thing to tell him

Poor you!

I'm not sure there is a "right way", and it's very difficult with small children who can feel the absence but are not big enough to really understand how long 6mths is.

When will your DH get R&R? Will he be around for Christmas or New Year? If so, you've a shorter countdown.

I think it's important that you stay as matter of fact as you can - in the hope he sees it as at least vaguely normal, or at least copeable-with. Does DH get to e-mail? Make sure he send pix and messages for DS. Get loads of blueys so DS can "write" and send drawings.

Are you on a patch? Are there other families nearby going through the same?

Two areas to watch out for:

a) phone calls - longed for, but can be distressing
b) return - when my DS was 2, he was really upset when DH returned. I think he'd missed him more than he could articulate, so took it out on him on return.

If you're not on a patch, I hope you have a good support network of family or friends. Make sure you get some treats during this time too.

Hope it goes well, and that he comes home safely.

my DS, although not the son of, was very upset when my ExP went to Afghanistan.
ExP gave him a teddy just before he left that he could cuddle when he wanted cuddles from ExP. Perhaps he could send one (or you could just order it on his behalf) like this and you can point out how it dresses like Daddy?
We also made a huge deal of blueys and ExP's job was such that he had really good access to a decent internet connection so we would skype.
Bloody hard though, hope that it all goes well xx

R & R will be lovely but hard when he has to leave again.
I passed the time talking about where he was, chatting about camels, watching aeroplanes in the sky (he could relate to that as daddy had gone on a plane etc) and just try to be strong.

If you are strong, he will feel more secure.
My DH was away a lot when DCs were tiny and they don't really understand and it's hard when they take their upset out on you or their daddy.

My dh commutes now whilst we stay in our own house and saying goodbye every sunday night is horrible for them. They say "I hate daddy" and they hate me for letting him go! You really can't win; you just have to struggle through.

Defo send e-blueys and if he can arrange for his R & R to be later than the half way point (not always possible though), then it'll be less time to count down before the final return. Yes, it's longer getting to R & R but it's worth it when you then have much less time when he goes back to count down.

*How about tying a message from DS to a balloon (one where you cannot be IDd, and let him send it off up into the sky 'to daddy'. Photocopy the letter and pop a balloon the same colour and post it to your DH. Get him to bring it home on R & R with him - your DS will love it!

Your DS will be sad and probably not fully able to articulate how he's feeling but will be unsettled and uncertain without knowing 100% why.

I have told my 2 DD's that Daddy is away in Afg working and will be gone a long time. We are writing, drawing pictures and sending eblueys, photo blueys as well. I ask them what they would like to choose to put in the parcels we send out so they feel they have a bit of control. We did lots of filming on camcorder before he went which they love to watch. Also went to build a bear and chose a teddy with a voice recorder in where DH has recorded a message to them. You could do this too, what a lovely surprise for your DS. You can send the recorder out to him and he could post it back, you take it to build a bear and they will make it up for you.

I also say I am missing Daddy too so they know it's not just them.

Encourage his to express his feeling as much as possible.

It does get easier, the last tour 2 years ago by the second or third month the children were a lot more settled.

Thanks everyone.
There's some lovely ideas there.

I think the idea of the balloon is really sweet!

Every night we go into my bedroom and I open the window so DS can shout 'night night Daddy' to the moon, cos its one thing that he and Daddy can see.
If I walk upstairs and turn towards DSs bedroom he looks at me and says 'erm, Mummy, you forgot....'

But then any other time of the day, he refuses to acknowledge that Daddy hasn't abandoned him.

I feel like the baddie!

I never thought about the phone calls affecting him.
I was on the phone to my sister and DS said 'look Mummy here's Daddy too!' (looking at a photo), I said 'Oh its not Daddy on the phone its X!'
His little face just dropped, and he wouldn't talk to me.
Its so hard looking at this from a 3yr old point of view.

I have a friend across the road who's DH is away, different regiment, but her children don't really understand it as much as DS.

Does it get easier or harder when they come home?
DH gets his R&R almost half way through the tour, which I'm glad about, some lads are getting theirs when they've only been gone a couple of months!

you could perhaps say something like "daddy's only going back to help everyone pack away and tidy their office and then he'll be back". He'll understand the clearing away and tidying thing from preschool and then once he's gone, you can count down the days.

I think counting down the days from the beginning is hard for a 3 yr old as they really understand the time concept.

make sure that your weekends are busy or that you see people at least (to keep you sane more than anything) or invite a friend and her kids over for Sunday lunch. Sundays especially were really hard for me as that was the day where we did everything as a family and had a lovely cooked lunch etc.

The weeks are easier as they have a set routine of preschool/home time/shopping etc.

Gosh - having R & R only a couple of months in would be a nause - I guess though that having it all is better than not.

I know, my friend's DH is back for Christmas, as much as I'd love DH home for christmas I'm glad he's not, much rather it later in the tour.

DH promised DS a trip to Disneyland when he gets home so thats keeping him going a bit!

Like the idea of him having to go back and tidy up.
How many times have you done this Teacups!?
You sound like a professional!

Second the making sure he is fully involved in everything - every week DS picks a card to send and some sweets to put in his box (which DP hates but the local Afghan children love) My DS is older and DP away for longer so the issues are different but the comment about phone calls is very true - mine gets upset when he hangs up then remembers something he meant to say so we jot down things during the week to talk about when he rings. Another problem we learned last tour was expecting a call at a particular time/day and DS would get very upset if it didn't happen so now we are never more exact than "I'll call/email when I can". DP also takes photos of any cards/pictures he gets from DS and e-mails them back or puts them on FB with a comment about how pleased he is with them. R&R is fantastic but also hard and we try to get away from home either on holiday or at least on lots of day trips to avoid getting into any sort of routine which makes it more noticeable when they go back. It does get a bit easier as a routine is established but I think the truest thing I learned from DS was that he finds it easier to cope now that he knows it's ok to be sad and cry sometimes as he has seen/heard me do it. For a long time he thought it was wrong because the first time DP went away I tried to hide that from DS thinking it would make him more upset - I never thought it would make him think he couldn't share his feelings. So although it is hard do encourage your DS to let his feelings out and just try and keep yourselves busy.

Since we've had the kids, 3 tours (2 tours with only a 9 month break between) and a 5 month long exercise when I was pregnant with dd1.

And now, with weekend commuting, they resent both him and me and we have lots of upset over it. I'm always trying to think up little ways to make it easier.

That makes sense about R&R not being routine, Penguin, never really thought of it that way.

I did press DS for a reason to why he was 'sad with Daddy' the other day, I felt bad as I had to ask a couple of times but I thought it was important that he said what was bothering him.
He's only 3 but he's articulate, sometimes older than his years. Its hard to know how much he understands and how much to tell him. And sometimes I forget he is only 3 and talk to him like he's older, just makes me fret that I'm messing him up!

When he got upset one morning last week he sat on my lap for a cuddle and told me he missed Daddy, it made me really sad and I told him I missed Daddy too but at least I had DS there to make me smile, which made him smile.
Its hard showing them your vulnerable side when you're trying to hold everything together for their sake.

Thanks so much though, you've all made it a bit easier to understand, think about things that never occurred to me before.

We've been so lucky that DH has missed out on the tours so far, since DS was born.
You must be such a strong person teacups?
I thought I was a strong Army wife but my word, I've got a lot to learn!

Not really verylazy - just have to get on with it! I do think though that my kids are slightly 'messed up'. That's why we've moved back out of quarters back to our own house, near to all of our family. For stability. However, I'm missing being in a forces community so I'm now the one going a bit loopy.

The kids also miss their daddy who commutes every week so actually, I think we've made the wrong decision.

I'm sure your ds will be just fine. Do you think your dh will be off again soon after he's back or not?

The very lazy ladybird - where abouts are you - our lot have all deployed on a winter tour (We're an airborne regiment) and we have lots of family activities being put on for us etc.

Could you help him make a scrapbook about what he's upto at home and get dh to do a scrapbook of whathe is doing out there?

Another idea I have heard of but haven't used is to send dh a piece of green paper shaped as a leaf and get him to write to ds on those and you can make a big tree in his bedroom with all the leaves his daddy is sending him.

Oh Ladybird

Tell him that daddy is working away, very hard to make a difference.

Have you thought about lineing up a special treat for DS and DH to do when he comes home

Theres a book called My Daddy is a Soldier which my two found very useful. I can send you a copy if you like.
My DH was away last year when dd was six (he left on her birthday ) and ds was three and tbh a lot of the time, we found it easier to imagine daddy was just at work and to get on as normal. There was always a big daddy-shaped gap but it was useful to develop our own rhythmn between the three of us. Pm me if you'd like a copy of the book sending.

DS is now 5 and DH has been away for 3 longish tours 4-6 months (and is going again next year).

The first one, when he was 16 months DH made a dvd of himself reading favourite stories which we played at bedtime. He also filmed himself at work-this is daddy's office, bed etc so DS got a visual understanding of where he is. He filmed himself putting presents in a parcel and sent it with the parcel so DS could really understand that they came from daddy!

Also whenever he is away I always give him credit for trips etc saying, 'Daddy thought that we might like to go to the movies today etc'.

A holiday to look forward to is also nice.

In some ways it does get easier as they get older and more used to it. However always remember that dates change-often and never give a child a date (or anyone else for that matter! My non-army friends laugh at the fact that speech is littered with probably...supposed to be...hopefully...etc!)when daddy is coming home!

Good luck.

Thanks for the offer Scootergrrrl, we have a copy of the book from our welfare.

I'm going to go back through this thread and write down the ideas! There's so many lovely ideas I'm worried I'll forget them!
Will also pass them on in an email to welfare if you don't mind?
Might be nice for them to send it out to the other families.
They're too nice to keep to myself!
Will definitely give you all credit for them though.

I know one other girl who made a calendar for her boys about 2 days after her DH went away, each to their own but I just think its the wrong thing to do.
I saw a photo of it and I have to admit, I think I'd get depressed looking at all those days laid out infront of me! Can't understand how that would help a 4yr old!?

I thought I had it all set and straight in my head about how it would work when DH went away but the reality is so much different!
He's set now to do a tour a year-ish for the foreseeable future, unless plans change, like you say, never set in stone with the military!
Don't know how people cope with tours closer together than that!
Military spouses are a rare breed if you ask me!

Oh yes - I agree we are either special or bonkers!

Another idea which helped my older one was to put 10p in a jar every day that he was away as kind of a reward for getting through. If she was feeling down, she could go and spend her daddy money, as she called it and it was completely up to her whether she saved it or spent it. Good luck.

Ooh - have just thought of another one dh did. He used to send a dot-to-dot with each bluey he sent, for each child to complete.

He used to make dot-to-dots of everything!
When he came back, he saw them all - joined up- hanging up for him to see. The kids loved doing them and they din't need to be bale to write to complete them.

My 4 year old is the same but is starting to understand a bit more that daddy is away on his ship. He often gets upset when he is tired or feeling emotional. I just try to distract him and keep him busy and when it gets closer to dh coming home we cross days off the calendar. I must admit I find the weekends harder as we have a good routine in the week but are at a bit of a loss when we are at home.

He does prefer it when we skype rarther than just a phone call but this option is always available.

DH won't be home for xmas this year but we will carry on as normal as possible.

Good luck

Take it thats your witty little article that you can't link to properly, DaddyOh...?

Fail.

I didn't think Christmas would be that hard but each day it gets closer it feels like its going to be more difficult.

I dread to think what DHs dot-to-dots would be like! Might get him to do one for a giggle, see what he comes up with!

we had elephants/giraffes/camels/helicopters/tractors etc The kids loved them.

vintage I'm very interested in your comment about moving into your own house being the wrong decision. Is this down to the children missing their dad during the week?

We have been back and forth over this for the last few months as the children are settled in the most fantastic school and we bought a house in the same city, (with the plan it was an investment but could also live in it as well) and have been trying to decide what to do; stay and have DH weekly commute or all move again as a family.

Found out DH's posting recently will be three hours plus drive away, plus the fact we have been without him due to this tour and I pretty much made the decision myself that it would be the right thing to do to move together rather than stay here.

It's really hard though as I am happy and settled here (as are the children) but I think long-term it's the right thing for us as a family and also as a couple.

Yes - we thought it was the right decision for the kids fanjolina but actually, they miss us being a family so much, that we have decided to all move together for the next two postings at least. Then DH may look at leaving. Never again do we want to live apart. we thought it was more important that the kids were settled into one school, but actually at ages 8 and 5, we now realise, they needed their daddy more (as do I!).