"I don't like this" ... rant to follow ....

[Millie1]

I am so so sick of hearing those words from DS1 aged 3 and 3/4. Every blooming night, it seems like no matter what I put on the table, I hear those 4 words before he even tastes it. Then there's a full-blown row because he won't eat it. If it's a stage it's just getting worse by the day.

Meals refused/picked at in the last week inc ... where do I start? I'll work backwards from last night - sweet 'n sour chicken and rice (new recipe from Jeanette Orrey's bk); lamb shanks & potato and parsnip mash (another new recipe for us); sausage casserole and mash; pasta with jar of tomato & basil sauce (lazy night!); pasta bake; chicken wrapped in bacon with mash and veg ... I could go on but you get the picture.

He's getting plenty of variety but refuses just about anything. Yes he's probably getting enough through breakfast and lunch but he's a lean little chap anyway and I'd rather fatten him up than have his ribs stick out any further.

Any words of wisdom or ideas? I've tried the naughty step, taking his dinner away, telling him to leave the table and come back when he's hungry, withholding pudding (no more excting than a yogurt), not giving snacks between meals .... now I'm just pulling my hair out. Worse still, his brother is a great eater but is getting to the age where he's following his big brother's example.

Thanks!

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My dd (almost 2) has also always been a picky eater with a tiny appetite. I have never tried anything other than stopping commenting/cajoling/getting upset, and she has eaten more since then, though still small amounts! I also found that writing down everything she ate stopped me worrying, because you realise then that they're eating more than you think.

I have to admit this thread is making me feel very tense. I wasn't aware I had any food-related issues till I had dd. I don't remember my mum being particularly controlling over food, I've never had weight issues or any problem binging/starving myself or anything. I was always a picky & small eater as a kid & teenager, but the only thing I remember about it is as a teenager, my parents started getting into cooking more interesting, usually vegetarian stuff, and I hated it & resented the fact that we couldn't just have meat & two veg, or that I had no choice over what i ate!! The only problem I have now is going for dinner at someone's house, i am completely overcome with anxiety then and I have no idea why. So I have to admit that most of the suggestions on this thread are giving me knots in my stomach. I am most with oops i think, not making an issue at all has to be the way forward. The other more controlling methods even rewards & fun & games make my stomach go tight - if anyone tried to do that with me & MY meals it would increase my anxiety about food & eating tbh. I have to say i think food is such a personal thing, putting something into your body, that I just can't include it in the usual disciplinary methods.

Or maybe it's just because i have issues that makes me feel like that!

a subject close to my heart. dd has been a difficult eater from the start (now 3.5) she's not fussy she just doesn't eat. have had days when she's survived on 1/4 piece of toast, we've tried all sorts of tricks etc but in the end just decided to make it not in the least bit important sort of there's the food take it or leave it and things improved greatly

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I agree with oops too, for those children who blankly refuse to eat anything and won't even taste anything.

I think my ds does have a very sensitive palate -he smells everything before he eats it. Even if something has a tiny bit of spice, and his little brother eats it, ds1 will say it's hurting his mouth. There are also certain things that he can't stomach, such as banana, so I don't force it. He likes very bland, plain food such as boiled vegetables, pasta, and cucumber sandwiches.

I have found that since I myself stopped stressing and pushing, he has eaten greater quantities and actually asks for things.

Millie1 it's interesting that your ds won't eat his evening meal. Does he have similar things for his lunch and eats properly then?

Daughter was a real nighmare with food when she was younger... she wouldn't try anything new so in the end I didn't push her.

Now aged 9 she is a really good eater, and I introduce new foods with foods that she likes.

Each week I do a menu plan (yes how sad . I always ask son/daughter/hubby what would they like and they can choose a meal for one evening.. I do the rest... we always have things like salad on the table, with maybe slice apples, cucumber, peppers, etc and maybe crusty bread

At the moment this works for us, and the kids try new things with out pressure and going hungry. I am a fussy eater and would rather die than be forced to eat something that I didn't like.

oops, it's hard to see how it could have been down to my parents, as I said they've never been controlling over food, we never had to finish our plates, they didn't get upset about my pickiness or anything. Not that I remember anyway. And there are loads of fond memories I have of favourite meals my mum used to cook when we were kids.
Without giving too much away, my mum became very ill (a mental illness) when I was about 3 and we had to stay with my grandparents for a few weeks. I don't remember that at all. I also have a feeling my grandmother was probably an old-school "eat everything off your plate" woman, though all I remember about going to hers (not the time i was 3 though) is that I always loved her food & ate tons! Perhaps that trauma has translated into a need to control my food today...
sorry hijacking original theme a bit, I was just empathising a bit too much with the children we're speaking of...

Does he like meat - the foods you listed were quite meat focussed.

I agree with too much variety distracting them or only picking at what they prefer.

short post!

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anyone who is worried about the amounts their child eats should consider the following (I saw it on some American child psychologist type show years ago when DS was under 2 .. it was advice from an American Nutritionist and completely calmed me down about food)

the average 2 year old will eat approx 11 tablespoons of food a day (that's everything snacks included). Generally they will only eat 1 proper meal in a 48 hour period. This is averaged over a couple of weeks.

measure out 11 tbsps of food .. it isn't much .. if your child is older or younger then add a little / take away a little

HTH someone

Sorry havent read all the posts on this.
I have downsized considerably.
1/4 of a weetabix with 20ml milk and a strawberry. I sit with him and feed it to him while he looks at a book.
Mid morning a couple of grapes or half a banana.
lunch 1/4 cheese butty or a quiche...you get the idea.
i put out a miniscule amount and the stress has gone as he eats the majority or all of it.

I once watched the baby whisperer do a thing on this. For every spoonful the child ate, she put a spoon full into a plastic bag. At the end of the meal, even though the child had only had 3 spoonsfull and some juice, it actually looked allot of food. She held it up to the child and it looked big next to the child. Her point was the size of a childs stomach and how much food they can take.

putting it in perspective, she

dont know what happenend there, i wanted to say that she totally put it into perspective for me.

Millie - I'm in the 'ignore' camp.
If he says 'I don't like this' just say 'ok', leave plate there, eat yours enthusiastically, take his away after a while if he hasn't eaten any, and don't make a fuss!

Mummylonglegs, what you're describing is pretty much what I do, although we seem to be coming at it from different angles. My approach is, essentially, here's the food, no bells and whistles, no persuasion or rewards, if they start piddling about I assume they're not hungry. End of story. I think lowering the emotional temperature is the key. I'm always amazed by the lengths I see people going to to persuade a reluctant child to eat, and yet it never seems to work. In the end you don't want them to be eating as a favour to you, anyway -- they need to learn to eat when they're hungry and stop when they're full.

my auntie used to say to her twins "dont eat that...dont you dare eat that chip" and pretend to look away then be shocked and stunned when she turned around to see the chip gone, or pretend in a dramatic way .
It worked on most occassions to get a few spoonfuls down them. They thought it was a fab game.

Update ... alarm clock didn't work. He only ate under duress and because I spoonfed him - although he ate the second 'half' himself. Gave him a smaller porton. Taking plate away just causes huge tantrum. Guess i need to get better at ignoring and not pushing although if I don't push, he won't eat, full stop. Twiglett - thanks for info re portion sizes/amount of food per day ... he eats a great breakfast (1.5 weetabix or bowl of readbrek plus at least 1 slice of toast and 4-6oz milk and a good lunch too so he's getting a good calorie intake from those two meals ... phew, what a sentence!!!)

millie, your ds eats more than my dd! I wouldn't worry too much about tea.
I think you'd be surprised if you persisted in ignoring & not pushing. I find it VERY hard myself not to keep asking dd to carry on eating, usually I still do & I even spoon feed her the odd mouthful too, I know it's hard, but a while back when it had got to the point that she didn't eat anything, I stepped back completely and her appetite DID come back.
Also, if he's eating at breakfast & lunch the way you say, it means he does eat when he wants to, so pushing at teatime might be pointless.

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Okay ... as of tomorrow I'm going to step right back at dinnertime ... although I should think he'll eat tomorrow night's meal which is salmon & pasta.

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What a great thread! Am going to try the dice and then the alarm clock!

I just need to buy a dice and an alarm clock!!

I think this will make ds1 eat by himself too. It drives me crazy having to feed him. I might start taking his plate away as well if he doesnt eat and say sweetly,'OK, it isnt a problem!' and not stress.

Thanks everyone.

clean plate stickers help in our house - a row of eight or so stickers and they get a treat

trefusis -- I think you may be me.

MLL I've only ever put them out of the room maybe once or twice each when they were stroppy three-year olds, for ostentatious messing about, rudeness or deliberate disgustingness. Never had to do it again. But they know I do get cross if they criticise the food, simply because I'm so bloody knackered with three kids, a business and a dysfunctional house that I reckon I'm doing pretty well to get reasonably healthy meals on the table as well. And I kind of expect them to take account of that, which they do, mostly.

Millie, why are you spoonfeeding a nearly-4 year old? If he's hungry he'll eat it anyway. If you feed him he's getting attention for not eating by himself.

It does also help keep things cool if you haven't gone to massive lengths to cook for the children. I tend to do a lot of casseroles and pasta sauces for me and dh, and make enough to save for the children's tea the following day. That way it doesn't feel personal if they won't eat it. That Annabel Karmel has a lot to answer for...