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Original poster

Help 12 year old wont eat at school

39 replies

CrispsandChips · 10/04/2024 15:37

Hello everyone,

I tried to see if anyone has a similar problem but couldn't find any feeds.

I need some advice / ideas if anyone has any. I have a 12 year old boy currently at high school and no matter what I do or give him for school dinner he just wont eat his food and comes back with a full lunchbox every single day - this has been ongoing for about 3 years now.

I've tried:

  • Every creative sandwich / pasta / rice you can imagine.
  • Dinner money so he can choose his own but the same £5 note has been in his school bag for about 12 months - he doesn't even buy the junk foods!
  • Taken him food shopping to chose his own.
  • Filled his box full of his fav's like chicken sticks / jam sandwiches / nutella - chocolate you name it.
  • Not making a fuss about it but talking about keeping ourselves healthy!

When I ask he will just shrug his shoulders and say "I'm not hungry!", his friends all sit and eat and sometimes he comes home and tells me what's in their boxes and I do the same but he still comes home with a full box. I don't think he even looks in his box if I'm really honest because often nothing has moved when I check!

He isn't like this at home - just school. Breakfast is normal - I will overload him with porridge and bananas / fruit because I don't want him to be hungry and tea time is fine too AND he eats lunch if he is at home - his diet is as varied as an average 12 year old. He doesn't indulge after school either - may have a biscuit from time to time but nothing drastic.

He leaves for the bus at 8am and comes home at 4pm essentially not eating for 8 hours!!!

He isn't under or over weight, tired nor sluggish - and there does not appear to be an impact on his behaviour or learning in the day - I just don't understand why he isn't hungry! I have wondered if he is embarrassed eating in front of people...

Has anyone had the same / similar - what did you do? He will eat when he's hungry right?!?!?!?

OP posts:
shepherdsangeldelight · 10/04/2024 15:40

My DS scarcely ever ate at secondary school either.
I think at lot of it is due to lack of time.
He had largish snack when he got home and sometimes would eat a snack at breaktime as well. It was never really an issue.

At 12, he's old enough to sort himself out so I would just back away and let him work out whether he wants to take food or not and whether he wants to eat it or not.

Meganmeccano · 10/04/2024 15:40

Working in schools might I suggest that he is playing football all lunchtime?

Secondly this could be a self-conscious thing. Is he overweight or does he feel he is overweight? Is he ever reluctant to eat in front of others e.g. if friends come over?

In the short term, I'd make sure he had a decent breakfast and had something like a cereal bar to eat on the way home, then provide an afternoon snack when he returns.

shoofly · 10/04/2024 15:43

My younger DS (turns 13 next week) is exactly the same. Leaves house at 7.20, usually home sometime after 4
Loaded up with porridge/toast/ peanut butter for breakfast then try to make sure there's something sensible for him as soon as he walks through the door. I've tried everything.

Meganmeccano · 10/04/2024 15:45

Sorry for the question but is the lunch something from a "non British" cuisine e.g. homemade or authentic Indian/Turkish etc. food? Sadly in my experience children can be really reluctant to open packed lunches with their "home" cuisine in if it's different to others (even if others love eating Britishised versions of curries, hummus and so on regularly) because of rude racist comments from others, often including school staff, or even well meaning comments that draw attention to the fact that the child's lunch is "different".

Original poster
CrispsandChips · 10/04/2024 15:45

Meganmeccano · 10/04/2024 15:40

Working in schools might I suggest that he is playing football all lunchtime?

Secondly this could be a self-conscious thing. Is he overweight or does he feel he is overweight? Is he ever reluctant to eat in front of others e.g. if friends come over?

In the short term, I'd make sure he had a decent breakfast and had something like a cereal bar to eat on the way home, then provide an afternoon snack when he returns.

He eats when his friends stay over. Its only in school time - I never asked the football question .......

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 10/04/2024 15:46

If you were to go out for day, would be eat a picnic/packed lunch then?

I was the same at school... I didn't like the food sitting in a bag all day. But I ate crisps etc.

TheCatterall · 10/04/2024 15:46

My youngest was self conscious about people seeing him eat. Now 24 and still is.

we made/found snacks he could eat quickly and easily throughout the day.

Dried fruit, snack bars, savoury bites etc.
yoghurt and protein drinks.

Something to eat on way home.

substantial meal when home. .

Original poster
CrispsandChips · 10/04/2024 15:50

Meganmeccano · 10/04/2024 15:45

Sorry for the question but is the lunch something from a "non British" cuisine e.g. homemade or authentic Indian/Turkish etc. food? Sadly in my experience children can be really reluctant to open packed lunches with their "home" cuisine in if it's different to others (even if others love eating Britishised versions of curries, hummus and so on regularly) because of rude racist comments from others, often including school staff, or even well meaning comments that draw attention to the fact that the child's lunch is "different".

No I don't believe there are any cultural issues, I know the school choices are quite varied as its a multicultural school and he will talk about his Polish friends and their food choices and how they are different to things he will eat etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrispsandChips · 10/04/2024 15:51

shepherdsangeldelight · 10/04/2024 15:40

My DS scarcely ever ate at secondary school either.
I think at lot of it is due to lack of time.
He had largish snack when he got home and sometimes would eat a snack at breaktime as well. It was never really an issue.

At 12, he's old enough to sort himself out so I would just back away and let him work out whether he wants to take food or not and whether he wants to eat it or not.

Do you just continue to send food in with them and remain hopeful?

OP posts:
Original poster
CrispsandChips · 10/04/2024 15:52

PuttingDownRoots · 10/04/2024 15:46

If you were to go out for day, would be eat a picnic/packed lunch then?

I was the same at school... I didn't like the food sitting in a bag all day. But I ate crisps etc.

hmmmm I never thought about food sitting in a bag - temperature etc - I might try a cooler bag.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrispsandChips · 10/04/2024 15:53

I'm clearly not alone here!
These ideas are great I am going to try a few thank you

OP posts:
Meganmeccano · 10/04/2024 15:57

CrispsandChips · 10/04/2024 15:45

He eats when his friends stay over. Its only in school time - I never asked the football question .......

Show quote history

Or if they are allowed phones / have tablets or laptops are they playing on those ?

Agree with other posters that there is no issue in itself as quite a few teenagers don't eat at school (I was one of them, but that's 30 years ago now !)

Meganmeccano · 10/04/2024 15:58

CrispsandChips · 10/04/2024 15:50

No I don't believe there are any cultural issues, I know the school choices are quite varied as its a multicultural school and he will talk about his Polish friends and their food choices and how they are different to things he will eat etc.

Show quote history

That sounds like a healthy and kind environment.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 10/04/2024 15:59

It doesn't sound as if the lunch itself is the problem so probably it is the environment.

The not eating is could be a measure of how he reacts (inwardly rather than outwardly) to school just now.

School is a very stimulating environment (in good and bad ways).

Humans don't digest things well -or want to eat- when feeling tense/alert/or excited.

I think that it isn't unusual not to eat lunch at school. Having see the state of buses after a pm school run, I think that many children eat on the way home and so parents don't even know about this fasting.

He might be excited (so under stress) or tense/frightened (so under strain). The second would be of concern and it is worth keeping an eye on that.

He has good food on hand -so when he really feels safe and settled he is likely to start eating again.

An 8 hour gap isn't terrible if he is well-fed during other hours. (We go longer than that without food overnight of course.)

BusterGonad · 10/04/2024 16:00

My son wouldn't really eat at school, but now he has a wrap and a cereal bar. Easy hand held food. No mess or smells. I'm sure you've tried them though.

Butfirstcoffee3 · 10/04/2024 16:02

My 12 and 13 year olds are the same as this! My daughter says it’s embarrassing to eat at school, son just says he isn’t hungry. I’ve long given up, I’m not there to force feed them so I just make sure that they have breakfast, they both make a snack as soon as they get in about 4 and then eat dinner afterwards at the normal time. They have £10 on their school food account and I remind them from time to time, suggest they get a snack at break instead but they never spend it. Weight wise they are normal range so I have stopped stressing about it.

Original poster
CrispsandChips · 10/04/2024 16:07

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 10/04/2024 15:59

It doesn't sound as if the lunch itself is the problem so probably it is the environment.

The not eating is could be a measure of how he reacts (inwardly rather than outwardly) to school just now.

School is a very stimulating environment (in good and bad ways).

Humans don't digest things well -or want to eat- when feeling tense/alert/or excited.

I think that it isn't unusual not to eat lunch at school. Having see the state of buses after a pm school run, I think that many children eat on the way home and so parents don't even know about this fasting.

He might be excited (so under stress) or tense/frightened (so under strain). The second would be of concern and it is worth keeping an eye on that.

He has good food on hand -so when he really feels safe and settled he is likely to start eating again.

An 8 hour gap isn't terrible if he is well-fed during other hours. (We go longer than that without food overnight of course.)

This has given me a lot to think about thank you. I never considered the food hall might be the issue.

OP posts:
Wavingnotdrown1ng · 10/04/2024 16:09

My DD won’t eat at school for a number of reasons: autism ( so the noise aspect of canteens etc), not liking cold food, not liking eating around other people, OCD and concerns about food hygiene. She doesn’t eat until she gets home from school and has been like this for years. She is perfectly healthy.

Original poster
CrispsandChips · 10/04/2024 16:11

Butfirstcoffee3 · 10/04/2024 16:02

My 12 and 13 year olds are the same as this! My daughter says it’s embarrassing to eat at school, son just says he isn’t hungry. I’ve long given up, I’m not there to force feed them so I just make sure that they have breakfast, they both make a snack as soon as they get in about 4 and then eat dinner afterwards at the normal time. They have £10 on their school food account and I remind them from time to time, suggest they get a snack at break instead but they never spend it. Weight wise they are normal range so I have stopped stressing about it.

This is exactly the same as my experiences - Maybe I do need to try and take that step back and remind him the money is on his card to use it at his leisure rather than keep repeating myself now and ultimately wasting food and money. It's good that your children talk to you about it. Mine just shrugs his shoulders!

OP posts:
Original poster
CrispsandChips · 10/04/2024 16:13

Wavingnotdrown1ng · 10/04/2024 16:09

My DD won’t eat at school for a number of reasons: autism ( so the noise aspect of canteens etc), not liking cold food, not liking eating around other people, OCD and concerns about food hygiene. She doesn’t eat until she gets home from school and has been like this for years. She is perfectly healthy.

Thank you, I am getting a real sense that a lot of people are dealing with this issue so I feel a bit easier about it now. Someone else mentioned sensory and noise in the food hall which I hadn't thought about before and another has suggest temp of food - food sitting in bags all day becoming warm to this could be linked to sensory too. Sometimes it's hard to stay positive through worry!

OP posts:
BigPretty · 10/04/2024 16:15

Ì work in a secondary school and think it's common for kids not to eat very much at school. It isn't a very nice environment for eating if I'm honest. Staff often just shove something in their face on the hoof too. School canteens are so busy and loud. I'd rather not eat than eat in there! Ditto eating outside in the quad.

I'd just feed him plenty before and after school. If he eats at 8am and then again at 4pm it isn't ideal, but he also won't starve. Give him snacks he can keep in his bag as well. It sounds stupid, but getting a whole box out can be too much effort for some kids, but grabbing a snack from his bag and eating it on the move might not be. Also some sort of substantial shake / smoothie might be good

BigPretty · 10/04/2024 16:17

They also don't get long for lunch in my school. By the time theyve queued up for food at the canteen, they don't have time to eat much. It's actually really rubbish imo, but seems to be common in secondary

SambaRose · 10/04/2024 16:17

I didn't used to eat at school apart from the odd sweet or can of drink.
It was a combination of other people's food, the smell of school dinners, my own slightly squashed sandwich and the general school environment.
Even now as an adult I get put off food if the surroundings aren't right and I still don't like packed lunches.
If it helps I often didn't realise how hungry I was until I was eating my tea.

Original poster
CrispsandChips · 10/04/2024 16:31

BigPretty · 10/04/2024 16:15

Ì work in a secondary school and think it's common for kids not to eat very much at school. It isn't a very nice environment for eating if I'm honest. Staff often just shove something in their face on the hoof too. School canteens are so busy and loud. I'd rather not eat than eat in there! Ditto eating outside in the quad.

I'd just feed him plenty before and after school. If he eats at 8am and then again at 4pm it isn't ideal, but he also won't starve. Give him snacks he can keep in his bag as well. It sounds stupid, but getting a whole box out can be too much effort for some kids, but grabbing a snack from his bag and eating it on the move might not be. Also some sort of substantial shake / smoothie might be good

I think this is a great idea - adding things lose rather than his big box might be better for him

OP posts:
idontlikealdi · 10/04/2024 16:31

If you're overloading on breakfast he probably isn't hungry. At 12 he can sort his own breakfast if he wants it. Dts are 12 and hardly ever have breakfast, neither do I.

He's probably playing football.

My kids get 35 minutes for lunch. School dinners are off the cards as they have to ram it down in five minutes by the time they've got through the queue. They want to be with ther mates not standing in a queue. They don't take much in for lunch but they do eat pizza at break.