Help me feed my family!

[Frustratedcook]

Hi,

I love food. I love cooking, I love eating, I love experimenting with food. I have very few dislikes, and those that I have are quite easy dislikes to avoid. Food has helped me through some difficult times - had a life-changing bereavement a few years ago, did some cookery courses to cheer myself up. Always looked forward to the day that, if I was lucky enough to have a family, making lovely dinners and sitting down with them. I say all this to set the scene.

What I have ended up with is three incredibly fussy children, and a husband who, as well as already being a bit fussy, has developed a number of intolerances. As well as the diagnosed intolerances (which I have catered for without any fuss) he's also very coincidentally saying that he thinks he's intolerant to things that previously didn't like. The kids are 6, 7 and 9, and I hoped things would be easier now, but no. DH cooks dinner a few times a week, I do the rest. He can't really cook that well, so he cooks the same three meals every week that he knows everyone will eat. I can't deal with eating exactly the same things every week, so I try to bring in a bit of variety. But I'm really, really struggling, and it's really getting me down.

This is the list of things that at least one person will not eat, either through dislikes or intolerances (both diagnosed and undiagnosed):
Pasta in a sauce other than tomato
Rice
Couscous
Potatoes in any form
Garlic bread, unless it's shaped like a pizza
Vegetables other than carrots, or very finely chopped onion
Noodles, unless they're done one particular way, and that includes one of DH's diagnosed intolerances
Most fruit
Meat if it looks like meat - processed meat and things made of mince are OK
Most cheese
Ham
Creamy things
Anything with nuts in
Fish, unless it's fish fingers
Prawns or any seafood
Too much garlic
Too little garlic
Coconut
Most curries
Anything too spicy
Anything too eggy (quiche is OK)
Most pies
Takeaways (apart from pizza)
Crusty bread
Most table sauces (apple, cranberry etc) apart from ketchup

I've had enough of trying to keep everybody happy. Kids were brought up as babies and toddlers being offered lots of new things. There are no sensory issues or medical problems with the kids. My shopping order is taking so long. I've asked for what people want and the only answer is pizza and burger. I try and put something on the plate that everyone will eat, but that means that sometimes kids are only eating bread, or carrots for dinner. I try not to let the frustration show, and I think they're all only now realising how tricky it is to cater for them.

Any tips? It's really getting me down that something that brings me so much pleasure is becoming a really unpleasant chore. DH can't cook more frequently due to working hours. I've announced that this week I'm going back to basics and serving up really dull food - just plain meat or fish, plain potatoes and plain veg. I'd rather they left food that has been no effort for me.

Oooh, that was an essay. Sorry!

I'm exhausted just reading the list!!!

Home made pizzas? Either buy plain bases or just use wraps. Provide a selection of toppings on the table and everyone makes their own pizza to their liking

What are the meals everyone DOES eat? Maybe we can think of some twists to those.

Will they eat chicken?? I will marinade chicken for myself and the non fussy members of the family and just cook plain chicken for the fussy ones. That at least gives you some variety.

Meatballs and spaghetti.
Roast dinners.
I’m guessing soup would be a no??

I would keep serving veges and fruit but try doing them in different ways. For example steamed cauliflower is not popular in my house but they love it roasted.

It’s not easy - that’s a really huge list of no go food.

If stick with your approach of offering meals with separate parts that others can take or leave. So be it if all they have is rice / carrots that meal.

DD is a very plain eater so recently I've been doing fewer casserole / curry type meals and instead cooking plain meat / fish then adding stuff just for us.

Stuff I use to jazz up very plain food:

Salsa verde type toppings
Nuts in general
Blue cheese
Feta / leek topping on chicken / pork
Steak sauces
Chilli / nuts / coriander / lime
Thai marinade
BBQ sauce
Lemon & rosemary
Satay

Do any of them like crudite style veg? If I know DD / DS won't like the veg I'm planning for dinner I put a bowl of chopped veg in front of them whilst I cook so they've had some before dinner instead.

@MarmiteCoriander

I'm exhausted just reading the list!!!

Home made pizzas? Either buy plain bases or just use wraps. Provide a selection of toppings on the table and everyone makes their own pizza to their liking

What are the meals everyone DOES eat? Maybe we can think of some twists to those.

Home made pizzas are OK, we do that quite regularly. They ignore the veg toppings though, and will only put pepperoni on.

Things that they will all eat - pizza, burgers, spag bol ( some other tomatoey sauces are OK), chilli, freezer food with beans (no chips, waffles, anything like that) but they're the meals that DH cooks, so I can't even have an easy night doing one of those. I try and vary them, so different types of burgers etc, but it's still not great. I do cook some of the stuff in the list above, but there are so few meals that everybody likes, it's impossible.

Honestly, I would do a lot of basic meals with a couple of vegetables and a sauce on the side and a choice of carb, then a pudding of fruit. No one (inc your dh) gets to make any derogatory comments about the food, or the way others choose to eat (ie, table sauce addition, food combination) and no comments about anyone eating or not eating things.
So your some acceptable curries can have a choice of naan or rice, maybe a daal with it, mango/lime chutney. The acceptable noodles, dh can have plain noodles with another sauce or the intolerant component removed. DIY fajitas with chicken/cheese/rice/avocado/refried beans on the table for people to pick their components from.
Only you know how much faffing with meals you can put up with making, but if you make things where at least an element of it pleases you, and you can freeze extra to pull out another time to add to your meals

Seems you need meals with many components so people can pick and mix

Thinks like wraps might work

Chicken for those who will eat it, carrot sticks, peppers, cucumber etc all separate so those who only like one thing can just have the one thing

Variety of sauces, mayo, guacamole etc then everybody builds their own meal

I couldn’t even get through that list. I’d cook what you want to eat, serve it in the middle of the table and it’s toast / fruit if you won’t eat what’s been prepared.

Sorry just seen this has already been suggested

@Rainbowqueeen

Will they eat chicken?? I will marinade chicken for myself and the non fussy members of the family and just cook plain chicken for the fussy ones. That at least gives you some variety. Meatballs and spaghetti. Roast dinners. I’m guessing soup would be a no??

I would keep serving veges and fruit but try doing them in different ways. For example steamed cauliflower is not popular in my house but they love it roasted.

It’s not easy - that’s a really huge list of no go food.

Chicken in any non-nugget form will be eaten by three of us max. Roast dinners feel like too much effort for the result - two won't eat potatoes, three won't eat the veg, only two of us like gravy. Soup is a no for two of the kids, and one of them will only eat one variety of soup. I continue to do veg and fruit. The only ones they reliably eat are carrots and bananas.

It is a huge list. Ignoring the intolerances, it feels like everybody expects all their dinners to be something they absolutely love, they can't cope with it not being their ideal dinner. I ate loads of things as a child that I wasn't that keen on, and still do as an adult. DH's spag bol is really not my favourite, but it's OK so I eat it.

Yes what are the 3 meals your DH does on rotation? I think you might have to accept that meals will be quite plain and repetitive for a while, and that some days some people won't eat the main bit of the meal or much at all, so long as they eat something? For years and years we had a side of plain white sliced buttered bread cut into triangles (NOT quarters!) and sliced raw carrot and cucumber with every single meal, regardless of the appropriateness of that (sliced bread with curry, why not?) as those were literally the only things one child would reliably eat. It will get better I promise, even if it takes a lot longer than people say it should to resolve, and I found ensuring there were always 'safe' foods available took a lot of the stress away from me and them. Putting everything on the table in big dishes and letting everyone serve themselves (of everything other than 'best bits' also helped us as no-one ever had to have anything on their plate they didn't want and meant the eclectic 'melange' of foods was less weird... This is also totally MN unacceptable these days (my kids are grown up too) but at least twice a week, sometimes more I would feed the kids on beige freezer food or ready made pizzas or similar and have a 'grown up' dinner just me and DH so we could have at least some variety and no-one caught scurvy or was malnourished, I know your DH is part of the problem but if you only have one fussy person to cater for you could be a bit more adventurous compared to 4?

Reliable favourites that are easily adapted and worked well for us are:

-Soup and a sandwich (both elements optional, make your own sandwich with preferred fillings and bread type)
-Homemade burgers, with chips, coleslaw and salad. Your potato refuser will get at least some carb from the bun, coleslaw and salad are optional and if you make homemade veggie patties you may be able to sneak in some extra veg in there?
-Shop bought pre-filled raviolis, with a tomato sauce (optional, you can just melt some butter or drizzle some oil over and have them plain), green salad
-Breakfast for dinner, sausages, eggs, bacon, toast, baked beans, mushrooms, everyone picks the elements they'll eat.
-'Mezze' night with hummus, taramasalata/babaganoush, pitta breads, crudites, olives, greek style pastries (you can buy these frozen in the supermarket or if you have the time make your own with ready made filo), maybe some spicy greek or turkish sausage - again mix and match what parts you like?
-If they like pizza would they go for a 'chose your own topping' puff pastry open tart style thing? Just roll out ready made puff, top with virtually anything - cheese/pre-cooked meats/vegetables, cook for 15-20 mins and serve with salad or green veg for those that will eat it?

What are the actual intolerances? I can come up with potential dishes once I have those, I had the fussiest child alive at one point!

Simplify your life. It sounds like the undiagnosed "intoreances" are fictitious and are just preferences or fussiness.
I would put up one meal and get everyone to eat the same.
The list provided gives very little opportunity to make meals especially as part of a balanced diet.
You need to persevere and re-educate the families palette to make your life easier and mealtimes more enjoyable.

Would it help to involve the children in food preparation and cooking it?
It’s quite surprising what kids can avoid eating & still thrive. For example I know an autistic teen who has lived on mostly bread sticks and tomato ketchup. Doctor told mum to stop worrying and feed what he will eat. He’s not malnourished and at 16 is tall and active. His choices are just beginning to broaden.
In yr shoes I think I’d continue to serve up the dull food if that’s what they’ll eat & maybe sometimes you’d cook something more exciting for yourself & have a friend over for supper to enjoy it?
Sounds like you’re a really good mum & it’s great you enjoy cooking a variety of cuisine. Stay calm at meal times and maybe in time as the kids mature, you’ll see a turn around if food is not served with a dish of drama at the table.

Oh OP I can massively empathise - so similar in our house 😩

I agree with providing different toppings / condiments to zhuzsh boring meals up.

We’re staying with family over Easter (first time in over 2 years) and I’m trying to coach the most fussy one into at least having reasonable manners regarding food they’re less enthusiastic about!

Thanks for all your replies. There's certainly a couple of suggestions I'd not thought of. Maybe I have to let go somewhat, let them eat what they want, and as long as they're eating a reasonable amount, live with it. It's only me who's going to end up stressed.

And maybe when it gets too frustrating I'll order a takeaway for myself!

My kids favourite meal at little ones was soft tacos - mince with taco seasoning, soft wraps, sour cream, grated cheese, avocado slices/guacamole, salad. Also liked fajitas served the same but chicken and peppers, except one picked the peppers and onion out

@gogohm

What are the actual intolerances? I can come up with potential dishes once I have those, I had the fussiest child alive at one point!

The actual intolerances? Nuts of all kinds. So not that many. And it's not a full-blown life-threatening allergy. We can have nuts in the house.

How about sausage plait, pasties or meatloaf? Jacket potato with choice of fillings?

I would get the kids to pick 3 things each they absolutely hate and then go from there
Dislike isn't a reason, I would much rather live off pizza than broccoli but..

A pasta dish i have fooled mine with is finely chopped onion, can of anchovies, teaspoon capers, tin of tomatoes, Oregano, garlic (to taste), a chilli (seeds removed) finely chopped and chopped parsley at the end, mix with spaghetti, really doesn't taste fishy.

Another idea try cutting up boneless chicken thighs, mix in a dressing made of a little soy sauce, rice wine and chopped ginger and garlic, mix in corn flour so it's coated then pan fry, makes chicken seem more processed!

Did the children get more picky when your DH started having more 'intolerances'??? If the kids don't have any sensory issues, I do feel that its dads attitude to food that is influencing theirs. I think its DH that needs to change, be more positive, try different things and the kids 'might' follow in time.

I'm amazed people with such restricted diets aren't constipated all the time from a lack of fibre?

I too was going to suggest things where everyone can make their own:

• chilli mince which could be put into wraps, tacos or nachos. People can then add cheese, lettuce, tomato etc to their own

-sang choy bow (chinese lettuce cups with an asian inspired mince inside). You can mix and match the veg inside.
www.recipetineats.com/san-choy-bow-chinese-lettuce-wraps/

• Raclette or fondue?

• Warm salads?

I assume you have tried hiding vegetables into meals by pureeing them in? I think there is a toddler book about ways to hide veg in various meals including courgette brownies, beetroot chocolate cake etc.

This too isn't a meal, but might help add some fibre. Can you have hazelnuts in the house though?:
hemsleyandhemsley.com/recipe/bbtella-spread/

Nrtft.....Meatballs in tomato sauce with pasta

Perhaps some one-pot dishes based around carbs other than potatoes might be an idea. Something like an orzo risotto or a cassoulet (as they like baked beans this might be a winner!) As they’re fans of processed meat, would a very slow cooked beef stew with super tender meat be totally off the table? Or perhaps pulled pork served in rolls? You can also grate courgettes, carrots, aubergine etc into tomato based sauces to sneak some more veggies in. Oooh and what about a turkey or chicken meatloaf? Or homemade chicken escalopes? It’s a shame they don’t like potatoes, but something like a bean salad/pasta salad/simply bread and butter would be an option to serve alongside it. Just make sure that you always have a delicious vegetable side and offer it to everyone else - as long as they’re eating their carrots, tomato sauces and maybe fresh fruit smoothies, they’re not going to get scurvy and will eventually broaden their horizons! Good luck!

I have some intolerances myself (gluten, lentils, some veg) although I'm not fussy. I've also got 3 children and 2 are extremely restricted eaters (1 almost certainly has ASD, her assessment is next month). This is what I do:

Fussy eaters essentially get the same food on repeat and I do my best to get 5 a day into them if I possibly can but don't worry too much that there's not much variety. It's mainly freezer food or pasta in smooth tomato sauce although DD eats plain chicken too and some veg. DS eats one specific toddler meal, one specific soup, baked beans or sausages. I do challenge/encourage them to try new things regularly and have had some success with the older one over the years but I also keep meals intentionally low stress.

I then cook a decent healthy meal for the three of us that eat normally. Sometimes I'll do pizza, pasta or sausages for everyone but at least 5 days a week I cook different things which means we get variety and the younger children eat and aren't too stressed.

I appreciate your kids don't have sensory issues and you might want to take a different tack but just wanted to share what has worked for us.