Fussy children getting worse with age

[haveaday]

I don't know how this has happened. I love food, I love (loved) cooking and I'm a pretty decent home cook. Over the last couple of years my 3 children have regressed with their food preferences to being extremely fussy. They are 16, 13 and 9 and once upon a time we used to enjoy a whole range of healthy, tasty home cooked food. we now have such food anxiety that my 9 year old will ask what's for breakfast lunch and dinner when I tuck her in a night. And then worry about it all night.

My 13 year old is the worst she point blank refuses to eat anything containing meat that I have cooked. (She's not vegetarian, she eats McDonald's) I was making her veggie sausages, grilled halloumi, soya mince etc based meals but now she is refusing these too. She won't eat vegetables except cucumber. She eats loads of fruit though on the upside and occasionally will have toast. She won't eat anything with cheese or any kind of sauce on pasta. She won't eat chips or mashed potato.

My 16 year old has sensory issues so a lot of his food choices are around that. He's obsessed with tomatoes, I have to hide them and then ration them back into the fridge otherwise he'd eat every single one in the fridge in one sitting. He won't eat anything creamy, sticky, gooey, cheesy, he won't eat chips or bread or anything that has lemon on it. He won't eat freezer food. He will eat most meat and most veg and apples but no soft fruit like berries or bananas.

My 9 year old won't eat potatoes or anything with a sauce (pasta/noodles/gravy on a roast/bbq sauce on chicken etc) she won't eat anything with onions (Bolognese, chilli, stews, cottage pies all out) there's more but I'm too tired to go into it.

I'm utterly exhausted by it all and meal times are a horrible affair where everyone gets upset because I can't please everyone every meal without making 3 different things. I've tried getting them to cook with me, I've tried getting them to meal plan, I've tried getting them to cook independently (for the whole family) but it doesn't work.

I've stopped cooking for myself now too and I'm living on takeaways and ready meals because the thought of cooking just makes me cry.

How can I resolve this situation?

What will the 13yr old actually eat meal wise?
I’m trying to figure some common ground between them but it’s tricky! Rice?
Pasta?
Cous cous?
Fish?
Eggs?
If you go out to eat what would each choose?

Did something happen previously that may have triggered this change in behaviour?

I’m not sure this is about the food.

What’s caused these anxieties?

@AtleastitsnotMonday

What will the 13yr old actually eat meal wise? I’m trying to figure some common ground between them but it’s tricky! Rice? Pasta? Cous cous? Fish? Eggs? If you go out to eat what would each choose?

If we go out she would choose something like sweet potato fries, halloumi or hummus and pita bread, sometimes a Caesar salad without chicken or egg or anything like that just lettuce, dressing and croutons. She likes avocado.

She's not keen on rice or couscous or eggs and definitely no fish. She only eats pasta plain without sauce or cheese which isn't really a meal.

She will eat McDonald's but only a double cheese burger no pickles and fries. Nothing else.

@Endofmytether2

Did something happen previously that may have triggered this change in behaviour?

Nothing that I can put my finger on. It's definitely got a lot worse for all of them during lockdown but it was happening before too.

@LividJabber

I’m not sure this is about the food.

What’s caused these anxieties?

I'm not sure. Maybe it's a reaction to lockdown or maybe they just realised their siblings were getting away with not eating a certain thing and decided they weren't going to eat anything they 'kind of didn't like' either.

Every-time I go shopping I ask what they want and they always say I don't know.

I think you need a break from it all. It sounds like the whole food situation is stressing everyone out. Do you have a dp? Could they help at all?
Sit down with your family and calmly explain that this isn’t sustainable. People either need to be more flexible with what they will eat or step up to the plate with meal planning and cooking.
Take a week off meal plan for you for a week with food you will enjoy (preferably things that you would have once enjoyed as a family).
Share this with your family. If they are happy to eat this great, you’ll cook it for them. If not they will need to plan and cook their own. (Insist that they plan a balanced meal not just a cop out of a can of coke and a mars bar.) They will then need to either provide you with a shopping list of specific ingredients. It may be that if some of this is just fussiness, when it inconveniences them they will be less fussy.

Obviously the 9year old would need more help, but make sure she is early involved.

Just put out a selection of fruit / veg/bread / cheese and cold meats and let them graze.

Buy a raclette so you and they can cook at the table, just add some raw meat.

When they get fed up ask them what they want to be cooked and tell them to cook it.

Raclette offers enough variety for every meal so they will not be going without nutrition,

It sounds like they're feeding off each other, excuse the pun, and competing for attention.

The 16 and 13 yo even the 9 yo can cook and be involved. My kids cooked fajitas at the weekend, which work well because they can pick and choose the bits they want. They're 9.

I absolutely wouldn't pander to cooking different meals for all of them.

They would starve if they were my children, seriously. I don't have time for that.

I think I'd be inclined to go on strike. Keep the fridge and cupboards stocked, but stop cooking for them. The older two are old enough to cook for themselves, and even the youngest one should be able to help herself from a full fridge.

Either they'll miss you cooking and start to "relax" their restrictions in an attempt to get normal service to resume, or they won't, but they won't starve either, and you'll have removed a source of stress for yourself.

Full disclosure mind - my kids are younger and nowhere near as fussy. But I wanted to cry just reading your post, I can't imagine how hard it must be living through it. I think people who don't have to do it have no idea how hard it is keeping a family fed.

At 16, 13 and 9, honestly, they are old enough to eat what you make or go hungry.

You make a family meal and plate it up for them. You make sure that what you give to the 16 y/o meets his sensory needs and any other medical needs that they have, but you don't take requests. Once it's made and served you don't make changes or cook an alternative. You remind your kids that you are a mum, not a personal sous chef.

If they kick up a fuss and behave badly at dinner time then they lose privileges. If they don't eat you don't tell them off, but they will go hungry. Repeat.

A lot of this stuff is literally about standing your ground and not giving in. You are pandering to them way too much.

I think, if your eldest has sensory issues around food, there is a good chance the others have similar traits. I would seek professional advice now your DD is really restrictive and your youngest has food anxiety. Maybe have a look into ARFID (avoidant and restrictive food intake disorder).

As a parent of a DC with ASD/ARFID, you just have to go with it so I would say the best thing you can do is make your life easier by finding a meal plan (for say 14 days) that works for everyone or has simple substitutions that require little or no effort eg plain pasta instead of mash for the non mash eaters, frozen sweet potato fries or a plain chicken breast that can be stuck in the oven and forgotten while you cook the main dish, a plate of cucumber served with dinner every night to replace the veg that everyone else is having, serve a plate of fruit for pudding every night.

Get the older DC to help with cooking and make sure you have a regular night off - either from cooking or when you cook what you like and they fend for themselves or you get a takeaway. You need a break from the monotony as much as a break from cooking!

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal thank you! It wasn't always this bad.

I might do as poster above said and just put things out they can help themselves to. Maybe I'll do that exactly the same for a week and see if they get bored and want me to cook 😱🤣

A lot of this stuff is literally about standing your ground and not giving in. You are pandering to them way too much.

I think this is probably far more than fussy eating if the youngest is so anxious they are losing sleep over the next day's meals. There is no point standing your ground with a DC who has genuine issues, they would rather starve than eat something they have an issue with. Standing your ground is just going to increase anxiety and make things a whole lot worse.

@chesirecat99 thank you. I've not heard of arfid but I've had a quick google and it sounds exactly like my 13yo. She tells me she's a super taster and that it's not her fault she hates everything. I'll definitely have a look into more.

I just want tea time to not be battlefield every night

What chesirecat99 says.
All of it.
If they're tending towards ARFID no amount of threats, denial, rewards etc will change anything. You need to preserve your own sanity sometimes.

Ideally you should be able to get some outside help. Unfortunately it's not anyone's priority so you'll probably be left to manage it yourself.

@chesirecat99

A lot of this stuff is literally about standing your ground and not giving in. You are pandering to them way too much.

I think this is probably far more than fussy eating if the youngest is so anxious they are losing sleep over the next day's meals. There is no point standing your ground with a DC who has genuine issues, they would rather starve than eat something they have an issue with. Standing your ground is just going to increase anxiety and make things a whole lot worse.

I disagree.

I would actually say that some of this anxiety is possibly caused by the pandering to so many "dislikes" in the first place.

I understand that of course sensory issues are very real and difficult, which is why I say it is important that whatever OP makes for the 16 y/o must cater to his established sensory needs. If OP feels that the others may also have genuine sensory or medical needs then they need to see a GP to talk about that, and from there they find a way to cater for it.

However, OP has stated that her kids are just deciding that they aren't going to eat something they "kind of don't like" and that they previously enjoyed a varied diet but have now regressed. It may be that they are rubbing off on each other and it is creating a general anxiety about food in all of them, and knowing that their mum is pandering to that and will cater for each of their preferences makes it even more difficult as soon as there's something that's not "quite right". The 9 year old is probably watching her fussy older siblings say they won't eat this or that and not knowing what on earth to do around food herself.

They should simply be served something at meal times which caters to their genuine needs but is non-negotiable, and they are then free to either eat it or not. If they don't eat it there are no consequences or punishments, no telling off for that, but they will be hungry.

If they kick up a fuss and misbehave then there should be consequences/ punishments, but it needs to be clear that this is about the behaviour/ manners and not about them not eating - that's their choice.

My eldest sounds like your 9 year old. DH is veggie but I eat meat, so we also have "fun" mealtimes. My sympathies to you.

I think we're at the point with our eldest that he's bored by the foods he does deem safe to eat, so doesn't want them, but obviously does like some stronger flavours (has eaten brown sauce and humous in the past, likes chorizo) nut won't allow himself to try them.

We are the families that all inclusive holidays were made for, as it allows you to avoid having to cook a variety of options but I'd be concerned about how nutritionally balanced some of these restrictions are. Can you speak to your GP and see if help is available for the family as a whole?

Have a look at this (Canadian) workbook for ARFID - it’s a staged approach to tackling the issues that I’ve found v helpful with my DC.

keltyeatingdisorders.ca/resource/arfid-workbook/

If they don't eat it there are no consequences or punishments, no telling off for that, but they will be hungry

Unless you've had a child that would rather repeatedly starve than eat the food put out for them to the point of losing weight, I'm not sure that's the best advice.
Add anxiety into the mix and you're having to deal with problems which tough love won't touch.

Sorry I haven't rtft but I think this may be a combination of things:

• DC are living too much of their lives on line now and not in RL. On-line is all shiny and clean and immaculate surfaces and influencers with shiny white teeth and homes with nothing out of place. In reality, no one lives like this, RL is a bit messy, with proper smells and textures and heat and cold etc. As a result, DC are less able to cope with reality. And food falls in to one of those "lifestyle" areas of life that is different on line to how it is at home.

• I have a totally unsubstantiated theory that teens tend to go for safe "beige" food , similar to when toddlers become fussy , because they have a similar degree of brain plasticity. So just when teens are branching out and leaving their home, sticking to a few trusted foods protects them from eating anything too exotic which could be dangerous, just like fussy toddlers. And maybe your eight year old is being influenced by her older siblings?

• Who knows but there certainly is a shed load of content on-line aimed at teens about what we should be eating, lots of content about fitness and looking good and drinking whacko protein shakes. All so that one is perfect, looks perfect, behaves perfectly. All of which creates massive anxiety about not being good enough, looking beautiful enough, or doing well enough.

Another thought; do your DC have sufficient control in other areas of their lives op? Not relating to food I mean? Lockdown has meant that, despite parents best efforts, we have perhaps ended up doing more for our DC, than is optimum? I know I have.

@campion

If they don't eat it there are no consequences or punishments, no telling off for that, but they will be hungry

Unless you've had a child that would rather repeatedly starve than eat the food put out for them to the point of losing weight, I'm not sure that's the best advice.
Add anxiety into the mix and you're having to deal with problems which tough love won't touch.

OP hasn't said that they would rather starve, though. She said they have recently (since lockdown) become more fussy, refusing to eat stuff that they previously would, and it sounds like she hasn't actually tried just being more strict.

If there are genuine concerns that they are starving then obviously she needs to take them to the GP and get the appropriate input around sensory difficulties, possibly autism etc. But from what OP has said we don't know that this is the case.

People are very quick to diagnose problems with kids when actually it might just be that they have struggled emotionally with lockdown and this has had an impact on their eating habits which needs addressing with a no-nonsense approach.

I don't know why you wouldn't try that before crying out "all my children have autism and sensory needs and must eat dry pasta forever".

(Also just for context, I have several family members who are autistic and have various issues around food, and pretty extensive experience with dealing with that. I'm just saying that this is not always the case, especially if it's a recent change in behaviour).