OK you vipers - critique my birthday afternoon tea menu

[KickAssAngel]

So - I'm turning 50 this year and yesterday I just had a brand new oven fitted! Obviously, although it's months until my birthday, I need to start planning the menu and practising the recipes.

I'm thinking I'll have an informal open house with afternoon tea type snacks. DH will do drinks (he knows nothing about this yet, but he will). I'm a Brit living in the US and people will be VERY excited about getting a 'real' English afternoon tea.

So here's my first plans for snacks provided:
Veg platter (carrots, peppers, etc & dip), cheese & biscuit platter, & fruit platter. I'll buy these.

Cucumber sandwiches in brown bread.
Tuna mayo sandwiches in white bread
Mini quiches - asparagus & salmon; red pepper & chorizo
Scones with whipped cream & a slice of strawberry
Scones with clotted cream & strawberry jam (I need both kinds of scones as some people are so horrified at how fattening the clotted cream is. Plus, I have to make the clotted cream and it's v.v. expensive for a small amount)
Swiss roll with apricot jam & vanilla buttercream filling
BIG gooey chocolate cake with all sorts of fancy decorations and glitz.

It's only meant to be light snacks, rather than a meal, for about 20 people.

How would you improve this? Or is it perfect?

Sounds like loads! I wouldn't bother with he Swiss roll, maybe too many similar sweet things!

Sausage rolls?
Shortbread?

A birthday cake I hope!

Sounds bloody lovely OP can I come?!

Agree Greggs for authenticity sausage rolls might be nice.

Sway there is no such thing as too much afternoon tea

I'd put out the scones, jam, creams etc separately and let people put whatever combination they want on, I've never seen them served already assembled. I'd also probably do a few more types of sandwich, just to cater for different tastes. Maybe ham, egg mayo. Otherwise it sounds lovely.

Sausage rolls are a problem - getting hold of English style sausage meat isn't easy. It just doesn't taste the same when it's American sausage meat wrapped in pastry!
Also, as much as I love them they are quite 'stodgy' (a word that American love but haven't heard before the GBBS did boiled puddings) and I don't want to give that impression of British baking.

You're all welcome, btw. I'm about 4,000 miles from the UK.

I used to many many years ago work for a catering company who did afternoon teas for events.
Standard was:
cucumber, Smoked salmon and cream cheese, Ham and pickle, Cheese savoury type filling sandwiches.
2 fruit scones with jam and clotted cream
3 smallish cake items and a chocolate.

Oh and lots and lots of tea!

I think your menu sounds great. The only thing I'd change would be maybe add another sandwich.

If I don’t get taken out somewhere posh and waited on hand and foot when I turn 50 then I’m not getting out of bed on my birthday.

Your birthday “spread” does sound fab though.

More savoury? Maybe roast beef and horseradish sandwiches and salmon and cream cheese? I also wouldn’t bother with Swiss roll but scones sound heavenly. Don’t assemble before, I did this and the cream sort of flopped on the scones as it was a warm day, best to keep it in the fridge until the last moment. I’m 50 next year and may steal your idea 😂

pinwheel and/or finger sandwiches...egg and cress, ham and mustard, and cucumber of course, maybe smoked salmon instead of the egg and cress
mini quiches are fine, but you might be better to make a really big one in a tray and cut it up....better filling to pastry ratio and a good deal less buggering about
sausage rolls...little ones like the end of your thumb, and warm from the oven

scones, just make them small, and provide both creams, sliced berries and jam

cakes....you still should keep things small, so your big cake is not going to fit, unless you can tray bake it and slice into small squares/triangles
maybe you could make mini victoria sponges...although that's a bit samey with the scones
a fancy brownie in a nod to the american location?
carrot cake?
teeny fairy cakes?
profiteroles....my fave!

I agree that there could be more variety in the sandwiches, but I feckin' hate the buggers. They seem so simple but take forever to make them. I'll be making all this stuff myself, so once I get home from work on the Fri eve, I'll need to make the bread for sandwiches etc. I'll want to keep the Sunday fairly low-risk, so that I can tell DH to tidy the house while I drink champagne keep things low-stress.

The chocolate cake will be the birthday cake.
3 layers of sponge (about 1" high each) with chocolate buttercream between each layer & coating entire outside. 3 types of chocolates mirror glaze covering the top and dripped down the sides. Decorate with chocolate truffles/shapes etc (I'll buy those).

I’d leave out the platters; do the cucumber in white bread (with real butter); do smoked salmon sandwhiches on brown bread instead of tuna. Add egg mayo sandwhiches. Afternoon tea cakes tend to be individual rather than sliced off a big cake.

oh , cross posted about the sausage meat...I think you do want some puff pastry item in the selection though. What do they use for pigs in blankets, is that not a US thing? Or a nice cheese and onion type filling?

vol au vents? prawns with marie rose and dill?

Egg & cress in little white ‘ bridge rolls ‘
Lemon drizzle cake

Meet I once was served a pre assembled scone with cream and jam. It made me a bit sad.

Oooh how about cheese straws?

Shame about the sausage meat OP.

I'd want to include fruit cake which I believe is often viewed as a peculiar British abomination in the US.

(But I love it!)

God I'm hungry now

Oh .. and Cadbury chocolate finger biscuits

Make the bread?!?

You’re very brave!

I’d add some cheese straws, and I’d drop the tuna mayo and have ham or beef and horseradish instead. But that’s just personal taste.

OK - so ditch the apricot roll (but how can I show off getting the perfect swirl? Because I can out-Berry Mary Berry on that one)

Add another savory sandwich.

I may actually pad out the veg/cheese and add some cooked meats and more crudités to make it a little 'lighter'.

The problem with letting people assemble their own scone/cream combo is that people will be standing around with a plate, picking things up one-handed. It could get messy. I'm hoping to make it so that they can just pick things up and put on a plate using just one hand.

Sounds amazing but I might do a traditional Victoria sponge rather than Swiss roll.
Can you get decent tea there? 😟 worried for you

NO to Cadbury chocolate fingers - I have to drive to a special store and pay a fortune.

Weather at the time of year could be anything from snow/sleet outside to 30 degrees. It's in May and it's proper Spring - up & down and very unpredictable. We've had tornados here, and we're just getting over the latest polar vortex. So, food has to be inside, and the temp is likely to be just about warm enough to melt chocolate in your hands. I do have air-con in the house if it is suddenly warm. Or there could be a full-on storm, hence why I'm not doing any meringue.

I'm really tempted by making fondant fancies, but they look really time consuming, so not sure they're a good choice when I'm making it all myself.

I've tried cheese straws and fruit cake in the past at social things, and people politely try a little mouthful then leave the rest.

I was just going to say op that ime making tea for a large number of people is a LOT of work so I'm glad you are aware of the graft involved! I did it got a family occasion (22 people) and it nearly killed me tbh!

Mary Berry has good tips for serving tea en masse in one of her books (on-line too maybe?) ie making sandwiches day before and wrapping on a tray in damp tea-towel (sort of thing!) and the bread and sandwich varieties that suit this treatment the best. I must say I was sceptical and thought they would be soggy but they turned out fine. I can try and look up the details if you like.

Also keeping a supply of GOOD cups of tea on the day is a full time job so I suggest you put one or two competent helpers on this task if you want to be able to talk to your guests! Good luck! Hope it goes well!

I have found clotted cream in a supermarket in the US recently, actual UK stuff not a bizarre imitation that I found previously.
Maybe a mini Yorkshire with a bit of beef and horseradish blob. Light and hand held.

we did mini yorkshires with beef for a family function....they went down a treat, guests were setting their watches to be sure to get the next lot to come out of the oven!!