OK you vipers - critique my birthday afternoon tea menu

[KickAssAngel]

So - I'm turning 50 this year and yesterday I just had a brand new oven fitted! Obviously, although it's months until my birthday, I need to start planning the menu and practising the recipes.

I'm thinking I'll have an informal open house with afternoon tea type snacks. DH will do drinks (he knows nothing about this yet, but he will). I'm a Brit living in the US and people will be VERY excited about getting a 'real' English afternoon tea.

So here's my first plans for snacks provided:
Veg platter (carrots, peppers, etc & dip), cheese & biscuit platter, & fruit platter. I'll buy these.

Cucumber sandwiches in brown bread.
Tuna mayo sandwiches in white bread
Mini quiches - asparagus & salmon; red pepper & chorizo
Scones with whipped cream & a slice of strawberry
Scones with clotted cream & strawberry jam (I need both kinds of scones as some people are so horrified at how fattening the clotted cream is. Plus, I have to make the clotted cream and it's v.v. expensive for a small amount)
Swiss roll with apricot jam & vanilla buttercream filling
BIG gooey chocolate cake with all sorts of fancy decorations and glitz.

It's only meant to be light snacks, rather than a meal, for about 20 people.

How would you improve this? Or is it perfect?

DH will be making tea.

I'm not saying we illegally import industrial quantities of Yorkshire Gold an Twinings Assam (to name a few) via Canada, but I do have a special cupboard with enough tea for the next couple of years..

Drinks:
Tea, coffee, Pimms & Lemonade, sparkling wine, and some kind of iced water/fizzy water.

I like the idea of vol-au-vents, but making puff pastry is a pita.

I am horrified that there appears to be no mention of egg and cress sandwiches! Please reassure me I am mistaken............😳😂

You can get pimms in US??? Well bugger me with a fish fork

Yes - I know where to get Pimms. The British style lemonade is the bugger - Sprite is the best I can find.

If you pre assemble the scones don’t stick the two halves together, just leave them ‘open’ in halves if that makes sense. That way I think they’ll look more appealing. Stick half a strawberry on top of each ones dollop of cream.

It all sounds delicious!

OP what a wonderful idea. Agree with other re the sandwiches, I think more selection is needed.

For some more ideas have a look at Marks and Spencer afternoon tea offerings. I know you can't order that in the US but there are some great ideas there.

Right, so:

egg & mayo sandwiches (may have to grow the cress)
tuna sandwiches
cucumber sandwiches (cos the Americans are FASCINATED by them)

2 x mini quiches (or large quiches cut up)

scones, served 'club style' with cream & strawberries (2 varieties)

Platter of veg/cheese/fruit with accoutrements

Big-ass chocolate cake

With thanks to Mama for quantities & everyone for suggestions.

btw - my new oven has a dough-proof setting, so I'm currently working on the 8 stranded bread plait from GBBS. It has made me so happy to have a dough-proof setting on the oven!! I just ordered one with a good deal, and only noticed after it was delivered. There will be a lot of homemade bread in the next few weeks.

Do you think your guests will be expecting iced tea?

I do agree with other pps - you need more savoury. But I am guessing perhaps not as many veggies/vegans as in the UK.

I can't bring myself to look at things like the M&S website - I get too homesick. The moment I land at Gatwick, I'm straight in there buying pork pies, hot cross buns and a cup of tea. Sometimes my sister even has them ready in her hands as she meets me. Obviously, I miss my family more than the food, honestly.

Victoria sponge instead of swiss roll, defo. Different varieties of loose leaf tea in teapots.

@KickAssAngel if you PM me your address I promise I will send you a parcel of M&S fondant fancies as a birthday present. No afternoon tea would be complete without them.

Can I come?
Would mini Cornish pasties work? Bet you they'd freeze.

Something like this might balance it out a bit, easy to make in advance and is very 'English'
www.bbc.com/food/recipes/earl_grey_tea_bread_48452

Soda water is better in Pimms if all you can find is sprite. Less sticky feeling, more adult refreshment.

Pie society in Savannah will ship British style pork pies and what have you. A really large pie you can slice would be lovely. (Obviously not cheap, but very tasty). There’s another pie place in New York that also ships across the states but I can’t remember what it’s called now. They use chiller boxes to deliver from refrigerated trucks so it’s all quite safe from a good hygiene perspective

Personally I love slices of cake rather than piddly little things at an afternoon tea, so I’m all for your chocolate cake and your Swiss roll. Although I agree with pp a fruit cake would be very apt! Definitely do slices of quiche rather than mini ones. And I would add agree with adding egg mayo sandwiches. It all sounds fab!

Cucumber sandwiches absolutely have to be on white bread!

I just can't get past no smoked salmon sandwiches ... but the rest sounds amazing. I post me kiplings every now and again to my sister in the States

Ditch the Swiss roll - too much hard work. A loaf cake is a good idea - I’ve made a really nice Banana and Chocolate one a few times that goes down well - type into google or bbc good food.

I’d have small cakes like Queen cakes - like fairy cakes but with currants or butterfly cakes. No fancy cupcakes - no need.

Also if you do tea can you get speciality English tea - preferably loose leaf and do you have a tea service? If you’re in USA I’ve noticed my USA friends like the proper English tea and all the crockery etc.

Oh dear, I see a bun fight in the making.

Back in the day, there was no such thing as white bread as we know it, so a truly traditional cucumber sandwich will be on a light brown bread. Anything more modern than 1900 (as far as the cucumber sandwiches are concerned) will not be making an appearance on my tea tray.

I really hate smoked salmon. That is also banned.

Those of you kindly suggesting ways to buy some of these afternoon delights are missing the point - I'm probably more excited about doing the baking than having people turn up at the house. I think we can say that I've established the principle of Food Before People on my list of life's priorities.

Sounds lovely OP! Just a suggestion re the sandwiches. I find that if I’m making up a large number for a ‘platter’ I can make them in advance, leave them in whole rounds and wrap a stack of 3-4 rounds well in cling film. Then just before serving its a minute with the bread knife to cut off the crusts and into triangles. Stops them going curled and dry. Not sure if this would work so well with a ‘wet’ filling like cucumber?

Just a thought, what about some lemon in your menu? lemon drizzle or lemon curd tarts?

Dundee cake?

Just when I thought that we'd agreed too much sweet stuff, someone mentions lemon!!

Yes, I did think about that, but decided that clotted cream & scones are a necessity.

Could do lemon curd & vanilla buttercream Swiss roll?

devilled eggs! Nigella had a recipe in her last book - they look amazing
www.nigella.com/recipes/devilled-eggs