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Original poster

am i being lazy????....MIL making me feel inadequate

39 replies

Titania · 02/09/2004 13:18

I am on a diet......well more trying to eat better.....DH is in on it with me for support which is good.

The thing is we have 3 kids under 5 and I am trying to work through an A level at home as well. I am far too busy atm to cook loads of stuff from scratch, DH works irregular hours, gets home late and we end up having to eat very late. So we end up eating lots of pizza, pasta and chips etc for quickness and ease, especially when I have already had to cook for the children earlier.

So anyway, DH went to Tescos and bought a load of the healthy ready meals. (his idea not mine!) He said to do them and a pile of steamed veg, salad etc.....he loves them. We do this 3-4 times a week now and then the rest of the week I cook. Its a lot less strain on me. I feel as though I am eating better as well as I am not overpiling my plate cos of the set portions and not eating junk. DH says he feels better too.

The trouble is, MIL came round and looked in my freezer and saw the meals.....she now says I am being lazy, not cooking 'proper' food for her son, and that SHE managed to cook full meals for her, her DH and 3 kids fine as well as hold down a full time job. Its making me feel so inadequate, especially as now she is constantly asking us round for dinner now (DH hates her cooking now!!! LOL) and sending my DH cakes and chocolates etc, as well as occasionally actually plating meals up.

Is it THAT wrong what I am doing?

She drives me up the wall as well....turns up unexpected then says the place is a mess and starts messing with my washing (my pet hate.....NOBODY touches my washing!!! its just one of my 'things' i suppose)

OP posts:

coppertop · 02/09/2004 13:23

It sounds to me as though she is perhaps feeling a little jealous of the fact that you get to do stuff for dh and not her anymore. I would guess that's why she's trying to interfere with the washing, sending your dh cakes and constantly inviting him round for dinner.

FWIW if you and dh are happy and all feeling less strain then sod what MIL thinks. It's YOUR home and YOUR family.

Avalon · 02/09/2004 13:24

I think there's nothing wrong with what you're doing and your dh sounds super supportive!

I know what you mean about the washing. Why do they think they can mess with it? My mil only did it once... and I like my mil.

coppertop · 02/09/2004 13:24

I mean that YOU get to do stuff for her son and she doesn't. Must preview...

whitefeather · 02/09/2004 13:25

omg that would drive me crazy dp mum phones up every night to ask what ive made for tea for him, also insists on buying me every cookery book going and every ime i see her asks if i have used them! she wouldnt dare touch my washing! id go mad! mil's eh?

joanneg · 02/09/2004 13:28

Like coppertop says it is your home. The fact that you and dh have decided to eat healthier and she is sending over cakes and chocolate is very wrong. I would tell dh to explain that you are all on a healthy eating plan. and if she continues to send stuff over either give it away or bin it.
I think that you are going to have to be quite firm in telling her that you are all quite happy with the way that your household runs. You could either dress it up that you are thankful for her kind input, but need to do things your own way. I do symaphise as you are in an hard situation with trying to keep the peace and keep good relations. Perhaps vent your frustrations by making her a cake and making it particually awful (god an I evil!!??)

JuniperDewdrop · 02/09/2004 13:29

Titania, do u wear a halo by any chance?? sorry but how you've kept your cool is beyond me? Think there needs to be a little meeting of minds here. Good job your dh is so supportive. Some sons of nosey MILs wallow in it

My MIL once told me our house was foisty ffs. It was only because of a leak we'd had that 4 plumbers couldn't fix and I ended up finding. Sorry, rambling now.....

JuniperDewdrop · 02/09/2004 13:30

Blimey whitefeather and Titania you're both sooo calm!! I need to take a chill pill me thinks

aloha · 02/09/2004 13:32

I wouldn't tolerate this. It is overstepping the mark. Your dh ought, IMO, to ask her to back off. It's not your job to feed your husband anyway. He's an independent adult. She comes from another (backward?) era. My husband never expects to be fed, and neither does yours by the sound of it. Good. Your MIL needs to move into the 21st century and stop being a miserable, interfering, critical old moo. How dare she cricize you - and turning up unexpectedly and poking around.,....nooo....she must be told to stop being a stickybeak and shut her trap! (though you may want to use slightly more diplomatic language )

Original poster

Titania · 02/09/2004 13:33

i remember when i came home from having dd,....MIL had done the washing (inlcuding the clesn things that were still in the wardrobes!!!) and ironed it and folded it the way I hate it!! a day after giving birth, I ripped it all out the cupboards and did it all myself again!!! she had washed the cloths we use for cleaning out our animals (we had a pet rat at the time) in with the ones we use for the washing and drying the dishes....yuck....i threw the lot out, strolled down to the shops and bought new ones.....oh and she wrecked my non stick saucepans cooking a TERRIBLE cottage pie for DH cos she said I wouldnt WANT to cook that night.....grrrr

OP posts:

whitefeather · 02/09/2004 13:33

my problem 2, now you have me started im my future mil doesnt cook although expects me to. doesnt iron ...at all but wouldnt be impressed if dear partner went over in a creased shirt! love her little ways to pieces thou, she loves bargin hunting in chartiy shops , i alway end up with a house full of junk which convienently disappears! suppose hearts in the right place

JuniperDewdrop · 02/09/2004 13:35

You go Titania!!!

SoftFroggie · 02/09/2004 13:36

Titania,

Mothers-in-law, in general (with many noble exceptions) have two purposes:

to make you feel inadequate, and
to interfere in things you don't want them to touch. It sounds as if your MIL is succeding in fulfilling these goals.

There are clearly so many supportive things I could say in reply, but fundamentally, swopping pizza / pasta / chips for healthy meals sounds like the best thing for you family and DH.

I'm sure you really know what to do:
ignore her jibes;
kindly refuse the dinner invites;
refuse or bin the plated meals;
if the cakes / chocolate is an issue, get DH to tell her he's on a 'health kick' (sounds better to men's mums than a 'diet'), and if she wants to send him goodies, he'd love some exotic fruit.

Best wishes,and good for you on going healthy!

JuniperDewdrop · 02/09/2004 13:36

I think I need to go on an anger managment course as I'm seething here for you??

helsi · 02/09/2004 13:42

No it isn't wrong what you are doing. Times have changed and I'm sure that if healthy ready meals were available in "her day" she would have used them occasionally too. You say you cook the other times in the week - that is fine to me. You seem to be eating as healthily as possible as you do plenty of veg etc.
May be DH could ask his mother to leave the washing alone and keep out of the freezer. It is not her place to interfere like that. Dh is a grown up now and I'm sure you don't do that in her house.

edam · 02/09/2004 13:51

If your MIL really did do all that (and isn't using rose-coloured specs) then she certainly didn't have much time to spend with her dh and her ds. So no wonder she's so jealous now.

Tell her to mind her own business and keep out of your laundry basket, FFS! Maybe go and sort through her things next time you are round her house and she might realise quite how intrusive this is.

Tommy · 02/09/2004 14:30

Oooh titania - feel for you. My MIL wouldn't dream of saying stuff like this but sometimes I get the impression that she thinks it IYKWIM! She did washing when I'd just had DS2 and ironed my pants.....'nuff said. TBH I think they are trying to help (Don't know what she'd think if she saw me now - no children around and me on MN and not doing housework ) Anyway, I think the thing is to get your DH to say something rather than you - that's what I'd do anyway. Good luck

JuniperDewdrop · 02/09/2004 14:31

oooo yes good one edam. Go and nosey through her stuff

Bellie · 02/09/2004 14:35

Titania I symapthise completely. my MIL drives me mad and the only time that me and DH really row is when she has been round!
She is always on at me for not cooking fresh veg every day - even though I do do frozen at the bare minimum. She would be horrified if DH said that he cooked dinner in the week (I was working full time at this point and so was DH).
The classic this weekend was on eating (a very obviously home made) cake - which packet mix did you use for this ?
Thank God she lives over an hour away!!! - I would hate to think what it would be like if she lived any closer!! and when we have db it can only get worse me thinks!!!

JuniperDewdrop · 02/09/2004 14:47

Oh no Bellie, you're adding to my seething............ The cake!!! OMG

Bellie · 02/09/2004 14:57

I know - luckily I used the excuse of being 32 weeks pg to 'go and have a lie down' otherwise she may have been pulling the cake out of somewhere unsavoury

Blu · 02/09/2004 15:24

Her behaviour is outrageous. It sounds as if you and DH have a great sense of team work and support between you, so why not discuss this and have a joint strategy? He could tell her to stop undermining you by criticism and the plated meals, tell her he's perfectly happy, and that if he needs her help/input/advice, he really will ask her - and then appreciate it. Meanwhile, 'back off'! Then if she starts again, you can be snappy / blunt about it, knowing that you are simply echoing her darling son's position.

Original poster

Titania · 02/09/2004 15:26

DH does tell her but she doesnt listen!!!! There is just one thing that he will NEVER confront her about....but im not going to go into that.....might cause arguments on here!! It annoys me so very very much.

OP posts:

acnebride · 02/09/2004 15:27

on your behalf Titania

i would try a sympathy offensive -

if she goes on again about how she did x y and z while bringing up kids, scrubbing floor every day, blackleading the grate, running the country and making sure her whites were really close-up clean, then say 'tut - terrible - life was so awful in your day, it sounds absolutely prehistoric way back then' and then go and tickle your kids or something non-houseworky.

and lock up your washing. how dare she.

sandyballs · 02/09/2004 15:28

Bloody nerve of the woman! Who do they think they are these MILs!! My dear friend's MIL asked her how often she slept with her darling son as she thought he seemed a little agitated and maybe needed some more sex! Outrageous!!

Angeliz · 02/09/2004 15:31

I remember my MIL telling me about her 6 kids staying up watching films when she stayed with us (as dd has a set bedtime).
DP can't remember EVER doing that!!
I think the memeories get sweeter with age:O

FWIW, i don't think you're wrong in what you're doing, i only have one dd at the moment (another on the way), and i don't cook every night!!!

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