Is 20 months too young for the 'if you don't eat that there's nothing else' path?

[oliveoil]

After having a angel child who ate everything put in front of her, I now have a stranger that says 'no' to everything apart from:

Cheese, grapes, Dairylea, paste spreads, brown bread, milk, Shreddies, peas, raisons.

She occasionally eats what I am eating but not much.

Dh reckons we should just give her 20 mins or whatever to strop over it and then take the plate away and not give a replacement, I think she is too young to understand and would rather take the casserole or whatever away and give her some sandwiches etc.

Is this teaching her she can get her own way or is she too young to understand the 'eat this or starve' way?

WHERE HAS MY ANGEL GONE??????

Hmm OO thats a tough one. My ds (26 months) is the same , and I do give him alternatives which in hindsight has made things worse. But he does eat what is given to him at nursery, because he knows there is no alternative.

I would say be strict now and save yoursekf hassle in the long term!

Hi Oliveoil, my angel disappeared at about that age too .

I agree with your dh though, and if ds1 doesn't eat whats served then there is no alternative except sometimes a piece of fruit. He will claim to hate food that he previously loved, so I know that its not because he can't eat it, and when he's hungry he'll eat.

If she is getting enough food over the course of a week don't worry about individual meals. Ds1 is happy eating his sandwiches at lunch time so I know that with them and breakfast he's at least eaten something. The weather is probably effecting her appettite as well.

my dd is a good eater, I assume if she turns away dinner she doesn't want dinner... I always offer her a pudding, yogurt, apple crumble...
I do not offer another main course though, I tend to offer a small selection of things for her to take her pick from, plus in this heat her appetite has gone underground too.
She has never come back for more later if I've left it... dd is 19 mths, but then again eats anything most days, so for ehr turning away food means she isn't hungry at that point..

can you give her what she likes but maybe add one thing that is new each time, so for e.g. give her a cheese sandwich but put some sweetcorn on the side? If she doesn't eat it fine but you'll find that one day she will.

We had this with DS (now 2.8) and I just tried not to make a big deal out of it (although it is hard). Try to find a halfway house between food she's comfortable and different food, eat once a day with her (if poss) and take it away if she doesn't eat it. Lots of people advocate the "if she's not eaten first course don't give second course" but personally I just think this makes an issue of it so I would give DS his food, encourage him to eat it (try to eat the same as him - which I know is hard when you don't want to eat diarylea and rasins) and then just give her a yog or whatever.
All children are different but it worked for me and now DS will eat lots of things that he would never have eaten before.
There is a really good chapter on this in toddler taming by christopher green.

2 - 0 to dh, that is not what I wanted ladies .

She has a bottle, a bit of cereal and half a piece of toast for breakfast.

Picks at sandwiches or I attempt to give her the same as me for lunch.

Ditto for tea.

Bottle before she goes to bed.

We have cut out all snacks apart from raisons or rice cakes as she always seemed to have room for choc buttons but not proper food .

Hadn't thought about the heat, good one that.

Also she has had a bit of a cold (aka been a PITA) for a week or so.

But she used to eat EVERYTHING, it's so depressing seeing my food go in the bin/floor.

oo - I know it's hard but she WILL change, it's so common at this age. Stick with it,continue to offer different things - but alongside stuff she likes, and just accept it for now.

I think it's kind of a halfway house between you and DH - it's not a "if you don't eat this that's it" (with accompanying glare) type of approach but equally you don't spend all day offering alternatives.

Piffleoffagus that would never work with us, as ds would go straight for the pudding! thats why it has to be fruit for him. If he has eaten some / most of his dinner he may get offered pudding - if we have any.

Up to just before his 2nd birthday he would eat really well, and would eat everything you gave him, so I'm hoping that its a stage he's going through, and that after a few years he'll be back to eating everything.

I think I'll vote with you OO - but only because I don't think mealtimes should ever turn into a battle ground.

They do go through picky stages but provided they are not living on rubbish food I think it is worht accomodating their likes and dislikes. I for one would be extremely pissd off if someone gave me something for tea that I really did not fancy and told me I had to eat it or else...

Oh and aother idea - when they were going through picky stages, I used to offer 'choosing plates'. A couple of plates of attractively presented food that they could choose from and put on their own plates. (e.g. crusty bread and butter, bread sticks, slices peppers, cherry toms, chicken drumsticks, cheese cubes, chopped apples, satsuma pieces etc).

The one rule was that if they picked something and put it on their plates then they had to eat it.

They still love choosing plates many years later!

I guess I just don't like to turn mealtimes into a battleground. My mother did and it has affected me for life and given me issues about food and alcohol.
But I think whichever way you deal with it, so long as you don't turn it into a control (ie for either child or parent) then you will be fine!

I should know to stay off threads like this one LOL

My DS1 is exactly the same, he does get offerred alternatives and puddings. He is a snacker and loves loads of healthy things so not too bad. Now he is nearly 3 he is a lot better and does tend to eat more but he is still capable of not eating meals. He is very easily distracted and will find any execuse not too eat.

Luckily Ds2 eats like a trooper

I totally agree with soapbox and Piffleoffagus that mealtimes shouldn't be a battleground, and as long as I know that ds likes the food and is choosing not to eat it then I just let him make that choice. If its something that I'm trying for the first time then I may offer him something else. I'd never make him eat something he didn't want to, but equally wouldn't have multiple choices for him. We all eat together in the evening and all eat the same thing. By offering him a banana I can see if he is actually hungry or not - for example last night we had lasagne which he usually eats, but he didn't want any, and didn't want a banana either. He sat at the table for a while, had a drink and then got down to play while we finished our food.

Thanks for this everyone, I think I will sort of go with dh (grrrrrr) and give her a trial go then offer her a banana, grapes or yog for desert as normal if she refuses. As she has a bottle just before going to bed she won't be going to bed hungry.

I have read all the books about not getting stressed but its all very well reading about it when you are all smug and have a good eater isn't it, different matter when you have a defiant minipop stropping about .

I did this with DS2 the other day (he's only 9.5m!) It was a very long day and I was very tired and when he refused something I said to him (like he really understood) "Right, that's it then, nothing else for you...." Didn't do him any harm! But, oliveoli, I think 20 months is probably about right to start this - I wish I'd done it with DS1 - he eats a similar range to your DD

I don't think its too young....I think at that age (can't quite remember) I would give ds1 the benefit of the doubt if it was something I wasn't sure he liked, or something new - but would just offer bread or toast as an alternative (i.e. something I know he'll eat if hungry but not v exciting). Do you know, I can't remember him ever wanting the alternative and now I am much better at trusting his appetite - so if he doesn't want tea he doesn't have it! It never resulted in him waking due to hunger by that age.
I think as long as you remove the plate calmly (i.e. not crossly or as though its a punishment), without spending time pleading with them to eat, you are not 'creating a battleground' - just setting some clear limits.

This is an interesting one for me too OO. My dd is also 20 months and has been incredibly picky lately. Unlike yours though, she's always been a fussy eater, just got much worse. All the things she would eat she went off and wouldn't try anything new. I guess maybe because I've got used to dealing with this for longer than you have I've also got used to not giving her alternatives. I tend to make lunch a bit easier going as she's never as hungry for that as she is for dinner. So then I give her lots of bits and bobs, some broccoli, baby corn, bit of grated cheese, bit of something like a veggie burger or a waffle, then some fruit. She eats more or less of bits of it each day. She has pasta for dinner. EVERY night. She won't eat anything else and as I can put whatever I want in the sauce and it's quick and easy and nutritious I've stuck with it even though it's boring to have the same thing all the time. As others have said I have all sorts of other things I'm offering on the side in the hope she'll take them up at some point. What I'll do if she goes off pasta is anyone's guess ...

It is a pain in the isn't it, slave to make her nice things and she looks at it with distain. Grrrrrrrrrr. Dd won't have pasta now, she squishes it between her fingers with a 'and what on earrrth is this, pray?' expression on her face!

OO, STF etc my little devil is the same - she used to be a right Miss Piggy, devouring everything in her path. Now she has got very picky too, I suspect due to the proliferation of ice lollies during this hot weather - she would live on them I think (and I have thought of making veggie puree ones!)

She will often eat pasta and fishcakes are always a hit, but a lot of stuff she used to love she now turns her nose up at. Breakfast is half a weetabix or a few shreddies if we're lucky (though she has developed a liking for dry Alpen sugar free muesli!) She doesn't much like toast at the moment. Lunch is more successful, dinner often hopeless and as a result she wakes hungry in the night and wants a bottle (but thank god says "back to bed" as soon as she's had it)

I do think the heat has a lot to answer for. She is losing her little fat tum rapidly

sorry didn't mean to post that yet!

Anyway, I tend not to worry as she is a good weight. If she won't eat it I just give it to the dog. I don't say that she can't have anything else but wouldn't for eg give her biscuits or ice cream, but fruit/cheese/yoghurt or something like that. If she doesn't want anything I don't hassle her as I figure food shouldn't be a battleground - but if she got underweight obv I would have to re think that one. I have stopped most snacks between meals to try and encourage her to eat at mealtimes a bit more.

Giving an alternative is probably not a great idea.

Even when I was weaning ds I would wait 20 mins before I tried something else. Not that it helped with him though, he is a really fussy eater, and only ate weetabix and beef flavour hula hoops from the age of 8 months!!!

At 20 months I think they are realising they can make their own decisions and start to get independant. They say a child cannot starve themselves, but it doesn't stop us worrying. I'm sure ds did it to me on purpose just to wind me up. I agree with your Dh, give her 20-30mins then just clear the plate with no fuss and throw it away.

Don't show her it is a problem for you, as it could just get worse. Make sure she has say one meal a day she likes, for dinner maybe, and try her on the other stuff for lunch.

The hot weather may not help at the moment, so hopefully it is just a phase.

My dd is huge (in size 3 clothes) and has cellulite so is not going to waste away either, its just wondering how to play things, do you go strict and cause a fuss, or give in and make a rod for your own back later on.

Re fishcakes, these were spat out in equal disgust to pasta, aren't they strange creature?!

OO are they waitrose cod and parsley ones? I have tried inferior ones and she hates them but those just slip down (and they are good for hiding peas in )

No, even worse I spent time making them! She eats peas ok for now.......