What ho! I've invited a boat-load of Johnny Foreigners to afternoon tea.

[allhailtheaubergine]

I want to do a bloody brilliant English Afternoon Tea.

I have the time, the inclination and the cash to make it really good, and I'm not a bad cook so will be making the lot.

I thought this was just the sort of thing Mumsnet would be perfect for advising on (and bickering over whether the milk goes in first).

So...

Victoria sponge?
Scones?
Cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off?
China cups and saucers?

Very english.

If you are going for slubber's tension increasing method, post earl grey supping (you are having earl grey aren't you? No one's mentioned the tea yet.) You should add a little Pimms into the equation.

It's what expats expect. I've been mixing my drinks for years.

Walnut cake. YY to Pimms. Earl Grey, yum. Thin slices of bread and butter. Toast and Gentleman's relish.

Courses you say?

I was going to have it all on the table at once for people to help themselves.

I'm sure when I went to Buckingham Palace they served eclairs... (don't mean to ponce, but trying to be helpful as they are surely the authority?) Also we had these amazing little teeny tiny lemon tarts with two passion fruits pips decorating each one. And little melty impossible to eat chocolate things. Maybe you could do jam tarts? Smoked salmon sandwiches?

I'd be tempted to do two versions - a proper afternoon tea, with cucumber sandwiches and scones (NO fruit), and then a second one, with cheese sandwiches and marmite sandwiches and jam sandwiches and all the fun things British people eat but have to pretend not to when it comes to afternoon tea.

Remember your hot water pot to top up the teapot

Did you know Denmark has banned Marmite.

Aubergine, if you want to do it properly then it is courses not a smorgasbord.

My sister and I had to endure proper afternoon teas with my terribly-terribly grandmother every thursday afternoon for the entirety of my primary school life and it was ALWAYS done in courses. You could never crack on with the eclairs first.

Sandwiches: cucumber, marmite or plain bread (brown, thin sliced) and butter
Scones: plain, clotted cream, rasp jam (NO BUTTER)
Cake: two types, always a VSC and one other
Eclairs

In that order. No deviation allowed.

Slubber, how is that something to endure? Wheel me to it, I'll sit with anyone's granny - piss, polos and all - for a slap-up tea.

Well, I might choose to eat it in a courses style, but I would serve it all at once, beautifully arranged on a proper afternoon-tea-stand thing. And let people help themselves.

But you can let your guests see the stages and what's coming next, but just not let them have it .

My grandmother used to wheel it all in to the sitting room on her trolley so you were very aware of the chocolate eclairs but could see what you had to eat through first to get at them. Looking back it was incredibly generous and kind of her to go to all the baking effort each week. When you are 7 and having to eat your second sandwich before progressing to scones it always seemed unbelievably cruel.

I do see that, yes. Now I am old I love toast and sandwiches too, almost as much as eclairs.

Have you cake stands, Aubergine? And doilies?

Get someone to ship you out those disposable cake stands. They're really pretty good.

My MIL still does the trolley thing. We My dc all wait patiently until we have been dished a sarnie or two, whilst eyeing up the chocolate goodies.

She also seems to be able to produce a mouthwatering range of puddings on the aforementioned trolley on a Sunday. She even makes fruit look exciting.

Shouldn't we talk tea cosies? And proper cotton napkins?

Or make some. Old plate/inverted wine glass (small fat type) glued underneath.

You must have doilies