What ho! I've invited a boat-load of Johnny Foreigners to afternoon tea.

[allhailtheaubergine]

I want to do a bloody brilliant English Afternoon Tea.

I have the time, the inclination and the cash to make it really good, and I'm not a bad cook so will be making the lot.

I thought this was just the sort of thing Mumsnet would be perfect for advising on (and bickering over whether the milk goes in first).

So...

Victoria sponge?
Scones?
Cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off?
China cups and saucers?

mm I know MI, but if aubergine managed to get that peculiar plastic chocolate to stick on the top, and some spray whippy cream to squirt in the middle then that would stop them from being too French.

Same as mille feuille vs the vanilla slice.

Something weird and bowel binding goes into the filling in the British version.

omg flash back to vanilla slice thread with you telling me to eat them roughly in the nude up against a tree.

You need to think of overall aesthetics and taste. Think of your colours and get some fruit or veg in there for carb contrast.

Good grief, did I?

Yes you did! I think you said something along the lines of 'with flakes of pastry adorning your pubic hair'.

but less of that.

Yes pointy is right, you need to get the ratios right, like a triangle, with the plain carby, savoury or not v sweet stuff in moderate abundance to start, moving up through scones, and then with the super sweet creamy stuff that makes you feels a little bit ill rationed to only a few perfectly formed and presented pieces at the end.

Hmm. I think I'll steer clear of pubic hair.

Pointy, you sound like you know what you're talking about. Care to expand on that? What fruit? What carbs? What overall colour / aesthetic would you do?

drop scones!
Vicky sponge - with fresh fruit and cream in as well as jam
shortbread
fuck me I sounds scottish don't I

Egg and cress sarnies
marmite and cucumber sarnies
mini clafoutis?
flapjacks
coffee and walnut cake?

'with flakes of pastry adorning your pubic hair'

I was craving a vanilla slice til I read that . I dont think I've ever had flakes of pastry in my pubes. I must have been eating them wrong.

I love egg mayo sandwiches!

Ah, yes, sorry about that Laurentian outburst

Fruit = berries ime

(but I know you asked slubber. Sorry for butting in!)

I do mini meringues because they present the ideal opportunity to add fresh fruit in gorgeous colours.

I've done little chocolate bite things stuffed with cherries and dried fruit. Very dark. SO I might lighten up the display by interspersing them with mini blondie bites with nuts in. Texture contrast. Hang on

Doorbell.

Sandwiches mentioned are good (egg and cress - there's your greenery - and cucumber - added crunch)

small strawberry tarts would be lovely.

yes yes, fruit = berries. SOft and colourful and delicate. No fucking apples and bananas obv.

I want afternoon tea!

I have horrible cursed morning sickness and the only things I can eat are egg sandwiches and cakes! I'll be a great guest!

I'm feeling homesick reading this thread!

egg and cress sandwiches (medium brown bread)
cucumber sandwiches (thin white bread)
then i'd do something a bit more substantial like finger rolls with ham or chicken

scones with jam and cream
lemon drizzle cake

mini meringues with strawberries/raspberries
mini pastry tarts with kiwi fruit
tablet

omg - you have forgotten original tiffin

lol at fucking apples.

I do think the quintessential afternoon tea also has an undercurrent of restraint about it. I mean cucumber sandwiches are alright but who really would choose a damp sarnie when you can shove a giant slice of cake in your gob.

So you have to start with naice portion sizes of the dull stuff and then work your way up.

Increasing the tension at each course.

oh yes, slub, tension build-up.

Start lean and light and pretty and build up to mighty sweet glistening density and heft.

you need this

God yes.

Pull out all the glistening stops at the final fence

BUT

No sparklers.

mixing my organ playing and steeple chasing metaphors up there with the excitement of it all.