Cooking for my family is stressing me out. Help (long).

[twosoups]

I'm mother to two children aged 5.5 years and 21 months. I work 3 days a week and my husband works full time, though he has Friday off most weeks (works on calls at weekends).

Planning, shopping and cooking for the children has always fallen to me. I find this hard because, like many mums, I work three days and I'm at home with a toddler on the other two days. My toddler doesn't tolerate supermarket shopping without having a tantrum and she clings to me and cries when I try to cook. On top of this, my five year old is a fussy eater and this is leading to huge amounts of stress which I'd like to resolve.

The biggest problem seems to be that she refues to try new foods. On top of this, she restricts what carbohydrates I can give her because she won't eat what goes with them.

For example, she will eat rice, but won't eat a single thing you would put with rice (curry, chilli etc). We have the same problem with cous cous. She won't eat baked or boiled potatoes, anything with onions or mushrooms or peppers or "green bits" (herbs). She will eat lasagne but not spaghetti bolognaise (leaves the meat). She won't eat any fish but cod/haddock and sifts through that for bones.

I am SO SICK of mashing potatoes. I'm sick of washing up the starch it creates, scrubbing the implements and the residue ruining the other things in the dishwasher.

Her fortnightly intake consists of foods that my husband and I don't want to eat. As a consequence, I am faced with cooking separate meals or not cooking for us at all. Cooking has become a huge soul destroying chore and most of the time, I don't plan anything for us to eat - just the kids. By the time I get them into bed, I'm so knackered, I'm happy with beans on toast or something. She has packed lunches for school because she doesn't want hot dinners. Hot dinners on the days I work would reduce my stress levels because coming homs and having to cook is a nightmare.

This is what she typically eats. You will notice it's not low fat - not good for her - and not what we adults want to eat. DH and I could do with losing weight.

Sausage and mash with peas (90% meat sausage)
Roast dinner
Lasagne
Chicken and mash with carrots and broccoli
Fish pie (mash again - and boiled eggs)
Fishfingers and oven chips
Fresh pasta with cheese sauce/broccoli
Home made pizza (cheese/tomato)
Chicken goujons (home made) with mash and beans

I could really do with some advice. We've tried buying her a cook book and encouraging her to make things but she won't eat them and only wants to make the cakes/biscuits. I've tried casseroles but she will only eat them with mash and TBH just picks at them as she's not much of a meat eater. I'm happy that she eats carrots, brocolli and peas but I need some way of feeding the whole family without us all living on mash and cheese sauce-based dinners. Haven't a clue how to tackle this.

Toddler loves curry, by the way!

Hmmm. Have you talked to your HV? I am guessing your DD is not loosing weight or anything? I only have a 7mo DS so no experience yet in this area but have you tried being stricter with her?

Or just cook something for the whole family including one thing she will eat and sod a balanced diet for that meal?

You could also try blending veg into various pasta/curry sauces so that they are unidentifiable.

Hopefully someone with more experience will come along to answer!

Having an extremely fussy eater myself, I have to say your list is actually quite good! I have no tips on how you can get your DD to eat I'm afraid as I'm failing miserably at that with mine (and mine is my 4th so you'd think I'd know what I was doing by now!)

If she likes casseroles then I would suggest getting a slow cooker - you can bung everything in there in the morning and it will be ready when you get home from work. You can then do mash for her to go with it and rice or whatever you and your husband fancy. Don't really understand your issue with mash - maybe because we have it quite often but after mashing the spuds (I use an electric hand mixer, it's fab and effortless) I just chuck everything in the washing up water to soak while we eat.

Don't worry about the amount of fat in her diet too much - young children should not eat a low fat diet anyway. As long as it's not full of too much processed foods then it's reasonably ok. At least she will eat some veg, my DD won't!

I do understand your concerns but I really don't think she is doing too badly.

Agree your list sounds good. Would she eat a microwave jacket tattie scooped out of the skin and mashed? Then she can be given that while the rest of you eat normal stuff? Slow cooker is a fab idea. I wouldn't have a problem with just giving eg rice while everyone else has curry. How about roast veg - we have it often, mix of tattie, sweet potato, turnip, peppers and red onion. Often with sausages but sometimes on its own. Dead easy and quick, can be served with ketchup if required!

Thanks for your replies.

I have a slow cooker and I use it every few weeks but she always turns her nose up at it. She will eat the beef casserole but under sufferance. I used to do a chicken/chorizo thing in it but she just picked at it. Also a sausage casserole but I had to strain out all the onions before she would eat it.

I just hate making mash! I have a potato ricer and everything. I'm naturally messy and I get it everywhere (on my clothes,.....)

She doesn't like the smell of jacket spuds. Roast veg - I've tried her with all of that and she won't eat any of it.

We used to live on roast veg before we had kids. I'm so downhearted about food these days, it's a shame.

You sound really fed up :(

Going back to your list though, it really isn't bad - honestly, that's a fairly reasonable diet. Putting all this pressure on yourself is probably as unhelpful as pressurising your DD would be. I can see that with such a busy lifestyle it would be great to be able to feed her anything.

OP - your situation is so so similar to mine: work the same days, kids similar ages, same problem with the toddler both shopping and in the kitchen, but my little one is the fussier one, although my older one is also not great!

Seriously, my toddler only eats weetabix, fishfingers, potatoes, and baked beans. The older one eats lots of meat and veg, but not pasta (!! I know!), and nothing with a creamy or cheese sauce, which means that school and the parents of other children think she is incredibly fussy when she's actually not that bad.

Haven't really got a lot of advice, I just really know how you're feeling about

1. The toddler clinging to your leg when you're trying to cook - this is really getting me down.
2. The older one being too fussy for school dinners.

Having recently read some of the fussy eating threads on here, I would say, like others have said, that your 5 year old's list of accepted food is really not bad at all.

On the days I work, we all have either leftovers from Sunday's dinner (I try to cook double on a Sun), or something that takes 5 minutes to cook, like fishfingers, or something like shop bought fresh soup.

We are muddling along, and sometimes I want to do something about it, and sometimes I just think that it will work itself out!

PS I am also always making mash! I've started making it at the weekends just to have in, in the fridge!

It doesn't bother me that much from a mess point of view, but I do understand when you say it bothers you, because I have issues with other similar things, like dh making porridge - the mess makes me see red!

I feel for you twosoups. I can't say that I've been in your shoes but totally understand why you are fed up. My kids are slightly fussy but not in a way that bothers me. I think that it's a very tricky issue for mums. Most of us want to cook lovely healthy homemade food that our kids like and appreciate, but generally this isn't the case. Our kids pick and moan and drive us nuts making us paranoid that we're not feeding them well. I'd say take a deep breath, and keep going. Cook the meals you want to cook, ensuring that there's a least one thing that your DD will eat. Encourage her to try things and make a big fuss of her if she does. If she doesn't, she doesn't, don't have a battle about it or get cross. Don't turn mealtimes into an occasion you both dread. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life cooking separate meals you have to teach your daughter to eat. I think a lot of these things are about control. We dictate so much of what our kids do that this is something that they can control. As she gets older, hopefully she'll start trying things as she'll want to eat what you do. I used to make 2 or 3 things a night for my first child as she'd tell me that she didn't want that and wouldn't eat that etc. Finally I just thought no, I'm not doing this. And yes, both my kids can still moan about what's for dinner, but I just say sorry you don't want it but that's what's for dinner tonight love. You don't have to eat it if you don't want to but I'm not making anything else. They always end up eating some (not always all) of the food. Hope it helps, sorry if it doesn't, but I hope you find something that doesn.

I would (and do) sometimes just cook food we like, serve dd (nearly 5) up a small portion and let her eat bread, cheese and tomatoes if she decides to not eat the dinner. Not every day of course, and nothing particularly weird - just combinations of things that I think she might eat based on what she does like.

We do fajitas about once a month-ish as it's ds's favourite. For about a year she's been eating the wrap bit with grated cheese on and an occasional bit of raw pepper. The other day she had some chicken too. Woohoo! (I serve the fajita's with tomato salsa, guacamole, chicken and roasted peppers. She likes tomatoes, but not the salsa. She likes avocados, but not the guacamole. She likes chicken when roasted or in home-made or shop-bought nuggets but not with fajitas and she likes peppers but only raw and not cooked).

Re the mash - makes lots and freeze it in small portions, then just microwave. That will cut down on your work at least. I hate making mash too. Luckily my kids don't like it!

Might she eat raw veggies? Roast yours and give her them raw perhaps.

If she likes rice or pasta serve that with some of her dinners, even if it seems odd to you.

I would try and get a balance between sometimes cooking stuff she likes that you don't want to eat, sometimes cooking stuff that you like but she doesn't want, and sometimes doing similar but different food for different people. But I do think you need to avoid the impression you're running a restaurant. Growing up my brother didn't like cauliflower so he got extra carrots instead. My husband also didn't like cauliflower so MIL used to cook him his own portion of broccoli whilst the rest of the family had cauliflower. I would try to avoid that latter approach.

I don't think she's taht fussy actually - I think main problem is you and your dh want to eat more "grown up" food and she doesn't!
When I do curry for us, I scoop dd's chicken out of teh pan after browning and cook hers with stock and frozen veg while I make ours into curry - we all have rice with it.
I also am quite happy to cook something and ignore the fact that dd (and ds) pick bits out of it as long as they eat the rest.
Or I'll cook our veg and leave theirs raw - so if we have chicken paprika with cooked peppers, I leave the kids peppers raw and ensure that the cooked ones are divided between dh and I.
If she doesn't want bolognese sauce with spagetti, just give her the pasta with maybe some cheese to sprinkle over it and veg (or salad if she'll eat it) on teh side.
I work full time and after spending 2 hours dragging both kids round tEscos every weekend when they were small we now do an online shop.

I'm just about managing the frustration with my family's eating here, although it's not really due to fussiness. (DH and DS1 have both become gluten intolerant in the last year. DH is dairy intolerant and DS1 is lactose intolerant too. When you put meals together for them, with a baby who has finally reached 12 months and can now have a little soya in his diet, things are starting to look up a bit. I've been cooking three meals a night since September and none of the special effort is for me!

On top of this, DS2 is a big refluxer and often throws it up at me if it's too cold for his liking or the wrong texture (which might have been right the week before!) and DS1 (nearly 3) is skinnier than DS2 because eating gives him tummy ache (he still has reflux too) and I'm refusing to battle (with support from my HV) for fear of setting up bad habits for the future. DH has got used to the meals he has to have and doesn't turn his nose up at my efforts anymore (only pastry doesn't seem to work!) I have to make cakes and biscuits for them too each week and I'm now back at work 3 days a week too.

I'm not trying to hijack or go one better, just to say that I totally, totally get it! I have started cooking a roast on Sundays and then using the chicken from that for the next two meals. I let DS1 have his rice and chicken separately with no sauce and he eats pasta without sauce too. I'm sure if people come round they will think I'm a horrid mum, but my main concern for him at the moment is to get calories into him. They don't seem to make gluten and dairy free snacks suitable for kids either (and I have to limit fruit and veg due to his digestive problems too) so his diet isn't very healthy either.

I have also started insisting that DH cooks at the weekend to take some of the stress off me-maybe your DH could at least cook on Fridays?

Let's hope they all grow out of these troubles soon.

I could have written your post, almost word for word. Except I would love if Dd ate the variety yours does! Plain white carbs, no sauce, no meat and very limited veg is her thing.
I don't have a great deal of advice but loads of sympathy as it is getting me down too. Things I have done to try to recover joys of cooking...

Invite friends round in the evening for a meal and cook something nice.
Make sure dh and i cook something lovely together every once in a while.
Considerably lower my standards. Dd is clearly thriving and gets all the food groups. Life is a bit easier since realising she needs much less variety.

Rest assured you are not alone!

Thankfully I have not had your problem. The nearest I have got is that none of the kids, or my wife, will eat pheasant. Not a huge hardship, just that I don't really want to eat the four that I have in the freezer on my own.

Seriously, just looking at the bit you wrote about pasta and leaving the meat; Antonio Carluccio did a piece on Satruday Kitchen this weekend on Bolognaise Sauce. He served it a very Italian way, with only enough meat/sauce to wet the pasta. He didn't serve lashings of meat.sauce with it like we Brits tend to. That might be a better way. Surely there is something to be said for her finishing a meal that you all eat, and not putting the bits she doesn't like on the plate might be a start. You could all eat the same. You will still be able to catch it on iPlayer, I am sure.

Another vote for making mash in large batches and freezing.

Also making a tomato sauce with lashings of veg in and blending, then freezing. I find if I only have to get something out of the freezer that I've wasted time cooked once then I am less stressed about them eating it.

But it drives me mad. I like cooking, and grown up people (and other children!!) always eat my food, so I take it as a personal slight when mine turn their nose up at something which last week they said was the best meal ever. I too have dietary issues with DS1 to throw into the mix and I feel your pain.

Not sure it gets better, you just have to let it wash over you a bit more (she says, wishing she could take her own advice....)

WOuld she eat potato scones do you think?

My DD2 won't touch potato in any other form but will eat these. Take a good quantity of mash, beat in an egg - or two if you have a lot of mash, then enough flour to make a dropping consistency dough. Cook in an oiled frying pan like drop scones until firm and golden on both sides.

I make a massive batch and freeze them so that I can whip out a couple for DD2 on the days we are eating any other form of potato. (I am envious that your DD will eat oven chips - we have had no success with those.)

Just wanted to point out that children should not be eating 'low fat' diets - that is strictly an idea for adults with weight issues, barring obesity in children.

Your daughters diet seems fine, btw.

My dd is an oven chip junkie too

I think your list looks reasonable.
Mine were far worse at that age.

You seem to have an issue with mash.Why not cook in bulk and freeze small portions for DD so that the rest of you can have roast or jackets?
Get your DH to do the washing up you sound as though you are doing it all.

By the way they do grow out of it I promise

I would definitely get dd to have school dinners, especially on the days you work. She will kick off and be resistant I'm sure, but I bet after a while she may be tempted to try things by seeing what her peers are doing. There's no-one's buttons to press at school, they're not bothered in the way that you will be (and she will have picked up on). Plus if she's eating dinners at school, that should take the pressure off you in the evening i.e. you can cook things sometimes that she doesn't like and it won't matter.

One idea re mash : go to Lidl and get one of their 'dry' mashed potatoes. You just need to add milk and they are nearly as tasty as real mashed potatoes (Note : anything else I have ever bought in supermarkets has been been totally uneatable!)

Oh yes, I would also leave the bit she doesn't like out and not bothered putting some on her plate. My experience is that it just makes everybody miserable and is not worth the fight.

I was going to suggest 'tomato' pasta sauce with hidden veg. I blend grated courgette, mild onion and perhaps yellow pepper in with the tomatoes and my DDs scoff the lot instead of leaving a bowl full of veg bits!

My little ones love rice, but no sauce stuff with it.

So I end up putting in corn, peas, tomatoes maybe. Sometimes I can hide small bits of salmon in it too, but shhh...its pink cheese! Grated cheese too or philly.

DD is only 3 tho, so her and ds (2) eat at 5, then packed off to bed 6.30/7 and hubby and I eat 7.30/8.

We only eat together at weekends

@justmeandthekids...I'm mean and leave the bit they don't like on the plate. I don't make them eat it (unless I'm in bribary mode)
but I figure they can look at things they don't like and leave it on their plates, helps to familiarise with diff looking food! Maybe....??!

I have one fussy eater, no idea where he gets it, but anyway.

I just do kids versions of the food we eat, and happily give him dry cous cous or rice.

I basically work on this:
1.) one protein (fish, meat, pulses or egg)
2.) one carb (pasta, potatoes, mash, chips,roast potatoes, couscous, rice)
3.) one veg (0r two), green beans, carrot sticks and cucumber, brocoli, peas, sweetcorn etc.

examples:

kids tea: baked fish,sweetcorn, rice (with a bit of butter mixed in so not too dry). For the adults I add a parsley sauce and salad.

kids tea2: pork chop, couscous, broccoli. (for us I mix the couscous with herbs, olives and nuts, for the kids just a bit of butter)

etc etc.

Every now and then I introduce a new food to try, like lentil soup, which, oddly, he likes, so it's worth to keep trying.

Also, he is 8 and now also eats stew (but for him just the bits of meat and gravy, with some veg on the side)and stir fry (but the meat and veg served separately ). he still cannot seem to get on with mixed up foods, or gloopy sauces, but it gets better all the time.

I know this can be seen as "pandering" and many parents of kids who are not fussy will have strong views ...but I am just trying to be practical.