Cooking for my family is stressing me out. Help (long).

[twosoups]

I'm mother to two children aged 5.5 years and 21 months. I work 3 days a week and my husband works full time, though he has Friday off most weeks (works on calls at weekends).

Planning, shopping and cooking for the children has always fallen to me. I find this hard because, like many mums, I work three days and I'm at home with a toddler on the other two days. My toddler doesn't tolerate supermarket shopping without having a tantrum and she clings to me and cries when I try to cook. On top of this, my five year old is a fussy eater and this is leading to huge amounts of stress which I'd like to resolve.

The biggest problem seems to be that she refues to try new foods. On top of this, she restricts what carbohydrates I can give her because she won't eat what goes with them.

For example, she will eat rice, but won't eat a single thing you would put with rice (curry, chilli etc). We have the same problem with cous cous. She won't eat baked or boiled potatoes, anything with onions or mushrooms or peppers or "green bits" (herbs). She will eat lasagne but not spaghetti bolognaise (leaves the meat). She won't eat any fish but cod/haddock and sifts through that for bones.

I am SO SICK of mashing potatoes. I'm sick of washing up the starch it creates, scrubbing the implements and the residue ruining the other things in the dishwasher.

Her fortnightly intake consists of foods that my husband and I don't want to eat. As a consequence, I am faced with cooking separate meals or not cooking for us at all. Cooking has become a huge soul destroying chore and most of the time, I don't plan anything for us to eat - just the kids. By the time I get them into bed, I'm so knackered, I'm happy with beans on toast or something. She has packed lunches for school because she doesn't want hot dinners. Hot dinners on the days I work would reduce my stress levels because coming homs and having to cook is a nightmare.

This is what she typically eats. You will notice it's not low fat - not good for her - and not what we adults want to eat. DH and I could do with losing weight.

Sausage and mash with peas (90% meat sausage)
Roast dinner
Lasagne
Chicken and mash with carrots and broccoli
Fish pie (mash again - and boiled eggs)
Fishfingers and oven chips
Fresh pasta with cheese sauce/broccoli
Home made pizza (cheese/tomato)
Chicken goujons (home made) with mash and beans

I could really do with some advice. We've tried buying her a cook book and encouraging her to make things but she won't eat them and only wants to make the cakes/biscuits. I've tried casseroles but she will only eat them with mash and TBH just picks at them as she's not much of a meat eater. I'm happy that she eats carrots, brocolli and peas but I need some way of feeding the whole family without us all living on mash and cheese sauce-based dinners. Haven't a clue how to tackle this.

Toddler loves curry, by the way!

your dd sounds like she eats the same sorts of things my ds does and I say he is quite a good eater ! Maybe we have different expectations.

Ds also turns his nose up at any slow cooked meal, particularly as it is usually a vegetatrian offering (Dh is vegetarian). (Tbh I can't rweally blame him, although I think it is very convenient and smells quite good, most of the slow cooked veg dishes we make are pretty "worthy" and not that nice really. Nonetheless we still serve it up.

DS often gets served food that he will only eat one mouthful of or that he won't try (though nowadays he does tend to try most things once). If he doesn't eat anything much he is allowed to have bread and butter (as that is something he will eat) and fruit to fill up and that is it.

On the whole DS doees not like his food miced up too much so stews, casseroles, bakes etc often get a thumbs down. we probably eat these sorts of things 3-4 times a week nonetheless. The other time we have the dishes I know he will eat

Veg shep pie (with quorn)
Pasta bolognese

Pea risotto

Home-made bean burgers in baps with veg and salad

Pizza (we don't even make it home-made that often )

Roast dinner (though he isn't too keen on this either and dh has to have meat substitue so we sdon't do this much)

Pasta with peas and cream cheese/fromage frais (For me I add some smoked salmon and it is delicious)

I am a bit surprised as to the comments you make about the diet not being good for her. If she eats veg and fruit alongside this, it seems quite a reasonable diet to me.

What sorts of things do you and your dh want to eat? Is it possible to make plain pasta or cous cous as her starch instead of mash.

PS, you mention low fat....

Low fat is not good for children! They NEED cholesterol even! A bit of butter, full fat yoghurts and milk are good for kids.

If children are obese, it is not due to a bit of butter mixed into their greens or rice...

Oh and yes to the pasta without much bolognese sauce. I grew up in an Italian household and we used much much less sauce than most English people do. The sauce needs to be a good rich one but used sparingly.

I also add a bit of butter and a good handful of parmesan cheese but then ds was practically weaned on parmesan cheese and loves it. I know lots of people (children in particular) don't like it. Then I serve the pasta with plain vegetables on the side (with an olive oil/vinegarette dressing) and ds eats the veg (with a bit of encouragement)

From your post it sounds as if you don't eat with your children. Without exception, the fussiest eaters I have known have always eaten separate "children's" meals to their parents (disclaimer: based on personal experience only ). Her diet doesn't sound bad at all, but I think it would encourage her to eat unfamiliar foods if she saw you and your partner eating them too. Also, I find it helps to plan meals so that there is enough to reheat on the days you work. Maybe also set aside one day a month to cook a load of stuff for the freezer?

My sister lived on literally only chocolate spread sandwiches, baked beans, chips and spag bol as a child....she is stunning, skinny, clever and is never ill! (cow )

She finally grew out of it at about 15!

I always ate everything and am permanently ill and forever overweight!

I wish I had been fussy as a child

My own children eat absolutely everything and I have always given stickers on their charts for every new food tried.

Thanks so much for your replies. They've made me laugh and feel better (esp the comment about pheasant!).

When DD1 was a baby/toddler, she was permanently sleep deprived. Sbe started most days around 5am, without exception, and refused to nap for more than 20 mins, even as a small baby. She actually used ot pull at her eyelashes to keep herself awake.

As a consequence, she was permanently irritable (and so were we). By the time it came ot the evening meal, we were on countdown to bathtime at 6.15pm and eating alongside her gave me indigestion. I literally stopped enjoying food if I had to eat alongside her because she whined and moaned and refused.

We alsways make a point of eating together at weekends. We always have a Sunday roast and a nice pudding and she looks forwrd to that (because of the pudding, I suspect!). However, she still wakes at 5am even though she's coming up for 6 years old and though we've tried varying her bedtime, later bedtimes just lead to further sleep deprivation. DH gets home around 6pm and the children go up for a bath at 6.15 so eating together isn't much of an option (toddler eats better if you're not there, too).

I don't have an issue with her having fat in her diet. I certainly don't buy low-fat anything for the children, with the exception of low-sugar drinks and low-cal mayonnaise to make sandwiches. She has skimmed milk, but that's the government advice (full fat until two, semi until five.

In general, I'm suspicious of low-fat alternatives and wonder what they really contain, so thouugh I'm happy to eat them myself, I don't like the children having them. It just concerns me that she'd live on cheesy pasta and buttery mash if I left her to her own devices. I make everything from scratch and I know how much butter/cheese goes in! She's thicker around the waist than most of the other kids at school, though she's also on the 98th centile for height so maybe she's simply well nourished!

I'll take on board your suggestions (esp the one about hiding veg in sauces - courgette and peppers would definitely work). And I'll keep plodding on and subscribing to BBC Good Food and cutting out all the recipes I shall one day make...

twosoups, just read your last post. If dd is still wkaing at 5am...poor poor you, and that's partly why you feel pissed off and can't come up with workable solutions - you are still suffering from sleep deprivation!

I think cook something lovely that you want to eat at least once a week and don't worry if she doesn't eat it, or picks bits out of it, or only has bread and cheese instead. She will live, and it will make you happier.

I've stopped worrying about the kids always having "proper" meals -there's so much pressure about it, right from when you wean them. Yes, there's an ideal, but very few people's lives and children live up to it. Sometimes what she likes, sometimes what you like, and sometimes just beans on toast is fine.

I think so much of this is down to expectations. I think my two are embarrassingly fussy but when I posted on here to have a moan a while ago everyone said I was lucky with what they do eat!!

Not helped by all the propaganda around - was looking for some pack lunch ideas online and they all seemed hopelessly adventurous for my two and made me feel pretty crap about not 'doing something' (quite what I don't know) about their fussiness.

Then I decided that life was too short and resigned myself to philadelphia sandwiches, uneaten fruit and a yoghurt for all eternity.......

I do try to give them new things but by heck, the whinging is horrendous.

I discussed this with my Mum the other day and she said we weren't fussy at all as children. Then thinking back we both realised as a whole family the varriety of foods we ate then as opposed to now was so much narrower and we did eat pretty much the same things day in day out, which obviously suited us kids. I do however remember getting to about 15 and thinking that I physically couldn't stomach another 'meat and two veg' dinner ever again as I was so bored of it!

Now Mum cooks a whole load of different stuff she would never have cooked when we were children.

I think we are all being too hard on ourselves!

i remebr thinking"I NEVER whined abot my food when I was a child!"

Then I remembered that mum cooked about 5 meals on rotation

Chicken cassarole
sausage cassarole
Spaghetti bolognese
sweet and sour chicken nuggets with rice
Egg and chips
Various meat roasts/chops and mash
Chicken portions/sausages/chops with baked potato and beans

And that was it.

not much to be fussy about!

Sausage and mash with peas (90% meat sausage) Could you try a meat casserole in the slow cooker? Thus freeing up your toddler
Roast dinner - yorkshire puddings? Do just vegtables and yourkshire puddings one night for the dc with some saved gravy. Children usually love roast dinner as it is simple and easy so just take the meat away and leave the rest for them on one night per week
Lasagne make with tuna instead of mince for a change
Chicken and mash with carrots and broccoli - do the pototo you want and leave them off your dc dish don't let her have any of your scrummy potato its not goign to hurt her not having them and make a chicken casserole again the slow cooker or in the oven and scrape the casserole of your dc chicken and give with broc and carrots
Fish pie (mash again - and boiled eggs)
Fishfingers and oven chips - I would give fish fingers and peas and carrots with sweetcorn and leave out the chips
Fresh pasta with cheese sauce/broccoli - can I come for tea I love cheesey pasta
Home made pizza (cheese/tomato)
Chicken goujons (home made) with mash and beans - again leave her potato off and do some saute potatos but there for mummy and daddy

I would aim to do two to three casseroles per week to lessen your cooking load and use whole peices of chicken and give without the sauce and with plain vegtables.

More good advice, thanks everyone.

I know what you mean about the variety. It looks like a good list of paper but actually you have mentioned 9 meals - not even a fortnightly rotation! we have the same problem, we either eat the same things every week or the children wouldn't eat.

We settled on a two week menu where every other day was a meal I knew they would eat and the other 7 days were what we wanted to eat - and if they didn't eat it they would go hungry. So at least I know every other day (hopefully)they won't go without.

A tub of mash is £1 at Tesco - would do enough for about 3 portions for a 5-year-old and it's just potato, milk and butter. Not ideal or helping with the fussiness but would substantially save your sanity for the time being and lt you put effort into cooking more interesting things for you and DH. No shame in using decent ready-made stuff if it's a choice between that and sanity (washing up mash pans so much would drive anyone crazy).

...oh the shame of buying ready made mash....

I'm setting my standard too high, aren't I?

We were penniless when I was a chils and I was fed the following:

Cheap sausages with chips and spag hoops
Fried bread, beans and cheap sausages
Tomato ketchup sandwiches
Fishfingers and chips
Ready made pizza
Findus crispy pancakes
Mince, onions and boiled potatoes
Boil in the bag beef.

Vowed my kids would eat better!

I'd definitely agree that the 5 o'clock waking is making this 10x worse for you. It's just stopped for me a few months ago and I'm only just realising what a bad effect it had. My own son is very fussy but has got better with time. One thing that I did was plan ahead 7 evening meals that we all liked at least one element of, so I that I knew that my fussy one wouldn't starve, so for example, one meal was spaghetti bolognese with garlic bread and tinned sweetcorn. I knew he wouldn't touch the spag bol, and if he moaned, I said, just leave it then, but he didn't starve as he liked the garlic bread and sweetcorn. Also I put a minimal amount on the plate and most of the spaghetti, bolognese, garlic bread and sweetcorn in bowls on the table so that if it didn't get eaten, it could be saved for dh tea, or frozen so no waste. It meant that his diet wasn't very balanced but we had a breakthrough recently and he started to peck at the spaghetti bol (it has taken 8 years lol).

Would you be interested in reading a book about this? I have a title that I need to dig out from my bedroom but it totally changed how I saw feeding the family, your job is to put the food on the table and that is where you job ends, it is her choice if she eats it or not.It took me ages to get my head around this and accept it but really it has changed everything here, there is lots and lots of great info in this book. Let me know and I will find the book and put a link to it xxx.

poppyboo, I'd be interested in the book if you can link please?

Buy Tesco frozen mash. It comes like pellets and you just microwave it for a few minutes. Mix it a bit and it's done. It's only potato, nothing weird in it.

mabelmurple - eating with a fussy child is so stressful that many parents stop doing it in order to save their sanity. I believed for the first three years of DS's life that I should eat with him and it would help. Stopping this practice in the evening has been the single biggest help in maintaining my sanity regarding his fussy eating.

here is the link:
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Your-Kids-Eat-But-Much/dp/0915950839/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1298810224&sr=8-1

I just know that this book could really really help you out.I have read it about 3 times now, seriously, it could really help your situation. You can buy it for a couple of pounds second hand from the Amazon market place.

Why don't you make double or more portions of everything she will eat and freeze / save (even plate-up) for other days. Then you and your DH and toddler can eat whatever you want.

If you make something and she is being fussy, do you offer an alternative? Do you offer snacks between meals? Do you find she eats better when she is hungry?

She is not going to waste away immediately if she doesn't want to eat all / part of her meal - start by just getting her to eat a spoonful of what she doesn't like (but make sure there is some stuff she likes on her plate), and then no snacks till the next (well-balanced!) meal.