Ok here goes....I need to put an end to ds1's food fussiness

[ilovespinach]

Ds1 4.9 has a very restricted diet -

marmite on white toast
pancake with oats and apple (only occasionly)
Pasta pesto
plain white bread
Bananas
chocolate (just kinder)
Childrens yoghurt
Water

It's been this way every day for about two and a half years maybe a little more. We've seen someone about this and they said to just give him what he wants, so long as he's healthy and happy it's fine he will grow out of it.

Fast forward to Christmas time. Ds1 along with the rest of the family got flu. The truth is he's not underweight but he has nothing in reserve to cope with illness. He is now very thin and doesn't look very healthy. I feel we have to step in now. Even my mom who has always been an advocate of letting him find his own way agrees. She said he had no enthusiasm (sp) for his food and was clearly trying to force the pasta down as he was not enjoying it.

There is no particular reason for this btw. It's just a rut that we have got stuck in.

So, is it madness for me to tell ds that as of Saturday none of the above things are on the menu. I will be serving up food and if he chooses not to eat it that is fine but we are not going back and he will have to eat what's put in front of him eventually.

I know he's not going to like it and he will put up a fight.

So, after a bit of support :) Is this the right thing for me to do? I know that if we sstart it we can't go back. BTW dh is in favour of this.

hiya :)

i have a few ideas......
firstly, and please dont take this the wrong way, but many children on the autisctic spectrum have a diet not disimilar to this - is it his diet only you are concerned about or have you noticed any other behaviours that might need looking into further> i'm a mum of 4, one has special needs, and i work at a special needs school in music therapy :)

secondly... try to disguise foods - liquidising things works great with mine - for example, and handful of peas and a handful of chickpeas liquidised into pesto will probably go unnoticed.

try making simple pasta sauces with liquidised veg or lentils in and see if you can entice him.

above all else, try not to make food a battle ground - eat with him when possible and stay clam and relaxed. let him see you eat lots of varied foods. also, my son with 'labels' LOVES to cook, and when he does, he tries more things, and so does my VERY faddy 3 year old.

slowly slowly tho, eating is supposed to be a pleasure, not a stressful thing xxx

I don't think you should start this method. You will end up so stressed and everyone will get upset. If he has energy and is running around like his friends he is absolutely fine, make mealtime fun and give him a treat at the end of a week for trying a little bit of something new. Also don't give huge portions, a mistake I used to make, apparently their stomachs are so tiny that it takes a while for some children to develop large appetites, a big dinner in front of them can just turn them off straight away. Weight loss during illness will soon be regained.

I agree with the others. Don't start it as a battle, instead can you present it as a fun 'ooh, let's do some recipes together' thing? My two love cooking with me - they don't always eat it at the time... dd took several months to eat pizza but she does now.

Food should be fun. Approach it like a game... Just work on getting him familiar with different foods first and try not to stress. He is fine as he is - you're just trying to teach him something new!

Thanks for the replies....

DippyHippy...TBH it has crossed my mind but I truly don't believe that he is on the spectrum. He won't be enticed. I have tried everything and this is the end of the line.

Pollypb My problem is he doesn't have a lot of energy and there just isn't enough of him. I am giving small portions but you can tell he is just forcing down the pasta pesto.

He will absolutely not try anything new. I have tried everything and this is the very very last resort because I fell if I don't do anything now then he will really suffer. he just isn't getting enough nutrition.

I am feeling calm about it and I will not get drawn into a battle about food. I have done that before and refuse to do thid again. I feel we have to do this for ds otherwise he will get ill.

He looks pale and thin.

I can see all the replies are saying no...Please don't think we haven'
t tried evrything else, the food is fun, the cooking, the helping to shop, playing picnics, playing cafes etc......

I am only considering this because ds's health is starting to suffer as a result of his restricted diet. And I don't consider this lightly. His 3 year old brother weighs more than him. He is stuck in a rut and needs some help from me. If I put something new on the table, so long as he has his 'safe foods' no change will be made.

My ds was incredibly fussy at that age ( ate fewer things than yours!) but gradually grew out of it. It was a pain but I would never have done what you are suggesting, especially if he has just been ill. Just let him eat what he likes.

You are right to avoid getting drawn into a battle - food is one of the few areas a child can (and will) use their leverage against adults!

The paleness thing combined with the lack of appetite could be related to the lack of minerals (maybe iron?) in his diet? Its hard to eat more if you have no appetite.

Does he have school dinners? Thats a great way of getting them to eat other foods - you are not there hovering round him, the other kids are tucking in and he might just try something he hasn't had before.

I made a point of not forcing my ds to choose the menu choices I wanted, I let him choose exactly what he wanted.

Also, have you spoken to your health visitor or GP? They might have better advice.

The worry I would have is that if you force the issue, it could become more of an issue. Eating disorders are often about control I believe.

We have a dietician based at a children's centre - do you have anything like that here you are?

I do understand your worries and think your firm approach could work but IMVHO you need to approach it lightly and positively (though not giving in). So there needs to be a clear explanation with ds about food groups and what he needs to eat to be healthy and that you are worried, and that's why you are going to give him a variety of foods. Could he do a checklist of each food group? (giving him back some of the control is where i am thinking...) - with praise etc when he is eating a variety of foods... just a thought...

You will not be able to force him to actually eat anything remember...

Good luck - I was a very fussy child (and was down to control I think but remember how stubborn I was. Hence my interest in the subject). I do think a lighter approach would have worked for me, and myy mum 'gave up' and just fed us fishfingers, so I do agree that he should be given the opportunity to try...

I have a fussy four year old, and I understand how frustrating and worrying it is, but you might have to go a bit more gently. If you go in with the tough love approach, he might feel panicked and just dig his heels in further. Is he relaxed at mealtimes if it's stuff on the list, or does he seem tense to be sat eating?

Maybe you can up the nutritional content of the meals without him noticing, for your peace of mind. Vitamin drops in his drink? Greek yoghurt for extra calories, brown bread that looks white? Pureed spinach in the pesto?

On House of Tiny Tearaways they always used to quote that it could take about 20 viewings of a new food before kids would accept it. Perhaps you could choose something that most kids like and just keep popping 1 single piece on his plate every meal(maybe a few raisins at breakfast, 1 grape for lunch, 1 piece of carrot for dinner). No pressure to eat them - more like garnish.

Something rather odd that helped my DS1 (not that I suggest it as a total solution) is going on a cruise. There were vast buffets of all sorts of things in the most weird and wonderful shapes and I was not at all tense as if he didn't like something he could go back and have something he did like. They always had a few things that he liked (such as bread and butter).

If you are able to be brave and have enough money to do a cruise, or perhaps an "all inclusive" holiday then this might help a little.

DS1 came back liking a few more things after the cruise and we went on from there. It was, I would say, a turning point.

I'll get flamed for this I know, but I would have the battle. I did it years ago and I now have a 9 year old who eats most things, enjoys food and it definately hasn't become an issue between us.

I feel it is our responsiblity as parents to get our children to eat sensibly. They should not control meal times.

I started off very very small. A tiny piece of plain chicken and a tiny piece of potato, at the table with the rest of the family.

I think given the age you could sit down and explain the "new house rules" to him first, and maybe use a star chart. But I am not averse to using punishment either. No TV unless you eat (the very very small) piece of chicken for example. DOn't intruduce new foods too quickly, stick with the same small plain thing until he eats it without fuss then move on.

My ds (now 4.10) is/was a fussy eater. My dh was a fussy eater and so was his brother.

When ds was at his worst he would barely eat. I remember breakfast used to be about 7 Shreddies. Lunch a couple of nibbles of cheese sandwich and a fromage frais and then dinner coud sometimes be nothing at all.
The other thing was the underlying stress that was in the house. Everything he ate was watched and analysed.
Then we all came down with the noro virus and he was so ill for 2 weeks that when he recovered we could see all his ribs at the front and back, his skin was grey and he had to start using the pushchair again he was so weak.

Then my dh started working away during the week and so was not as aware of what ds did/didn't eat. I started to relax too and not be so concerned about his diet and nutrition. Very slowly, things started to improve...even if he had bread and jam for breakfast, snack and lunch I let him.

This continued, ds started to get an appetite, something he never really had before and would try some of the foods that were new (carefully chosen to be paatable to him, nutella, pancakes, macaroni cheese)

Now at nearly 5, he doesn't eat alot but it does include protein, carbs, veg and he is still slim but I can't count how much cereal he has eaten and his lunchbox doesn't come back empty but I can't chart what proportion of the food groups he has consumed over the past week.

In short (unlike the rest of this post), if you change the menu like you have described, you will push loads of stress onto the family, you will fail in the battle of wills. You will feel crap, your son will be totally confused and nothing will improve.

It is our duty as parents to get our children to eat sensibly. It is also our duty to raise independent children who feel in (some) control of their lives.

I think the ideal is for them to eat what we do, with us. Then you don't stress quite as much about whether you have given the 'right' choice etc. Just, well, that's our dinner (look, yum) and eat what you want or not, but there isn't going to be anything else (that is our attitude, but easier said than done - especially when you know you will be the one dealing with their hunger tantrums ). Just try and keep it positive.

Sorry, on a nostagia trip now....remember ds refusing to eat and my sis was around so did his dinner and the difference in how the food was approached was remarkable.

I would get a small spoon of food and slowly and carefully approach ds's mouth, let him have it and give him time to chew and swallow before offering him another small morsel.

My sister on the otherhand (nurse in care home, so kind of does this on a daily basis too), just scooped up shovelfuls of food and assumed ds would open his mouth rather than hovering spoon infront of his mouth.

Children can pick up on one hundred signs that we are not even aware that we are signalling. Could you farm ds out to your mother for dinner for a week or so and see if it helps?

Finally (hurrah, she's going to stop!), dh had similar idea to you once and unanimously decided one meal that ds would eat it. He refused to let ds leave table until he had eaten his (half) baked potato and beans. Ds complained he had a pain in his stomach (a typical ploy to avoid eating) and dh insisted he continue until ds vomited entire meal up.

Nearly 2 years later ds will not eat beans because they make him gag (he does not remember JP gate) and only recently will he eat mashed potato - never tried him on baked potato since.

frenchfancy and adair explain the approach I want to take perfectly.

I want to explain to ds exactly why we have to do this for him, about health and food groups. Knowing ds, I honestly think this is the only way. I think he is bored with what he eats and needs us to take the lead. No amount of coaxing etc will work.

I'm not going to get drawn into a food battle with him. I'm not going to shout or argue with him.

Hopefully once we have got over the initial hurdle then we can move on to the 'fun'.

You say you don't want a food battle but you intend to withdraw all of his familiar foods to "force" him to try the new ones you are presenting:
"I know he's not going to like it and he will put up a fight."
You don't need to shout or argue to make it stressful, you can do the intire thing in a calm voice, with a smile on your face and it will still be stressful.

This is because his eating makes you feel stressed and he knows this.
You can still teach him about food groups and healthy food and occasional foods etc. but don't set unrealistic expectations on him.

Don't set him up to fail, you said he's not underweight, he is active, you've consulted a professional and they've told you it's OK. Stop worrying about this!

When you speak to people with food problems, anorexics, bulimics etc. They say it's a control thing.

Whilst not for one minute suggesting your son has a problem. The uniting factor is that food is something that is totally in your control, what to eat, how much, when. Your son has more experience in controlling what he eats than you do on forcing someone to do what they don't want to. Let him choose, give him the time and the space to do so.

I agree with whatthedeuce. Would you like to be 'forced' to eat? 'cos that is what yr plan amounts to regardless of explanations.

Phew! Love it when someone agrees with me

Please dont be offended Spinach, I'm not critising, just trying to show you that children have a mind of their own and cannot always be dictated to (unfortunatly)

IMO there's so much damage done to our children by worrying and over emoting over food (look at all the overweight and anorexics on here alone). Let him alone he'll get there eventually.

Does he actually enjoy the food he does eat, as a rule? Or is everything a case of him having to force it down? Has he been checked out by a doctor just to make sure theres nothing physical underlying all this.

Good idea scootergrrl

Maybe get his iron levels checked? think its a bit of a catch 22 that if you have low iron it gives you less appetite. a friends ds was given strong iron supplement from gp and shortly after started eating much better again.