feeding other people's kids

[Tarzanna]

After ending up with a 2 year old who ate only jam sandwiches we now operate a firm eat what's on your plate policy with ds and dd. They eat well. we are able to eat together each evening which helps. Empty plate means pudding, not finishing means no pudding. I know it contradicts all gurus who say don't make food an issue but it works for us and kids are well fed and right sort of size for age.
So what do I say to friend who looked at tea I had prepared for hers and mine and said " sorry my kids won't eat that !" It was veg chilli with tacos- lots of hidden veg in a tomato sauce. Homemade !

Tarzanna, out of interest how old was your friend's child?

God I hate this judgemental attitude toward what other people eat and what their children eat. So hey, you are lucky enough to have kids that eat whatever you put in front of them. Some are not! It's just the way it is no matter what you do and you cannot comment unless you've been there yourself.

All this - oh I only cook from raw ingredients, they eat what we eat or nothing at all, no smiley faces in this house - blimey, we all try and do our best when it comes to feeding our children but it is incredibly common for small children to be fussy eaters. If you're kids eat everything you do then count your lucky stars - some people have incredibly difficult meal times and not because they only serve crap.

I'd think it far more common for small children to like simpler food. Vegetable chilli wouldn't be top of my list of favourite dinners either.

My kids would have eaten it and they a eat or are prepared to try most foods, however when having friends round to eat I try to go for something 'safe' such as homemade pizza with homemade potato wedges and salad, cos I know not all kids will eat a huge variety of foods.

Hear hear to Goobledigook!!

It's all in how your friend said it - if she said "I'm sorry, my kids won't eat that" with a look of horror on her face, and an inferrence that you should have cooked something else, I'd be mighty peed off....

However, if she said "I'm sorry my kids won't eat that" with a rueful apologetic look showing discomfort that they were about to reject my cooking, I wouldn't be at all bothered....(but perhaps a little embarrassed myself)

having thrown quite a few parties for the toddler group i ran, i had the added benefit of getting an overview of what kids like.

In the main chips,nuggets,beans or peas for hot.

Ham or cheese sandwiches and plenty of cucumber and carrot sticks with a dip of some sort.

Its not exactly adventurous but as you have made the effort you may as well get it eaten.

I cant stand kids that get up and down from the table.

Tarzanna, we have a very similar approach to food as you. We try to eat together each evening and encourage ds1 to finish his food, with pudding (if we are having any) as an incentive. If friends are coming over I try to check what their kids like to eat beforehand. If I have time, I put out a variety of stuff to choose from (our lunches are often like this anyway) but I won't run around trying to please someone who doesn't eat anything that's on the table. Also although I wouldn't put it the same way as NannyL, I don't see the benefit in preparing different food for kids and adults - surely it just sets them up to expect special concessions?

Your friend sounds rather rude, although I would agree with handlemecarefully that it would depend on the tone in which she made her comment. I have a friend whose ds eats very little and she's often apologising for him leaving all his food. But she doesn't accuse me of cooking unsuitable food - if she did, I'd probably stop inviting them round!

Yes buy Gobbledigook the thing is, if those children don't get introduced to smiley faces they won't know what they are - therefore have no choice but to enjoy real potatoes and healthy food!!

I think the point here though, is that if someone has cooked your children something then shouldn't you just keep quiet and see what happens? Often children will act differently outside of the home, esp. if they see other children enjoying the food they may have tried it anyway.
Having a parent who immediately says oh they won't like that, means they have no hope because its already drummed in their heads before they have even tasted it.

I havn't stated i'm lucky enough to have a child who eats anything. I said my child eats what she's offered or nothing - no fuss made. An example, i cook a lot with mushrooms, dd said she didn't like them and started picking them out of her dinners. I continued to cook mushrooms, she got bored of picking them out of her dinners and now eats them! Dp says that was mean and i should have stopped cooking them, but she is only 2 her ideas of nice food change daily, if i take mushrooms out then she's never going to get the opportunity to change her mind about them! This is just one example and has been the case for many food items. Yes she does pretty much eat everything on her plate now, because she realises she goes hungry if she doesn't!!
I don't force anything upon her, nor tell her off if she doesn't eat anything. Mealtimes are just happy times with lots of conversation and at the end i clear the plates regardless of whats left on them.
I know as she gets older she may have more fussy phases, but i will continue to do as i have said above.

Tarzanna, however your friend said it, saying 'sorry my kids won't eat that' is a bit tactless. But agree that if she said it in a apologetic way, there's less to feel annoyed about.

I do check beforehand with parents to see what thier children like as I want their children's visit to be fun and hassle free - and I don't want to put them off coming again. After all, first and formost, they are coming round to play with my children, not to sample my cooking.

Whatever the types of food the children like, I will give them a healty-ish version of it. I don't worry if they refuse to eat or feel compelled to offer them lots of alternatives.

DS1 has various food intolerances so I cook everything fresh - I do check with other parents what their children will/won't eat, but usually opt for something safe like grilled or pan-fried plain chicken with mashed potatoes/home-made potato wedges and peas/green beans. But I have had children of 7 refuse this; in fact 2 of my son's friends won't eat plain chicken nor try my home-made chips even though their mums have said 'give it a go!'. And we also have problems because only water and milk are on offer to drink. Oh, how pleased I was when all of a visiting family ate leek and potato soup withoug demur!
My children are moderately fussy too and certainly won't eat everything, but I do seem to know an extraordinary number of really bad eaters, who will only touch 'kids' food'.

Thanks gobbledigook - making sense.

just out of curiosity, if a friend said 'my ds/dd doesn't want to visit your home because the last time he/she came, he didn't like the food you offered' what would you do?

I have always been a bit wary of upsetting visiting children, especailly if they are very young, because I hope they will want to come again.

I woulds say okay that's fine we will go out or you make a packed lunch whatever instead for you child/ren.

Why wouldn't your friends kids eat it because they had never eaten it before?
If someone had made my kids something i wasn't sure about I would make them eat or at least try it esp as it was home made.. the only kind of food in my opinion and for what it's worth my kids eat chilli, dh cooks up a big batch serves kids first and then adds extra spices to ours and by the way I can honestly say I have never cooked a packet of smiley faces in my life or served them at my table but if someone offered them to my kids for tea I wouldn't say "sorry my kids won't eat that" I would make them try them and I am sure they would love them.

I've found it difficult at times to feed ds's friends as our food tends to be south indian/srilankan and we dont usually use cutlery.
WHen we had his best friend round unexpectedly for dinner the other day I had nothing suitable so ended up giving them chip butties! I felt bad doing it but it wasnt planned and I had nothing else suitable.

I realise though that this isnt a reflection on the other child just that we have different diets.

We take my two kids to a south indian restaurant and they love dosais (spelling) and chutneys etc but we could never take my nephew as he wouldnt touch the stuff. We've brought them up with this type of food and he hasnt been brought up with it so I wouldnt expect him to eat it.

Veg chilli with no chilli seems fine though. Surely it's just vegetables? I can understand though why someone's child wouldnt eat it.

Maybe your friend thought you were good enough friends for her to be able to be honest to you? If I was at BFs house and I knew Dkids were going to be a pita I know our relationship was strong enough that she would understand. It happens often enough the other way around.

I'd rather just get it out of the way, than spend ages hassling the kids to eat something I know they won't eat. They'll be getting upset, I'll be getting frustrated and embarrassed - not exactly a fun evening!

People who don't have fussy kids like to think this is because they have 'done the right things' as parents and parents of fussy kids have someone arsed up somewhere or aren't strict enough.

My dd (nearly 3) basically lives on granary bread. Sometimes she tries veg or fruit (often if her friends are eating it and she wants to fit in) and she gags on it - sometimes throwing up. I don't think there is anything physically wrong, she just doesn't like the taste and texture of most foods. She often spends a whole day at nursery and doesn't eat anything. So no, I'm afraid she won't eat food at other people's houses - sometimes I take a hunk of dry bread with me and she will eat that with some water and she's happy. Not much else I can do.

Believe me, I spent about 12 months cooking everything Annabel fecking Karmel has to offer, I tried refusing to give her bread but she didn't eat for two days and was incredibly crabby. Now I don't give a toss, but don't expect her to eat VEG CHILI! Soemtimes there just ain't much you can do with a fussy child.

Good post MP.

I think the other misconception is that children who are fussy eaters only eat crap - that's simply not true. Not that it matters but we don't have smiley faces or chicken nuggets/dinosaurs here either and we don't buy Macdonalds or any other fast food - the only 'toddler food' they really eat is fish fingers. While ds1 is fussy and likes plain food - he does eat a healthy and balanced diet full of fresh fruit and veg. Veg chilli is not something we cook therefore if someone offered him this at their house I'm not sure he'd go for it (I'd encourage him to try it and I would not be rude to the hostess though).

MP - same here with the Annabel Karmel - I've barely used jar food weaning any of my 3, they've always had home cooked, fresh meals but ds1 is fussy. Ds2 has been weaned and fed in exactly the same manner and will pretty much eat anything in sight - he's just different, nothing to do with what I did or didn't do.

I find it annoying when children who come to eat won't at least try what I've cooked (especially when it's quite recognisable like spag bol) but I normally ask the parents before they come what the child will eat so that I can avoid that sort of confrontation.

My 2 have a reputation for being good eaters (not spread by me but I have a feeling they have been eating people out of house and home when they go round for tea ) and I find some people are embarrassed to tell me that their child will only eat e.g. plain pasta. One mother told me her child would eat anything, I cooked spag bol, she wouldn't touch a thing and when I asked her what she ate at home she announced 'the only thing I eat with pasta is pesto!'.

Everyone's kids are brought up eating different things - mine love curry but I'm sure there are plenty of children who won't touch spicy food. I think it's easier just to ask what sort of food they like before they come round so that you don't have to get pissed off if they don't eat what you've made.

Oh it winds me up so much when people assume that a child is fussy because of something the parents have or haven't done. I have two children. One is the eater from hell - he eats SUCH a small variety of food, in SUCH small quantities. He was a fussy breastfeeder when born, and it is just in his nature. Dd on the other hand is the best eater I have ever seen, enjoying all adult foods including fairly hot curries! Ds is totally resistant to peer pressure, will not eat even things that people have called 'safe' such as pizza. The other day for the very first time he ate pasta with a sauce. It is the first time he would even tolerate a sauce on his plate (he's 4). He doesn't fit into the 'no child will starve themselves' because he would. He is very thin, and when in a particularly fussy mode gets emaciated. And believe me I have followed all the advice about 'nothing else offered, no pudding etc etc etc'.

Rant over!

And also, when ds has tried something like, say meat, he has kept it in his mouth for up to 2 hours!

I would have thought if your friend's children are a bit fussy then it would have been good manners for her to mention this before you had gone to the trouble of cooking something for them. I am guessing from her reaction that they will only eat specific things - as you say veggies in a tomato sauce is hardly outlandish - so for her to assume that you would happen to serve up one of the things that they do like to eat was a bit optimistic. I would have been irritated for that reason if I had been in your position.

However I think it was a good suggestion to ask for likes and dislikes before friends come over, so maybe next time that would save you some hassle.

it's no reflection on how they will eat when they're older either - dh's mum delights in telling me how hard it was to get dh to eat anything as a baby/child - he was actually referred to hospital and had to stay in because he was such a bad eater (I think they had to give him a fortified drink as a child as the doctors and his parents were so worried about his intake!). Now he eats anything in sight - devours oily fish, seafood and in general, anything put in front of him!