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Flouncers' corner
Original poster

No-one will notice but announcing my flounce is the only way to stick to it

84 replies

BumbleFeck · 06/08/2014 21:12

This place gives amazing support everyday but none for me

Over the last few months, I've started threads asking for advice/support/help and had nothing. Mostly the threads go completely unanswered, rarely they might get a couple (at most) replies but nothing else.

It's not helping me being ignored here as well as in RL.

I've NC'd for this as I can't actually bear any pity from anybody should they choose to look for my unanswered threads.

So with no malice, just grinding sadness, I'm off

OP posts:
SecretWitch · 07/08/2014 00:42

Oh FFS...BETTER...please..not bitter...have a [bun] too!

elQuintoConyo · 07/08/2014 07:31

Grin SecretWitch

ThistleDoMeNicely · 07/08/2014 08:36

I was going to reply today but I honestly think I would be echoing the advice already given.

I think one thing you have to remember is that sometimes we have to look out for ourselves. Your husband is going through a hard time and I understand why you wouldn't want to leave now but why is it more important than your happiness?

We only have one shot at life and sometime we can't live it the way other people want us to, we have to do it our way.

I think the biggest thing you need to tackle is your relationship. After that you can start to focus on the rest one at a time.

StealthPolarBear · 07/08/2014 08:40

Hope you're still here bumble x

PolterGoose · 07/08/2014 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greenhill · 07/08/2014 08:51

Hope you are still here bumblefeck and feel you can continue posting after all the responses on this thread.

There are so many posters now that threads don't stay active for long in 'active conversations' and 'unanswered threads' aren't most posters first thought either! It's a shame that so many of yours went unanswered though, here have some Thanks sometimes it can pay to keep bumping your own threads.

There's some good advice up thread and I hope that you can continue MN'ing after this.

TortillasAndChocolate · 07/08/2014 08:56

Hope you're ok Bumble. Hope some f the advice on here helps.

It's really lovely to see so many supportive people on this thread. I was feeling a bit down this morning and finding this thread has cheered me up.

IAtentDead · 07/08/2014 08:59

I have no sage advice to offer, just practical re the cinema ticket. If you have a Clubcard you can get Cineworld entry for 2.50 worth of vouchers per child or adult. Don't know if thats any use to you?

Original poster
BumbleFeck · 07/08/2014 09:01

I'm still here (and feeling a bit attention seeking and embarrassed) Thank you all so much.

I know the relationship needs to be sorted. I was going to deal with it at the weekend because the shitty cherry on the top is that today is DPs birthday, so I was going to let that pass first but I don't know if it would be fair/nice to him to add to his stress about his relative.

I need to plaster a smile on today, face DF, get through work, and then get through another evening pretending it's all alright.

OP posts:
Pyjamaramadrama · 07/08/2014 09:33

Glad you're still here.

One thing I would say about the relationship is, I think pretending everything is ok is going to make it worse in the long run. It does seem awful to break up with someone when they're having an awful time. But if it were me, I'd rather know the other person was being honest, I also think that if you're 100% sure it's over, you need to not allow yourself to be talked around as it will make it much worse for both of you long term.

Do you want to talk about why you're breaking up?

How old is your ds? Your Summer sounds just fine btw. Find out what's going on for free in your area.

Is there anything you can do to improve your financial situation such as are you getting any tax credits you may be entitled to etc?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 07/08/2014 10:19

What are your circumstances with your h? I agree that needs to change first. You'd be surprised what getting out of a crap relationship can do for your confidence. Grin

Original poster
BumbleFeck · 07/08/2014 10:46

I'm just not in love with him anymore. I'm tired of picking up after him because he is constantly going to do things 'in a minute', tired of reminding him of 'his' chores. I went to my sisters for 4 days a couple of weeks ago, when we got back he hadn't bothered to go shopping so there was no food in, takeaway boxes everywhere and dirty socks all over the living room

We've not had sex for months and I have no desire for him to touch me. The thought makes my skin crawl

But I still feel responsible for him. He has no family nearby, no friends. And I would still need him for childcare while I work.

And of course the ever present guilt that DS would not have his dad here everyday. He is not abusive or mean to me, it's just all the tiny things have killed off the love (despite asking/talking about all the little things many times over the last 7 years). He says he will grow up and pull his weight and then does nothing

OP posts:
LiberalLibertines · 07/08/2014 10:52

If it's over its over, look at it this way, doesn't he deserve to be with someone that really loves him? He can't be happy, not really, he just find it easier than the difficulties of separation,

Pyjamaramadrama · 07/08/2014 10:56

How old is your ds? If you become a single parent you will be entitled to tax credits to pay for nursery fees/after school fees.

BabyGoose · 07/08/2014 10:59

Only he can decide if he wants to be a good dad or not. I don't blame you for not finding someone attractive who doesn't make an effort at home or with their kid.

Give him a chance to change and prove himself but ask him to move out while he does. He will see that you serious and that what happens in the future is all up to him. If he doesn't pull his socks up then all you have to do is end the relationship (not the whole moving out drama).

Oddly my friend who was in a similar situation to you has sorted out her finances after years in debt. Once the husband moved out she got extra benefits and working tax credit. She also stopped the random and silly spending that would make her feel good for a short time.

Do you think you could ask him to move out for a while? You don't have to be responsible for finding him somewhere to go. That's up to him.

Pyjamaramadrama · 07/08/2014 11:01

I'm assuming that he doesn't work? Given the fact that you are working full time I think that your financial situation will improve a lot once he's gone.

Original poster
BumbleFeck · 07/08/2014 11:16

He does work but only pays the rent out of his wage. The rest gets spent on fuck knows what, shit from Amazon and constant repairs on his overpriced bike mainly (cost nearly £700 just for cycling to and from work). I honestly couldn't tell you what it goes on but it's gone in a week.

At the moment we are sleeping separately but he still walks into my room when I'm changing and when I cover up he tells me there's no point being shy, he's seen it all already. He bought me a present home the other day. It was a hideous second hand scarf that stunk of perfume (I hate perfume, always have) and in a style I would never wear and proudly told me it only cost a quid. Ungrateful as it sounds, it is horrible and had zero thought put into it. I would rather he did the sodding bins without being nagged

OP posts:
greenhill · 07/08/2014 11:31

Ok, you should have a proper budget and both have to draw up a list of in comings and outgoings: broken down by monthly spends eg rent, council tax etc and weekly spends such as food shopping, clothes for DC, random stuff. Maybe he doesn't realise how much he is spending of the FAMILY budget on fripperies.

Put a TO DO list up in the kitchen, say on the fridge door, or a timetable of things that need to be done on certain days, asking for his input into what he thinks needs to be done around the house/ garden. He won't get on board unless he is part of the planning. Or do you think he won't co-operate?

Although it's true that he has "seen it all already" he isn't accepting that there are now re-drawn boundaries in your relationship and has to acknowledge that a closed door means he has to knock and wait for a reply. Would putting a bolt on your door be practical? Or would you be concerned about his reaction?

greenhill · 07/08/2014 11:33

Sigh. I didn't mean to suggest that you buy clothes for children every week, it's just that I've been buying a lot of back to school stuff recently...

ghostisonthecanvas · 07/08/2014 13:00

Reading the rest of what you've written gives me the impression your relationship is over. He needs to move out. He is not your responsibility. I think he has got away with a lot and is continuing to take you for granted. Help him find somewhere, agree on a maintenance sum, no reason for him not to continue to loik after his child when you work. Does that sound feasible?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 07/08/2014 13:05

He sounds like an overgrown teenager, not a partner. Sad

I know you say he is in a bad place at the moment but if you delay there will always be something that prevents him from moving out.

If he is only paying rent then you'll get help to cover it.

He also sounds like a really poor role model for your son. Give him his marching orders. It sounds like you've talked it to death so it's time for action.

BabyGoose · 07/08/2014 13:53

What outcome so want Bumble? Where would you ideally see yourself this time next year?

BabyGoose · 07/08/2014 13:53

What outcome so want Bumble? Where would you ideally see yourself this time next year?

Original poster
BumbleFeck · 07/08/2014 19:20

Sorry it's taken me a while. I was at work and then had to plumb a new washing machine in.

I think next year I would love to just be happy, nothing spectacular dreams of winning the lottery but just happy and relaxed and, tbh, I only see me and DS.

You are all right, DP has to go for me to get there Sad

I was thinking at work that it would be better sooner rather than later to give DS a little time before school starts up again

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 07/08/2014 19:41

You need to have a good think about how you are going to approach this. Formulate a plan and stick to it.

What would H say if you asked him to leave and gave him a week to achieve this? Is the house in both your names?

Try to put your emotions to one side for now. Being in a shit relationship is like drowning, it gradually drains you until you are just holding on. You will need to be strong to get out of this but ultimately you will be stronger and happier.