Help me reframe my concerns re make-up party for 6yo

[Pamperoff]

First of all, apologies if this isn't in the right topic. I feel that it's driven by my ideas about women and the societal expectations around them so I've gone for it, but happy to be corrected.

Really it's about a parenting issue I have - namely my 6yo daughter being invited to 4 make-up /pamper parties in the next few months. I have to say I'm so uncomfortable with it - mostly because I don't think 5/6/7 years olds should be wearing make-up, and neither should they be normalising the idea that they should be interested in skin care and looking 'pretty'. The whole narrative around looks and comparison is already strong amongst the girls in her school and I hate it.

But, of course, my daughter wants to go as all her friends are - and so I don't think I will refuse her. Instead, I'm looking for some wise words to help me reframe the situation in my own mind, perhaps to see it as a creative outlet rather than true make-up. And perhaps some ways to not overthink the whole thing.

Bonus suggestions for how can I talk to her about appearance/age appropriate use of make-up/need to alter yourself etc (if it comes up naturally and if she initiates conversation, I won't be going in all guns blazing with my opinions otherwise!)

We are very much parents that do not promote a narrative of gender norms. We didn’t encourage dresses, makeup, or anything of that nature.

our 6 year old asked for a pamper party though and we like to follow her lead. we never encourage gender conformity, but we also won’t refuse to let her do what she wants.

We used a company to run things and it was so benign. Non-toxic nail polish, some homemade face masks and a craft. There were little robes for everyone to wear. It was really just like playing house or playing store. This time it was playing spa.

No advice to give OP, but just to say I can understand your concerns from the age perspective (they are so young) as well as encouraging societal norms. Make up can contain all sorts of chemicals known to be endocrine disruptors too that may not be ideal to be going on young skins too. Not ideal at any age but particularly ones so young.

This is tricky. Potentially at 6 it is more like dressing up and face paint. I allow my DC to paint their nails, and they usually want them rainbow coloured. Also this is in the context of the rest of their life. Your DD can put some sparkly, colourful bits on and enjoy twirling around, but later that day you can praise her for hard work or being kind, and she can play a board game or ride a bike. This way it's just one part of what she enjoys.

4!!!

I'd really not be comfortable with this, especially the idea of having a repeat experience of being plastered with cosmetics! At 6! I understand you don't want her to miss out but just to say I don't think you are out there to bf concerned.

Think of it like face paints. Ask her to get a butterfly on her cheek or something.

I lied and told dc I was allergic to nail polish to avoid having it in the house.

I really doubt they’re going to be doing a full face of make up at age 6. Maybe you could ask the mum under the guise of DD has sensitive skin?? DD had been to a few and they’re usually very age appropriate- make your own face mask and apply, peel off nail polish, glitter tattoo, face paint. I’ve never seen make up make up at one. But DD had a hideous allergic reaction at one so now I say no face masks. I don’t have an issue with it otherwise though, I’d just lump it in the same category as a dress up party and loads of parties whatever the theme have face paint so it’s not a massive thing IMO.

Totally with you I’m afraid - I don’t care if it’s non toxic and made from fairy tears and angel dust.

Its the set up behind it - girls must value their looks and partake in activities that are solely focussed around improving what they look like. Boys don’t have to do this shit. They get to do laser quest and bowling and Go Ape - far more fun and about health and activity and enjoying the outdoors.

Its not innocent it’s not cute it’s not creative: it’s reinforcing dangerous and regressive stereotypes

I just scoff with mine about ‘I’m sure you’ll have a lovely time but what a silly idea for a party sounds quite boring to me - who cares about make up and nail varnish??’

You're absolutely right. But on this issue, it's not as important as you're daughter feeling included and happy with her pals.

What you model at home in terms of self care and aesthetics is what she will grow up understanding as the norm so just make sure you're doing what you want her to be doing some day.

Thanks everyone for your wise words - good to know I'm not alone or being an old fuddyduddy. I think there is little I can do about it, I cannot control other parents' choices, even though I am a bit surprised that (at least) 4 of them think this is OK.

I think definitely 1, maybe 2 will be proper make-up, as the mum is a beauty therapist but the other two maybe as a pp says maybe pretend playing at a spa day.

DD does love having her nails painted and I have allowed that already, although not for school.

I guess my biggest concern is that as there are quite a lot of them already, the other girls in the class will set the tone about using make up and skin care going into the tween years and DD will feel left out if she doesn't do the same. And I want her to be happy and fit in, but not at the expense of her thinking she has to look a certain way. It's a fine line to tread isn't it?

I'll take this to heart @OldCrohn , that me modelling how we are at home is the most important message I can send right now. She's a happy kid and loves spending time just doing little kid things not involving make up so hopefully the balance is still firmly in that direction.

It sounds like this is the “in” party at the moment. Once one person does something the other kids enjoy they ask for the same. With three kids I definitely remember times when all the parties were the same then they moved on to a different theme. As others have said I think your attitude at home is going to be much more of an influence than the other kids at this age, obviously this changes as they get older. Building good self esteem goes a long way towards kids being able to hold their own and not follow the herd later. For now I would just let your child go and have fun.

Not at all, good grief 🙄

I don’t know how I’d cope with that! I find it hard enough that the older cousins do makeup with my dd. I’d be concerned about the peer group and parents that are all supporting this, do the girls all play sports? The boys are all having trampoline and ninja and sports parties at that age. I’d certainly work hard to think of something really fun that isn’t a pamper party for my dds birthday. There are a couple of venues near us and that will not be happening for my 6yos party.

Stand up and you may find other parents are relieved and also want resist peer pressure. Give in and you teach your DD that girls are imperfect and need to be improved, that their role is to be attractive physically, and that consumerism should rule. How much are you willing to spend on this, because it won't stop there.

This is such rubbish.

My nieces love to play with makeup because it’s basically face paint. They don’t look at it and think “oh I’m going to put concealer on to cover a spot”, they play with bring pink blush and neon green eyeshadow.

You know this is the feminism board @heyjudena? Any idea how women are affected by patriarchal "beauty" standards?

You know that not everyone has to conform to your ideals? It’s totally possible for a woman to enjoy doing something for themselves, and not because they’re doing it for beauty standard.

I agree.
I understand your dilemma OP but I think it is a party my daughter would not be attending.
I would think of something really exciting that she would love and do that with her on party day instead.

Well i personally think make up is ridiculous on anyone especially children and feminists can justify it to themselves as much as they want but I also am sick and tired of being lectured on what I as a woman should have permission to do or not by other woman

Woman complain about men and control and the damage it causes how much does women trying to control do? Especially to children

By that measure, aren’t you trying to tell people what to do by saying you think it’s ridiculous on anyone?

No i personally think that so i refuse to play a part in it myself

And then lecture others on it…

The skincare scam on pre pubescent girls with already perfect skin is horrible and I think you're right that it will likely be he same girls and it's headed that way.

All you can do is build up the variety in your DDs life, show her sports, drama, music, actually doing things and how fun life can be compared to looking at yourself in a mirror. Have an amazing high energy party when it's your turn.

I saw a quote from Zadie Smith when I was starting out as a parent and have stuck with it, that she'd tell her daughter that her brother wasn't going to waste his time with this stuff, she's only wasting her own time and holding herself back.

It's art for the face. Passing on such a harsh moral judgement about makeup sends a message that you think it is superior to not wear makeup. It isn't. A lot of women wear makeup for so many reasons but to say that it is solely to cover up imperfections is wrong.

Playing with makeup is a a fun activity for children to do. It doesn't have to be that deep.

However if you feel so uncomfortable with the thought of a pamper party then stop your daughter going. But I think your concerns are misguided.

This wasn’t even a thing until year 6 for my DD who wasn’t particularly interested in it all even at 10? It’s bizzare to me it’s done that much younger now (obviously due to social media).

I think it’s too young and rather yuck 🤢 to be having those kinds of parties but I’d reframe it as dressing up parties to get myself past it.