We don’t have a male loneliness epidemic. We have patriarchy

[BellesAndGraces]

This is the best article I have read on the “male” loneliness epidemic and am sharing for anyone who hasn’t read it. What struck me most is the point it makes that we don’t have a male loneliness epidemic - we have a loneliness problem full stop but, as usual, the conversation keeps centring men as uniquely suffering.

I wanted to clap when I read these two sentences: “We don’t have a male loneliness epidemic. We have patriarchy”.

www.image.ie/self/homosociality-and-how-men-are-socialised-to-want-women-but-not-value-them-980727?fbclid=IwdGRleAPohiZleHRuA2FlbQIxMQBzcnRjBmFwcF9pZAo2NjI4NTY4Mzc5AAEezm6T_La9RxCeXdLioCfOK4AhY-8xk8Q4NUHo8ANazi_tbAVGulMBR8mlDbI_aem_7I2Q-1D-UMTwzM7ECS4JQw

Seems a touch extreme

Excellent article thanks Belles and it is absolutely spot on about the way the media presents this issue. Men are lonely, women must fix it.

In general men don't seem motivated to help themselves or others. I know of several 'mens sheds' types of groups aimed at helping men to socialise and enjoy each others company and every one of them is run by female volunteers. Most charity and community volunteers are women too. Maybe men would less lonely if they made more of an effort.

Men are allowed to have issues same as women the world doesn't revolve around one sex

My thoughts exactly. It’s why I wonder why so much is said of the male loneliness epidemic but nothing of the female loneliness epidemic. Better still, let’s just call it a loneliness epidemic.

I don’t think men are lonely enough

I have to say I’ve noticed a pattern in my personal life with friends family colleagues and acquaintances.
When women are widowed, they do lots of things with their friends, enjoy grandchildren and adult children etc, or if they’re young they focus on caring for their kids.

When men are widowed - whether they’re 25 or 85 - every single time, they have a new partner living with them within 6 months. Our neighbour sadly committed suicide and her DH moved his colleague in and said “the kids absolutely love her” just 3 months after their mother’s death. That was many years ago and all 3 children have had an extremely turbulent adolescent, often in trouble with the police, going missing etc.

I don’t know if it’s loneliness or if they just want someone to shag and/or wash their socks.

I did read some research fairly recently saying women are actually lonelier (as in more women live alone than men) but cop considerably better with it.

Women spend their lives being told to just cope. Can men not just cope with loneliness?

Yes I also looked for a similar scheme for a woman at a food bank I work at so she could socialise. There wasn’t a single women’s only ‘shed’ or group that didn’t have an additional caveat requirement (ie for people with cancer or depression or certain ethnicity/language). There were 4 men’s sheds without any caveats.

All of the men's shed, men walking and talking groups etc. in my town are run by men.

Indeed.

It's not the first time I've heard men criticised for preferring to confide in their partner rather than their friends like many women do. Personally, I feel a bit uncomfortable when my friends tell me things that I'm not sure their partner would be happy with them sharing.

Certainly there have been many outraged threads on here with the OP having discovered that their DH has discussed intimate details of their relationship with his mates. Nobody wants a patient rather than a partner but often there seems a bit of a double standard. Men are judged much more harshly for leaning on their partner, especially financially.

I wonder why so much is said of the male loneliness epidemic but nothing of the female loneliness epidemic.

Probs for the same reason we hear a lot more about femicide than.....I don't even know the word for the male equivalent! 3x more men die from suicide.

Maybe men would less lonely if they made more of an effort.

Victim blaming much?

The biggest causes of poor mental health in men (according to suicide charities) are work stress, financial stress, and feeling that they're failing in providing for their families.

Probably you don't hear about the men that cope because they aren't the ones complaining 😁

Eh??

Poor menz. What with the loneliness and their complaints that they don’t know how to “be” anymore now that women are calling out their shit.
Sadly I don’t have a violin small enough.

Given the appalling communication skills of most men I know and the fact they only know how to talk about themselves Im not surprised they are lonely.

Same in my area - 2 towns, 5 or 6 men’s sheds type things, all started, run and marketed by women.

Meanwhile I know too many men happy to discuss women in derogatory terms that I’m sure is just trying to make up for their own multitude shortcomings, yet nearly all relay on women in some way to keep their lives running smoothly.

I’m at a place where I view most men as quite pathetic.

Well I know quite a few men that cope. Perhaps meeting them depends on your interests?
I am geeky and also enjoy outdoor things like walking, nature conservation... Some of the guys I know are widowers or divorced... I suspect some of the ones divorced cared more about train spotting than women! 😁

Oh how our hearts are breaking that they prefer trainspotting <sarcasm>

I said “Eh??” Because I don’t understand your point.

But you’re so right - despite evidence to the contrary, men can’t possibly be lonely because you know a few divorced men who have hobbies

Femicide is intentional murder that exclusively targets women or girls because of their gender.

You’re probably not hearing about the male version because there isn’t an epidemic of women murdering men.

Men arent victims of loneliness, because no one is obliged to provide them with company. It’s an entirely self created situation.

"Women report rising loneliness, so do non-binary people, so do the elderly, the young, the partnered, and the single."

Sigh. Only two paragraphs in, and the writer of the article has entirely undermined every good point that he or she might make.

I think she's spot on - especially in that she's clear she's not saying men are terrible and emotionally unintelligent - they are just 'schooled' to be dysfunctional to a certain extent. I also think that it's compounded in a world where most people are so screwed financially even if they are in a couple, there's not even the economic incentive to couple up there might once have been and that's a big reason many younger women are saying 'Meh' to a relationship. As I heard someone say, men aren't in competition with some mythical 'top % of men' for relationships with women - they are now in competition with how happy women are on their own.

I do worry for my son who is 14 now. I don't want to say to him 'Look, you might never find a woman to have a long term relationship so please make sure you have a full emotional and social life with your friends and that you can confide in them too', but I do want to let him know that last part is important. I guess I can say that without saying the first bit... also that maybe he's more likely to find a partner if he has his own emotional and social life and doesn't rely on a partner for it. BTW, fairly sure he is heterosexual. He has ADHD and most of his friends are neurodiverse, but honestly in some ways that might be a good thing - husband and friends are the same and he has I think fairly open and confiding friendships compared to many guys (and also has female friends).

The scary thing is that in the US, government think tanks are starting to push for using economic incentives and punishment to make it harder to be a single, childless woman in the hope that this will 'force' women to marry and have babies. And if we elect a Reform (or maybe even a Tory) government next election I would not be surprised to see that direction being taken - they can't go for 'abortion makes Jesus sad' in the UK, but they might angle for 'Selfish women aren't having enough babies and they are making the men sad, so we'll force you to couple up'. The 'male loneliness epidemic' narrative is a useful tool for them.

Well, the article's not really saying anything new, and it's quite right about many things.

I do think, though, that the writer seems to blame patriarchy for men's loneliness, and I have to disagree with that.

Patriarchy doesn't preclude 'emotionally sustaining friendships with other men'. Patriarchy has existed practically since the beginning of history across most cultures, with women being oppressed and considered the property of men/lesser citizens, and it has frequently been the norm for men to have close, emotionally supportive relationships with other men across time and culture, regardless of that.

The current cultural norms in the west do seem to encourage men to emotionally isolate themselves, but that's not innate to 'patriarchy'.

(Obviously, patriarchy is very bad, just to be clear.)

I do worry for my son who is 14 now. I don't want to say to him 'Look, you might never find a woman to have a long term relationship so please make sure you have a full emotional and social life with your friends and that you can confide in them too',

Why on earth wouldn't he ever find a woman? Internet dating sites are absolutely chock full of single mums and divorcees complaining that all the good men seem to be taken.

My 49yo mate has just signed up to Hinge and has been on about five dates already in less than a month. All were attractive and intelligent women with stable careers (i.e. not looking for somebody to 'take care of them'). Seems a lot of them end up single in their late 30s due to prioritising their careers and then find it hard to meet men as their friends are all settled down/have young children and don't really go out much anymore.

Widowed women don't always have children.
No all men meet someone else when their wife/partner dies