How best to decline giving out phone number

[BeMintFatball]

This is a discussion with my 2 adult daughters following an actual incident and we are not in agreement on the best way so thought I would ask Mumsnetters.

DD2 out with friends bumps into a guy she knew at college but hasn’t seen since. No contact for 2 years.

Guy tells DD2 he was going to ask her ex for her number. Dd tells him she is no longer in contact with her ex.
Guy asks directly for her number. Dd gives a fake number. But guy tries to send message straightaway and realises it’s a wrong number. Dd panicked by being called out gives her real number.

Dd tells me all this and I am disappointed she didn’t have strong boundaries. All she needed to do was say I don’t want to give out my number. End of. DD has PTSD so I understand it is difficult for her . I tell her to block the number and she does.

Older sister has a different view. She says there have been instances where a man has become violent when a woman refuses to give a number. So doesn’t think that is good advice. But in the example of her sister she would have said look it’s been 2 years ,I don’t really know you sorry mate.

So what is the least confrontational approach when you really don’t want someone to have your number?

"My phone only accepts calls / messages from people in my contacts list."

I do prefer just saying no, or even softening with "I try to keep my personal data personal, so prefer not to give it out until I know you better" although this may prompt "how do I get to know you better without being able to contact you".

I'm pleased I'm not young in today's society, I really am.

I'd give it, then block immediately. Gets round the fake number thing.

What's really sad about this, and I appreciate that this doesn't help you OP, is that in my day, a) if we gave a fake number it didn't matter because the the person didn't figure it out until later but really b) if youbgave someone your real number they might try call once or twice but it would quickly become clear you didn't want to go out with them or whatever and it would all fizzle out. Now women and girls know if they give their number there's a chance these men will just harass them. And the fact that he originally said he would ask her ex for her number gave me the creeps right up front.

I think ideally women should juat decline politely. If they feel unsafe, perhaps give their number then block of the man doesn't get through hint when she doesn't respond?

Perhaps ask why they want your number, and then whatever reason they give - so we can meet up/I'd like to chat to you etc. can be negatived more meaningfully; lack of time, already have a boyfriend etc.

This - maybe give it a day. Guys that are this pushy will send something that deserves blocking anyway.
This way you've given them the benefit of the doubt and haven't had to ask them details that might make them think you are interested.

Why do these people ask for numbers? Why don’t they offer theirs first?

Is it a power thing?

But then they’ve still got your number. They can call using any phone.

This is true.
It is more harassy, but yes these guys do tend to that.

“that’s ok, give me YOUR number and I’ll give you a ring when I’ve got time”

We were talking about this in the office a few weeks ago, and consensus among most of the young women was to say "No, you give me yours."

Saves having to give out personal info, and means that the man will hopefully be on his best behaviour for the rest of the evening even if he is a dick, because he's hoping to get a message.

It does however sometimes means that he'll say "Right, now send me a message so I've got yours too", but it's easier to go "Yeah yeah, in a minute" and the dickhead already thinks he's won so is less persistent about it.

But then they’ve still got your number. They can call using any phone.
This is a reason why I don't answer to any unexpected calls. If people can't get hold of me and need me they can leave a voicemail, text or WhatsApp me and I'll get back to them if appropriate.
It's not a big deal not answering a call, after all most days I'm in work, driving, in the gym or busy so I would miss calls during those times anyway.

Is this really a concern if younger people now can be easily contacted via social media, people are easily found now (genuine question)

Could she just say “Sorry, I’m dating someone.”? Unless he knows her well, he won’t know if it’s the truth and it would just shut things down. She could also just say “Sorry, I’m not interested.” Although this is more risky.

I think this is a situation you have to play by ear. Sometimes you can just say no. Other times you would be safer to say you'll take their number instead. If they seem really pushy and you can't get away safely, give your number and immediately block them. Having a range of tactics is probably the best idea.

I do this too and have never understood why businesses/people don't leave a voicemail. I always think I've dodged a bullet if they don't leave any hint as to why they were calling - usually spam. It can be annoying if you're in the car or something and they are persistent.

I can see why so many people are turning away from mobiles.

Yes, I know someone who refused to stay in contact with someone and they accepted a "friend" request of a cloned account, which turned out to be the guy they were trying to avoid, stalking them.

I agree that the best thing in this scenario is to take his number. That puts your DD in control. She could simply say "I dont give out my number as I've had issues with that in the past"- keep it bland but vague. Any man who pushes after that is one to definitely avoid because they arent respecting the word "no".

If she really struggles with saying no then a simple "I am seeing someone at the moment" is enough- you shouldn't have to use that lie but if she really feels uncomfortable with imposing a boundary its a good option.

Guy tells DD2 he was going to ask her ex for her number.

Massive red flag. Told, didn't ask. And treated her as another man's property to give away, not a person in her own right.

My preference would be a simple 'I'd rather mot.' But for someone who's already shown problematic behaviour like this a deflection might be better. I like the idea of asking for his instead of giving out her own.

Could she just say “Sorry, I’m dating someone.”? Unless he knows her well, he won’t know if it’s the truth and it would just shut things down.

"I'm not asking you out, I just wanted to stay in touch. God you think you're something, thinking every guy talking to you fancies you. I'm just being friendly."

I can understand older sister fears - there are (rare) documented instances of women being killed for not giving out phone numbers. It's very unlikely but men who persistently ask for numbers are big red flags.

Can she tell them to get in touch via her IG/messenger and then make sure that no contacts can message that way and all her socials are closed / private?

Or could she say her phone has been stolen and cloned recently and she's waiting a new sim?

A guy who says this will have an issue with everything she says- eg "your phone was stolen- come on, thats obviously a lie- do you have a problem with me or something?" etc etc

When you think about it, it's weird that someone would ask for your number without saying why they need it. E.g. "We should meet for coffee sometime, may I take your number?" or "Can I take you out sometime? May I have you number?"

If a man states why he'd like your number, you can then give an excuse - too busy with college work/got a lot going on at the moment/working long hours etc. Preferably not "I'm already seeing someone" if he's made it clear it's for a date, but if that is what you feel most comfortable saying, then okay.

Therefore, if a man asks for your number without saying why, it's perfectly reasonable to ask why they want it without feeling mean. Why should we give out numbers to men we don't know/like/trust? Then, an excuse from above can be tailored to the reason they give for wanting it.

Appreciate it's not always that easy but I think it helps to remind ourselves that we are entitled to be discerning about who we give personal details to, and it isn't a man's right to have them just because they asked.

You have pretty much nailed his sentiment. Because for brevity I omitted from the OP where my daughter said she had a boyfriend. He asked who? She told him. Turns out her current boyfriend and him are Facebook friends..

He then asked her to go to his house. Daughter said no wasn’t doing that. He asked why , she said again because she has a boyfriend. Literally got the I just want to be friends line. BTW this prince has a new baby born this year and already is not with the baby Mumma .

So it’s sadly useless saying I have a boyfriend. They don’t care.

I'm 21 and "conventionally attractive" so I get asked for it all the time. Stock reply is "No but I'll give you my email". If they argue or barter I say "OK I won't then" and move on.
If they agree I give them one of my email addies, NOT the one with my name or which I use regularly.
Then later on I check the one I've given them and (usually) send what I pretend is an automated reply along the lines of "please deposit £500 to communicate with this person".
Nobody has yet offered the money!

Very clever!