I was offered a publishing deal - men's reactions

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Hello all, I'm female and I've been working on a big written project for ages and was recently offered a publishing deal. I consider this a huge achievement. I told some friends - not wanting to boast - just considering how difficult my own life has been in general and how much I have put into this despite my life situation being very difficult over the years, I thought it was exciting and for me a big achievement.

All my female friends and relatives said congratulations and how great it was, but the men I mentioned it to (family and friends) didn't even say "well done". This follows a pattern of me feeling like they belittle my work or brush it off as if my skills are inferior or not worthy of validation.

One of these men I mentioned it to has implied I am less than skilled in my area of expertise (despite hiring me to work for him many times), belittling my achievements, brushing them off and so on and implying others are better than me. No congratulations or even a comment in return when I mentioned about the publishing deal. Just started blethering on about a (tiny) project he had published. A close male family member didn't bother to say "well done". And so on.

I'm just trying to get my head around this. Has this been anyone else's experience? I just feel so disappointed that these men that are supposed to be friends / family think so bloody little of me that they can't even say well done and also historically have never bigged my work up or recognised my achievements. So for something like this to be ignored I guess is par for the course and I should have expected it.

I realise this sounds like I'm seeking validation or whatever or boasting. I wasn't meaning to. I just wanted to tell these people that I was excited (who I have supported and offered validation and help to over the years) and it would have been nice for them to just say "well done" or at least be a bit excited for me as we are friends/family, but I'm just wondering if it was their inherent misogyny that prevented them from recognising an achievement of a woman. They didn't even raise an eyebrow when I told them. This makes me question what they really think of me!

Just venting really! Has this kind of thing been the experience of others?

I don't usually leap to jealously as an explanation – but with the first it sounds like a rampant case!

It's not that they think so little of you; it's that they're terrified that you have achieved what they haven't!

It's probably misogyny too of course. If they're the types who see women as inferior it will be particularly galling for them that the person who has so spectacularly outshone them is a woman.

And, CONGRATULATIONS! 👏

That sounds an absolutely amazing achievement. I'm so pleased for you that a publisher has recognised and valued your work! Blooming well done you!

Well done on your publishing deal! 👏👏👏👏It's not my experience op but it absolutely is your experience which counts. I do remember when my sister made a joke implying I was a bit hopeless at something I very calmly said something like 'That's not true I'm very competent at x' and she never did it again. She's a good person so took it on board straight away. You seem quite self-effacing so maybe do need to start saying that you're good at this rather than waiting for other people to say it. Practice saying it out loud on your own so it feels natural and relaxed saying it to other people. Also it's probably a combination of insecurity and misogyny which makes them like this. I suspect they'd be negative if a man was successful but maybe the fact that you're a woman makes it harder for them.

Congratulations. This is a big deal and they are twats. Bloody well done xx

These men sound pretty unpleasant and massively jealous. I’d just cease to engage with them now you know their agenda. Congratulations though it IS a massive achievement.

thank you so much @PerkingFaintly . I'd love to think that it was jealousy but I just feel this man in particular shows general disinterest and contempt when it comes to my work. More than happy to talk about himself and his work but when it comes to my work or life it seems to be a conversation stopper! It generally feels like he just thinks I am not skilled or talented in any significant way (I used to be his subordinate at work so I wonder if it's a hangover from that as well). Just disappointing really. I do think he is a bit of a dinosaur TBH when it comes to women.

Same with another male friend not even saying well done.

I'm just surprised at the stark difference between male and female reactions overall. You're right I think a lot of men have fairly fragile egos though, so I think there may well be an element of subconscious jealousy as well as misogyny.

Oh this is just priceless!!!!! Their jealousy is palpable. I had exactly the same. First publishing deal many years ago and subsequently widely published and boy, did it put the cat among the pigeons.

Nobody had any idea that I could write or that I had written a book, so it was a complete shock for anyone/everyone who knew me. I hadn't said a word about it.

I was actually shocked by the levels of jealousy it brought out in so many people. I lost friends over it. People who genuinely couldn't even bring themselves to speak to me. It was weird, not to mention hurtful too.

And the men were the worst!!!!!

Congratulations to you.

thank you @Lovelyview - and everyone else who has offered congratulations!

I can be quite self effacing, you're right! This may be partly why some people (esp men) don't take me seriously.

Hard to point the crappy attitudes out as it is so difficult to confront in the moment - a little passive aggressive comment here, or presented / brushed off as if it were a joke but underneath it is quite offensive... I'll have to practice some stock responses so I am ready for next time!

thank you and congrats to you for your prior publishing achievement!!

Sad to hear this is a common experience!! I will definitely bear your words in mind. I don't want to lose friends over it although in a way is it worth keeping friendships that can't be happy for you?!

I think in the UK especially we are a country which doesn't always like successful people, least of all successful women, which makes speaking about our achievements more tricky. Sad as that is! (Kind of makes me want to big it up even more)!

Massive well done on the publishing deal and commiserations on realising these particular men in your life are jealous misogynistic joy-sponges!
You are awesome. 💪 Stop caring about what any of these particular men think and your awesomeness will be off the scale.
And they will still be little, envious, petty narcissists.

Massive congratulations from me. If I got a book deal I’d be going up to strangers in the street to tell them! I’m so impressed!

Many men find successful women a threat. It makes them feel insecure and emasculated. It hurts their male ego. They wonder what they are even for any more now that women can do everything that was traditionally a male preserve, often better. It’s a simple as that.

they are pathetic. You, on the other hand, magnificent!

I would assume it's their displeasure at being in a world where women are paid to tell people things. That's a man's job -
what could a woman possibly have to contribute?!

To this day I never mention to people that I am a writer. It brings out the very worst in people. They either decide to tell me all about their idea for a book they're never going to write or start asking the sort of mind-numbing questions that authors hate.

My favourite moment was being surrounded by a bunch of guffawing wankers at a big London reunion party - men I knew from a previous life/career - then a friend of mine came up and congratulated me on [name of book/big article in the newspaper]. The collective shock on their faces. Priceless.

Own your success. Enjoy it!

Thank you @AmandaHoldensLips and everyone else for the kind words.

That does sound priceless indeed!! 😂

I have definitely noticed similar - the moment someone else finds out you are a creative, you find out they consider themselves to be as well. You are suddenly judged to a much higher degree as well.

They also assume it's easy to be successful in a creative field - although it usually is much harder to achieve and maintain success.

I am so excited for you. It's a really special time. Nobody really understands what it is to be a writer except other writers. And by that I don't mean the "wannabes", I mean the real ones who live by that sword.

I'll probably be told off again for talking about myself but I find it the easiest way of comparing things, and ime boys and men feel "cheated" if I (or another girl or woman!) wins something or is praised for something. So it's nothing personal.

I've had jealousy from both men and women over being published - I think it's a lot of people's dream, so it gives them a jolt when someone they know succeeds - it means it's not just a dream, it's achievable and they're not doing it. But I've only had a man blurt 'Then I should be able to write one too!' - as if 'a woman has done it so it must be easy'. 🙄🦕

It is so hard out there these days, so huge CONGRATULATIONS! You know the difference between 'writing a book' and 'wanting to have written a book' which a lot of people don't... 😄

The guy who keeps hiring you while belittling you - charge him double. Dick Tax.

thank you all for your kind words! and yes @Crucible I love this. Duly noted and will be doing so!! Hopefully I won't need to accept certain jobs so much going forwards if it is a success 😂

100% this!

huge congrats, OP!

“I don’t mean to brag…”

BRAG!

”I don’t want to seem boastful…”

BOAST!

”I don’t want to big myself up…”

BIG UP YOURSELF!

Take up some space and stop apologising for it. Woman spread!!! And enjoy ☺️

congrats 🥂

Take up some space and stop apologising for it. Woman spread!!! And enjoy

YES!!! THIS!!!

<shakes pompoms for OP>

Wow that’s amazing news. God as a fellow creative I get shit like that all the time for running my “little” agency with my “little” global clients.

I meet lots of male agency owners their chests get a bit puffy 🤣 so I just zoom past them all in my beautiful classic Porsche.
They are just the worse at hiding jealousy so I can just imagine writers being the same.

So chuffed for you.

Huge congratulations

People are odd, and jealous

I guess it depends what industry you work in, if the book is related to your profession?

It's not you, it's them!

They are so jealous, and can't believe a woman has achieved something they haven't been able to.

Congratulations on your achievement.

Wallow in your success and pity the sad pricks.

I think some people can't stand the idea that others are nice, gifted/successful.
It's as if we should be only good looking but not clever for example.
To be more than what they expect is just too much for them to cope with.
Some men seem to like the damsel in distress and when we aren't It's a turn off.
Perhaps to do with older attitudes and them bringing back the bacon.
I had little praise for going back to work and built a new career. I also got criticism for not staying at home doing traditional housework and being dependent.